Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Desirelily (43166)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice joke, FNF.

Just want y'all to know I'm here and listening.

NJgal -- I especially want to give you a hug. I'll quote a T-shirt I saw the other day:

"When Life Gives You Lemons -- Keep Them! Because, hey, you know, free lemons!"

deeppurple

There is a good question ATS puts forth there about when you're just so codependent that it's unhealthy for your kids...

You know, as some of the folks here know, I considered OW to be one of my very best friends. Yep. My WH introduced me to his AP, had us befriend each other, we took our families on vacation together, etc. To the two of them, we were all one happy family. Unbeknownst to her BH (well, he might have known) but at least unbekwnownst to me.

So... I watched my WH walk out of the house to have a DATE on many occasions, not knowing that's what was going on. To me, having drinks with a friend a few times a year was no biggie. Especially since WH didn't make it to many of the dinner/playdates we had. (Duh.)

What really saddens me is that my oldest child figured out at some point what was really going on. They would take the kids out together. She'd plan an activity -- and she honestly didn't care whether WH or I was the parent who brought the kids.

But it was my then 7 year old son who gave me the first real solid clue I genuinely noticed that OW and my WH weren't "just friends". He asked me if I'd be angry if his dad had a girlfriend.

Ok -- and this is where ATS is so right about enabling. This behavior is BEYOND sick. As hurt and angry as I was/am, my very first thought on the final *real* Dday was that my WH had truly let his FOO ruin his entire life.

DP -- you have a responsibility to raise your children as moral people. Moral people do not marry and cheat. Ask any FWS on SI -- they will tell you their moral compass was broken during their A.

I know you love your wife -- and it's because of this you need to do something. She is not living an authentic life. I know you want her version of an authentic life to me a monogamous relationship with you -- but if it isn't, it's still very important for her to live the best life possible for her.

And WS's are people who have become very, very confused about what that is.

My WH would like to move into a less expensive house. I am pleased by this, as I suggested it and I'm amazed he's actually listening to me.

But, yes, and LTA calls a person's character into question in a particularly sharp light. I've been thinking for a few weeks now that I don't know that I'm comfortable moving forward with WH in this way.

So, tryn will be happy to hear that I've decided to tell WH that I will make these changes with him if he will go to Retrouvaille with me.

DP -- why not have some papers to separate drawn up where your WW must leave the house? Tell her it's either Retrouvaille or the papers. Don't ask her to end the A -- but ask for the Retrouvaille.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what the person was trying to say is that if we can see what happened in this person's life to turn them into the kind of person they have become, if we can feel compassion for their past suffering, then it will be easier for us to forgive.
They gave an example of a boy who killed a 21 year old college student and how this boy's grandfather (who raised him) and the victim's father have become friends. The boy's father abandoned his teenaged mother (who later also abandoned him) he grew up in a terrible drug-infested neighborhood where he witnessed a murder, etc, etc..
We all talk about the FOO issues that our S's never fully dealt with and IMHO it is no small coincidence that they grew up disadvantaged as a result of them.
What I won't do is have any type relationship with a person as such... Does that make sense?

Truthfully Tryn, I am a little confused. What do you mean??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old_dipstick:
I still want the grill marks. Like the ones on a nice steak.

So you put the pancakes onto the grill AFTER they are fried in the deep fat.

DP, FWIW, I did not really get my W back until I demonstrated to her and myself that I could and was ready to move on with my life. She did not really know what she wanted until a year after dday. As others and I have indicated, your WS does not really understand what she is doing. She is ignorant because of the miss-perceptions and rationalizations necessary to conduct the A. Shortly after dday my FWW saw her OM as a friend she was fond of, who was nice to her. She told me she had fond memories that she wanted to hold on to. I have never been told what those fond memories are, but I know that now a picture of the two of them together sends her into a tearful shame. It took me months to break down the fantasies she had constructed around their A, and some of what I did was intentionally hurtful and demeaning. Like a medical treatment, I hurt her in the short term to heal her (I hoped) in the long term. I did not focus on how I was good to her and she was bad. I focused on how the OM was using her. I repeated back what she told me and made her try to defend it as healthy or normal.

I am not saying you need to R with your wife, or that she will R with you, but I do believe that you have a responsibility to intervene in whatever ways you can to tear down her fantasy and drag her back into reality. For her own good. Out the A to her parents, family, and your friends. Keep up your efforts to identify the OM. 180 your WW and force her to turn to the OM for all of her emotional needs, not just the gumdrops and cotton candy of a fantasy date. Focus 100% of your mental efforts on you and your children. Keep a journal of what you do caring for the children and what she does or does not. Keep the dates she goes out. Make use of the investigative techniques. Best Wishes to you deeppurple, and to yours.

FGNF, I liked your points on forgiveness. You are correct that for me, understanding why FWW was wired emotionally the way she was, gave me some empathy for how she ended up doing what she did. Not just in the A’s, but in life in general.

m334455, I understand what you are saying. If FWW was changing into a different person emotionally and personality form her IC and own work, then I would be hesitant to be all in for R.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not for nuthin', but the "picking a friend" part was me.
Oops! Should have checked, I was in a hurry and it was a way back – Sorry to you both!!

But this I do remember (wrote down who it belonged to!!)

I had hurt his feelings after he revealed his A by saying things like he was selfish. uh... WOW. Wow. Woooooooowwwwww. Giant wow sandwich with a side of wow on a bed of wow with extra wow sauce and a big glass of wow to wash it all down.
Yep…. WOW! Gotta go in the “Stupid Things They Say” book. FWH said to me “please don’t cry…… this has been killing me…..” and he started to cry….. well, I stopped crying, I couldn’t believe it. It felt like I’d been slapped. How fucking DARE he??? Un-fucking-believable. And he said some crass things in MC as well.

how much of her life and our time she had wasted being mad at people for not making her happy when she needed to be happy from within.
This is both sad and good to read Ats. I wish I could say my WH had weak self confidence or that he hated himself for what he was doing. He was remorseful when he saw the effect exposing and finishing the affair had on me, he had to tell me because she was putting on the pressure and he finally had enough. He had to say or she was going to. His only regret is the way it finished and that I had to know. Unfortunately, it was going to happen, whatever the circumstances. Sad but true.

DP

WW went out on NYE with MOM
I have to agree with Ats. And m33 makes some very pertinent points – esp the one about setting an example to your kids. Put them first, or I have a feeling they will think it is okay to follow the same path. Please, do something to take her cake away!

My FWH isn’t a runner in a stressful situation. Unless you call legging it to MOW being a runner. And we were about to have the MOST stressful time with his ex-employers knowing that when he handed his notice in, they would be after his blood. But he is a coward in his personal life. With me. Death and funerals seem to be a trigger for him to grab life and have an affair. It brings home the fragility of life. I’m watching him carefully at the moment. A guy he worked for and with in his last company died last October from hepatitis contracted out in China. He was 46. Another guy (Italian) connected with work had a brain tumour diagnosed on 19th Dec and was dead on 22nd. He had been working up to the day before and complained of a runny nose. He was late 40’s. A neighbour around our age is dying. Bloke at the golf club is dying. Life is short. A reason for him to grasp it greedily and live it so intensely that he can block out his own sense of mortality. I do think his experiences in the previous year or so were fuel for the LTA and led him to actively look for his ex-gf.

I’ll come back on the forgiveness debate later – dinner calls. And the immediate debate is – red or white?

eta - H is grillin' lamb steaks...... but indoor!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:40 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG
Laura & Lostsuol: a question - why are you ok with your Hs still working with OWs? (which is asked n a non-judgmental, just inquisitive kind of way.)

I'm not Ok with my H working with OW but his occupation is not one where he can just change jobs (very specific skills required & only 2 major companies in North America). She works several days when needed and there is nobody else trained to do her job so she can't be "let go" without a lot of questions and repercussions for my H within the industry.

Have to go... more later.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the immediate debate is – red or white?


I'll have a dry red please!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really can't get into whites until summer. Even with fish, a dry rose is better in the winter for me. Although Riesling with turkey really can't be beat. Still, a nice broad-tasting red with some fruity notes coupled with dark chocolate mousse... wow.

Can you tell I forgot to eat lunch again? Off to snack my way to happiness.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF... Heck, I thought you were saying the cheater must have compassion for the betrayed in order for forgiveness to happen. Yes, I want compassion too! Help me feel better... If I don't get the feelings of compassion, I just won't have a relationship with you. I’m a runner in that case! But… I'll can still forgive you... I'm mixed up..

UK.. you are funny...

M3... I hope you do go to Retrou... The stories by the presenters are very good, interesting, warming... some hit you right in the heart. Every presenter has a happy ending. Not one guy I meet at Retrou said a negative word. The couples were young, old, every race.. Some of the subjects are tough emotionally... but the majority were loving things you do for each other. This too.. 3 couples did run in that first hour... those were da runners... Our group had about 30 couples. I honestly believe about everyone got something positive out of it... I will say I looked around the room wondering which one was the cheater... W said the same thing..lol

Dp... I give you strength... I say use your wife's partnership until you get a job.. focus on achieving a financial independence as soon as possible... I think you need to some how start dreaming a good, fun, life, with you and your kids... Just try imagining.. what it would be like. Take some scenes from when you and the kids are alone together.... But stay away from Nell's wine...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:01 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tribe,
Hate to tell you that I am triggering again.

What is the trigger?

A funeral....yep, a funeral.

Just found out that my SIL's father passes away and the funeral will be this weekend.

Why is this a trigger?

Well, during the LTA my father passed away and... the OW showed up at my father's funeral!

I did not know her at all.

She was a co-worker of my husband.
I did know the 2 other co-workers she convinced to go with her!

I know...that move was totally wrong, immoral, sick even....

for her to be sitting in the back pew of a church during the BS father's funeral mass.
Unforgiveable.
and...
Who was she sitting next to?
My SIL.

and.... the worst part is that my husband did not say a word to her afterward.

He did not go ballistic and tell her that she crossed the line.

All he managed was to say that it was strange to see her there.

He did not stand up for me.
he was so disloyal.

This crazy witch just wanted to come to check me and our family out!

My husband was so mesmerized by her that he was afraid of getting her mad I guess.

I found this out later from another co-worker.

so, that's why this upcoming funeral is a trigger for me.

Nice, huh?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to see you M3.

Fnf, that was a good post about forgiveness. I printed it out to reread.

Forgiveness is a process. The trauma has to be over. The person who did the wrong thing needs to have stopped doing it.
It's hard to forgive when the other person isn't remorseful or even sorry.

It took me years to forgive xWH, but he didn't keep up the painful behavior. I had to take a long and objective look at our whole marriage and everything involved and realized that he and I did the best we could at the time and he made a bad mistake with his A. It was only a few months long.

Maybe someday I will be able to forgive current WH. He is NOT remorseful, still blames me for his actions and continues his hurtful behavior.

The rollercoaster has taken another dip. Oh well.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((njgal)))

so how are you handling this trigger?

yes she was so out of line...yes your husband was stupid...(i don't believe for what its worth that his intention or unintention had anything to do with sticking up for you btw...i dont think he gave it a second thought of who she actually was...nor do i think he was so taken with her....she just "was" for him...he never professed love for her if i remember correctly...she was more habit then anything,...habit and a huge part of his addiction to alcohol)....


m3: maybe going to retro....yay....i hope that at the very least you can learn how to communicate for your kids about your kids....


(((lostsoul)))...i have no words, lots of hugs...its a really tough rock and equally tough hard place...


honest:

It's hard to forgive when the other person isn't remorseful or even sorry

or even if they are remorseful (mostly regretful) and sorry but not sorry enough, not remorseful enough....still lies....and then lies about the lies.....

but still honest, we will eventually find a way to forgive our idiots....maybe not anytime soon though...but eventually...because i think we deserve to let them go.....for US...

forgiveness for me is letting it go...not allowing it to have anymore power over me....does not mean that it was or ever was or could be ok....it will just "be" and i want to let it "GO"......because then i can truly move on....

it is what it is, it will become what i make it...living for today, preparing for tomorrow, remembering that i cannot control it all, so i will do what i can and let go of the rest....


((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, it is hard to forgive a person who is not remorseful, but possible. My xWH wasn't remorseful, nor was my father.... (my father did something with my wedding, but that's a long story.....) and I forgave them both in my heart, but didn't get the opportunity to tell either one of them.

M3, I'm glad you are going to Retro....it can only help and can't hurt.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480, it never ends, does it?

It is easy to believe in R when the stress level is low, but add in some DS18 stress with college and the triangulation is back and I have drunk $25 worth of scotch; it is single malt, so not as much as you are thinking. I made the right call, and checked in with a friend to concur, but I set myself up as the bad guy while FWW plays caring and concerned Mom and find comfort with her kids. FUCK this.

I am beginning to realize that no matter the issue, the A is sitting in the corner waiting to come on to the stage. When I am drunk, I wish I had someone to desire me and say nice things to me just to have sex.

Yes, I should tell FWW I am hurting, but right now, I think she should have a clue rather than being thankful I said I am fine.

I made this mess with my tolerance; I am not sure the path out. DS and other may suffer for my lack of balls.


DP, Tryn had good advice to take full advantage of the resources your WS provides while you get your ducks in a row. When your ducks are lined up, take a picture for us like Laura does.

I hate this shit!

--Ats

ETA. wow, that reads negative. I am going to pop some corn and watch Family Guy and try not to be so pathetic.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:24 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: your post is not very clear...

what happened?

eta: i saw your eta...i hope you decompress watching some comedy....get a good nite sleep too, kkkk


nite all

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:32 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, are you ok? I'm up for a while, so vent if you need to.

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be fine, but I am dismayed at the lack of support from FWW. DS18 wants to move off campus. More expensive, farther from campus, rushed decisions (which I do not do well with). I end up being the bad guy; FWW is retreating to DS15 and being vague about contact with DS18. She is retreating to protect herself, and leaving me exposed. DS18 hung up on me when I told him we did not want him off campus, and then sent a text telling me what an awful Father I am. FWW is fine with me isolated and left to cope on my own. I went out and bought a pack of Marlboros. Want one honest?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS is 18? It's still hard even though he is going to college. The only thing I could suggest is that you tell DS18 that you will discuss it with Mrs Ats and then get back to him.

YOu and FWW need to discuss with MC how you guys will handle the parenting issues in the future. Kids will try to divide and conquer if they can...

Try to stay calm and just look at this issue only. I know it's hard because all the other crap is there wanting attention too.

I have my Parliament 100's. Cutting down though!!


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats

I am here. It's only 5.30pm here so I will be around all night if you need me.

sent a text telling me what an awful Father I am.

Of course. That's what kids do to get their way. But we all know that in the long term they will thank you for caring enough not to take the easy course and give in. He's just flexing his muscles.

DS and other may suffer for my lack of balls.

No No No No No No No No No No !!!!!!!!

It takes far more "balls" to stay and R than to run away!!! You know that. It took ENORMOUS balls to help your W with her issues as you did. Please stop beating yourself up.

BTW My H told me he was upset that OW3 told him several times that he didn't have the balls to leave me.

He didn't like that!!

I'm here ats

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal
This crazy witch just wanted to come to check me and our family out!
Yep, she did. And she knew that it was neither the time nor the place when your WH could take her up on it, that's why she chose that moment. My H stated categorically that MOW had never been to our town. I looked at him in amazement. Of course she had!! She will have driven/walked down our road, checked out our house, probably seen our boys, seen me – I might even have passed her on the street - or spoken to her! I didn’t KNOW her, so she was safe doing that! Fucking idiot. And I felt violated by that thought – I bet you did too njgal.

The only thing I could suggest is that you tell DS18 that you will discuss it with Mrs Ats and then get back to him.
Sounds the best policy. When it’s HIS money, then he can make the decision. Until then, it is a family decision. And him telling you what an awful father you are is to be ignored. He just wants his own way and has maybe already put it about among his peers that he is moving off campus and doesn’t want to lose face. You hold the financial reins, he has to listen to you and Mrs Ats. He ain’t outta the nest yet. As soon as each of my boys reached 16, I told them they could legally leave home, get married, rent a house, have their own bank account. There’s the door. My house, my money, my rules. Anything can be discussed, but they would have to put forward a bloody good argument for me to change my mind. And if it was right, I would. But usually it’s about compromise. And they had to be mature about it.

You have not made a mess – you are trying (and succeeding) to turn things around. Sometimes things get broken in the process, but you clear up and carry on that path that is the right one. It takes balls to stay on the path and lack of balls to give up. You can’t be strong all the time – cut yourself some slack.

FWH’s SIL has been to the hospice. I think it was just a visit so she knows what she will be going to when she needs it. FWH is pretty much estranged from his brother and I have gone NC since dday (long story), but he did try to patch things for the sake of their parents up when SIL got the terminal diagnosis. I wonder what is going through FWH’s heart and mind with all this going on. Is he going to be looking for another escape from reality and another affair? I have said before that I think MOW would try to contact him if she had a bereavement and that he would be unable to resist offering her something in the way of comfort.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* When an injustice hasn't been properly dealt with, then forgiveness isn't possible
How about two years of lying.
*Forgiveness cannot be given unless there is compassion (for the perpetrator).
I don’t feel compassion for FWH – he has no real FOO issues, only ex-gf issues. He did it because he wanted to and he could and he decided she might have been the right one after all.
* The person is more than what they have done.
And I am more than a wife, more than a mother, more than a housekeeper. He says there is more to him than the affair. Yes there is, but packaged together with our rewritten marriage, she was a much bigger part of his life and therefore our life that she should ever have been.
* Community support helps victims to deal with their anger(and ultimately be able to come to a place of forgiveness).
I will find peace, but it won’t come from forgiving him – or myself. It will come from accepting it and learning that no one will ever be able to hurt me by betrayal again.
* We must hold them accountable for their betrayal but ultimately we should offer them redemption (for our own well-being)
I cannot offer redemption to the man I was married to. The man I am trying to see now is someone else. Therefore the whole forgiveness/redemption business does not really apply.
* The victimizer must ask for our forgiveness and admit his culpability.
In the early days, he mentioned a couple of times that he hoped I would one day forgive him. Forgiveness has not been touched upon since we stopped MC two years ago. He never did IC.
* Some sins can never be fully atoned for yet we must somehow find the path to forgiveness because the soul seeks peace .
My peace will come from acceptance and putting the affair in its place on the shelf (Ats analogy). My peace will come from just not caring as much.
* If we forgive ourselves it is a wonderful beginning. It is our lack of compassion for ourselves that makes forgiveness so difficult.
This is the hardest one of all. I know that in order to forgive FWH I have to forgive myself. But I can’t. So I am working on acceptance instead.

Now I feel bad. FWH has just made me an espresso (I'm trying coffee for the first time......) and brought some chocolate biscuits.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.