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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

once again i am short on time..so for the moment


((((allgood)))) i am praying that mr allgood has an epiphany or at least shows he has a brain after all....


honest: of course you miss him...but the him you miss is a myth...as it was for me...the men we loved never really existed did they....we loved who they thought they were and who we thought they were are dead and gone.....and its hard because we see these men in real life..they look the same, they talk the same, they have the same cute things we always loved....but all we see and all we saw was a facade....you need to do as i need to do...remember at all times that IT IS A FACADE.....THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM IN ANY WAY THAT MATTERS......and we cannot hope for that anymore.....i am so sorry honest

(((honest)))

bbl tribe...

and laura...good to hear that it seems to be a break in the water...i am still praying for more...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest))) I have not done a good job checking in with you after Mr. Dishonest left, and for that I apologise. I'm so sorry that you have to cycle thru this, and I hope you never have to do it again.

(((allgood))) I'm not sure which way to go here, so I'm going to pray for clarity for you and Mr. Allgood.

m3, I love that Paddy is now m3's adorable baby and not part of WH's destructive past.

(((miracle)))

(((ats))) I'm not giving away all the atta-boys to your FWW. You get mongo atta-boys for giving her many, many chances to become the woman she is becoming. You are a generous and strong spirit.

I know this is soooooo lame, but miracle popped her message onto another page, so now I can't remember who else posted on page 12. So just hugs all around.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Keeping you in my prayers.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only have a minute but wanted you all to know that I'm thinking of you.

Allgood - The advice you are getting is spot on. There's not one of us here that hasn't been or is not afraid of what the future holds. The most important thing is that you deserve to be happy. Say that to yourself over and over. Paste it on your bathroom mirror. You deserve to be happy.

Honest - Anniversaries suck. It's funny but I never really cared much if FWH remembered our anniversary. I cut him so much slack! I was so confident of our M that it was rare for my feelings to get hurt. Now of course, I cry at the drop of a hat.

This has been a crappy week but we have MC tomorrow then FWH and DS both leave until Sunday. My BFF and I are going shopping! She needs it, I need it and we're not coming home until we make the credit cards bleed!

ETA: (((Tribe)))

[This message edited by strongish at 7:39 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: you made me smile....way back when, when i thought i had a faithful husband who just had foo issues......we used to fight, alot ....and he would always take their side, always their way...anyways,when i was really mad at him i used to go shopping, he was penny pinching too...so i knew it would make him not so happy if i spent money...meanwhile i never spent alot because i thought we didn't have alot...we sill don't have alot alot, but we are comfy...i did't know how comfy though til after d-day and found out how much money he had hidden....

anyways you made me smile talking about going shopping to spend the money...

ok...here goes the what if convo...

when you look back and play the what if game, you can never ever know how would have turned out...and the point is and its a really really big point...WE CANNOT GO BACK, WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST...we can only live in the present and prepare for the future...

i have no regrets because i know that at the time i didn't know any better...so at the time i took my path of least regret....was it a mistake....if i didn't have my 3 kids i would say a resounding yes....but i do have my kids, and i still did what was my path of least regret then...and NOW i do the same....i am following the path.....even if in the future i see it was wrong....i cannot possibly know that now...i can only know what i know and learn in the present and learn in the future....

we cannot change the past, we cannot rewrite history, we cannot change anything or anybody but ourselves and our present.....

so playing the what it game is a lose lose game...you will never get the answers you seek nor will it give you any peace and furthermore it cannot possibly help you today except to learn from your past and use what you have learned to live a better today, preparing for an even better tomorrow...

ok gotta go again...

allgood...praying so hard for you....and for mr allgood too...


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Annielost
♀ Member
Member # 30336
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j - Hi all. I've never asked to be part of a group before, I was never a joiner. Tonight I'm standing in the lunchroom with my tray, shifting my feet back and forth looking at your table. Do you mind if I sit with you guys for awhile? You seem really supportive and fun. By the way, the reason I'm standing at your table is because my WH, a cop, had a LTA with a dispatcher. I have now entered the rage portion of this journey could really use some advice. I'm not sure how to get past it and it's consuming me and making it horrible for everyone including me. I'm praying for all of us and that we all have strength to make it through this journey.


BW - 30's
WH - 30's
Married 15 years
2 beautiful children
DDay 11-05-10
R? I'm going to do it because I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I DID everything I could to save my family.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello annie,

pull up a seat girlfriend...of course you may sit with us...and i know you will understand when i say i am so so sorry that you have the need to join our table....

i read your profile....and you will get over this...but first you must choose to do just that....and in getting over it you will find that you are no longer the same person you started out with....

this shit changes us....but listen up..the core of who we are does not change..it gets shaken, but remains intact...so take good care of yourself and remember every now and then to breathe..

how long ago was your d-day?...

(((annie)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Annie

Welcome honey. You have found a truly wonderful group of people. They have been my lifeline.

The group varies but there are a dozen or more who post regularly and others who pop in from time to time. We all know each other fairly well. Don't worry if you can't keep track of us all. Just "think out loud" here and we will support you.

I have read the posts you've written and can sincerely say you are a strong, intelligent, principled, kind woman a welcome addition to our tribe.

We all know how hard this is. You will survive this and it will get easier. I am about 7 months out and still remember the rawness of the first few months. It will get better. You will go from feeling quite positive to the depths of despair from hour to hour and day to day. Truly it does get easier. At your point I just wanted to die most of the time. Look after yourself, post whenever and as often as you need to and know that there are people who really do understand and empathise. AND IT WILL GET BETTER.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

How appropriate... the caterpillars going through the metamorphisis. That is what we are all doing here. We are surviving, but can change to wonderful creatures who are free from pain and enjoy the world, minute by minute.

BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THEM.

I know I promised but just one more. I watched this one fly out of the butterfly house and land on a nearby shrub. Just had to take a pic

Continuing the animal theme you might also like this. A lot of people don't realise that kangaroos can actually be quite dangerous. They have huge claws on their hind legs and will attack when frightened. This is a very brave man saving some from the floods!!!

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 1:34 AM, January 14th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Annie....
I hope our little group can help you get through this mess.

Laura- Thanks for the pics.
My prayers are with all of the Aussies dealing with the floods.

We have been having such extreme weather everywhere...haven't we?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annielost... We are glad you came to visit this thread. Not real need to go way back and read all about all us.. we will share with you as it comes along. You are here to help us too... as you walk a similiar but different path we all walked... we will learn something from you!

We have so many different types of great people here in different phases of R, staying married for kids, and just waiting for the right time to D. So you can recieve a whole lotta different types of views to help you understand your trauma.

I will start with this. You are in only the second month of a battle with your brain. Only a clear understanding of what happened to you in very detailed thought will you heal. You can only control yourself and not your H (nor ever did). You need to find your own happiness. Life as you’ve known it has changed. You lost your innocents.. People are not always loving and loyal.

Exactly how do you feel right now?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:31 AM, January 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Annie))) Welcome!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28
Please keep showing us the pics! I love them.... and the comments that went along with it!

look what I drew from your pic... lol...

honesttoafault... Your mom moving in with you.. You have some hard decisions to make... I'm sure there could be both benefits and drawbacks.. Can she help you be independant?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:38 AM, January 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi annie! Welcome.

All good? What happened?

I am pleased to report That Paddy has begun to sit up on her own. She can get from her commando crawl to sitting and safely back on her own. That therapy is amazing.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: what wonderful news about baby paddy....when caught early so many things can be cured, fixed and made so much better...so yay baby paddy..


honest: do not have your mother move in...bad bad move for you....she will suck you dry and you have been sucked dry enough by her and your ws....time for you to fly...and i know, KNOW that you will SOAR...


allgood: check in hon....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Annie.

m3.

Thanks for the baby update.

Laura.

Thanks for the pictures. What happened to the ducks? Now to address your comment from a few days ago. Yes my W does/did have good boundrys. For ME!

tryn.

I am afraid that the bad will out weigh the good if honest has her mom move in with her. A BPD in rehab from a injury would be a tough thing for honest to deal with.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annie - Welcome my dear. I will second what others have said that this group is pretty amazing. Every single person here has been in your shoes so don't ever be afraid to drop your defenses and vent. We have all felt the despair, rage, frustration, rage, sadness, rage, confusion...and did I mention rage...that you are feeling now. I am 6.5 months out from DDay and my moods still swing wildly from hour to hour. There are times I feel like there is no way I can R with this man that is such a stranger to me, and then I think do I really want to be alone? Is he really that bad?? I mean, he never meant to hurt me...right?

The best thing that I/we did was get counseling. We started out with joint MC. The first one was someone that we had actually seen many years before that my FWH liked. So I called and made a appt. with her the day I found out about my FWH's LTA. Although we saw her separately and then together for 4 months, she wasn't a "good fit" for me. I was not getting the support that I needed from her in the MC so I started seeing a different IC. Upon her recommendation my FWH and I have begun seeing a new MC. I like this new one but it's still too early to make any predictions.

I strongly encourage you to get into counseling...with or without your WS. If the first one doesn't work, then find another, then another if you need to. You are a cop's wife so I KNOW that you are a strong person. You've been dealt a punishing blow but you CAN overcome this. For now...do what you need to do to make it through the day and take care of yourself and your children. Post here...we care about you.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m# - So glad to hear about Baby Paddy's progress. She is a special little girl and I just know that this is just the beginning of the many new things she will learn to do.

Allgood - Where are you?? Thinking of you....

Miracle - the good news is that I never played the "What if?" game. Yay for me! Honestly I think that's because my life is so good, well, except for the part where my FWH had a LTA with a co-worker! That part sucks, but other than that, I've been very, very lucky. Having said that, I do think we need to examine the past to find the lessons that we can learn from it.

MC #2 session today. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get through this with a minimum of tissues.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helloooooo everybody!!!

Welcome Annie.

M3- Great news about Baby Paddy! I'm so happy for you.

Laura - I love that pic of the guy saving the little kangaroos! Glad to hear everyone is doing ok by you.

My update:

I did not get the finality or clarity that I was seeking. The issues were narrowed, I suppose. I think he knows I'm prepared to walk away.

We spoke for 1 1/2 hours last night. I started by discussing the Xmas party - the photo - because I needed to know what the deal was. So, I'm afraid Mr. Allgood was interrogated for about 20 mins on that topic. (One of the reasons I didn't see the use in going to mc for this talk - this was something I needed to get to the bottom of & not in a comfy, let's all get along kind of a way.)

So, he gave a few more details of that evening as far as his contact with OW. Makes more sense now, but of course, I can't rule out that it wasn't more than what he admitted to.

So, moving on from that issue, I briefly, and very calmly discussed what I believe to be a lack of investment or interest on his part as far as the reconciliation goes. You guys know the background, I don't need to repeat it.

I wanted to hear from him as far as what his experience was the past 2 weeks - as he didn't seem upset that I told him it's over at all.
His general resposne was that he was/is upset about it, been thinking about it a lot, not the type to show it. (True). That maybe he handled it better than me because he has always expected it to end.
Thinks I'm better without him. Thinks there is nothing that could fix this. (Ok - maybe he didn't say it exactly like that - but I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying.) Sees that I'm sad a lot and that reinforces that it's not going to work.
I tried to point out to him how he has undermined the process, by continued lying, failing to place me/our marriage as his #1 priority, and a failure to show real emotional support.
Told him there are things that need to change - he needs to act in a trustworthy manner (this he explains is the way he grew up - never had to answer to anyone, which is something he admitted doing throughout our marriage - lying to me about his whereabouts because he doesn't want "to deal with it" from me), we need better communication, etc.
He really doesn't believe therapy does anything and he doesn't understand why we can't just go back to the way we were before - when we were happy- we never had to work on better communication, etc. then.
I explained that I'm not the same person anymore and my opinion of him is not the same anymore.
I told him I wasn't happy the way we were reconciling before and that if that is the best he can do, it's just not enough. I specifically told him that it's ok to say he can't do more, that I would respect that decision and I could know that he still loves me, but that it just can't work.
He really just stayed quiet at that point, other than to say he loved me.
Then, he started asking me about what plans I had made to start dating, etc.

So, to summarize, I tried to narrow what the issues were & that I need more to be happy and I'm not running after him anymore to do what it takes.
He's supposed to let me know if he can do it - but he just doesn't know what to do.
So, I gave him a few examples.

Overall, it was a good talk, but I still feel in limbo. I don't know that I did the best job articulating that I'm going to continue to detach until I see some effort from him.

Still struggling to understand how I can be receptive to his showing me he loves me and wants to save this when I'm also limiting our contact via the 180. (Like, I know he can go to MC, read books, not go out, etc., but I would think an important part of this is having more substantial contact with me as well, I just don't want to get sucked back in.)

Ok - I got to go.
Hope some of it made sense.
Thanks again to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: Awesome pics!! Please don't stop sending them. They lift up my spirits!!
I'm glad that the floods stopped before they reached your family!! You and the Aussies are in our prayers.

Strongish, sometimes doing anything for ourselves, especially doing something with a friend can be very beneficial!! Have some fun going shopping!

Nell: Hugs to you and thank you for your support

Annie: you are welcome here. There are many wise and caring people here that have literally saved my life last year!! Come here and post and vent often!

Miracle: Ah, the "Could'ves and should'ves" have plagued me all my life. Like you, I wouldn't have the 2 younger DS's. There are a lot of things I wouldn't have done or get to see either, but the sacrifice and payment was so high!!

You are right, we did the best we could with WHO WE WERE and our feelings at the time. If we went back in time, given ALL the circumstances, and how everyone was acting, we would have done the same thing.

Matter of fact, I'm reading the new Stephen King book of 4 "long short stories". In one, the woman sees "red flags" that something is not right. She is actually starts to say to herself, "No, this can't be that bad thing"....to acknowledge it would be terrible.

I think that a lot of us are going through that. We did see some red flags, but our trust was so strong, we decided to ignore the red flags and give our WS the benefit of the doubt.

Tryn, as Dip says, my mom is BPD. It is NOT taking care of her physically that is the problem. I have been taking care of her all my life more or less. Because of her BPD, she sucks me dry emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually. I will be sacrificing myself, my core in having her live with me. I'll be sacrificing my ability to take care of my kids. Although I have fought the guilt about this for years and years, I cannot do this.

M3: what wonderful news about Baby Paddy!! I know she will do better and better every day!!

{{{{tribe}}}


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