I've sent you a pm
...as far as your H & mine - and perhaps of all WS - they are not planners, they live day to day
Add my FWW to this too. I have noticed this is an often-mentioned trait in WS's, and while I would not want to generalize, it does help explain the how they can engage in this behavior without any apparent thought of the consequences. The time I came close to crossing the line on a ONS, it was my mind running a fast forward of the possible outcomes and repercussions of what I was considering doing that pulled me back.
Another common trait seems to be difficulty with emotional intimacy with all of the related trust, self-concept, and control issues it touches. This was a big one too for FWW, and I see it in allgood's statement:
...what would his life be like? Other than not having sex with me or hanging out with me, it's pretty close to being the same, especially for so long as we are living together.
For me, there was much more to our M than hanging out and sex, but not for FWW. I was frustrated that we were distant and never a real team, she was relieved to have our relationship like that. She feared emotional intimacy, feeling that she would lose control. Leaving me (as leaving her xH was) meant a lifestyle change, but there was no deep emotional connection to dissolve as there was for me.
It is nice today to be able to walk outside and not see my breath.
I think at dday, we lose our innocents. What I mean is that we are raised to believe that marriage is supposed to be commitment… and all those “love things”. When we M a person unable, ignorant, to knowing and keeping their own boundaries, we face a given in life. When we are not ready, dday is a brain emotional trauma.
I have grown to believe those who commit adultery had time to prepare themselves for the pain coming. They have dreamed it… thus they have no or very little brain trauma what so ever. In some cases, once they realize "loss".. they can experience some trauma but not near what us "innocent" brained people faced.
We now all understand these givens… Everything changes and ends, life doesn’t go according to plan, life is not fair, Pain is part of life and people are not loving and loyal all of the time.
Allgood. I think you’ve done very well protecting some boundaries we should all have for ourselves. I have read many books about boundaries… I wanted you to know you are following exactly what a book I read about finding happiness and they say the following…
Un-intact boundary: Make exception for your H for things you would not tolerate in anyone else and accept his alibis or lies
intact boundary: Have personal standards that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and are not afraid to ask for accountability.
Un-intact boundary:Feel hurt and victimized but dare to show anger
intact boundary: Let yourself feel anger, say ouch, and embark on a program to change your situation for the better.
Un-intact boundary:Allow your partner to abuse you or your children, family, or friends
intact boundary: Insist others’ boundaries be as safeguarded as your own
Un-intact boundary:Are satisfied as long as you are coping and surviving
intact boundary: Are only satisfied if you are thriving
These below are the one's you should be aware of... these are tough! How are you with these?
Un-intact boundary:Fear you partner… and cannot imagine or tolerate life without you partner.
intact boundary: Trust yourself to be able to handle comings and goings and to survive quite comfortably if left alone; abandonment…
Note: The un-intact boundary is Codependency and intact boundary is.. Self-parenting.
I read this good book called Sex on the Brain by Dr. Daniel Amen. He wrote a great chapter about Use Your Brain Before You Give Away Your Heart. In summary about his point on our own happiness… It totally depends on who we decide to be with, commit too. He points out what to look for, what to see… Of course I see those
I have always been the stable force in his life.
When you empower yourself and follow strong boundaries.. you protect your own happiness…
[This message edited by trynhard at 12:17 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
I agree with this:
When you empower yourself and follow strong boundaries.. you protect your own happiness
But I'm not quite sure what to make of the rest of what you posted. Maybe it makes perfect sense if you read the whole book, but to me, it just makes me sound like a lame-o.
I do not believe I am in the negotiating phase. To the contrary, I've said I'm giving up on you changing, I'm not waiting around anymore. If you hustle and start to do some work and catch up with me, I'd love nothing better than that, otherwise I'm moving forward.
And, I am.
I found a few things to do this Spring, new interest-wise. And, I will start dating once I feel I'm emotionally stable enough to do it.
As far as the In-tact v. Un-intact boundary - I guess I would be on the latter list. I do find it very difficult to imagine life without my H as my partner. But, I think that's normal.
I also don't think these are black & white type things in this sitch. I think the aftermath of an affair of this nature and the implications for all involved, including my kids, is very complicated. Of course my H's behavior is unnacceptable. Anyone who engaged in an A has engaged in unacceptable behavior and they all have faults and characteristics that are not all that great.
This is not a situation where I can walk away from him and never look back. We have young children; we will have a lot of interaction over the next 2 decades and that interaction will influence and affect my 4 children. If this was just about me, I would've walked already. Seriously. And, my H knows that.
The fact of the matter is that I am already married. I am not selecting a new partner. I am knee deep with this one. So, am I going to allow him an opportunity to show me he can change.
I think the above sounds like I'm angry with you, but I'm not. Unless you ARE calling me a scaredy cat & then yes, I'm mad.
I know if it wasn't for me, H would be bankrupt and with no money whatsoever. I am the glue that held everything together. Look at all we do, no wonder they feel neglected. Maybe if they had stepped up to the plate and helped with some of the load things would have been better in the M.
Whatever, I can't take back what happened, but just wanted you to know that I know what it's like and it's not that much fun. Sometimes I wonder if I was needy, and asked for help, cried and carried on if things would have been different. But that's not me. Just saying.
It tough having big boobs...poor OW. Wait until she hits 55. I'll take what God has given me, it's not that bad.
It tough having big boobs...poor OW. Wait until she hits 55. I'll take what God has given me, it's not that bad.
Yep OW3 (59) has big boobs too. Mine are on the small side. One day during a rage I made some comment about them hanging below her waist and H didn't correct me. Whenever I'm feeling bad I picture this in my mind and have a little smile. He's always said he hates big boobs!!!
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:17 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
He's always said he hates big boobs!!!
Mine said the same thing...liar liar pants on fire!!!
Sorry about the Colts. Were you there?
Prematurepostulation three times! I have never heard of that. Must be some kind of record. I am glad you liked what I said a few days ago. I was not trying to cover my ass, I really did mean it. Anyway, you should not be too upset with me using the old timer label. After all, I am older and even have old in my name. Maybe I should have used the name old timer.
You wanted a saying to match what you said about your M being doner than done. I did think of one right away, but for now I would rather go with "It's not over till it's over." I am hoping that he will wake up and see what he is throwing away. Your saying "doner than done is pretty good BTW.
Hugs to the tribe.
[This message edited by old dipstick at 3:41 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
I too do EVERYTHING. I file the taxes, I do all the finances, take care of his finances with his side job business, take care of my own business, cooking, cleaning, and add when the kids were home to that.
And likewise, MOW had bigger boobs than me. But FWH has never commented on them to me. But I still went off and got myself some new ones. And a bit of nip/tuck. But I don’t think it’s a brilliant job, so I wear a bra at night (I was always a bed in the buff girl). He thinks I have body dysmorphia. Guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.
but for now I would rather go with "It's not over till it's over." I am hoping that he will wake up and see what he is throwing away.
I too did everything. Housework, shopping, bills, childcare, accounts and taxes (including for the business), negotiating with tradesmen - I even checked the fucking oil and water in my car!!! I did all this while working full time for the last 32 yrs. I refused to learn to drive the mower! Figured that would mean another job for me!!!!
[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:51 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
MOW had bigger boobs than me. But FWH has never commented on them to me. But I still went off and got myself some new ones
All my Hs OWs had bigger boobs than me. I have been seriously considering getting mine done (for ME not him!!!) but am a little scared.
Tomorrow is our antiversary day off... no idea what we're going to do or if WH has planned anything. We had a nice couple of hours on Saturday sans kids (the time we would have used for MC had WH done his homework). I could use the day off anyway. I haven't taken one without being physically unable to function in quite some time. According to the calendar it has not been that long, though.
Your WH is making me crazy. Saying for "doner than done"... how about "my feelings for you sleep with the ducks"?
I am not asking nearly enough of WH. I looked over my unmet needs lists again today (the needs I have yet to share) and, oooohhhhh boy. I managed to get everything grouped under the following big topics:
I will feel CHERISHED etc. when Mr. Nell:
-Backs up loving words with actions
-Is gentle with my feelings
-Shows me that he finds me attractive, desirable, etc.
-Confides in me, trusts me
-Shows that he likes to spend time with me
I will feel SAFE when Mr. Nell:
-Protects me/our relationship
-Understands, accepts and supports me
-Understands himself intimately
-Proves that he will keep his word
-Proves that he is trustworthy
-Creates healthy, respectful relationships
-Guards himself and our marriage against toxic/dangerous people
Nice, right? The "examples" though are five pages long. Five. Pages. Long. I could make an example-a-week calendar... this week: "Makes new male friends who are in healthy, monogamous, stable, long-term relationships and spends time with them" and add kitty-cat pictures or something to make it more palatable, as WH seems to enjoy cutesy stuff that 14-year-olds (and those who are mentally 14 years old) like. That's fun, right?
I may use tomorrow to make WH talk to me about whether he can currently see light from wence (whence?) his head is lodged.
I think the common denominator is that the WS tends to be immature and selfish...often having an addictive personality...alcohol issues, porn addictions etc.
and the BS is the 'sensible' one of the pair.
Sounds right to me - and I took a great deal of pride in it too.
***Jumps tall piles of laundry and gets it washed, dried AND put away *** Pays bills and paperwork faster than a speeding bullet - takes classes at night to improve the paycheck *** never complains, never causes a problem, never asks for support and there she goes Superwoman/wife/mom ***
I was so busy trying to be perfect and maintaining a stiff upper lip under some very stressful and trying circumstances that I didn't see the big red flags waving right under my nose. Oh, and I have over average bosom too -that didn't mean much obviously
Okay, stop with the boob talk. Those of us who have had to shop in the preteen department since the babies trashed our bodies are feeling inadequate. Nobody? Okay, just me.
This has been a really crappy weekend. My BFF, who has been my rock for the past 6+ months found out late last week that he WH (she knew 1.5 years ago that he had had an A) may be being treated for an STD and he didn't tell her!!!!!! She only found out because she was having some "issues" and asked him again if he "had anything more to tell her." Turns out he also had a ONS last fall (she knew things weren't great but thought the M was going to be okay). She has been a wreck and it seems every day for the past 4 days something new has come out. I'm one of the few people that originally knew about his A, so I'm also one of the only ones she feels comfortable leaning on now. We make quite the pair! We just take turns crying. I've encouraged her to call an atty. ASAP and have given her the name of the atty that I spoke with about the post-nup. The bad news is that she is resistant to IC right now. The MC that they saw previously wasn't very helpful so she's wary of having to start all over again with someone new. (Been there...done that) I have also encouraged her to come here. Her WH's A wasn't LTA (just a few months) but I think that she could get some empathy from other SI'ers. But I know that it's not for everyone and this is like a whole new DDay for her.
Keep her, and me in your thoughts tribe. I have been trying to keep up with the posts but some days it's tough to just keep my head above water.
and about the boobs...hmmm...both MOW and I are...about the same size in that department...
But, again, I do not think that played a role in the LTA.
The MOW was very willing, she started the pursuit, he couldn't turn down the opportunity and then... she was so much 'fun' and an escape from reality...
it didn't matter that she was a frumpy middle aged married mother of 3!
She knew how to play the fantasy role. She was a pro at this affair stuff. She had done it before.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:54 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
Kickboxing! Wow! I'm impressed!
I have to get back to my exercise routine...dealing with the LTA has completely thrown everything out of whack for me. Haven't been able to get back on board with exercise since d-day.
I am trying to change starting now!
But, don't know if I'm ready for kickboxing!
I'm more of a yoga girl.
some days it's tough to just keep my head above water.
Strong this quote really freaked me out as I was just planning on writing a brief note to you all about the floods here in Australia.
It's pretty grim. 8 people dead and 72 missing after an "inland tsunami" went through Toowoomba yesterday. Amazing. Have a look at film online if you get a chance. It's incredible. Sadly one family trapped in a white car (you'll probably see it) have disappeared - car was washed away. (I did actually start crying when I saw this)
Floods will hit our town tomorrow. H and I and families are all fairly safe. We are definately OK - high on a hill, BIL's farm including house will go under this evening but they have evacuated, my brother's business may go under and three families could get water in homes.
Keep all us aussies in your prayers please. There are lots suffering losses at present. There are a number of SIers from Australia that I pm a lot. 2 live in Brisbane- which is also going to cop it. One of these is a regular contributor to LTA (listed as from US to protect identity). I'm fairly sure this person is safe but will let you know if I hear otherwise.
Nell - I also shop in the preteen so sign me up for the non-booby team too!!
When I get time will let you all know about my butterflies
Now that's got you guessing!!!
Doesn't it seem like there has been a lot of very extreme weather lately?
Hopefully, the rains will end soon.