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Newest Member: Basia52 (45745)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
ibmovingon
♀ Member
Member # 22179
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent most of my married life brushing things under the rug and pretending it wasn't happening to avoid the "what if he leaves" issue. And in the end, he left anyway.

setting boundaries will not determine if he leaves you or not, that will be his choice 100%. If he wants it to work, he will work to get to the point where he can accept your boundaries. If he doesn't, he will use the boundaries as an EXCUSE to leave, if he was going to leave anyway. It takes all the heat off him. It is mental blackmail and emotional abuse for a WS to inflict that on the BS.

Just a word of caution...don't set ANY consequences you are not fully prepared to see all the way through. Because if you set them, and he breaks the boundary and you do not follow through with the consequence, that only gives him more power.


BW (me)- 52
XWH - 54
M almost 31 yrs, 2 kids
Dday - which one? He's a sex addict.
Divorce final 2/1/2010

"You are the only one that can stop him from hurting you, he will keep doing it as long as you let him" - My Mom


Posts: 273 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed, your boundarues are your. They are for you. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. This has nothing to do with others, we define how we are to be treated. Glad you apprecited it.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about these Boundaries and Consequences:

It stops contacting the filthy puss bag or else it gets the hose again.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
laughagain?
♀ Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized recently this is one of my major issues I need to work on after riding this rollercoaster for 14 months. I now realize that as long as I allow him to lie and be so disrespectful to me he will continue.
So scary though.

[This message edited by laughagain? at 11:30 AM, November 11th (Friday)]


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks... didn't see this 1st time around.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 7632 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great on for us newbies


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for Twang


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
emptyheart
♀ Member
Member # 18873
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for geneva


Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Mar 2008
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1517 | Registered: Nov 2010
Twang
♀ Member
Member # 34121
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for L&B


Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

Posts: 93 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Twang
♀ Member
Member # 34121
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great read for the end of the day! Wow powerful. Bless you!


Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

Posts: 93 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, December 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4892 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 287
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