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Newest Member: Hopeful96 (45455)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumpity bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BlackHorse
♂ Member
Member # 43459
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you "tushnurse" for bringing this discussion back to the front where I was able to read and attempt to understand - and maybe use - if I get the chance.

Unfortunately things may already be too late.

- BlackHorse.


Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The West Coast of Canada
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blackhorse,
This applies going forward regardless of outcome. Welcome to the club.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for all the new members that come here over a long holiday weekend.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2342 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMP


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Hurtingnnc
♀ Member
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to bump this as I found it very helpful. I am really working on enforcing boundaries this week.


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad someone bumped this thread about boundaries and consequences.

These boundaries make sense but we often fail even if we identify them. This is because we donít think about the other side of the boundary issue, CONSEQUENCES. Personal boundaries NEED consequences, otherwise they are not true boundaries. Consequences are the outcomes of a personís behaviors. By their nature, they gauge the relative value of the behavior, because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences. When dealing with boundaries with your WS, we as BSís have the power to determine the consequences; we get to decide what is acceptable and what we will allow as a result of the behavioral choices made by our WSís. These choices are never easy, but once made they need to be fairly static, and need to be communicated effectively so both parties are clear as to the boundary and consequence. You need to be clear about your expectations , for me we wrote a marital contract and put it on paper, I wrote them down and discussed each with my WS.

I think that is eloquently stated.

Not all consequences need to be dire, all WSís will make mistakes in Reconciliation, if everything is a deal breaker then your doomed to failure. Your WS didnít get in this predicament in a day, there are years of learned behaviors and coping mechanisms that need to be discovered and unwound. While discussing the marital contract you can discuss your values, why you have particular deal breakers and what messages are sent when violations occur. This helps you communicate to your WS your values, and the fact that your values are important to bonding you back to this Marriage.

Yes, not every negative behavior should be a deal breaker, only those that apply to boundaries that are breeding grounds for an affair


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump

Posts: 6675 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
trustedg
♀ Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this posts, glad someone added a comment recently.

Very good reminders to keep the BS on track.


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DD#1)
DDay 12/2012
Married 41 years, in R

Posts: 270 | Registered: Aug 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 172 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 283
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