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User Topic: Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4660 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
pmal64
♀ Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumpity bump.


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-48
fWH -51

Posts: 553 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2415 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused71
♀ New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm working on drafting my boundaries so I can share them with WH when we start MC. I've come up with 3 lists and am titling them Expectations, Goals, and Dealbreakers. I have 10 expectations, 3 deal breakers (which would result in divorce), and 5 goals for now. An example of an expectation would be an ongoing commitment to MC and IC - weekly sessions for each. An example of a goal would be to deal with conflict head on instead of avoiding it. A deal breaker example would be any inappropriate physical, emotional, or sexual contact with another person.

Do these categories make sense, or am I breaking things down too much? Also, do I need consequences for expectations? If so, what would those look like?

Also, just curious what the general consensus is about working on R while we're still separated. Worried about the kids with him moving in and then possibly moving back out again if he screws up during R.


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for livebythesea


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused71,

Sounds like you have a clear idea of how this might work for you. I think you need to articulate the consequences of not meeting the categories. The deal breakers are straight, but what about when an expectation is not met, what will be the result.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4660 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4660 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Phoenix9572
♀ Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very Christian based message but the heart of the message has been very good. I have found this very helpful as I'm learning that I have let my WH walk all over my boundaries and have not stuck up for myself in the past. I plan on taking the concepts in here to my IC and getting help with defining my boudaries and consequences to my WH.
Here's the link: http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/all.html


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for maddmurph.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 260
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