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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a well-stated response to a post by an OW wanting to know why the BW could say such ugly things.

"Two key words...BETRAYED

and WIFE

If you don't understand these words, look them up in a dictionary.

The betrayed wife has taken some vows with her husband that are legal and binding. She has invested sometimes years of her life and the lives of her children with this man, usually gone through some hard times with him financially and other wise.
She has forsaken all other men to be faithful to him. Sometimes she has worked nights and weekends to help make ends meet or put him through college. She's been there for him when he's been sick or injured.

And you wonder why she's upset?"

That about sums it up perfectly although I can think of so much more.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disrespected, I tried reading some stuff from other sites and I just flat out gave up, those...things were just so delusional, lost, it was actually pathetic and made me lose brain cells reading their crap.

Welcome brokenhearted...this is the best place you don't want to be.

You do whatever is right for YOU and YOUR CHILD. Nevermind what others say--we are NC and the few people I know totally understand. New people would balk and be upset that we are NC with the child. Yes, the child is innocent. However so is yours. So are you. Well if the cOW in our sitch wasn't such a raging bitch there may have been a little hope of contact. You have to do what is right to keep you and yours safe. I feel the kids have the rest of their lives to get to know each other if they want to later on. DNA doesn't necessarily make "family". If you don't want contact from the OW/OC, make it clear you don't want it, don't listen to her, block her, etc. It's your life, your situation to deal with, others who are on the outside looking in and have no experience with this have zero idea what hell this can truly be. If and when you are ever comfortable with contact, then go forward with it. You won't be judged here though. Here many of us have NC, C, some C, full custody. But there's no reason why you need to feel ANY obligation to this situation. Don't torture yourself worrying about the OC either. I did that for awhile. My heart is big and to know the OC was being raised by a lunatic who refuses to work and provide better for him...it does bother me still but I am able to detach. There is nothing we can change or do, if the OW is going to be a crap mother then there is nothing we are able to do. Maybe say an extra prayer. The only one who can do anything is your SO. It's learning to detach from the situation. It doesn't mean you are cruel, cold, etc. It's realizing that there is little you can do in a situation like this. Keep the focus on you and yours. Working through this is hard enough, don't burden yourself with the situation.

(((betrayed)))

I'm so sorry you are here.

(((scorpio))) We all deserve peace and happiness, and I'm glad to are finding this in your friend. Are there any rules in your state about your STBX paying for college? In the state I'm in if you are married then yes...however seems to be a case-by-case basis if you aren't.

(((#1survivor))) Again this chicks are delusional. They are so broken and beat down they are always out to make themselves look good...and it's usually a FAIL.

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 6:39 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine,

In my state, you only have to pay up to 18 years old. Our old state, you pay until 21 if the child is in college/trade school.

Thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, this new guy is giving me what I always wanted from STBXWH. Whether or not STBXWH changes or not, I can't wait around for that. Plus, my feelings have change for him. It just got to the point that I felt like a foll being with him and giving 100% and knowing that he did everything he did.

If it were just a one-time thing, I could work with that. But to find out he cheated throughout our whole marriage. That made me feel crappy and see that he wanted to move on but keep me there also.

disrespected666, I spend a lot of time on boards where OWs posted. It really disgusted me reading some of the things they posted. I knew that I didn't want to be that insecure with myself that I would resort to some of their actions.

That forced me to take a good look at myself and work on my own issues so that I would not have to go down that road to find pleasure in someone else's pain.

I have also read on a site that has older OC or even OW with OC posting. That made me realize that I did not want to go on a rollercoaster ride with that situation.

A lot of times I wonder how WHs can turn off their feelings about the OW. Especially when there is an OC in the picture. My STBXWH swore that he loved OW, even moved out of state with her. But the minute she cheated on him, he was gone. Now he claims to not feel anything for her. I wonder how that could be.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
Brokenhearted805
♀ New Member
Member # 33724
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my child support papers came in today which means the OW got hers too! Even though I know she won't be getting anything it still makes me furious that me & my son where put in this situation! Why couldn't he just keep it in his pants or @ least wear a condom? Ive written him a few letters telling him how he has made me feel & what he has done to OUR son who he said he wanted sooo badly. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to send them. Every time we have a child support hearing or anything of the sort it hurts all over again like the first time!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scorpio I wondered the same thing, and my fwh very matter of factly told me he never had feelings, she was just a piece of tissue to use and dispose. I think he said that to make me feel better...it was never a love case with them, it was jus NSA sex...but to hear him say that reminded me of interviews with serial killers. Very cold, calculated, etc. It made me wonder who this monster is I married. Who does that to people? And to see him so warm and loving to me, he is a great father to our COM...he does things for the community, etc its real hard to know this broken person is inside. I know he's working on that in IC. But its not comforting to know he was so emotionless. I won't lie though, I think R is a hair easier because there are were no feelings, no love, no "real" relationship past the sex.

Now as far as the OC goes, it does break my heart to know he has zero interest in contact, but I know its because eof the OW. We had talked about a 3rd person/mediator involved, but that's additional $ plus again we have to deal with OW, plus we fear that the OW has already made false allegations that we have been hostile to her and OC (even with NC) so I can't imagine what would happen if we had the child over our home. I'm 100% certain she would lie to make our lives miserable since she has already tried that. I know someone this happened to...lies that got the cops and CPS involved...and it was a year long nightmare. So the NC is both of our decision for ours and our COM safety.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine, I have read evertything this OW has put you and your husband through. She is a lunatic. I can understand the need for NC. Seems she knows the ins and outs of the child support system.

After being stalked by OW here and everything else that has gone down, I couldn't see myself having any kind of relationship with her. WTF! We are supposed to act civilized because you have a kid? That is what gets to me.

I had a problem with the concept of love. I mean, he supposedly loved her. Even moved to another state with her. But the minute she cheated he was out the door. Seemed selfish to me. Then all of a sudden he didn't love her anymore.

What got to me is that he wouldn't explore these issues in counseling. The final straw was when he stayed in a hotel with OW and OC and claimed that nothing happened. OW came down so that OC could visit STBXWH. He basically told me and the kids that he didn't care how we felt about the situation, but that he was going to see the OC.

Put us in our place and let us know how low we are on his list of priorities. After a week away he noticed that everyone treated him differently. He didn't care what damage he did as long as he did what he wanted to do.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted in general...and I know I'm not really supposed to vent...but that BITCH.

We have a family email account that is in my name, which I made specifically for the cOW to use for any correspondence about OC. Have had nothing go to it since earlier in the year when I made it. Today I realized I hadn't checked it in a couple weeks (I usually check it once a week), and there was a link to a site that "I" supposeably joined...for single parents. While I'm looking at it another link pops up for a subscription to a NSA site for married people, which she used my fwh's old username from his old email. Now mind you I KNOW he didn't do it; I was with him most of the afternoon and the profile was made either while he was asleep or while he was driving on his way to work. THEN another link for an infidelity site (not this one). She was using OUR email address to make profiles on other sites! W.T.F. But little does her DUMB ASS know an ip address popped up on one of the emails that's not ours...that was used when the profile was made.

Calling the cops tomorrow. Calling the internet provider that popped up with that ip address tomorrow as well. Filing charges if it's possible. I'm sick of this shit. Why she gonna act like some little fucking kid?

SHE IS A NUTJOB! and this is WITH NC! Can you only imagine how much more of a nightmare this would be if we had C?

Going to bed now, was supposed to already, sitting in bed typing this out (excuse any typos).


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Island and Scorpio,

I think its hard to imagine no feelings because we look at it from a woman's perspective. My WH said they were work friends but he didn't love or even care for her. He said she was there and available and that he was in a bad place and she liked him. Plain and simple. men can do that easier than woman IMO. They can just have sex where woman bring emotions into it. Who knows? This whole madness is so fucking stupid. I'm so hurt he felt he couldn't talk to me about how he was feeling. I'm so angry and amazed that a person could be so evil that she would want to hurt a family. I get that our boys were stupid and they betrayed us but I just don't get how a woman can destroy relationships hurt people and live with herself.
I miss my old life. I guess I'm learning every day how to try to forgive and let go of my anger. She doesn't deserve the space in my head I'm learning how much I really do love him and miss having him in the same home but I am also learning that I am stronger than I thought I was and that if I choose to walk away I will survive.
People will have something to say whether you are happy or sad so I'm choosing to work on being happy and fuck what people have to say about this or any situation in our lives. Everybody has skeletons. I do hope she and all of the OW are living their own private hell.
Hugs to (((everyone))).


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
Brokenhearted805
♀ New Member
Member # 33724
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine,
Thank you for that. It is really helpful. It seems like everyone has their own opinion about this sitch when I haven't even figured out what I want. Or if I just want to walk away. I know DNA doesn't make family & I don't feel comfortable about it anyways. I feel that my son has been robbed of the chance to have a sibling. & not to mention his father. He's currently out of the picture for other things. This past week has been hell for me. Because I'm not sure how my son knows but he keeps asking who annie is (which is close to the OC's name) & every time it not only breaks my heart but it pisses me the f#*! Off. I have never spoken her name & I don't think his father even knows her name. I feel like I'm going crazy over this whole mess!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling kind of down today. Everything is great (albeit crazy busy) at home but sometimes the pain and hopelessness of this situation overwhelms me and I just want to retreat to a quiet place all by myself and cry. I hope it's just the weather. I hope you all have a good and stressless weekend.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by disrespected666 at 1:14 PM, November 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
feeling bi polar
♀ Member
Member # 31086
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling more hopeful today. Wh and OW had a hearing last week over a reduction in CS. WH has shared custody and keeps OC 3 days a week. She had an atty and pled to not get a reduction based on her "extreme poverty" and mentioned filing for SS disability.

WH stewed about various things that were said in court including that the reduction sought only amounted to 23% of the ordered amount and that he shouldn't be that upset over such a petty amount. said her atty. WH got upset and began to rant about many of the lies that she has told the courts social services etc. (finally)

Now today he is talking about filing a motion to ask for a change in Physical custody. He is talking about filing for sole custody. Fingers crossed and I hope he gets it. I think that OW will fade away if OC is no longer a paycheck for her . I hope she will slither back under the rock from where she emerged.


In three words I can sum up everything Iíve learned about life ó It goes on. óRobert Frost

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: VA
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@feeling bi polar--
Now today he is talking about filing a motion to ask for a change in Physical custody. He is talking about filing for sole custody. Fingers crossed and I hope he gets it. I think that OW will fade away if OC is no longer a paycheck for her . I hope she will slither back under the rock from where she emerged.
---

In my experiance yes she will fade away. Dec of 09 I was served with CS modifaction paperwork (thats right the BS was) she wanted it raised from 600 to 1200 . well some how my husbands attorney postponed the hearing til aug 10 where we then filed for custody and started digging into childs medical history cause for the last year she had refused to give us anything or even use our medical cause she didn't want us to know. well low and behold she was not taking care of the poor baby she was 18 months and weighed 13 pds with lots of other things. anyways went to court in oct 10 for final hearing and somehow we got full custody w/ never seeing the child. well she still get visitations and has to pay half of medical (we did not ask for CS cause i wanted her to go away) and both homes had to have a home study. well she tried to play good mom and all but she refused to do the home study cause of the cost (but we know it was cause she lived in a filthy 1 bedroom apt with 4 kids) and she refused to pay medical either. needless to say on may of this year she went in and signed over all her rights and in aug had another baby to replace the paycheck she lost.

It is possible if you truly believe she is in it for the money then yes once she loses the kid in time she will fade away and trust me its a nice life as they go away. it does anger me at times cause she brought this child into this world cause of her greediness and now i am the one raising it. but i believe god has a plan so i try to stay cheerful. I pray everything works out for you just have patients.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

childs medical history cause for the last year she had refused to give us anything or even use our medical cause she didn't want us to know.

THIS sticks out to me like a sore thumb. The cOW in our sitch pitched a HUGE fight to NOT put the OC on MY insurance (I carry the policy for our family because mine is WAY better than my fwh's), the judge denied her request for the child to stay on state aid since our insurance was available...well she somehow figured out how to block BOTH my fwh and I from getting any info, INCLUDING the EOBs!!! The next time they go to court my fwh is going to try and remove the block (the judge is going to be PISSED because he told her that my fwh had every right to see the EOBs before). She withholds everything. I do know the OC goes to the DR because with this new insurance she didn't do the change in time and we did get an EOB here. She didn't want to tell my fwh the name of the OC's PCP, which we needed for the paperwork (whatever I found out anyway), she refused to tell my fwh anything (she said only a "dad" gets to know that info and since my fwh isn't being a "dad", he's not entitled to know anything...BULL), however she is NOW asking--actually was threatening him--for HIS medical history/to fill out a paternal medical history form. #1 my fwh's family doesn't want her to know their business and #2 my fwh doesn't want her to know his. I mean, everyone is healthy anyway so really not much to say. But if it's the form I'm thinking of (we did a form when we were pregnant with my COM), it's VERY invasive and asks a LOT of questions about fwh, his parents, their parents. She won't say WHY she wants this info, told fwh's lawyer that she wants it "just in case she needs it". My fwh told the lawyer to tell the cOW that once she releases the block and tells us what's going on, and WHY (with good reason) the form is needed...AND that he will do the form and submit it to the Dr and ONLY the Dr and other medical staff is to have access (until the OC is old enough to look at it himself)...THEN he will sign the form. Needless to say she got pissed and is still threatening us with court AGAIN. To which we say GOOD.

I have my suspicions, but we are certain something is WRONG with the OC. She was a heavy smoker (pot and cigs) right before she was pregnant and she claims she stopped the CIGS when she was pregnant (but was quiet on the pot). We do know the OC was 4-6 weeks early and so far a little older than 1 needed to go to the eye dr--she was pestering us that she didn't want us to cover the OC on our vision insurance, which I had NO control over when I signed up the family. Again she wanted the OC to stay on state aid so she doesn't have to pay the copays.

I am nervous and scared that something is wrong with the OC that's her fault. But this grand 'ol state actually sides with her and the laws here actually don't give my fwh any access with the insurance (trust me we've been fighting it all year) or the OC's medical records. I told him to file for joint legal; if anything even if we don't get it we can at least find out what is wrong with the OC. But that's additional $$$ we don't want to cough up right now--the cOW already said she would fight it (she doesn't want to lose CS $) and it would be a battle where we would really need the lawyer.

(((all of us)))

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 7:06 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Tired of Feeling
♀ Member
Member # 32207
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW sent my H an email asking if he could watch the OC from 5:00-6:00 one day this week at work. Where they work they have a couple days a month where someone has to stay until 6:00. When she was pestering him about visitation I told him that he could see the OC when it was her day because she didn't want OC around me. Now that this has come up it is starting to making me nervous. He hasn't responded to her yet. I just worry that they will be about the only ones left in the office. I wonder if she would use that time to try to talk to him. Maybe try to get him to feel sorry for her because her brother is in jail for being busted for a meth-lab. I think he had been living with her & has been in jail for a while now so I wonder how she is paying her bills without the extra income. Should I discourage him from doing it? I just don't know what to do because I told him before that he Icould see the OC on OW late days but that was over a year ago. I don't know what to do!

Posts: 221 | Registered: May 2011
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't know what to do because I told him before that he Icould see the OC on OW late days but that was over a year ago. I don't know what to do!

Tired, you have the right to change your mind. Explain to him that you've had a change of mind regarding late days with OC. Tell him that back when all this was new, you allowed it to keep peace because of OW, but now you see things differently. That it's not your place to play peacemaker at the expense of OW's wants and desires. If OW didn't want you around OC she should have thought about it before she hooked up with him, because you come with the package, you're not some outsider.

It's wise of you to be on guard. OW love to be the victim.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very cold, calculated, etc. It made me wonder who this monster is I married. Who does that to people? And to see him so warm and loving to me, he is a great father to our COM...he does things for the community, etc its real hard to know this broken person is inside. I know he's working on that in IC. But its not comforting to know he was so emotionless

Boy Island, our stories are SO similar (or at least in the way our H's behaved and the bat-shit crazy OW's we were "blessed" with)

I keep forgetting to respond. I know some of you had questions about OC's possibly having disabilities due to OW's habits....
Island, what symptoms do you see?

I'm starting to think that H's OC could be autistic just like our youngest. It would make sense since my husband's family has at least 3 kids diagnosed, all boys.
It sucks for OC if it's true because OW is not the kind of mother to meet his needs.


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@IslandWahine--- Please follow your gut My OW did everything in her power even ignoring the court orders for us to not find out about the OC history. Well we pushed and pushed. Actually the only reason we found out was cause she had to provide us with receipts from the day care. Which again she did not want to do but from there is how we got to where we are today. I honestly knew in my gut something was not right and it wasnt she partied and drank the whole pregnancy and the child was born 2-3 weeks early and low apgar scores. This OW i truly beleive see a paycheck not a child. So sad.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
hurt24/7
♀ New Member
Member # 32000
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone, I wanted to thank you ladies for your kind words and always being here. The last time I posted I was struggling with opening an e-mail with my husband's paternity results. It came back that he could not be excluded. So, yeah, he's probably the father. We're both a little bit in denial and with so many other circumstances surrounding this OW it's hard to believe the child she had is my husband's. The child looks nothing like my husband or our child. I'm in counseling now and it's been a hard month. I haven't wanted to do anything, so I apologize for not posting sooner, especially for those that have given me such kind words of support.


BS-ME 31
WS 29
COM DS 18 months old
D-day 08/30/10
2nd D-day 10/27/10 OW is pregnant
1/5/12 - Paternity Test Positive

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Timbuktu
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurt 24/7)) I am so sorry to hear that. We always know it is a possiblity but when it is right in front of your eyes, it is a hard pill to swallow.

Just know that we are here for you if you need our support. Has the OW tried to contact you? I know everything is new and fresh, but you must have a plan on how to deal with this.

Again I am so sorry.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

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