(((WAT))) I agree, I think it wasn't necessarily directed at you. You just keep yourself healthy and safe right now.
What she said! Please, keep yourself healthy and focus on the positive in your life.
That baby in your belly is an absolute blessing. Try not to see it as anything but that <3
IslandWahine, UGH! That situation sounds just unreal.
Can't imagine what the judge is going to say when you point out that "Um, hello? She HAS the checks from us"
I can almost see the judge sitting there shaking his head.
(they must get so tired of these rotten situations...)
Welcome Masks. Sounds like you're dealing with the same kind of crazy the rest of us are dealing with. Sadly.
OC's birthday is approaching and it's causing some serious tension in our relationship and R right now. WH gets really upset with me when I bring OC up and honestly, I can't help it. His birthday has ruined my life.
I have been able to forgive the A, but the OC... not so much.
Not sure if that means we are really in R or not.
I just spend SO much time being pissed off at my WH for doing this to us.
I wanted another child. He didn't. He convinced me to get my tubes tied after our twins were born because he never wanted us to have more babies.
Turns out, he meant hhe didn't want more babies with me.
(I'm being a smart ass. I know he didn't want to have OC with OW, but still... he did nothing to make sure it didn't happen. Stupid ass!)
I have a question for everyone here that is in a situation where there is contact with the OW and OC. (and even those w/o contact,if you have any words of wisdom please feel free to chime in)
Have you been able to trust your spouse to handle things appropriately in this situation? If yes, how did you and him get to that place?
I have to say that my BF and I have really different ways of thinking and often he goes about things in ways that make very little sense to me. and other times he can't understand me. I tell him to be exact and clear with the OW that EVERYTHING he does is for and about his child, so he SAYS this to her, but turns around and allows her to cry on his shoulder and talk about HER personal issues with him!
So his actions don't match his words and he won't listen to me, even though I am also a woman, when I tell him, that when a woman talks to a person (any person, man or woman) on a very regular basis and that person listens and acts as if they are concerned and interested in what is going on in their life that creates an attachment or type of bond. He doesn't seem to get that although at the end of the day no one can control the OW because she is an adult, HIS ACTIONS can play a part in how she acts toward him and our relationship, especially since she is So young!
Can you ladies believe the OW had the NERVE to say she felt disrespected by ME because I called her about the things she was saying about not wanting the OC around me to see WHY and because I wanted to know what direction she wanted our relationship (she and I) to go oh and because I told her that it was not necessary for her to call at anytime after 10pm if it isn't an emergency. And I swear you guys I said all of the above in a very mature/respectful way. There was no yelling or cursing or anything! I don't know but in my opinion it is more disrespectful to call another woman's spouse at 2 am for nothing than it is for someone to call you to have a conversation and get some things straightened out.
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend. And keeping any drama at bay!
:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)
I am literally in some sort of shock. It seems unreal to me, like there's no way this isn't a dream. Which sounds silly coming from me I think... I thought I was to a point that I could deal with this and clearly Im not. I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm so so hurt. I cannot believe he really did this. And hes so damaged that he can't even help me. I feel like I'm breaking up inside, but HE'S in pain, so I guess mine doesn't matter as much.
H is also still deadset against having any involvement with OC. He even said last night that he would love to kill OW. He knows it wouldn't help, but still he wants to. He keeps saying OW is such a piece of shit, waste of space, blah blah blah. True, she's a whore that purposefully got pregnant and is just trash in every single way. But that baby didn't ask for this. And I just do not think I can be married to and respect a man that doesn't even want to financially support his own child. He says the baby is ugly, is not HIS, will never be HIS, doesn't care about the kid.
He says he feels like he is having a breakdown, he doesn't know how to deal with his anger. He's not helping me at ALL but I don't know why I even thought he would. I think about leaving but I'm just not sure. Where would I even go?
What do I do next?
I don't know. I don't know Idon'tfuckingknow.
When did you find out?
You might need to give it time and let it sink in a bit before you do anything "rash"...
I can tell you I have been on every single side of what to do about my WH's OC... from NC, to HATING the child (I feel SO much shame for this!), to wishing OC harm (even more shame ), to wanting custody, to being right back to where I began.. NC. And mostly because of OW.
I, too, fully believe that WH's OW got pregnant on purpose, hoping to steal him or if nothing more, at least get $$$ from him.
My WH is now wishing we could have contact of some sort and it breaks his heart that we can't (too many older kids in our home with opinions that HAVE to matter). I know it's hard for him, but he's dealing.
My WH HATES OW too. It takes a lot for him to talk bad about her, mainly because he hates himself more... so I get what you mean about your WH being broken.
I feel so much empathy for my WH and then it pisses me off that I have to feel bad for him.
Wasn't I the one who got screwed here???
Anyway, hang in there. I have no words of wisdom, other than to say, give it time before you act.
(oh, and follow the custody guidelines that are posted on page 38 of this forum. It gave me some great tips that I hadn't considered otherwise...)
Masks, sadly, it doesn't surprise me that OW talked to you like that. most of them just don't seem to understand that they were just as wrong in all of this as our WHs were... sickening
As for how OW and WH talk.. I don't have a clue. My WH has only seen OW once since D-Day and that was at a court hearing that I wasn't allowed to attend with Welfare officers (OW is collecting Welfare for OC and we have to pay Welfare for OC's care.)
My WH said it was very cold and they didn't say much to one another, although when WH apparently told OW that we might apply for joint custody, she flipped out and the worker had to inform OW that if she hadn't wanted us to be able to do that, she shouldn't have used our last name and gone for support. DUH!
Anyway, I think it sounds like the OW in your case is typical as far as OW go and sounds like your BF is a typical man... falling for her crap.
Maybe you need to tell him NC unless it goes through you if he's going to continue falling for her garbage...
As for me...
Made WH tell me last night what is better about our sex life than what was better about his with her.
I wish like hell I knew what made me ask these things... (and sometimes I wish I was deaf so I couldn't hear his answers.)
Anyway, his answers were "ok", but still made my mind "go there" again...
Wish like hell I was only dealing with the A and not an OC as well.
I feel so much empathy for my WH and then it pisses me off that I have to feel bad for him.
Wasn't I the one who got screwed here???
I totally know that feeling.
I also know and understand the thoughts you said you had about the OC. I too had those kind of thoughts and I felt totally ashamed, but my mind just kept going there.
Its been 2 years and 5 months since D-Day and I still have those kinds of thoughts occassionally. Sometimes I think about the person this entire situation has made me and I wonder if I should remove myself from it, then I think, if I removed myself than I would be missing out on all the wonderful things about WS and our relationship AND I'd still be a different person because there is no going back to the woman I was before this all happened. I'm trying to make the best of everything though.
@WitheringRose- I am sooo sorry to hear about your current situation. I, like Debi, have no words of wisdom or advice, but know that you are in my prayers. I pray that you are able to do what is best for you and your sanity/peace.
@debi- I really don't want to deal with the OW anymore than I have to and I don't want it to seem like I am the bad guy by trying to go back to that arrangement (we started off with the NC unless through me until the paternity results came back). I know that my BF would hate that. When we were doing it that way my BF said he feels like he can't handle his own mess, but it seems that when he is handling his own mess he still isn't handling it! I just want to be able to love him and not go through feelings of betrayal because of anything he does... is that too much to ask for?!?!? We're working on it though. I haven't given up on him and he hasn't given up on me and we're both still working on US so I hope with more time we'll be okay... I think we're on our way, but sometimes I'm afraid to be too positive for fear that I'll end up disappointed
Here's a thought: My BF is into comic books and he told me about a character called Scarlet Witch who could change her reality to anything she wanted, I told him I wish i had that power. Just imagine that!!
Anyway, happy monday everyone please try to have a good week.
[This message edited by Masks at 9:56 AM, September 12th (Monday)]
I told my grandmother and aunt today. I just figured i might as well get it over with. They are both very supportive and said a lot of nice things. The funniest from my grandma... "Well, Rose. Shit happens!" Hahaha. She also told me of an uncle who fathered a child outside of his marriage and wasnt informed until the child was a teenager that he even existed. And despite that, he was ordered to pay a lot of back support. Given this was nearly three decades ago, but still. Found that interesting...
I am feeling stronger today. One day at a time.
[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 9:21 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
You have to focus on you. Try to sleep, eat, take vitamins and hydrate. We often get lost in the shuffle thinking about WSO, OC, OW etc. The handbook in this forum helps, be sure to check that out. You have to decide what you can live with,set boundaries, and WSO has to make his decision if he wants want R. You can only control you and your behavior.
OW and BIL have been married over a year. OW is trying to get a job in COMís preschool classroom. All of those things suck royally but I cannot control them. H and I are staying strong, communicating, trying to maintain boundaries (even though his family has NONE). H is working 2 jobs so we can pay off debt and maybe get a new place away from OW and BIL.
OC will be 2 this year. I care about OC. I canít say I love him like my own, because it is different. I feel sorry for OC, being brought up like this, but I know he is not my responsibility. I have myself, my M and my COM to think about. When H wants to see him, he brings OC to our home. When we have parties etc. for everyone (but COM) they are held at my MILís house. I refuse to change COMís birthday plans. After all, I did nothing wrong. It is very hard to get past worrying what other people will say and think, that people will judge you. My BFF jumped all over me when I told her about OC, how H was awful, how I should cut off all Hís family, not let OW anywhere around us etc, pretty much made me feel all the decisions I made were wrong. I understand she was coming from her own A issues and stepD custody fights, but I know I made the best decision I could for me. I still sometimes get in these cycles of ďwhat must people think, they must think Iím patheticĒ. I canít control what other people think. This is my life and I am doing whatís best for me and COM. I wish things were different but it is what it is.
Please read, post, PM if you need to "talk" private. Just give yourself time to heal. Lots of love to all.
I guess my question is since we are low income are there resources out there that can assist with filing for full physical custody? I am deeply upset by the fact that the child is resistant to going back to his mother after he has had visitation with us. He doesn't act this way when he comes to us for visitation. He is all smiles and ready to go with his father. I feel so bad for the little guy. I am not super excited to be starting over with a toddler, but I feel that in his best interest he should live with us and have more stability and attention in his life.
Are there any suggestions? Also, I guess I am a little apprehensive about getting custody because of the turbulence in my marriage over the last 3 months. For now things are going ok.
Altered, it sucks SO bad when friends are like that. My BFF just yesterday told me she thinks it's time I "moved on". I ended up snapping at her and said I'm glad she thinks I'm ready. UGH
Things have been... tense in the OC department. His 1st birthday is coming up on Oct 8th (my twins turn 5 on the 7th) and I just want to puke when I think about it.
Today, for the first time, I saw what he looks like. One of my friends searched the OW on FB (I have her blocked because she was IN my business). Anyway, she posted a picture of OC for the first time and my friend emailed it to me.
I sat with my un-opened email for about 20 minutes before I could bring myself to look.
I was happy to see that although people told me he looks like my husband, he doesn't. he also looks NOTHING like any of my babies ever did and that's a relief.
Honestly, he looks like he might be fetal alcohol. He hhas a HUGE gap between his eyes that is typical of FAS (I work with a special needs school & have 2 adopted FAS kids).
It's heartbreaking to think he may be special needs because OW is a pig.
I am telling you, if I find out he is FAS...she is going to wish she never messed with me.
This is definitely not the life I ever envisioned for myself, not the life anyone ever thinks will be their lot. At least I have a husband that is so very supportive and eager to get us back on track to being happy again. Although there will be good days and bad days for both of us, I know I also have to find a way to move on despite this huge mess that has been created.
A new chapter begins.... I plan to be smarter, stronger, and better prepared for this one although I know it will be no less difficult for us since we will now be making plans for establishing contact with OC. I hope I can look back on those words someday and feel like I've been sucessful, if not everyday, at least overall. I'm better than this person I have let myself become in response to the destructive choices of others. I'm actually looking forward to MC so I can focus on the things that matter and learn to dismiss those that don't.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 10:37 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]
Hope everyone is doing okay.
I now know that it was not the most ideal time to be unemployed and still dealing with my depression. live and learn.
As far as OC is concerned. we have him about 3 days a week and whenever she decides to take out of town "modeling" work. So far that has been at least an extra 3-4 days per month.
OW provides nothing for the child. when he comes to us it is with just the clothes on his back and they are usually the same clothes he was returned in and especially dirty. a few months back she even went so far as to refuse to give WH the childs car seat saying he needed to buy his own...WTF we bought the one she was using.
Wh has filed for a reduction in child support based on the increased percentage of time that we have him. Hopefully this will give her the push to give us custody of the child. Some people just don't deserve to be parents..
She seems to be parenting only for the money and benefits that she can get for being a "poor single" parent.
Document everything on all visits. The condition of the child, dirty and marks on him etc. Any extra days that you keep him. It is going to be very hard to get custody from her unless 1. she gives up or 2. you can prove she is an infit mother.
Document any instances were the child was left with savory people or alone. Keep receipts for everything that you purchase. The biggest thing with judges is they want to see documentation not heresay, the more concrete proof you have the better.
It can be a long and tedious process. It took me close to 2 years and 9 court dates before I was granted custody and they still did not take her parental rights away even though she was a drug addict!
Hugs and good luck to you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:20 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)]
To this day I have not seen OC's pix. I haven't even seen a full pix of the cOW, just a partial pix. I refuse to look for now, not ready yet. I did have my BFF look for me and she reassured me the kid looks NOTHING like my COM, barely even looks like my fwh, and that's with her really analyzing the pix. All the kids and grandkids have a particular body feature...even my kids have it, and apparently the OC does not. I'm actually relieved to be honest. She said he looks like he may be a distant cousin. The OC is also a different ethnicity than my COM and I guess that made a huge difference too. The cOW also "pimped" the kid out online and my fwh saw those pix, I again haven't looked at those either.
(((Bipolar))) in our statae the Noncustodial parent gets treated like total crap, poor or not and they are expected to fend for themselves, they get no help. That has been our experience and from talking with others. Hoping your state can help with legal aid. Its hard.
Sorry I've been MIA. The cOW finally cashed that check and has disappeared off the radar again. I hope forever, at least for an extended time. Work has been crrrrazy! I don't check in while I'm work because my work laptop isn't that secure.
HUGS to everyone else! I'm typing on my cell so I can't look back at everything as well!
I am trying to learn to separate my views of the OC from my views of the childish sex buddy realtionship my husband engaged in. I feel there is strength in becoming matter of fact with dealing with all of this to the degree possible especially before I must actually meet the OC in person and also the OW to some extent. I have a long way to go since just writing that nauseates me.
I am also relieved that OC doesn't look anything like my daughter but he does look like my husband. That must be expected, I guess.