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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow. Just read through that whole thread.
Sheesh!

Thank you ladies for "defending" me and our sad position.

I find it "funny" how many people are willing to pass judgement on a situation they have never been in...

and can I just add that that one OC is quite bitter. I can't imagine the sit her head has been filled with to make her SO bitter towards the BS, rather than her cheating parents.


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I very rarely post on the other forums regarding the oc situation due to the crap that others like to post. I am a firm believer that if you haven't been there you shouldn't judge. I admire everyone here for the courage it takes to get up everyday and deal with the shit created by our WH and the OW. People fail to realize that we are victims in this along with the COM. I'm still trying to figure out what to do now that the WH went outside of the gameplan and opened Pandora's box. I feel like I am back at square one again


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Debi9kids- I feel for you. If you have the time (which I'm guessing you don't) you can go on my profile and read about the OW's obsession with me and my DD. She went as far as to get a job at the hospital I was set to give birth at and track my daughter's "Online Baby Book" the hospital creates for you and leave disparaging comments on it for all of my friends and family to see. On Mother's Day. On my daughters baby book! (The hospital has since made all baby books private, thank god).

I could have gotten her fired (I had her investigated for accessing my medical records, and they confirmed that they were in fact inappropriately accessed, but would give me no details), but CS would have been even higher, and as it was my FWH was being raped financially.

I totally agree with the poster who said it is a woman's responsibility to not get pregnant. It's not politically correct, and women don't want to hear it, but it's OUR body. If it were men that were able to conceive, we would certainly not be taking the blame for their pregnancies, would we?

Anyway, Debi, I wanted to stand up and applaud when I read your post. You and your husband have made it your life to take care of other people's children when they can't do it themselves, and for them to judge you for the OC situation, grrr.

I know that poster claims to want to help OC's and their cause, but their posts had the opposite effect for me. It made me realize what a bitter, judgmental person we may be dealing with when we do deal with OC in the future, and I have to say that possibility has lessened my desire to have our own OC in my household/family.

[This message edited by Want2help at 3:08 PM, September 4th (Sunday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with the poster who said it is a woman's responsibility to not get pregnant. It's not politically correct, and women don't want to hear it, but it's OUR body.

COMPLETELY agree.
Women have fought for SO long for the whole "my body, my rights" and yet they then turn around with "your money, my wallet"?

It's bull and I don't understand how the legal system works but it seems totally messed up.
It either shouldn't be a woman's right to choose, or it should.
KWIM?
I know damn well that if she had told my husband she could get pregnant, he would've used a condom. (she told him it wasn't possible for her to get pregnant when he told her he didn't have a condom... later when she told him she was pregnant, she described her pregnancy as "a miracle baby" and "our destiny"


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am back at square one again

Renee21 (((hugs)))
It sucks to have it constantly stirred back up.
I know for me, each month I wait to see what she's going to do next... ugh. And each month, it brings me right back to "that place" :(


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The drama gets even better...I found out he also sent the OW a FB message about when she thought he would be able to meet with the OC....and no...he didn't tell me about that either....

Needless to say, the shit hit the fan tonight, along with some FB messages with him and an old school friend's little sister that I felt were inappropriate.....

I went off, or how we say on the site here...bat shit crazy..and I hit him several times...I'm not proud of it...I know it was wrong...I told him he should leave because we are becoming toxic...but he doesn't want to "give up" on us.....

I even had him call one of his group leaders/SA sponsor and tell him about what he did/said to this chick on FB....after talking to his SA sponsor he deleted the FB account.....

I have to get off of this crazy merry go round...I really do..


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((renee21))) I know i'm not big on violence, but I don't blame you at ALL for hitting him. I told my fwh I would run him over with my damn car if he BREATHES in the wrong direction of the opposite sex.

And debi I am going to have to put this down in the all time kick ass quotes of the century...

COMPLETELY agree.
Women have fought for SO long for the whole "my body, my rights" and yet they then turn around with "your money, my wallet"?

You know, our lawyer said she absolutely HATES women who do what the OW is doing, because she said she feels it sets women back YEARS. And I agree. It hurts women who really do get a bum rap and who aren't all about the money, but about making sure their kids are all set. We konw for fact that the OW in our sitch is using the CHILD SUPPORT $ to pay HER bills.

And CREEPY...the OW in our sitch told my fwh that because she was older with no children, she was unable to have children. And his dumbASS fell for it.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Brokenmi
♀ New Member
Member # 31884
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I have not been posting much but I still do read in SI , it is so helpful.
Thanks Repeat for you message, sorry I did not call the OW to come and get him.:)
But I did attempt to break up with him this time when he came home for three weeks. He had a couple of long serious talks, painful talks.
And as I verified he is not ready to give up on the OW, I told him that is enough , I can not be in this double life situation any more, nor it is good for him either.
He showed pain and distress , he said he understand but can not do any thing about it as he needs to look after his child. But he did not say ok I will leave, nor did he pack before he left.
I have been trying to be strong to overcome this break up as hard as it is, as I can see, it is the only way to stop the suffering. I have made plans, selling the house etc that is still going on.. but the night after he left , I receive the email as below.

WS : I cannot sleep! Its just all like a nightmare as I don't know how I could be such a let down to you.. In every way possible, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to make you sad or lie to you, but I did just that so I hv been feeling v sad for a long time actually, deep down at myself but just don't know how to tell you. And now I have this terrible fear that you will be alone forever.. I hv ruined yr life. So I hope u know that I pray for you and us often.
You hv a right to do what's right for yourself but I couldn't accept the fact that we could be apart.. So that's why I couldn't be honest with you. So I tried to come back and be as normal as much as possible, but alas it is not possible.. You get stressed and then you start to stress me which made me eventually dread coming home .. I drifted further and further just to avoid it.
I was disrespectful to you in many ways and for that I am truly sorry! I am sorry that I couldn't be more communicative with you back then. Now on hind side, I wish that I wasnít such a coward and say and do the right things I wanted to tell you! I am sorry for everything :( . Last thing in the world to see you in this way. I wish sometimes I didn't hv the baby but looking at her and how unique and precious she isÖI feel I have to love her and give the best for her. I always wanted you to hv a child.. I wish we did.

How do I process all this? I was extremely sad, depressed, I can not put my thoughts in order. All this happened without realizing, none of us really wanted it but now can not be fixed. On one hand I love him, I want to help him because he is been trapped and is also suffering. But doing that will not help but prolong the agony. I still think the rational solution is for me is to move on from this situation and for him to go with her and his daughter. But this break up is such an agony, so here I am to ask for your help and support.
(((many hugs)))

Me - BW
Him - WH
Both late 40's
OP- 25 years younger
OC 10 months
Married 17 years
No kids
D-day 6/29/09


Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2011
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post here very often anymore, but I do read from time to time and I am very sad to see so many new faces here that are dealing with an OC situation.

Many hugs to all of you. This is a great place to find support.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2010
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

later when she told him she was pregnant, she described her pregnancy as ... "our destiny"

Ugh, OW said this so many times she ended up NAMING OC JUST THAT.

@renee- I am so sorry. I think this is such a big fear for all of us, our spouse going behind our back with the AP in any manner at all. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Well, my DD (who is two) has been asking for her big sister a lot lately (FWH's 18 yr old from his previous M). We had made arrangments for her to come up for 2 weeks this summer, and once a month hereafter, then she went to OW's wedding and spent 5 days with her, and we haven't heard from her since. I looked on Facebook, and found out why- not only is she BFFs with OW all over again, she is back together with her Xboyfriend, who HAPPENS TO BE OW's BROTHER.

FWH is so pissed, but really this is what he gets for introducing stepD to OW during the A (and afterward).

So gross. Hi, I'm OC's 1/2 sister, and her aunt.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, September 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all of the words of reasoning concerning the guilt involved for the BS. I too have wrestled with how to deal with the situation where an innocent OC is involved. I feel terrible for taking so long to get to the point where I can just tell my husband that we should go see his son (He lives 3 states away.) I also feel guilty for not wanting my daughter to know about this situation. She is too young now so maybe someday I'll feel differently when she's older but right now the idea of destroying her views of her parents and the stability of her life is a horrifying thought even if it means she will have another sibling. I wish I could see down the road which route would be the best for her. I know someday she will fall in love and I will find it necessary to warn her of these pitfalls in a marriage. What a horrible thing to feel like you need to teach your children the existence of such a devastating reality. What will she think of me for staying in the situation? I'm not sure I'd want her to if she was facing this during her life.

[This message edited by disrespected666 at 4:26 PM, September 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's his.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((disrespected))) I'm so, so sorry. Cry, throw things, do whatever you need to do right now. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, hoping this virtual one will do. I know the pain, the agony. My heart breaks everytime I see this because one really, really hopes for the opposite.

Make decisions when you are ready. Anything you feel now is...NORMAL. Anger, hate, numb, all the above, none of the above. Most importantly, take care of you and yours. Ignore the OW if she contacts you--you are so raw and sensitive right now. I remember telling my fwh that if the cOW called me at all I would most likely see red. Luckily she knew better.

We are all here to support you, no matter whatever decision you make.

(((disrespected))) Again I'm so terribly sorry.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((disrespected)))


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry disrespected!
I only just found out that WH's OC is his last month and it threw me right back into those crappy feelings I had on D-Day (and when OC was born last October).
It's just...horrible.

I will say, I feel much more "stable" right now, although our R has taken a big hit lately because of my stirred emotions :(

(((hugs)))


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((disrespected))) I know this feeling sucks. All i can say is in time you will figure your emotions out. But for know do what you need to do for yourself. Again i am so sorry i remember finding out the news and i swore that would be what finally killed me.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So apparently after visting with OC this past weekend my SO's mother sat him down for a heart to heart and told him not to bring any more babies 'home' (they dont live together) any time soon by anyone (that means ME since she knows we're still together) and that his energy and focus needs to be on straightening this situation out with OC and making sure it's taken care of before all else since OW doesnt have her ish together.

Yeah his family is going to hate me when they find out I can see it coming. The extra hit to the gut outside of this (his) family being like a second extended family to me for almost three years and knowing that just like that they're willing to disregard our relationship for their son/brother (my SO) and OC their new real family memember.... is that I just lost my own mother in January of this year. (her being sick most of last year is a huge part of the strain that was put on us and how we got here in the first place) And his mom has been so sweet to me ever since calling to check on me making sure i'm ok. Heck I spent more of christmas day last year with his family sitting at their dinner table than with my own who met up at the rehab center that morning and then left after my mom fell asleep needing her rest. So the potential of her now hating me and disregarding our child...and having to deal with that forever if we get married... is almost like losing two moms in the same year.

I dont know if it's preggy hormones that has me extra-sensitive lately or what but I'm really just not having a good day today. Super sad.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
Masks
♀ New Member
Member # 33217
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I am not new to SI, but I have been 100% lurker until I took the steps to just get an account so that I can share in on the conversations. I want to start off my saying I am soooooooooooooo sorry for all of us being in this situation. But I am also sooooooooooooo happy we have other people in our shoes to vent/cry/express our emotions so, because it can be really hard to find understanding from those who have not been through, or are in, this situation.

@WasAlmostThere- I am sorry you are feeling like you are going to lose that relationship with his mother. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose your mom and then turn around and face the possibility of losing the closest thing to you because of a blessing (you baking bun is DEFINITELY a blessing!) I have the unfortunate/fortunate (depending on how you look at it and from what perspective) position of never having a good relationship w/ my BF's mother (we are not married), so I can not exactly relate, but I can definitely empathize.

I would like to think the message your boyfriend's mother was sending to him w/ the "don't bring anymore babies" comment was he needs to be more responsible in respect to yall's relationship. Don't let any of that upset. You say you have told his sister, is she happy for you guys? Cling to the positivity you find and feed off of that, ignore any negativity as much as possible.

@renee21, I find myself in a situation similar to your's, except there was never a no contact agreement. I recently found out that I had been being lied to almost everytime I asked if my BF had heard from his baby monster (that is the term of endearment I have given the mother of his child). As a matter of fact there had been been talking on an almost daily basis for the last year! Now I consider myself a rather understanding, patient person, but this I could not understand. I mean WHY LIE! Anyway, I told him I knew and it had to stop. Now the baby monster and I started off having a cordial enough relationship. At the beginning I was the only line of communication she had w/ my BF, but after the paternity proved the child was his, I told him he can communicate directly with her. After that she went off the deep end and sent some ugly, unnecessary messages to me that I didn't respond to outside of telling her that I didn't have the time or energy to spend on her. She even called and apologized for allowing others to "get in her head" and since then (until about 2 weeks ago) she and I had a working relationship. I could call and ask about the child and when the child was with us she could call me, if she tried calling my bf and he didn't answer or wasn't available she would call me.... she and I talked, albeit rarely, but we talked and the conversations were never nasty. Well one day I heard that she had posted on one of her profiles on a social networking site that she was up at 2 in the morning talking to her "baby daddy" so I asked my bf if he is speaking with her at those hours (he works overnight so it was VERY possible for this to happen and for me to have no idea), he said no. A few days later I asked him if he had mentioned it to her (because her profile was suddenly private) and he said no. Anyway, this is getting long I know... so I'll cut to the chase.

I found out he was lying about talking to her at inappropriate times, he admitted (after I had hard evidence of course) and said he did it because he wanted to keep the peace b/c she had started to say she does not want the child around me so he felt if he allowed her to think he cared for her or listened to her drama she wouldn't try to keep him from his kid and he lied to me b/c he wanted to keep the peace b/t us. So I told him talking to her almost everyday and at anytime after 10pm was not okay and more than likely gave her a sense of connection. Later I called her (in his presence) and discussed why she is telling him that she does not want the child around him, I asked what are her concerns... her reason..... drum roll please..... I'm too controlling and she has a responsibility to keep her child from learning that behavior... lol, smh, that is the best she could come up with! Anyway, now she is saying she will not allow my BF to pick up his child, if he wants to see the child he has to come to their town (we live in the same state but several hours from them) and stay there with the child. I told him I can not support that. I told him he has rights (he pay support and has visitation rights in that order) and if he wants to enforce those rights I can support that but I can not support him allowing her to control him b/c she wants me out of the picture (because that is basically what she is doing).

She had the nerve to tell me I have no role in his relationship with her and just like she doesn't interfere in our relationship, I shouldn't interfere w/ their's... what planet is she living on??? She says Ineed to know my role... , she is truly insane, and this goes to show what he made her feel/think by carrying on with her the way he was.

Anyway, I am happy to FINALLY have set up my profile and look forward to sharing and caring with you guys. Our circumstances are far from ideal, but we are all making the best of it so kudos to you all!


Me:26 Him:28
D Day: 4/19/2009
No children together
Child w/ OW: 21 months
OW: 20

:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)


Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Masks
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome (((Masks))) Sorry you are here, but really this is the best spot for us to learn from each other, get support, and help others in our situations.

What I have learned with these skallywags is that you give them an inch, they ask for a damn mile and a half! Plus gas! They want to have a "reason" or a "role" so bad they will make up stuff, use the OC as leverage/power/etc. It's sad really, because in the long run it hurts the OC.
the cOW in our sitch (oh and I LOOOOVE baby monster...may have to steal that one!) told my fwh if he wanted visitations it would have to be at her home, alone. Yea...not a cold in hell on that one!

(((WAT))) I agree, I think it wasn't necessarily directed at you. You just keep yourself healthy and safe right now.

I have the Dday of the OC's paternity suit coming up near the end of the year. Do you know that although it hasn't even been 1 year since the paternity suit, yet my fwh has over 750 pages of bullshit in our files?!? Gah I'm hoping come next week we get that formal NC/harassment order. So far the cOW hasn't attempted to contact us, but we know that's because she got served already. Haven't received her court response yet, probably get it this weekend. She made all that fuss over the money...her ass still ain't cash that check. WTF?!?

Anyways, everyone keep your head up. This situation sucks, no doubt. When life hands you lemons, squirt them in someone's eyes...


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
mpf00
♀ Member
Member # 24724
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone- I'm a lurker on this thread. I don't have an OC situation (almost thought I did at one point, but luckily that bullet was dodged). I keep up with everyone's stories and catch up on here about once a week. I've noticeded Repeat hasn't posted in a while- has anyone heard from her? Is she ok? I know she had said she was getting a new job that limited her internet use, but I figured she would check in from time to time.

Repeat, if you read this, hope all is well.


me- BW 40 widowed 12/6/12
him- WH 42
kids- 8,10
D-day 11/26/12 when WH was in a bad accident. He never fully regained consciousness and died 12/6/12.
Prior Dday in 2008, different OWs. Probably more I'm not aware of and will never know.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: MA
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