WH had an affair in the early part of 2010, told me it was over and I believed him..turns out we were in false R. He was in Afghanistan in the fall of 2010 and so was OW and they ended up working together, and well...conceived OC in Afghanistan in October.
I'm still in the marriage, but trying to decide what to do. OW & OC live in a different province than us so we don't see the baby at all (he was born 2 weeks ago), just a picture. She emails him all the time, and he doesn't show me, or let me have access to his hotmail account.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my marriage. Part of me wants to leave, and part of me wants to stay as I know that kills her more!
How do you handle the fact that there is an OC? I never thought I would be in this place...I always thought I would leave a man if he cheated, I didn't, and now there's a baby involved.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 9:19 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]
It's late and I just woke up because my daughter is teething, therefore waking me up every couple of hours!
I just wanted everyone to know you have been heard and we will get back to everyone in a few.
Keep your heads up...
((Onyxns)), welcome. I want to say that everyone handles this situation differently. No one way is wrong, it is what you can live with and what works best for your family. It is a hard road no matter which way you decide to go, but it has to be something that you can live with. If staying with your H and trying to repair your marriage is what works, then you must work on that first and make the OC a second priority. If you decide that you just can't live in the situation anymore, there is nothing wrong with that either. But you must be a united front in this situation. He is still putting OW first by not sharing this contact with you. On pg. 38 of this thread I reposted the OC handbook, I suggest that you give it a look, it has some great suggestions on how to handle our stitch. Hugs to you.
((disrespected666)) I am so sorry. Have you reviewed the results yet? I am know that it is painstaking with the waiting, but I say it is best to know what you are dealing with so that you can take action to protect yourself. We are all here for you no matter the outcome.
((joiaban)),welcome. I can see that you are very upset about what you are going through and it is very understandable. But a word of advice, please review the OC Handbook that I reposted on pg. 38. I suggest that you do not fight with OW in writing. I say this because no matter how bad of a mother she may be, she can use this against you to show that she is concerned about you having contact with her child, and maybe even get visitation reduced or reversed. It can backfire. It is unfortunately a long and tedious process. My suggestion document everything, the condition of the child when they come for visitation, keep as much communication with OW in writing as possible, but take the emotion out of it. Treat is as a business deal. In my dealings with OW, I had to act like a business person, she acted a fool and it showed. Believe me it was very hard to do, but I had to remember the ultimate goal and that was getting the children out of their bad living environment. I say this to you because I have custody of all 3 OC and it took me over 1 1/2 years. I had to go to court 9 times and most of the time she did not show up. I had to prove she was an unfit mother. CPS removing them helped alot, but you have to prove that the child is not being taken care of. I realize that you are passionate about this, yes that OC does deserve to have a decent life, but there is a way to go about it so that you can get what you can live with. Maybe consult another lawyer and see what the situation is. Are you in the middle of custody proceedings now? Hugs to you. We are here to lean on and support you as several of us have been thru this and we know emotions run high.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:59 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]
The cOW tried to do the same thing at Christmas time, asking where was OC's present. WTF? She had just gotten all kinds of CS and we are NC (shes a nutjob). She didnt have the nerve to ask for a bday present, good.
We also think she was fishing. Actually my fwh just ignored the text, which only pissed her off more.
(((disrespected))) I remember the waiting, it was awful. The results will bring back a flurry of emotion if its his...be prepared and know its perfectly NORMAL and ok however you feel.
(((onyxns))) you need FULL transparency, period. Although the OW is the mother of the OC, if he wants his family and COM to stay intact, he can't have it both ways. I know here in the states sex between soldiers (especially on a deployment) is a serious no-no and both can actually get in trouble. Is it the same up there? When I talked with my fwh in the very beginning about all this, I told him the ONLY way this woudl work is if he was 115% open, clear, and transparent on everything. For me personally I think this worked because he was repulsed by the OW--there was no relationship/feelings other than a piece of tail early in the morning. I'm so sorry. What is his reasoning why he won't show you the correspondence?
(((joiaban))) Go NC with the OW. This may sound not-so-nice--but in the "grand scheme" of the court system, we don't matter. We (the BS) have zero say in anything, even if we cover the OC on our insurance like I do. Since we don't matter, corresponding with the OW is pointless. Many times these....things don't have a conscience and no matter what we say it doesn't matter to them. In fact many thrive off of the negative attention and drama. It's the one downside to NC--I worry about the poor OC in our sitch because his mother has serious issues, but in our state it's virtually impossible for a father to get full custody, even in the best of situations. Don't give her any ammunition to use against you all. If you don't respond, I guarantee that will drive her batty. Good luck though with trying to get custody or more time with the OC; what I have found is that the courts don't seem to know what to do with these types of cases. It's almost like it needs a whole new set of guidelines!
And BMC is right--that OC handbook is by far the BEST piece of reading! GOOD info to help you make wise decisions whether you are C, NC, or in between.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 5:52 PM, September 16th (Friday)]
They will always play the victim, every chance they get.
Hope everyone is doing well. I emailed an adoption atty here, there is no way we have the $1500 to retain her, but she said if Ow needed it, she could help draw up a petition for the courts.
I found all of the step-parent adoption paperwork online and intend to print it out for OW, but not until my summer term of college is over, I don't need to be stressing during finals week.
FWH got more mail from the CS office this weekend- A REFUND CHECK from OW's CS! Boy, I bet that chapped her hide.
My hopes is that by now, she will be so pissed and hateful towards FWH that she will really want to push the adoption through.
She likes to play the victim and is totally eating up her unemployed single mom gig. Which makes my BFF (who is a single mom who busts her ass off @ work 5 days a week; gets zero CS) batshit livid.
I will be away on vacation for a little over a week but I will check in! Hoping I can enjoy some time away and reconnect with my family. The hatred for the cOW has eaten me up but I'm ready to take my mind back and focus that energy of hatred into love for my family.
We hope to go camping soon, but I obviously won't be checking in. No wifi where we go!
I hope everyone is doing well.
We should all try to take some time out for ourselves this weekend. Even if it is just having a cup of coffee/glass of wine in the bath tub/backyard/whatever by ourselves, let us each try to take at least 5 minutes for ourselves, and relax, and NOT THINK ABOUT OW OR OC. I know it's hard, but I think we all need some practice once in a while.
Whose with me?
OC is w/us this week. Unfortunately, first week of school. Lucky me, I get to fill out the registration paperwork. How awkward is it again this year! OC had DS11's 4th grade teacher last year, now she'll have DS15's 5th grade teacher. Wonder what she thinks of us & our situation. fWH & I have known the teacher for many years & she knows our whole family by name (except OC).
Hope all is well w/you guys.
And yes, I was doing SO well reconnecting with my family, hanging out, relaxing...then fucking cOW texts my fwh asking where the OC's bonus $ is (he has 30 days to pay it, he's still within the 30 days and was going to pay it when we got back because we KNOW she is going to be pissed it's much less--it was a smaller bonus plus my fwh had to change his tax withholdings because we owe taxes every year). I instantly started crying because DAMNIT it NEVER.FUCKING.FAILS. it's EVERY 2-4 weeks with this THING. My fwh sent a message back telling her he will pay when he gets back and to NOT CONTACT HIM unless it's through an attorney. So what does she do?!? TEXTS HIM AGAIN. Saying she better get the documentation she requires and that she is filing court papers to get his paternal medical history, and if he wants to avoid court he needs to have his lawyer set something up with the OC's Dr. And this is AFTER we have told her SEVERAL times NO. She has blocked us from the insurance that I pay for, she won't tell my fwh what is going on. Little does she know that she will have to disclose what is wrong with the OC (and at this point we are certain we know something is wrong) in order to get this paperwork, and even if my fwh is court ordered to do it (which is a possiblity) he is going to request the information be kept from the OW and put in a private record which she has no access to. We know SHE just wants the info to get more into our lives, because if it's what I think it is, it is VERY detailed and in-depth. We did something similiar when I was pg with my son--although I had already known of my fwh's family medical history. I believe the forms ask for his folks names and their medical background history, which they don't want disclosed. So BRING IT is what I'm saying! Because then my fwh can tell the judge how cOW blocked us from the insurance (which he told her before she couldn't do), how she is withholding something is wrong with the OC, and we think she's going to try and claim disability for the OC to get extra $$$.
Told my fwh I don't want her to take up space in our heads while we are enjoying being with family and friends, so drop it.
I hope everyone has a good week! Hoping to see some friends today and tomorrow, and going to see my mom this weekend