The court system really has it in for the non-custodial parent, CS is out of control. It's masked behind "for the benefit of the child" but I think it is all hokum in some cases.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:19 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]
I think some OW out there has written a book called "How to Make a Career of Adultery through childbirth." Or there's a secret website/newsletter that they subscribe to.
I can see paying for COM or OC's needs past 18, especially if the child has no skills or is still in high school, but obligation to college & expenses is a little crazy. When they file financial aid, all of the in-house & other resources comes into play on this. Heck, even after I lived w/fWH for 2-3 years, my mom's income was still considered (and I had not lived under her roof since I left for college).
I guess, starting a college/further education savings fund w/fWH & OW both contributing should be added to the custody/CS agreement up-front, so as to avoid a nasty fight over who foots the bill for OC's education.
If my math isn't off, at 7% interest (isn't that what's on an educational tax exempt educational savings?), if fWH & OW each put $100 monthly since birth, OC could have about $97,000 for college at 18. Well, I'm not sure of the maximum allowed contribution annually though, as I'd have to research that. If fWH started one solely for OC w/out OW's adding to it, any amount not used for OC could transfer to another child in-family (or even the parent) to use for higher education. If COM were younger, you could use any amount OC didn't use for COM's college.
If fWH's income changes due to layoff or having to accept a lesser-paying job, can you go back to state @no cost and have the #s recalculated? There's supposed to be some way in our state to do that, but we're going to speak to fWH's lawyer who drew up original CS/custody paperwork instead, as we don't trust state to look out for fWH's or OC's interests @all concerning legal issues.
I want to say that I *heard* that in this state for children born out of wedlock if the college expenses are worked in initially, support can end at 18--then you have to petition the court and get a new court date. HOW CONVENIENT that the CS office will send the CP a "warning" letter a few months out before the child's bday to "give her ample time and notice" that CS will end, oh and they are more than happy to help them get additional funds, just call blah blah number for details. W.T.F.
So the lawyer sent her response out--it's good I think the cOW forgot that we have dirt on her as well and if she files, then we counterfile. Trying not to let myself worry too much about it. We did request to find out WHY the medical history is needed--is it for treatment? Is the child ill? Because otherwise it's protected and confidential Chances are the cOW is going to file (she has nothing else better to do, no more money so now she has to attack character...of someone who has been staunchy NC), so I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for more bullshit...
And yes Repeat and Dark Inertia, it's some serious bullshit. Repeat--I think you can go thru the courts and petition a modification hearing based on change of circumstance.
My kids have a college fund but it's funded through family and myself. Hoping that by the time the OC gets older, they change the rules.
Does that mean COM could now sue for CS @18, if we refuse/cannot pay college expenses?
Only if you are divorced. That is what is so screwed up. If your parents are married and cannot afford to to support you through college, you are out of luck. If your parents are divorced, you can sue the non-custodial parent, even if you are living on your own, and get NO SUPPORT from the custodial parent.
What pisses me off is that XW did this segment on the news when she was unemployed (2 years ago, she just got a job last year) talking about how all 3 stepDs were having to work and pay rent because she lost her job, and one had to pay her car insurance, one her phone, and one her internet bill (no mention of the $ she was getting from unemployment!).
Well, she has a high paying job now picking up trash on the HWY for the state, and stepD18 still has to work and pay rent! Pisses me off! (Also, XW does not rent, she got power of attorney over FWH's Xstepdad's estate, and when he died, she kept his house... looong story, but she now owns then house FWH and SIL grew up in- it's a total dump).
Anyhow, I got a message back from a lawyer I emailed last night, she said the only way to not disclose any personal info to OW is to go through a lawyer (major $$$) and that we can draw up the petition and get the paperwork for OW and her AP/H (<sorry, I just can't leave out the fact that her new H is an Affair Partner turned husband).
So, last night, I went and downloaded the packet of papers that will need filled out. I am going to try to get a consult with a lawyer and see if I should send them certified mail to OW, along with an email and PO BOX set up just for correspondence regarding the adoption. Just to get the ball rolling, let her know we are SERIOUS.
What do you all think?
Michigan is now working on a law for situations where biological father is not husband...
I haven't posted or read much in here lately, it was too painful for me for awhile. But I wanted to check in and let you all know my divorce was final today. (a little background...FH had an affair which resulted in an OC, I accepted the A, helped him get paternity test and visitation, helped him with the OC for months during visitation then sat by and watched as OW wormed her way back into his life. After OC was born and visitation started there was never complete NC, she was determined to get back into his life and she did. So please let that be a warning to anyone going through this, NC is NC, if not, these ho's will worm their way back into your H's life if there is anything left at all. They started the A again and I filed for D)
I'm doing okay, much better than I thought I would, I'm just relieved to be out of this situation. I gave him what he wanted, which was her and something funny happened, after the excitement of sneaking around was gone, he didn't want to be with her and OC all the time.
Anyway, we are friendly for our COM sake and it will remain that way, unless he marries her, then I will never speak to him or her again lol. I truly hope everyone's situation turns out better than mine did but I can always say that I gave everything I could to this M after he told me about the A and OC and that is important to me.
Best wishes to everyone, thanks for all the good advice over the last year or so, I would never have known how to protect myself, what to watch for, etc if it hadn't been for all of you wise women (and sometimes men) in here :)
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
You are a good woman to have put up with all you did. Your exhusband is not worthy of you. If we can't trust our husbands than what is the point of having them around. Enjoy the freedom of being single again and your dignity.
Many hugs to you and please keep in touch. We will always care about you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:21 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)]
My first reaction was to immediately want a divorce. Now I think that's still what I want but I'm not as sure. I hate to throw away 20 years, but this is A LOT to handle, obviously. The OW is saying she wants to give the baby up for adoption. She already has a child in high school and is in her late 30's. She says she didn't want another baby...guess she should have been a little more careful then.
He is no longer with her and wants us to stay together. She wanted them to get married and thought that's what would automatically happen as a result of the pregnancy. He told her he wasn't interested, although he does want contact with the child. I've given him no promises and told him I will take as long as needed to think this decision through as it is life-changing.
I would be interested in hearing from both perspectives - those of you who have gotten a divorce when an OC was discovered and those who may have stayed together. Thanks.
I'm doing okay so far, these past two days (since signing the D papers) I have felt a new sense of well, freedom, freedom from that situation.
I admire everyone who is staying with their Hs through this situation and I know there are some H who actually do the right thing and stay away from OW and won't fall back into the situation. Our biggest mistake, well his mistake was not getting some help through counseling. He still hasn't and I dont think he ever will. You are right BMC, he is miserable, I see it every time he sees our COM or me, but yet he is still dancing on the end of OWs string, doing everything she says, so there isnt anything i could do or even want to do at this point.
LovesBooks, this is coming from someone who was determined to make it work with FWH, helped him through the Dna test, visitation, helped him do everything he still needed to do with the OC, and still got burnt when he started talking to her again and they started up again. I hope that you will think long and hard about it, as all the lovely women on here will tell you, it's a hard decision to make and there will be so many horrible days, like when OC is born, when he sees OC, when you see him and OW together if she does keep OC (sometimes they will say that to get a reaction out of your H but don't mean it, OW use so many tricks to see what they can do to you and your marriage etc) Even his lawyer told him straight out several times (after dealing with OW in court) OW is going to do anything she can to break up your marriage, it will come down to a choice between your W and OC but he fell back into it anyway.
Either way, it's going to be hard to deal with this situation on a daily basis. I couldnt see ever not being married to my H but now I can and have taken the steps to get out of the situation. Good luck to you.
Thank you disrespected. I appreciate your kind words. That's what I'm trying to do now, get my self respect and dignity back. There are many things I regret in the past year and a half but i will never regret giving everything I had to make it work. At least one person in that M did the right thing and it was me.
I hope you all dont mind if i do keep posting sometimes, I have missed everyone and think of you all fondly and only hope the best for everyone, regardless of each individual situation.
LovesBooks, I wish I could give you advice but I can not, I just feel your hurt and wish you courage.
Eyes, I am glad you have found your way; your story is a reassurance that I have to move on or get burnt.
Me - BW
Him - WH
Both late 40's
OP- 25 years younger
OC 8 months
Married 17 years
You are a Rock Star (per your tagline)! I am so glad things have worked out for you in the relationship dept. It is sad that COM have to deal w/OC for the remainder of their lives. They did not choose this sibling...but, how many people get to choose their siblings anyway.
xH is just being a butthead. Don't let it rain on your parade.
i'm so happy in my new life, even only D for a few months. the destruction of my M will stab me occasionally, or ache, for a long time to come...but nothing like the pain that would have come and never left had i tried to stay. and i think i might be on my way to the happiest years of my life...minus the 175lb anvil and it's 18+year long path through OC fatherhood.
as someone receiving (little) CS and seeing the HUGE financial and emotional implications of dealing with OC and OW that you all face...especially the psycho ones...i find myself thinking that these men deserve every bit of ruin and strife they've created. that they should pay for college or at least portions. that they should feel the consequences of 10 minutes of fucking without condoms. i only think the CS stuff is over the top for some of the M's i've seen dissolve for other reasons, or where the BS is non-custodial parent and gets hosed. i guess i still want to "sock it to 'em" - maybe more so because they did it to women like you with such courage and loyalty.
and there is my problem with my thinking, so many catch-22s. it's my care and admiration for all of you. it's SO unfair. none of you should have to face this stuff. i still get angry at the carelessness and callousness of these WSs, remorseful or not.
((((everyone)))) sometimes i want to kick people's asses for you. maybe because i don't feel the need to kick XHs anymore. i'm so sorry for the new folks here. i wish you all more peaceful, blissful days.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I too felt like a 3rd wheel in the on/off EA/PA btwn OW/fWH. I really thought fWH had changed after OC was expected. He 'seemed' to be on the right track. But, having no distinct boundaries & allowing fWH to be OW's friend, really bit me. Until EA/PA#3 was discovered & I made plans for D, fWH did not know what he had to lose. I had to take drastic measures to even get NC from him. Even now, he has weak boundaries & feels he can speak to OW if OC is in-room w/him on OC's cell. My mom's 2nd husband had multiple As (one resulting in OC) & would leave/come back/leave. She never saw any peace from the situation, until she finally put her foot down & told him leave & don't come back, or stay & never see her again. He left & eventually my mom found a nicer man (although he had EA w/his 2nd xW), and is widowed from him. Your health & wellbeing must come first over any sentiments you may feel for OC. I put OC first, in some cases her needs have been met b4 COM's were....it never really got me anywhere. 3 EA/PAs w/OW spanning across a decade (periods of 3-6 months or more As), have really taken their toll on me. I even paid retainer for D, after D-day#3. I had to stand up for myself & only by some miracle was fWH able to convince me to stay (and some divine intervention). Either you or OW will eventually have to say ENOUGH fencesitting/cake-eating. It is very sad though, that fWH cannot see how OW has manipulated him into whatever's going on w/him. You should call OW when fWH shows up & tell her to come get him!
It's just not fair the way you are being treated. I feel you grief & we are here for you.
I am very glad that you guys have been here to hold me up, while I went through the aftermath of D-day#3 & the new revelations about OC's conception. I could not have made it alone.
it's been a bit since my first post i've been checking in periodically but really just been focused on reconciling with my SO and it's been going pretty well. we've really been relying heavily on our friendship to get us through. it hasn't been easy, the conversations we've had to have and the mini blowups and triggers have had us sitting down to heavy talks at least once a week but i'm finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
however, the OC isn't here yet. she's due 8/29 and i'm pretty sure i'm not nearly as prepared for the pain of the day as i think i am...well i know i'm not i'm just praying to get past it to the other side. the thought of him in that room with her during such an intimate moment makes me want to vomit. i've spoken with the OW via fb and lawd knows she isn't the brightest crayon in the box. we're both starting to believe this really had nothing to do with wanting my SO or breaking us up or anything she just wanted another kid/check for something to do since she has no real life. either that or she's just seemingly accepting that this isn't going to go in the direction she wanted and is trying to make the best of it.
things have been relatively calm and under control but of course my fear is that all that will change once the child is born. i feel like i'm on a countdown to who knows what and it sucks because i'd gotten so used to my relationship and SO being the one reliable thing in my life lately.
i have to say i can NOT imagine how i'd be handling things if this were my husband, i still very much feel the difference between being here as a girlfriend and being here as a wife. for the most part this is just me/us getting adjusted to and creating a new dream, a new starting point on a more honest and open and stronger foundation. not really the same as being mid-dream, mid-marriage, mid-family and having it all shattered. i really think us not having any real ties to each other accept for a love we want to repair, helps in some odd way.
anyway i could ramble on forever but i wont. just wanted to check in send some love and ask for some in return. i feel like the worse may be yet to come for us.
It is being reduced despite the fact that OW is losing her shift differential at work, and therefore $2 an hour. Also, it gave her ACTUAL hourly salary, which is $1 less than she had been claiming previously during CS calculations, I am wondering if she had a pay reduction or if she was just plain lying.
Anyhow, I think we are going to go rent a second PO Box this weekend just for correspondence with OW about adoption, and mailing her the paperwork she needs to fill out to get the adoption started. I found it online on our DHS website really easily, and it's not too complicated, even for someone like OW (who seems borderline illiterate). At the very least, it will call her bluff on wanting her new AP/husband to adopt OC, if not get the ball rolling on actually doing it.
Also, OW is claiming that 32 hrs a week is "full time" for a CNA at a hospital, does anyone know if that is true or not? I think she is making a stink about it because when the previous CS amount was calculated, FWH was only working 30 hrs a wk because of the economy, so they calculated his income at 30 hrs a wk. OW was only working 24-32 hours a wk, and when asked the reason she said "Because I want to." So her income was calculated at 40 hrs a week.
Now she claims that 32 hrs a wk IS FULL TIME. Just wondering if anyone knows if this is true or not.
Anyhow, I hope everyone is doing well.
[This message edited by Want2help at 11:03 PM, July 28th (Thursday)]