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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1survivor,
I'm so glad OC is safe now. I know things won't be exactly the same as-if OC were biologically yours & the pain will change over time, but we are still here for you.

EYES,
I'm so sorry. What you are experiencing is my biggest fear about R.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((survivor)))that poor child. Augh I hope that the cOW in our case isn't abusing the OC...although I doubt it because that's her mealticket. No way is she jeopordizing that!

So I posted in general also; war is on in 25 days. I will be going to the court with my fwh, and our NEW lawyer!!! She's like a shiny new car! Costs almost as much as one (well, not that bad LOL). She is NO BULLSHIT. I think he is going to pay the retainer tomorrow, and hopefully I get to meet her next week. I am hesitant to give fwh's hand away here online so I won't, but let's just say he is asking for reimbursement of the fees AND a whole.lot.more. We just want cOW to GET IT, and QUIT this damn mess!!!

My fwh is concerned that cOW will lie to try and break up the united front. I did ask him if he has been 100% honest with me and he said yes. He said he knows the only way R will work is if he is. He's afraid she will walk up bug him at the courthouse with me there. I ASSURED him that I will back off, that I won't make noise, sigh, etc. in the court room. I REFUSE to let cOW get the best of me. Thank GOODNESS I have IC, MC, and my good friend to 2X4 me until then. And y'all. I need to re-develop my super thick skin.

OC's bday, this, and very stressful work...I'm going to need a vacation by July!!!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say I hope everyone has a good, safe, and relaxing weekend! Even though we are all going thru our own personal hell, please don't forget to make time for you and yours. Do something fun, enjoy the nice weather, eat some awesome food.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
hurtbeyond words
♀ New Member
Member # 31772
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was so awful. I found out the promises my WH made after court were bogus. He went behind my back to her house and saw the child and has been calling once a week. You may ask how I found out well... I saw an unfamilar number and called it guess what she changed numbers again( 3x in 1 mos. ) She had all kinds of info. such as my husband having a hickey from her and some other crud that If she was not a compulsive liar I would believe, but perhaps he is telling her this or else she is just causing prob. He also stated he will phone his child ( and has to talk to her becasue he is so young) and with me there he feels wierded out and he cannot promise to not lie when it comes to her becasue he is sick of my DRAMA! What how about I used to be such a sane easy going person and we honestly never fought until she came into the picture now every fight she is the root of it between her calling, telling lies, and playing keep away ultimaum games. I cannot honestly remeber how I used to be or how to get back there so he is right in some aspects and he is to blame for some of it, but I do not want to be this way and I am going to counselling on Tuesday. I wanted him to go but he sees a lot as my problem and guess what I am at teh point that we have seperate accounts and I am banking money either for us ( including him) or us ( me and my children) becasue I am not putting another penny into a house that I could possibly have to turn over to him and the OW becasue I do not want his families home it was to be our dream not nightmare

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2011
Tired of Feeling
♀ Member
Member # 32207
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW had left us alone for months then a couple weeks ago she started talking about changing OC's last name again! I knew she was fishing. Today my H tells me she called him at work asking for money apparently she is behind on daycare. Isn't that what child support is for?

She is the one who after a year of begging for visitation & when she didnt get her way (my H going to her house) she all of the sudden changes her mind and says NC. Now she comes around asking for money! I knew it would happen. I just hoped it wouldn't.
Why won't she just go away?!!


Posts: 221 | Registered: May 2011
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HBW))
I am so sorry. Its a gut wrenching pain when they lie and sneak contact. It makes you feel so little and worthless and unimportant.
I'm coming down the last leg of my almost 12 year relationship. I so wanted to be able to work through this to save my family and my marriage. He has just gotten nasty now. Saying hurtful things. He is so stressed ive never seen him like this. The stupid ass did it to himself. This is the worst pain I've ever been in. I loved this man with all I am.
I don't think I'm a bad person I'm sure none of are so why is this happening to us. Why am I being tested by god.
I'm really trying to function for my kids but its so hard. I want to just end it. I gave him everything. I keep going over and over how I could have stopped this. We used to be so amazing together. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. Now look.
Thanks for listening. This next 3 days is going to be excrutiating. I hate holidays now.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurt))) I'm so sorry. Prior to this A, my fwh was a serial cheater for a few years, and he too would tell me he's being "good", just for me to find out he was up to his old tricks again. I know that feeling ooooooh too well. It hurts like a knife. A DULL knife. And the NERVE to say sick of YOUR drama?!?!? Totally deflection, blameshifting, cowardly crap. Don't let him blame YOU...you didn't force him to go out and create this whole situation! I'm so sorry he is being an ASS.

(((Tired))) the cOW in our sitch had the nerve to put in the last court document that she didn't have enough money to get to 2 job interviews, and that's why she's still not working. Wtf?!? She gets over $1300 a month in CS for the OC! She is on assistance! We were like WHAT is she spending this $ on that she doesn't have $20 to get some gas for a couple of job interviews?! Ohhh but she has enough $$$ to drive to the courthouse to file some more bull...sorry didn't mean to get all off like that. Does the OC in your sitch have her last name now? Luckily for us the cOW in our sitch had no desire the change the OC's name. Fine with me. Tell her to learn to manage her $$$ better, get assistance with daycare, etc. Unless it is in the court order, your H isn't obligated to cover it (unless he wants to as a gift/etc.). Augh.

(((trying))) I'm so sorry. If at all possible, please try and take control of the weekend. Can you go to a friend's house? Family? Take your COM somewhere nice/fun? Leave his ass at home, let him wallow in his own self pity.

NONE of us could've stopped this. This is NOT any of OUR faults. The only "fault" we had was love our spouses and give them all we could. THEY took that, spit on it and in our faces, and tossed it all to the 4 winds. They are the broken ones (we are now broken down by their actions...but we are still GOOD people). THEY are the ones that did the wrong, caused the hurt, the pain, the sadness. Don't own THEIR pain. That's what I have been trying to let go of.

I know how hard it is to function for the kids. I remember after we found out paternity--my daughter was less than 10 days old--and my mother was flying in the next day. I could barely see, eat, breathe. My fwh was on paternity leave with me and I wanted him OUT. Had to put on a fake front for my mom. It's hard. Some days I want to stay in the bed all day and cry. It really wasn't until last week when I had surgery that I said FUMP this...life is too short ladies and gentlemen. Look at your beautiful COM, if you don't have COM look at the potential future of your life, and take charge of it. Don't lose another day of their lives (or your life). I REGRET the fact that I didn't/couldn't enjoy my maternity with my daughter--that's time I will never get back.

I respect ALL of you folks here. Whether you stay, go, think about it...C, NC, etc...you are ALL so strong, so amazing, and so GOOD.

Please have a safe weekend. Try to do something you haven't done in awhile--hiking, swimming, something ANYTHING to take as much of your mind off of this as possible.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, reading all of these stories and seeing so many of you ladies in pain is just awful. When I read what you are going through (especially those in the wondering during the pregnancy/waiting on paternity phase of this mess) it is like a terrible trip back in time. I really wish we could all be sitting around a table discussing this over glasses of wine, giving hugs when needed.

(((hurt)))

(((tired)))

(((trying)))

Hugs to all of you.

As for me, I decided to do some snooping tonight on a "hunch". I had read a year ago, when OW first met her new babydaddy that they would get married this summer, and have a big "Red white and blue country wedding" (Yeehaw!!! ). So I googled her name and "wedding" and oops, up pops their wedding site.

Complete with pictures, plans, where the wedding will be held, the wedding party (my youngest stepD, her "other daughter", who "has been her baby" since the A ).

But, I was able to look past all of this, as it mentions OVER AND OVER again that her new baby-daddy will be adopting OC after the wedding!

Now, she has an OC by him (he was engaged to another girl- who was also pregnant- when OW met him and got pregnant) so it goes on and on about how this isn't "just a marriage" but them "becoming a family" because he will be adopting OC.

I told FWH, and he is of course over the moon. He says that if she doesn't have OC adopted legally (OW and this guy already tell everyone that OC is his), then FWH is going to file for full custody of OC, and tell OW that it is unless he adopts OC (off the record, and not written, of course).

I really, really hope it happens. I am kmind of skeptical, as the guy she is marrying is only 20 and already has 2 kids, but I am hopeful. I want our last name unassociated with OW in every way. I want her out of our life for good.

ETA; I watched a documentary today (Freakanomics) and it was talking about names, and whether or not the name you give your child could influence their life. The general consensus was no, but it mentioned that certain names were often "stripper" names, and only given by poor, single mothers low in socio-economic status... well, poor OC's name was mentioned again and again as one of these particular names, and even the butt of a joke in the movie. Poor, poor girl, stupid, stupid OW.

[This message edited by Want2help at 10:51 PM, May 27th (Friday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, she has an OC by him (he was engaged to another girl- who was also pregnant- when OW met him and got pregnant) so it goes on and on about how this isn't "just a marriage" but them "becoming a family" because he will be adopting OC.

Good grief, she's on a roll huh?!?

OMG Want2help...for us that would be a DREAM come true. And I totally plan on telling cOW that when I get the chance. PLEASE find your own man. Fall in love. Have the new man adopt the OC. Live happily ever after, don't call us, we won't call you!!! My fwh however has reassured me that her ugly ass will never find someone to love her that way, she will never give up her CS, so I can quit on wishing. Way to dash a girl's dreams, huh?

(((Want2help))) I hope it works out for you!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Island, we thought the SAME thing, but their relationship began as an A, so they are still in full on "soulmate schmoopies" mode. Plus, although she is only 25, he just turned 20, so yeah, he is her little doormat.

And yes, she is on quite a roll. This is AT LEAST her 3rd married/engaged guy since my FWH. I was privy to some of her private conversations with her ex (her fiance before she met my FWH). After my FWH, she began sleeping with him again (he was engaged/getting married through all of this) and even faked a pregnancy by him. She was sleeping with this X and her new baby-daddy at the same time, according to these messages (she told him "I know you think I'm a whore but I'm not!!! ) and she was professing her undying love for the ex, despite being pregnant by the new baby daddy!!! She gave away all of these details about her and the new baby daddy's relationship (like APs always do, don't they) so I got a lot of info... I did new baby daddy the favor of fwding the email to him, while I had the chance, too.

But, these women have OCs because they think they will keep a man. I hope for all of us in the NC group that this is the route these OW take, even if they do have to give up CS$$$ (new baby daddy is unemployed, so it's not about money with our OW).

I wish I could give you all a hug. Please remember, it gets better.

I so wish we could do a get together, as SI sometimes does. Just us in the club no one wants to be in; OC Thread.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
hurtbeyond words
♀ New Member
Member # 31772
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it ever get easier and Will I ever feel like it is my life and not have to look over my shoulder??? He claims to want to be married one min. and the next he talks to her and he is in a fog and I am a nag? I start counseling on Tuesday by myself becasue he is not going and really does not see why I need to. Perhaps because I do not want to feel the way I do and want to be happy and not feel like his stupid judgement and affair is my whole life

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2011
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBW
I wonder the same thing. Wh apologized for being a raging dick. He sayshe is stressed beyond belief. The whore keeps calling him about Ins for the baby. She wants him to go to hospital and sign papers I told him she wants him to get the bill for the birth. He told her no he was too busy. I said don't give her shit until the courts order it. She keeps asking him is he coming to the hospital he keeps telling her he has to work. I'm not sure if he will go or not. He regrets not being at the hospital when my stepDS was born. So of course that hurts and freaks me out. He says he doesn't really want to leave but he is worried about what's gonna happen when the baby comes. He says this is his problem and I shouldn't have to deal with this. He says he is so sorry for all the pain I am going through because of him. He wishes he could take it all back. I don't think he wants to be a part of the OC's life but feels obligated I'm sure once he see her it will be different. He says that it kills him to be bringing home a baby that's not from me and he is worried about what the pain is gonna be for me.
If only he would have thought about that before. I'm really confused as to what I want or what I want to do. I'm so lost without him but I'm so destroyed right now I'm just not myself anymore
I don't want to always wonder if he's tlking to her or seeing OC behind my back. It doesn't feel like a good way to live.
I asked him do I still need to worry. Is he gonna be friends and then start screwing her again. He said fuck no. I asked him do you even like her? He looked at me and then shook his head and said no not at all. I wonder if that's true? I know he feels so trapped and tricked by her but knows he did this so what can he say?
I just am not sure what to do or how much more of this rollercoaster ride I can take

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 9:33 PM, May 28th (Saturday)]


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, just sometimes. Instead of acting like everything is okay, like OC is mine, like we live in a fairytale...I want to blurt out to strangers or people stupid enough to say "how's your day"....how confused I am sometimes, how hard it is, how OC belongs to fWH's paramour (looked up name of rock group & lo and behold, it is a better description than mistress for OW).

I pickup OC today & I just feel so anxious of a repeat of the last week OC was home. I suspect it won't be as bad because OC & DS11 don't have to go to school daily. But, that also means it's like a neverending weekend with COM & OC being home @each other's throats. I am sending them outdoors, if they keep fighting. 90+ degree weather will sap the juice right out of the best brawler. I might make them rake the yard (if I can even find a rake) or paint a storage shed. fWH had a Dr. appt today & couldn't take OC to a make-up swim lesson that was cancelled due to lightning last week. OW ended up keeping OC last night b/c the lesson, so that's 1 less day of fighting btwn the kids.

Hope everyone had good Memorial Day. My mom took COM Fri-Sun evening. Sat, fWH/I worked on an outdoor project then fWH took me to dinner for belated bday date night. Sunday night, we took COM to drive-in theater, & Monday we worked 4 hours outdoors on a project. We had a big blow-up @local retailer & fWH cussed me, so I wasn't in a very good mood & almost cancelled drive-in plans, but fWH settled down a bit. fWH never cusses me...ever. In the past year, he's done it about 3 times. I don't like it & he just doesn't know how close I am on those days, to just giving up and saying I cannot be M anymore. Small fights are normal, but foul language is uncalled for. fWH deserves every filthy word in the dictionary, but I just don't think that kind of language gets you anywhere & it certainly doesn't emphasize anything in a good way or convincing way.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:49 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Concerned  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When fWH gets paid in 2 wks, he wants to go see his lawyer to get the visitation/CS adjustments made based on what we currently do for visitation & also changing fWH & OW's incomes. Both have changed >15% since CS was calculated, which warrants adjustment anyway.

Hope he doesn't need another retainer for that.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
hurtbeyond words
♀ New Member
Member # 31772
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright first day of caounceling and the therapist makes it sound like my real option is an ultimatum and then divorce. I guess I was hoping on work on this do that and everything will turn out alright. Your husband will tell you of his undying love for you and that the OW was the biggest misatke in his life and as a team we will beat all odds and stay married. Instead she told me about how hard it is and that what I have been through is nothing compared to what is coming. I am going to go cry right now

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2011
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So OW had OC today. Im dying inside and I just don't know what to do. It looks like him and my youngest. It's funny OW is having the best day and today my family is over.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's WH ever got a massage girl/prostitute pregnant? I can just see this happening w/ my sex addict WH...as lots of them don't use protection much of the time.


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
hurtbeyond words
♀ New Member
Member # 31772
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well today starts a month of seperation. He promised he would figure everything out and not sleep with the OW while doing so I do not honestly think he can, but I want answers and deserve them and I alos want a break from the fighting. We never fought until she came into our lives and now we do it alot and it is always about her. I guess I will pray he remebers the good times and in the end wants to work on our marriage but it is his decission and I hope he can see the true her becasue she is nasty behind his back but he may never see that in this month he may not see it for a year but in the end I know her selfishness will run thin and get on his nerves especially when she think her and her child can replace me and my children. He doe snot realize how good he has it and maybe he can appreciate me and if not maybe there is a better guy that wants to not play games

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2011
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TryingtoSmile)))

I'm so sorry. I know the anxiety about birth was killing u. Did fWH go to hospital for birth, or someone just send a pic?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her friend texted him pics @ first since OW's number is blocked. He ended up goin to the hospital late last night. I asked to see them. Broke my heart but I needed to. She won. She got what she wanted. She broke up my family.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
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