this never gets easy, does it, NC or not?
It never gets easy, but the challenges are different over time as OC ages (or fWH's relationship w/OW changes things). Financial struggles don't necessarily go away, but might improve (especially if having to pay for birthing costs or back CS - that fortunately will go away after the debt is paid).
If OP is NC & you are raising OC w/fWS, then maybe the bad times become just a horrible memory that you hope triggers don't bring back up...or that you might be facing more when OC gets old enough to ask questions.
For us, things seemed much easier after years...I think we'd have been okay, if A#3 hadn't happened. I hate to say it, but I was really better off believing a lie about OC's conception being OW-planned & ONS (poor fWH)....instead of knowing it was a plan set into motion by OW&fWH, and that they'd conspired even during A#1 to conceive (not realizing their goal until A#2 & only months after DS11 was born to what I thought was a successful R#1). Do you think I was better off not knowing the truth about OC's conception? It's one of the major things about R#3 that has hurt the most, to hear that fWH was lying about A#1/A#2/OC all along. To lose faith in him all over again. To know that someone chose to hurt me, in order to make someone else happy. That betrayal is far worse than a PA. I just never thought fWH was that type of person...to go out of their way to hurt someone so much. It's something that can never be taken back.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:41 PM, May 10th (Tuesday)]
Island, omg, I so know what you mean about friends, unless they are going through the same thing, it's really hard for them to understand. This is such a difficult situation and normally people who don't have the OC to deal with, don't really know what it is like or what you are going through :(
hurt, please only go through your lawyer on this. We went through seven months of waiting to see if the OC was H's. When she would text, he wouldn't answer and believe me, she tried some stuff to get his attention. That is all she wants, is attention. Our H gave them all the attention they wanted during the A, then when they decide to work it out with us, all that attention is gone and they can't take it. Another thing, please make sure your H doesn't try to be a nice guy. My H made that mistake, he thought this situation would be different, maybe he could be a nice guy and it would all work out, OW would be friendly, he would be friendly, etc. Well that is now coming back to bite him in the ass, starting with her phone call yesterday saying, "so what are you getting me for mother's day? I like jewelry" now, you would think OW would know her place by now since my H chose to stay in our marriage, over a year ago, but noooo, since he was being "nice" during drop offs and pick ups and when she would call to talk about "oc" and try to get him to give her more child support, she must have gone off her meds and lost it yesterday. This woman truly is batshit crazy like on those videos. There's more to this story but that should be enough to emphasize the craziness.
I know that sounds like a really bad thing to have happened but I must say its a good thing because now he dreads talking to her and dreads the pick up and drop offs because what is she going to say next? She is just nuts!
So anyway, the lesson here is that they are all crazy and if you give them an inch, they will try to take a mile. NC is best, go through your lawyer and just stick with it, don't give in to her.
Wantohelp, I truly believe these OW will get what they deserve. I hope the one in your situation does soon, it just doesn't seem like it is soon enough when it does happen :(
wow, i read back over my post and the common theme is nuts and crazy. I truly wish we could put all these OW in a box and let them fight it out lol
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I truly wish we could put all these OW in a box and let them fight it out lol
No, we shouldn't let them anywhere near any other OW w/OC....they'd compare notes & help the others figure out how to screw WS out of even more $$$ (or how to behave more insane & bunnyboiler to run BW off). Many of them seem to have well thoughtout plans & lawyers helping execute them.
I agree....letting fWH & OW be 'friends' to try & smooth out the water for CS etc. does you no good. fWH cannot have OW as friend & you as spouse. It just doesn't work, or at least it didn't work for us & led to EA/PA#3. They have to break that idea that OW is someone that's okay to be around & socialize with...they aren't...they should be like taxes "something that costs you money, you have to deal with annually, but you don't want to bring the tax man home for dinner to make small-talk." As much NC as possible, is my idea of acceptable behavior & boundaries. Texting to me only & hand-written notes passed in OC's backpack are so much easier to deal with, than worrying about what OW might say to fWH, when it's ONLY supposed to be about OC.
I can remember a VAR we had, documenting what OW said in a conversation which was supposed to be about OC (post-A#3 & d-day). She said something like "this is so hard for me" and you could hear a sniffle & tears in the background. OW is seeking KISA & BFF all rolled into one...and she's looking for that marital support she shouldn't be getting from fWH @all. And, others have seen how BS & OW being friends leads to disaster...she's either doing it to continue an A w/fWH, make fun of you for your naive ways, or fishing for more evidence to use to get additional CS.
You can still have relationship w/OC, w/out being friendly @all w/OW.
So my friend sends me a message back, telling me she said this out of concern but I'm sorry this all sounds like an attack. At least that's how I perceived it. Esp since she felt the need to AGAIN tell me I was being obsessive compared to her not be during her time of need. Augh my point went in 1 ear and out the other. So I tried to call her since really this should be discussed in person, not via FB message and no answer. Didn't leave a voicemail. I'm just no longer going to talk to her about the sitch anymore. Simple. I know with my anxiety and OCD I have been obsessing...but her delivery was all wrong. Concern would've been like "I'm concerned for you and the path you are on" vs. "You don't ask about me or my life or my family etc." I have enough shit to worry about, so can't worry about this. I have been doing really well with IC and have been trying to get thru stuff as best as possible, not going to let this bring me down.
And THANK you repeat. Its why I come here daily because you folks understand. I think what upset me too is that she almost seemed to trivialize this mess, when in reality this is just the 2nd worst thing that could happen (only worse is giving me AIDS). I never trivialized any of her heartbreak, what she was going thru, etc. Hell, she's a WW and I didn't judge her and let her vent (yea, that was hard...but my friendship is unconditional).
Ok, here I go still going on lol!
(((Eyes))) I'm so sorry. Its like you can't win?! Your fwh was a nice guy, my fwh was a not so nice guy, and both are dealing with the lunacy of the OW.
(((Repeat))) I don't know how you do it, and yes if this OC was planned (and I know for fact he was not) I would've been even more depressed. Especially after my miscarriage. But you are such a strong woman who I look up to for inspiration and strength--because you show it can be done.
(((Everyone else))) lol I'm typing on my phone and gotta run, I will check back later to finish the shout outs! Thank you again for the uplift!
Tresemme - right before OC's birth, I had to seek IC for severe depression....right around her 1st b-day, I had to get my Dr. to put me on ADs because I got very down again, even though I had thought things were okay. You cannot predict how these trigger dates are going to hit you. I still have a hard time w/OC's b-day @10-years out.
hurtbeyond words - what's his reasoning for you not going? They're holding the results until in-court so they can go ahead & do prelim CS/custody agreement? You OW really has nerve telling you she still wants fWH & 2nd OC! I mean, if you have a history of blowing up, it might be a good idea to stay out of courtroom, incase judge throws you in slammer for disrupting his hearing...or you go off on OW & everyone witnesses you assaulting OW. Once we finally got CS papers started, OW refused to sign/notarize them...so we had to get her served. I was kinda looking forward to seeing how OW would explain OC to a judge...having all those people glaring @her for being OW. I mean, it was obvious OW got preggers right after DS11 was born, due to their birthdates being so close (and those show up on CS calc sheets). I wanted to see if OW felt humiliation similar to mine, when I have to explain to people that COM are both ours, we've never been separated, & fWH had OC w/another woman. And, it never hurts to give OW glaring looks or stare a hole in her back in courthouse.
I know how you feel....some days, to myself I would say "just go" and others I was saying "I don't know if I could live w/out you." I mean, I know I could support myself, but not having fWH in my life seems unbearable sometimes. I kick myself sometimes for not leaving while I was preggers & fWH insisted he be "friends" with OW (after A#1) and that I could not choose his friends. And OW would call our house from payphone when I blocked her & fWH gave her our new #s, when I changed every damn one of them (cells, pager, & home). Just makes me angry @myself for being so stupid to not require NC & make him set better boundaries.
If you have the resources etc., please see IC @least 1x weekly until you feel better. I did & sometimes do have suicidal thoughts...but, I was even too afraid to tell IC that b/c I think they are legally obligated to report someone who's dangerous to themselves or others. If I did not have my COM, I am not sure what I'd have done. They were the only things keeping me from being locked up in a ward somewhere, I think.
The last month of waiting for OC was so much harder than I could've imagined. IC really calmed me down. I just could not function & was on verge of nervous breakdown. I was on autopilot @work & caring for COM's needs, but I wasn't the mother I should've been those months after I found out about OC's impending birth. I hate what fWH put us through....COM's lives should've never involved their mom being so depressed (or having an OC introduced into their lives). I just could not pull myself together alone. I was so blessed to have an IC who wasn't hitting me with 2x4s, but talked me through everything I was experiencing.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:54 AM, May 11th (Wednesday)]
Know that you know what you are dealing with, the focus needs to go on to trying to repair your marriage. This will not happen overnight, nor will it be easier with the attitude that is being displayed by your H right now. Yes, this is a shock, but he knew that was a 50-50 chance, now it time to put his big boy pants on.
You have to work as a united team to keep OW out of your lives. No secret communication between him and her, it needs to clear that you are a part of this equation and if he is to have any contact it includes you. Once there is a legal vistation order in place, that also needs to be worked out.
Stay strong and do not engage OW as much as she may try to provoke you. Anytime things get ovewhelming, please lean on us and you can also PM me. Hugs to you.
((want2)),it is so painful when you have more than your H betray you. Your SD's unfortunately are ungrateful for the relationship that they had with you. You hold up your head, because your are a good mother and one day they find that they may really need you, I would tell them go to OW. So sorry, hope that things work out. Hugs.
((Island)), sorry I got home to late to call you last night. I will be checking up on you. Please go get checked out, you know it could also be stress related. With everything that you have endured recently, the body reacts. Please make sure you are ok.
((Tresemme)) I know what you are going thru. I have to see OC in my home everyday and sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. But you know you can only can control what you can. Hugs to you. Please lean on us.
((tryingtosmile)), I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I didn't have to wait for birth of OC, I found out years later, but I can only imagine the pain and anxiety that you are feeling. Time really does heal all wounds. Have a plan, how is your H helping you to cope with this? Remember that you are a strong woman and you will get thrh this, we are here for you. Hugs.
((repeat)) girl I have hugs for you everyday!
Youngest stepD is texting my FWH to have him tell me "Happy Mother's Day", and that she "loves and really misses me". She has recently "come out of the closet", but only to FWH and I (I had long suspected), as she doesn't feel she can tell her mother's pseudo-Christian side of the family (OW is Catholic, so I'm sure she hasn't told her either).
Anyhow, it seems as though OW has mostly moved on. She still posts pics of OC with "Big Blue (FWH's last name) Eyes", which pisses me off to no end, but makes me LMAO at the same time, as FWH has green eyes. She has another OC, so she has a whole new set of drama to deal with, but she got her way and this time the babydaddy left his BS for sOW.
Anyhow, yeah, I guess I am just in emotional limbo right now. I would love for FWH, stepDs and I (and now DD) to be the family that we were before they decided that OW was more important. They did this show of solidarity to their dad, a "If you won't be in OC's life, then you CAN'T be in our life" thing, then went along with every awful thing OW said about me (fat, whore, slut, ugly, DD wasn't FWH's, etc, etc, etc).
Anyhow, thanks for letting me get it out ladies. I hope that, in addition to realizing that OW was not worth it, I hope they see that they truly were used by her, now that they have seemingly been discarded by her.
oh NO! I always hope when people are awaiting DNA, that OW was just a serial OW & doesn't have a clue who baby-daddy is...and that the results prove OC isn't fWH's. It is a relief to know for sure, but not an easy pill to swallow. We are here for you.
It's great that the CS costs etc. are easier to manage than expected. Some OW are getting so much CS, that fWH's family is struggling.
Please take care of yourself. I think I was in a daze for about 2 wks after the DNA came back. I just so wanted to believe OC wasn't his (and I believed the lie of OC being ONS w/fWH's former mistress, who'd think a baby could be conceived during ONS, right?).
(((want2help))) that is so AWFUL what the SD's did to you. I too would be wary to ever have them back in my life. A serial OW? Augh.
(((tryingtosmile))) you can ALWAYS come here and we are all here for you. I remember the wait. It was excruciating. But as hard as it is, try to focus on something else. I know it's so much easier said than done. Been there, done that. I knew the cOW was due in July, but didn't expect her to have the baby about 4-6 weeks premature. Please reach out to us here if you are feeling that down again. Let us help to try to pick you up.
(((repeat))) thank you! I know the COM need me, and I need them! Which is why I'm biting the bullet (I HATE going to the Dr although she is amazingly nice!) and going to get this checked out. I guess I just can't handle anymore bad news, which is why I was putting it off. But I don't want this to get worse.
(((BMC))) you are amazing, as always!
Things have been relatively quiet around here, for which I am GLAD. However the cOW hasn't cashed that check--she was so "poor" and "destitute" and "couldn't provide OC's basic survival needs"...yet she has a check for over $800 (which the OC is entitled too according to the judge) and won't take it. Too bad we can't take HER to court for withholding $ to the OC for his care/support. Augh. I will post the new letter I have to type up in regards to the new insurance, plus I added the OC to my vision and dental plans. Figured might as well do it all now so I dont have to deal with it later. But I told my fwh that I will NOT be calm this time--I will tell the cOW about herself this time.
Ahhh, this is the first time I'm typing this from my laptop in awhile! I usually have a screaming infant in my other arm while I'm trying to type on my phone!