You know, even if the cOW was reasonable, work-able, etc. we could probably do some C. But as she is now?!? Nooooo way...and it's really too bad.
We are here to support you...even if you lurk & just read up on everyone's different situations. Everyone is supportive & other threads see these issues as black/white (always 2x4s & saying D b/c OC)....when you have a family or have spent most your life w/WS, D isn't always a good option & until someone is faced w/OC, you have a different mental idea of what you'd do if the situation happened (I always thought I'd D & stick-it-2 him for every penny) Well, it didn't happen that way & the emotions of the whole thing threw me a curveball.
Here's the real kicker. We knew OC had the permission slip, but she'd only gotten it Thursday ($$ was due following Tuesday while OW has OC). We figured since OW is OC's payee for the $800/month from fWH's soc.sec. disabilility for minor children of disabled parents, that OW would have plenty of $$$ to pay for OC's trip (only cost <$40). OC said "OW told me that she has no $$$ to pay for trip and she would have to use her own $$$." ????? I'm not getting it. OC insisted on doing alternating weeks w/OW&fWH's homes. OW basically has to provide for OC's needs only 2 weeks every month. AND she has no $$$ to buy a ticket for field trip!!!! She really needs an audit of how OC's $$$ is being spent. From the pamphlet they gave us, OC's $$$ is allowed to be spent on some of shared grocery expenses, OC's education, clothing, personal gifts, insurance (which we pay for so that's no issue) & some upgrades to household that improve OC's quality of life. They ARE NOT allowed to be used to pay mortgage, rent, vehicle payments, or insurances for such etc. UNLESS OCs name is on the deed/title etc. I'm 100% positive OC's name isn't on the deed/financing for their home, insurances, or the title for the car!
We have got to get the custody agreement revised to change the visitation to meet the current situation & have the CS recalculated. AND, we need to contact soc.sec. to request a re-evaluation of OC's payee situation based on new custody/CS arrangement. SS probably won't change the payee, but it needs to be documented anyway that OC only lives w/OW part-time. Could they assign a neutral payee & give OC allowance for her needs at each household (or split the $$$ btwn the homes)?
I am beginning to wonder if OW put OC up to calling, so fWH would offer to give OC the $$$ for field trip. We will still be giving OC $$$ for the giftshop @field trip (since it's our week to have OC), but OW is supposed to use things like that for OC's school needs!
I still wonder if OW is lying about receiving disability & actually filed to get OC's $$$ instead. If OW gets SSD, she gets check plus OC's little sis gets a check...since she hasn't been married to BH#2 that long, she cannot draw $$$ from his pay-ins either. But SSD told us that OC's check was equal to each COM's monthly check. fWH told OC to ask OW why she hadn't set OC up a savings acct yet for the extra $$$ from OC's checks. Yea, like OW has any $$$ left @all. It's my theory that IF OW gets SSD herself, then she is using OC's $$$ for car payment/insurance, + entire household's grocery bill. She is only spending about $20/month on OC's school lunches (as I can track that online through Skyward school thing). If OW has own SSD income, I guess she is just blowing it. She had her credit card debt gone due to filing bankruptcy & they had their cars repossessed a few years ago. The car BH#2 drives is the one they got w/cash after the repos, but OW fussed until they bought her a brand-new Ford Focus not shortly after OC's checks started going to OW as payee. If they are in such dire financial need, WHY did they finance a car. Her interest rates must be sky-high considering she had bankruptcy & repossessions on their credit reports!
Okay, there's my little rant about how OW is using OC's $$$. I'm off my soapbox for a minute.
BTW: we pay all of OC's medical/vision insurance & dental insurance plus I told OW that if OC's allergy clinic expenses (vials cost $$, but shots are no copay involved), that we'd pay all the allergy clinic stuff.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:56 AM, April 29th (Friday)]
Exerpt from SS pamphlet:
How you must use monthly benefits
First, you must make sure the beneficiary’s day-to-day needs for food and shelter are met. Then, the money can be used for any of the beneficiary’s medical and dental care that is not covered by health insurance, and for personal needs, such as clothing and recreation. If there is money left after you pay for the beneficiary’s needs, it must be saved, preferably in an interest-bearing account or U.S. Savings Bonds.
As a general rule, you may not take a fee from the beneficiary’s funds for your services as a representative payee.
How to handle a large payment of past benefits Sometimes benefits take a while to be approved. When this happens, back benefits may be paid all at once, in a large payment. First, you must spend the money on the beneficiary’s current needs such as rent and a security deposit, food or furnishings. After these expenses are paid, you may spend the money to improve the beneficiary’s daily living conditions or for better medical care. It is important that you spend the money wisely. You should keep in mind that the money must be used in the beneficiary’s best interests. If there is money still left over, it must be saved, preferably in U.S. Savings Bonds or an interest-paying bank account, insured under either federal or state law.
Improve daily living conditions After you have provided for the beneficiary’s basic needs, you may spend the money to improve the beneficiary’s daily living conditions or for better medical care. You may decide to use the beneficiary’s funds for major health-related expenses, if they are not covered by the beneficiary’s health insurance. Examples of these expenses are reconstructive dental care, a motorized wheelchair, rehabilitation expenses or insurance premiums.
You could use the money to arrange for the beneficiary to go to school or get special training.
You also could spend some of the money on the beneficiary’s recreational activities, such as movies, concerts or magazine subscriptions.
Special purchases You may want to make some of the following special purchases for the beneficiary.
•A home—You can use funds as a down payment, and you can use some of the money to make payments on a house owned by the beneficiary.
•Home improvements—You can pay for renovations that make the beneficiary’s home safer and more accessible; for example, installing a wheelchair ramp or widening doorways to accommodate a wheelchair.
•Furniture—You can buy furniture for the beneficiary’s personal use, as well as items that may be shared with other members of the household,
such as a television.
•A car—You can use funds as a down payment, and you can use some of the money to make monthly car payments as long as the car is used for and owned by the beneficiary.
If you are not sure whether it is okay to use the money for a specific item, (for example, paying a bill the beneficiary owed before you became payee), contact your local Social Security office before you spend the money.
Note, it doesn't say anything about OW using OC's $$$ to pay for things OWNED by the payee (OW)...only owned by beneficiary (OC). If they had out-right bought OW's car w/OC's $$$ and put car in OC's name, then it would be acceptable to use the $$$ for that, but not otherwise. And OC shouldn't be paying all of their grocery bills or utilities. I surely hope OC's cell bill isn't $600-700/month! School lunches are only $1.75. Wonder if OW will sign up for free/reduced lunches this year? They request every family fill-out the form as it also helps the state determine the Title I (or Title III) funding for our school (we have about 45% of school population on free/reduced lunches).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:25 AM, April 29th (Friday)]
Hearing stories like this on this thread makes me livid. OW sounds like an irresponsible, money grubbing, cake eating, <insert colorful adjective(s) of your choice here>.
So sorry you are having to deal with that.
I'm glad OC has you to look up to as a role model.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:34 AM, April 29th (Friday)]
I once joked w/fWH that he should go back 2 work part-time, as his benefits will be reduced (along w/COM & OC's benefits). Wouldn't it surprise OW if OC's checks were $300-400 less w/out warning???? It would be difficult for fWH to work again (his health continues to deteriorate as he ages)...but I would deal with the reduced income etc., just to spite OW!
Oh, SSD told me that if my income changes (like I'm laid off or have to take less pay at another job), that I might be able to receive a check from fWH's SSD pay also (but it would reduce COM & OC's checks)...our household would still likely get as-much (if not slightly more), but it would reduce OC's check by about $200 (if the dependant family max was split by 4 instead of 3).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:48 AM, April 29th (Friday)]
Hoping to have a nice weekend, its my son's first baseball game this weekend and we are pretty excited! Plus its supposed to be a beautiful weekend too :)
Oh, and I have an appt Monday to talk with my benefits office as we are in open enrollment season :) time to make some changes
Have a nice weekend everyone! Thanks for letting me rattle on and get stuff off my chest, I feel so safe here.
Here's a new low for her.... in court her mother yelled at me, saying i was a fool for being with my H etc, that she would have kicked him out, etc. He is lower than dirt in their eyes, etc. But OW texted him a few nights ago to ask that he take up a collection at work for her mother because they couldn't pay for her father's funeral!! Can you believe that? Of course I just had to say she could use that CS money to help pay for it. Of course he didn't do it. It's unreal the nerve this OW has. That's just the tip of the iceberg lately. She's clearly insane and in my opinion, milking her father's death for all it's worth.
Hurt, please don't feel like a loser. We all come here to vent, and people like me read a lot and post when I just can't take anymore and need some friendly virtual hugs and advice or just some understanding. This is such a difficult thing to cope with, each and every day. I think we all agree that we need to be with people who understand the daily struggle of having OW/OC in our lives, when by all rights we shouldn't have to deal with the OW at all in our recovery from an A.
Also, we heard that too about me not being in the picture, etc. OW's are wackjobs, they will do anything to get your H alone. It's up to him to put a stop to it and stand up to her. We deal with that a lot, unfortunately. OW in our case would do anything to get my H alone, every time we pick up OC or drop him off, she would look at him with her big ugly cow eyes, smiling so big and acting like she worshiped the ground he walked on. Of course the karma bus hit her this last with with the suicide of her father and she's not looking at him with that big smile anymore, she is all crying and sad and believe me, she was not attractive to begin with in the first place so now she's really ugly lol. But having said that, she looks at him like, "take care of this for me." She actually wants him to be there for her during all of this. Hello, you bottom feeder, he's my H not yours. Sorry for rambling on, but like everyone else, I have stories that would make you want to run for the hills but if your H stands up for you and your marriage against OW, then hopefully it will all work out for your family.
Repeat, I would be looking for a job that pays less, just to spite that OW, lol.
I'm sorry if I missed anyone, I do read everyone's posts, I just don't always have time to post back much.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Well my son had fun at his game, he was the typical just turned 4 year old not listening, running the wrong way,playing in the dirt and looking for bugs kid playing tball! Lol it was cute and he was very entertaining! But we were all proud of him and he did hit the ball well! We spent most of the day outside and just enjoyed being a family. I hope we have more positive days like this for the upcoming summer too!
Good for your family! That's one thing we have tried to do, move on and just enjoy life and stop letting that witch affect what goes on anymore. I was the world's worst at letting things get to me when she would do them or say them, etc. We are just going on with our lives and dealing with her on the visitation days. She's got it made right now because he's just a baby, well, about five and a half months. But when he starts talking and saying my name and running to me at pickup, it will be great because she won't be able to take it. So there are some things to look forward to lol.
Anyway, glad to hear things were good today, i hope everyone else had a good day today and will have a better one tomorrow. We are going to the local festival here, if it doesn't rain. I really want to go so I'm hoping it doesn't rain!
For a split second today I felt....good. I totally enjoyed having my family and my fwh today. In fact I wasn't even going to post here, but I talked with my mom today and she was having a tough day...she's very lonely. I think I had previously mentioned that my ex-stepdad left her for her best friend. They were married over 20 years and she thought they would grow old together. She's having a hard time starting over at 52. She was just telling me if I am going to start over, do it now vs. Later. And it just got my mind racing, that's all.
(((Eyes))). And yes I totally feel for these OCs. When they get older, even if we don't say anything or the OW lie to them, they will just do the math and find out on their own. :-( I can just hope they turn out ok.
Had dinner out with fWH/COM after he and DS14 got haircuts. Restaurant wasn't too packed, so that was relaxing.
Weekend was gorgeous...even the Sunday rain didn't come. My mom got COM for part-day for an Earth Day festival & movies/dinner, so fWH and I had the whole day to ourselves. Beside some yardwork & minor housework, we spent the rest of the day watching TV & relaxing. It was nice to have some peace & quiet (even though I miss COM when they're not home).
I am still a little depressed/moody. I am wondering if the antiversary of OC's conception is what is triggering this behavior. Who knows...I just try to behave myself & bite my tongue.
This week is hectic. Swimming lessons Tues for COM, allergy shots for DS11/OC10, formal for DS14 on Friday (pickup tux Thurs) & pickup of OC after day-long field trip Fri night. I really hope the neighborhood where DS14 has the formal is nice. It's on the waterfront in a paddleboat & includes dinner. I think I'm more excited than DS14.
We had a feral cat leave her tiny offspring in the weeds...she was frightened by me. We now have 5 more mouths to feed (fed w/syringe & kitten formula). Well, at least I know fWH is @home, b/c they have to be fed every 2 hours. I would call that a mixed blessing (we didn't really want anymore cats, but it gives fWH a reason to stay home).
I might do a good deed today & go donate blood. The bloodmobile is parked on the same street as my office & I think I can sneak out & spend a few minutes doing that.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:18 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:27 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]
OC told fWH yesterday that when OC goes to the Dr. office for her allergy shots (immunotherapy) 2x weekly, that OW doesn't go inside the bldg. This is a 3 story office building with @least 20-30 separate physicians offices inside. OC has to go on the elevator (or up the stairs) to the 2nd floor alone, slide her login card, get the shot, then make it back down by herself. OC is only 10 years old. Yes, I do believe OW is going to win the award :)
With all the perverts in this world & the crime rates. OW doesn't even think it's dangerous to send OC into a building where she cannot see her once she gets inside the doorway & ride an elevator alone with strangers.
Wanna know WHY OW doesn't go in?
#1 - she doesn't want to have to get OC's 5-yr-old sister out of the car
#2 - she insists on bringing a lapdog to school to pick up OC & lil sis when she only lives 5 minutes from school & 5 minutes from town. She cannot leave the dog in the car, so she must let OC go in alone. What's up w/people insisting on their little lapdogs go everywhere, knowing they aren't even allowed in public buildings? I think BH#2 allowed OW to get the dog thinking it would restrict her ability to run roads, but that certainly hasn't.
Oh well. I have a bit of fear of OC getting raped in the elevator, or kidnapped. There are multiple exits from that office building & OW would not be able to see both sides of bldg @same time. She'd be gone b4 OW even got her butt out of car to go check on her. And, what if OC had a dangerous allergic reaction to the shots & had to be given an epipen or an ambulance called. How scary would that be for OC? Or what if OC witnessed another patient go into similar bad reaction?
Ugh! OW acts like OC is a grown teen or something! She's a naive 10-yr-old who knows much about things she shouldn't, but could still be lured or dragged into dangerous situation. Honestly, I think the Dr. office has a rule that minors must be escorted for the shot clinic anyway! They should tell OC that she cannot get her shots w/out adult present so OW would be obligated to go inside. What is more important, your lapdog having to stay home for 30-60 minutes...or your daughter potentially being kidnapped? It's a no-brainer to me. I suppose it isn't to OW.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:53 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]
Sounds like you are having one heck of a week! I hear you about what you were saying about seeing OW's picture and having it trigger you. I stumbled on OM's picture on the internet yesterday, and it set off all sorts of murderous thoughts... I was able to calm myself pretty quickly, though. It was a good reminder of why I don't look at his stuff on facebook/myspace anymore.
Just know that you have so much more to offer in life than she does! You really do sound like an outstanding wife and mother. Hang in there and keep kicking butt!
How is IC going? You were able to start going right?
I'm okay. Mother's Day is this weekend & I reminded him he needed to spend time w/MIL Sunday. Then, he actually asked WHAT I wanted for Mother's Day? Since D-day#3, fWH has actually recognized my contribution to raising COM/OC...before that, his attitude was "you're not my mother, why should I do something for you?" He even said the other day "you're the mother of my children, so I should do something for you."
I told him that I like the tradition we started of breakfast in bed (french toast) b4 I get ready for church. I also said I'd love another rose bush...one to replace the one that died this winter.
This doesn't quite pertain to OC, but our work announced (after the big newspaper announcement) that our major client lost it's contract & it's questionable as to whether the new contractor will offer us to continue our current contract through Sept2012...or rebid our work...or give to one of their small business partners. You guys say some little prayers for us, that everything works out for the best.
Also, talked to DS14's school today. They might agree to manage all of DS14's electronic classes & DS11 also enroll there next fall. I would be off-the-hook for homeschooling, but that would free-up ALL of fWH's time. The thought of leaving fWH alone all day w/his memory issues scares me too.
I know it's part of being siblings, but OC10 & DS11 fight like cats/dogs & when I call BOTH of them down, DS11 accuses me of taking OC's side...nope, not really, I just want the punching, pinching, shoving, namecalling, & dirty looks to stop! All part of being a parent...don't u just love it!
So I went and met with my HR yesterday to take care of the insurance and also add the OC to my dental and vision plan. Gah...I keep telling myself it is what it is...but its hard to deal! Its hard to look at his totally different name (all of us have the same letter for a first name and obviously the same last name...OC's name is totally oddball from us), his birthdate next to my daughter's (he is 4 months older, so obviously looks "bad"), knowing that the OW gets all this shit free (although I'm trying to convince myself its in the best interest of the OC).
We had MC yesterday too, and that's hard too. Now that some of the financial stuff is getting more stable, I'm thinking and realizing that my fwh has another child by another woman. HE HAS ANOTHER CHILD WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I guess it didn't hit me as hard because I was so focused on $, but now its starting to hit me HARD. So MC was tough, we ended up arguing yesterday and I ended yelling at him when we went to my HR. Yes, I dragged him with me because I wouldn't have been there or needed to go if it wasn't for this damn OW/OC situation. A lot of pent up anger came out. He didn't want to go because he was embarrassed. So. F**king.what. I was even more embarrassed, esp when I was the one who had to explain the sitch to the other insurance rep.
So I have had a rough few days. Hope this week gets better, its only Tuesday...
repeat - I start IC next Friday. Looking forward to it!