I think that since it's been 2 years since EA/PA#3, she thinks the fire's burn out about my anger & I'll just let my guard down again. No way!!! fWH is very sick right now & I just cannot deal w/OW's bullshit when fWH needs me. I think he either has pneumonia or upper respiratory, but won't go to Dr. Running >101 fever this morning & DS14 is @school, so he's not even there to help get things for fWH.
Say some prayers for us....and put in a little prayer that OW will quit her bull & get over fWH and give her own M a fighting chance. I don't know how to break through OW's fog.
sounds like OW is looking for a career that involves very little out-of-home work & fWH (or any other sucker stupid enough to fall for "I cannot get pregnant" line) is just the poor guy having to deal w/her for next 18 yrs. Once OC starts school (if OC isn't physically/mentally disabled in any way), OW will have no excuse in working part-time or something.
Is there any chance OW was stalking fWH, researching his income etc...to find a baby-daddy w/relatively good income, so the CS would be higher...or she wasn't even smart enough to target the best choice of babydaddy? Is/was she hoping fWH would D you & she become a wifestress?
You know, my best friend's xH was having A w/OW who had many OC from multiple mOM. She claimed she was preggers again by friend's xH. If he'd have fallen for it & then actually did get her preggers (stupidly not using protection)...that'd make something like 5 OC from 5 different mOM. Now, that's certainly a serial OW & using OC for career (from what we gather, none of the mOM had visitation so she'd get the max CS when they are NC w/OC). Can u imagine how cruel someone is, to try to destroy so many M & have OC to likely just get income from them? Even though friend & fWH R, it set things in motion for eventual failure of M & it ended in D. Even just the stress of possible OC, was far to much on the M (not to mention OW was a bunnyboiler & stalking both BFF & xH for quite a while at both their businesses & home). I guess my situation could be worse...OW could have some big brass balls & show up @my house to cause issues...since she lives so close.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 6:46 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]
The more and more we learn (because DAMN my fwh for not knowing anything about her....) the more and more we are learning that this was totally planned on her part to get a check and use/abuse the system as much as possible. Oh I'm sure she's already on the prowl looking for a new paycheck...not to mention she has no excuse for being on birth control (before she said she didn't need it since she couldn't have kids, plus couldn't afford it) because she is on state aid, although I am betting she is NOT. Stupid cOW...
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I had points during A#1 & A#3 that I thought fWH was w/OW, but couldn't quite man-up & do something about it. I think the standard 180 would get you started. Maybe you could tell him you know about his sneaking out to meet OW, that he will need to decide what he wants, and that OW isn't allowed around COM (that's the worst part in my opinion). Of course protect yourself....HB is one thing, but being intimate w/someone you know is actively still foggy & having PA could jeopardize your health (unless you choose that and take extra precautions for your safety).
Sounds like OW is a stalker & it's unfortunate that she knows where you live.
I suppose you will have to wait to see if there really is an OC involved & whether fWH leaves you for OW/OC, or stays w/you&COM. If you don't want to wait it out, you always have the option of S & D. He likely won't come out very good, being unemployed & unable to maintain a home for COM. Did you say he was alcoholic? If that's the case & it's documented, you have a better chance of full custody & supervised visitation for COM in the event of D. fWH could be required to pass random drug/alcohol screenings in order to have COM around him.
As for the texting & ILUs....he's absolutely foggy & in active EA/PA w/OW. fWH/OW in our case had EA/PA#3 and were texting/sexting, frequent calls, texting nudes back/forth, OW told me fWH loved her. I'm absolutely sure he said it, but he broke up w/her just the same & went NC & begged me to stay that he'd do whatever it took. In your case, you or he has to do something to break the fog & end the A. You cannot R (only false R) or deal w/OC as a united front, if he's still cheating & thinks she's the cat's meow. He's fence sitting/cake-eating, whatever you want to call it.
We had another OW/fWH on here (w/OC), who was still actively sneaking around & even fWH's family was embracing OW while BW was kinda left hanging. I don't see how you can make any progress @R, if fWH isn't in it at all.
We are here for you...even if you D, you will still have OC issues & COM will have half-sibling (if it's true). We can support you through that also, if it comes to pass.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be. J. K. Rowling
Maybe helping OC grow "to be" something wonderful & special, is our job as BS.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:14 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]
Your wh sounds like a cake eater--and I say this because my fwh was one as well during previous A's. I agree with 180...I wish I had known about it before, couldve saved myself some headache. Sounds like your wh needs to make some decisions, or you will make them for him. Its not easy, but dont let him play on both sides of the fence. We got your back (((lovetotry)))
[This message edited by hurtbeyond words at 7:02 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)]
My situation is a bit different than yours, so I don't know if I can offer advice, but I can offer support.
There are some amazingly strong women on this thread that can offer you legal advice and emotional support. Sorry you had to find yourself here, but you came to the right place.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 6:33 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)]
If you go back to page 3 of this thread I reposted the OC handbook it has some very good suggestions on how to handle this situation. In all honesty this can not work unless you both are a united front against OW. He seems to want to protect her still. My H moved out when I first found out about the A and lived with OW for 3 weeks. He said he wanted to die, it was the worst 3 weeks of his life. He really got to see her for what she was, but it still took him almost 2 years to totally stop protecting her. I told him " either you are my husband or her friend, you don't get both".
All of us are living this situation with different levels of contact, varying between no contact, joint custody, visitation, or for me full custody. You have to do what is right for you, what can you live with, what can your children live with? None of these methods is wrong, your family has to come first. Time to be proactive rather than reactive. If he can not include you in anything that has to do with OC, it is time to really think about what you want.
1 year out really is not a long time, they say it takes 4-5 years to recover from infidelity, and to try to repair your marriage you have to have a remorseful spouse. Please feel free to lean on us if you need extra support and any questions you may have. You can also PM me. You are strong and you will get thru this.
((Loserfer)) good luck with the IC, it can be a bit scary at first but I think you will find that you have a lot of emotions that have not been brought the surface yet. And once you get those out and really talk about them and deal with them, you will find that life does get easier.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:11 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)]
And I did break down and tell my mom tonite. She actually took it quite well. I told her that I made the decision to R, that its my decision and that I own it, and that this entire mess has made me STRONGER than I have ever been. She was pretty pissed (esp at first about NC with the OC, until I explained how vindictive OW has been, then she understood and agreed with me that COM have to be protected), but understood my reasoning for R and actually was quite supportive. Plus I know she has cut back on her drinking (significantly cut back!) And I think that has helped. Now I have to tell fwh I told her. He didn't want her to know. But I was really feeling guilty that she didn't know. And now I feel a huge weight has been lifted. And she heard it from ME.
TO ALL OF YOU:
I have read so many of your stories and my heart goes out to each of you. I pray for you all every night. You are the epitome of strength and grace under fire.
Sending each of you a huge, huge hug tonight! Bless you!!!!!
OMG! You must be in the worst state & county about CS issues. I understand wanting back CS for OC, but they could @least take it out in increments. Is there some reason medically maybe that OW might need the $$$ to care for OC's needs that hasn't been mentioned? Is fWH's lawyer entitled to review all evidence etc. that might've swayed the CS office this way?
I'm glad you were able to tell your mom about this. I was on a gag order from fWH about A#1, so I felt so alone about it. Once D-day#2 & OC's impending birth were disclosed, I called my mom w/in a few days & she came over while fWH was @work. I'd actually even called OW & she then called fWH @work and got him all upset and throwing things all over the place @work off a desk (they kinda made him leave work for the night). It was awkward when fWH came home & my mom was there comforting me.
I just don't know why these things happen to people. Okay, even if someone feels the need to cheat...can't they @least use protection or WHY in the HELL would you choose to conceive OC (like fWH did in our case)?
Anyway...we have OC this week. She's had good & bad days. Fortuantely, our schools have done standardized testing 2 days this week & a game/reading day yesterday. Today is Green Day @school so OC is doing nature trail stuff. It's so much easier when there's no homework involved. fWH & OC have been fighting a lot. I thought DS11 was stubborn, but OC10 outdoes him by a longshot in that department. She just stares @us when we tell her to do things she doesn't want to do or doesn't answer us when she doesn't want to say the answer. She's been so difficult to make get out-of-bed, that fWH has had to take over the wake-up duties most the week for all children. She won't take shower when we say shower time. She won't brush teeth/hair when it's her turn to get ready in mornings. She just stares @us blankly & won't budge.
Honestly, I'm so glad the judge in our case didn't request a review of all CS payments made b4 legal custody/CS agreements were in-place when OC was 7. I think some years, we might've owed OW (when fWH worked a lot of overtime) and some years, she's have owed us. After the first year or so, we quit keeping a log of the time OC spent w/us (big mistake on my part - too busy w/3 kids & fWH working graveyard to worry about those things). I do know that we could get bank proof or copies of every CS payment we made $400/month even if it wasn't through court system & I know many people who'd testify that we had OC 3-4 nights (days) per week until she started school.
I don't know if CS will come out better/worse if it were recalculated now. fWH wanted to change it to alternating weeks (like we are really doing since last fall), but OC's behavior might keep him from doing it. We do need to recalc. though, or fWH might owe CS or something.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:41 AM, April 21st (Thursday)]
I am glad that you finally told you mom. And you are right that is one level of stress that is off of you. I realize that your H could get upset that you told her, but this whole situation is a nightmare and you need as much support as you can get.
I sincerely hope that things can go in a positive direction for your family soon. Hugs to you.
I'm just so sick of this money crap...
I'm so sorry about your financial situation. We had a lot of $$ issues when fWH was hurt, because we were still getting OC every weekend & paying $400/month (per fWH's decision). OW offered to not let him pay, but we only skipped 1 months & 1/2 another month while he was hospitalized (I was only working about 20 hours then also b/c I was @hospital w/him a lot).
Is there anything of fWH's he can sale? Like trade in nice vehicle for VERY used one w/out payments? Any toys he can hock @pawn shop to pay off this debt any quicker? fWH sold his 4-wheeler to pay the lawyer in 2008 to do the custody/CS paperwork. It would've been cheaper, but OW backed out of AGREE custody paperwork & it cost more $$$ to have her served...then stupid OW didn't wanna go to court, so she went to lawyer & signed/notarized them. Why couldn't she have done that sooner? It was for spite...I assure you.
The OW in your case needs to stop this petty stuff. When she's running all over heck & back, visiting courthouse...who's keeping OC? Even in D cases, I don't think I've ever heard of CS issues being so bad! Do you think she sneakily has a court-appointed attorney & he gets paid a % of the CS arrears or bonuses? GOD, I never thought a state could clean out all your accounts for CS purposes when you are making payments!
I know in our state, you now have to put your SSN on your hunting license requests. If you owe CS arrears, they seize the fee & you don't get a hunting license @all. That one likely kills a lot of deadbeat dads here, who refuse to pay CS (not that they don't have the $$$, just refusal to pay). In some states, all CS goes through the system first, in ours...unless it's a garnishment, it can go directly to the parent owed or go through the state, depending on what the custody order states.