I don't see any remote possibility of D in the future. I've gotten so many reassurances from FWW on this. She is one of those rare "instantaneously remorseful" WS's.
Did not even think of the possibility of OM getting CS. The need for legal counsel is obvious. One thing I do have in my favor is that OM doesn't know. During the NC phone call, FWW (Amerasia) told him that we didn't take a DNA test and that we weren't planning on taking one (which was our plan at the time). So I am guessing he would have to sue to get a paternity test done to begin with. The other thing I have in my favor is that I am listed as the father on the birth certificate.
Also, during the NC phone call, Amerasia asked about a family history of health issues, and there are none. (as an aside, when I got the DNA results, I was upset that I could no longer wish a blight of "ass cancer" on OM, because it would be hereditary )
Amerasia and I have talked about whether or not OM or any of his family would want contact with DS or not. We don't think they would ever want to at this stage in his life, but later on if they see his successes in the news, i.e. "DS - Star Quarterback" or "DS - Listed as CEO of Large Corporation" type stuff, that they may want to lurk on him in life.
It's our goal over the next few months to prepare for all of these possibilities.
Thanks for the helpful feedback!
fWH just a few months ago, called up an ex bootycall who might've had his child. This child would be something like 20+ years old. These things can turn up again.
And, it was only a few years ago (when I was in my 20s), that I tried to find my bio father. If someone slips & tells OC that you aren't his father, it could be quite painful. Or what if OM starts stalking your family years from now, trying to find out about OC.
At this point, OM is well w/in his right to secure a lawyer & request paternity testing. What a judge would do with the truth (or if one would order testing), is up to him depending on laws in your state etc & what OM would ask for.
Is there a remote possibility that there are more OM out there also, who OC might belong to?
I hope you had yourself tested & made WW get tested for STDs. You just cannot be too careful about these things.
I've been PM'ing with another SI member, and he has been 2x4'ing me about getting legal consultation. This conversation I'm having with you is making me nervous, so I think I'm going to start lawyer shopping ASAP.
As far as DS finding out he is an OC, we're going to address this issue in counseling, and maybe see if we can get a referral to a child psychologist to help us figure out the best way to handle it. I know he would be devastated, because we have an extremely tight bond.
I can't see any remote possibility that there would be any other OM. DS has some of xOM's physical traits as well. So that kind of cements it.
I haven't been tested yet, but I plan to at my next physical. FWW got the last of her results this week, and she is clean.
Nothing wrong with getting a legal consult, because at least what we are learning is that there are some legalities we weren't prepared for (the health insurance thing is top right now). I am learning with this whole situation that it's better to be as best prepared as possible, vs. caught off-guard. I mean yea you can't plan for every little thing, but it's good to know your rights and how to protect yourself. I have since changed my will so my fwh is no longer my beneficiary--I would've never thought of that had I not talked with a lawyer friend of mine (she does real estate law though!).
Think of it as peace of mind to best be prepared for your family.
I'll be around--hope everyone has a nice weekend!
I don't know if it applies to OM, but there's @least one OW on here who is kickin' butt on CS & extras by being financially unable to afford lawyer (free lawyer through county/state or something).
Have you considered the fact that if something happens to fWW, that OM could possibly request DNA testing & figure out a way to get OC from you? I do feel it would be in your best interest to get legal advice about these things. It would be so sad to have OC taken from you, in a tragedy.
Also, this is something we are in the process of doing. Setting up a last will & testament for us both, so we know exactly where our home etc. would go in the event that one or both of us perish. Currently, if we both pass away by our state laws, my 1/2 of our home/land would be split btwn COM & fWH's 1/2 would be split btwn DS14/DS11/OC10. This would mean that OC's guardian (OW) would be in charge of 1/6th of our home. If only fWH passes away, OC would get 1/8th (even though I still survive). We plan on adding a survivorship clause into our deed ASAP.
All this legal stuff that OC (or possibly OP) could end up being part custodian of, is so scary. I would not have known about much of the legal stuff concerning deeds, except my mother was widowed (thought she'd get husband's 1/2 of two homes)...turned out that his grown children were part owners of their 2 homes, because he did not have a will (or survivorship clause in deeds).
I think in your case, it would be difficult to dispute paternity because WW allowed your name to be put onto the BC, but I don't think it's be impossible to start an uproar (especially if something happened to WW & she had $$$$ or gave OC a large sum of inheritance). OM could be like some OW on here, who want any & every penny they think they can get...even if it hurts OC in the process.
If you are lucky, maybe a lawyer could figure out a legal way to end any claim OM has toward OC (adoption or some other legal means). You might be in a state who says "father on BC is father, no matter what DNA says." I don't know if that's possible. If WW had left father's name blank on BC, it would leave you on even shakier ground, in my opinion.
Still no word as to whether OW signed OC up for swimming lessons or not. But, we never consulted w/her about getting allergy shots for OC (2x weekly for next 6 months & then schedule changes). Maybe she has a little payback lined up for us. The way I look at it, OW hadn't been taking OC to physicians for several years (she was behind on vaccinations & everything). Since I cover her health benefits through my employer & she's fully covered, there's no excuse in OC not having all the medical treatment she needs (or vaccinations she's legally required to have in our county for school enrollment).
Excellent talking points with the attorney.
From what FWW and I have read from our statutes, is that the fact that I was married to her at the time of birth, and the fact that I am listed on the BC (FWW didn't know and was desperately hoping it was me that was the bio dad, from what she told me, and I do believe her) is a big plus in our state. I would have attorney shopped today, but it was a busy, busy Monday.
Thanks again for the advice and good luck to you this week!
[This message edited by LosferWords at 9:59 PM, April 4th (Monday)]
Please don't forget... the attorney you get needs to represent YOU and YOU ALONE. You can consult with your WW later but make sure that if push comes to shove that the attorney's responsibility is to you. I know it feels like you and your WW need to work together, and you do... but you need to protect YOUR legal rights here. Your WW already has rock solid legal rights to OC.
Work has me stressed. What happened to parents nowadays!?? If my teacher had requested my mom come to school, my mom would've beat my behind and not believed a word I said! Nowadays parents don't believe a word the teacher says, and feels their kids should be treated like porcelian dolls. It's only Tuesday and I'm ready to turn in this week...
I start my new job at the end of this week as an adjunct professor for the rest of the semester, covering for a friend. The semester is only another month, so I will be done with this job by then. The pay isn't too bad either. Plus I need to keep my mind busy because I'm just so overwhelmed and pissed with this whole OW/OC crap.
I ended up talking with our school counselor today (she's so sweet, she said she's also here for the teachers too) and broke down and cried. She had sensed something had been wrong with me and came to talk to me about it, but she said she would've never guessed something of this magnitude. She doesn't even know how I am able to function/get thru everything. I told her I have no choice but to get thru all this mess, I'm determined to always be the one who comes out smelling like a rose. Plus my students NEED me, I have to pull my shit together for them.
I broke down and told her how I feel about us being NC. It does bother me a little because as a mother myself, I can't imagine not having at least a bond with your child. But at the same time, after everything we have been thru PLUS the OW being just impossible to deal with, I can totally understand how my fwh can make the decision to go NC. It's almost like a sacrifice he's making to protect us. Not to mention I don't want the OW in our lives anymore than she has tried to be. And I don't trust that woman at all...she's the type that would have CPS on us in an instant, out of spite and revenge. Nevermind that we are law-abiding, good parents. The counselor totally understood and even agreed somewhat with my fwh. In mine/fwh's sitch there's just no winners; my COM are losing out and the OC is as well. I have to think of my COM first, as I know OW is thinking of the OC first (well, at least I hope she is...). I have to learn to let it go...everyone around seems to have but for some reason...it's hard because I SEE firsthand what happens when there is no father involved, or when the mother is a nutcase, or BOTH. But my fwh won't budge on his decision because he sees this as what is best for all involved. And I kinda agree and kinda don't. It's something I've talked in MC and with my IC about and she said that I'm nurturing, love kids, and emotional--that's my personality so that's why this affects me so much. My fwh is not the same as me...he is much more "black and white", to the point, this or that, right or wrong, but still highly protective of hurting us anymore. Fwh said it does hurt him to go NC, he does feel some guilt...but for us, our family, the COM especially, C would be a nightmare dealing with the OW. This OW is a con-artist, manipulative, and a dark, cold, devious human being.
Sorry for rattling! I'm so thankful I can get this off my chest here without fear of judgment or repurcussion. You guys are the only ones I can say any of this to.
Repeat, seriously you are amazing! I hope the OC is getting the medical care she needs, you're right there's no excuse since she is covered.
Ok, gotta go get dinner going.
Good point that you and IslandWahine are making about also having a big focus on MY rights. I was just talking to Amerasia about this. My biggest worry at this point is not dealing with D, because I don't foresee that happening, but what if something were to happen to Amerasia? What kind of rights would I have? I'd be in a scary position. I guess it's a matter of preparing for the unexpected ahead of time.
((IslandWahine)) - Good luck with the new job and all you have going on. I'm glad you were able to confide with the counselor at your school about your struggles. It definitely helps to have someone to talk to and sympathize what you are going through with your OC situation, in conjunction with the normal pressures of plugging along in every day life. Great job hanging in there with everything as well as prioritizing and protecting your own children first.
You're doing so great. I completely understand what you are feeling about NC. I was a fatherless child & it really impacted me. That is most of the reason I allowed OC to come into our lives. fWH had initially said that he would go visit OC by himself weekly, if I didn't agree to have COM around the child. I'm so sure that ILs would've had a fit & hated me more than they do now (or hate me sometimes & sometimes don't). Pretending OC didn't exist, not having her @same school as COM were, not having to go to events for OC....would've made my life easier. But, I'd have always had to cover for fWH when he spent time w/OC....OW would've certainly never M BH#2, if she got to see fWH weekly & I'm sure A#3 would've come much sooner.
You are right in feeling sadness for OC not having fWH in it's life, but all you can do is pray/hope that OW might move on someday & find a really great stepfather for OC or that OC will be well adjusted no matter what. So many people these days (including me) function w/out having a father or mother in their lives (many around our area have deadbeat father & mother and are raised by grandparents or aunts). And, COM do come first in my opinion. In our home, because OC is around so much, I feel like she takes time away from COM that they should've been spending w/fWH or me. I feel sad for them having to share their parents.
There is no right/wrong in OC situations. Every family is going to have struggles w/OC issues, no matter what path is chosen. I am very glad that someone around you noticed your stress & was there to help (for free)....I had a hard time w/the realization that everyone MOVED ON about the OC situation, but the mental anguish over the whole thing lingers for me. Nobody (friends/family) really wanted to keep hearing about it & having a place like SI to come and destress really helps me so much.
THEN last night, everyone except OC had finished homework. She did most of hers easily, but being a smartmouth when I told her answers needed to be fixed. THEN, when she had to read 20min, I told her to read social studies 'cause she had test Friday. She completely blew up. She wanted to read the book for her "book club" at school instead. She's done poorly on 2 open book SS tests & then failed another test that wasn't open-book (so teacher had to give whole class open book & average 2 grades). Both fWH & I agreed that when she had another test on fWH's week, that she would read whatever subject she was testing on for her required 20min reading nightly. She refused. She sat there staring, huffing, etc. fWH threatened to spank her & remove her TV cable for rest of week. Being stubborn, OC wouldn't read. fWH had to spank her (she's >125 lbs) and I removed her TV from her room & cell phone went into my dresser for rest of week. Why does she have to be this way? She spent over 15 minutes refusing to do something, when it only would've taken 20 min to really DO the homework!
Then, when I went into her room to turn her light out (30 min past bedtime), she was crying. I'm not sure if she was just hurt/angry about being spanked or just mad because she couldn't TEXT on her cell. I found a journal she has been writing in on her bed last week when I went in to get her linens off her bed. I read it. Some of it's good (we know things like she has boyfriend & likes another boy) & some of it was bad like she put I HATE MY LIFE! in big bold letters across a whole page. I don't wanna be the wicked stepmom, but we let the kids get away w/so much more than we should...some things just cannot be overlooked.
Thank you everyone for ebing here, I would be so lost without you ALL...
((repeatbs)), bless you honey. I thought my life was hard, but when I think about what you go thru everyday, it just doesn't seem as hard anymore. As far as the OC goes, I am afraid it is only going to get worse. For one as she getting closer to teenage, well the rebellion and other things that come with that are normal, but I fear that the difference in lifestyles between her two homes, may be making her lash out. You have structure and rules in your house, I am sure that the OW let's her do whatever she wants and probably makes her responsible for things that a little girl shouldn't be. After a while those to lifestyles are going to collide and both households will be getting the brunt of it. I don't how you can tackle this one, but this is where I see it going. Hugs to you, you are so strong to go thru all of this.
I posted this is general, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support concerning my situation with Child Protective Services. I met with the worker last Friday and I might mention this is not the same agency that gave me the OC so she had no idea of the back story. I told her everything, showed her all the documentation. I actually had her in tears. She came to my job and I showed her my office, all the pictures of the ALL MY CHILDREN, I wanted her to see that they are my family. All she could keep saying was " You took in the children of your husband's mistress. You have to look at them everyday and see her face. And you love them and take care of them, I don't know anyone who would do that." I told her there was no question for me because my relationship with the OC had nothing to do with OW. She told me that my family had saved them and was giving them a great foundation to be better people when they grow up. She said that she enjoyed meeting me and that she felt that her time had been wasted by recieving the report and with the good relationship that I had with the school, they should have contacted me instead. It felt good to hear her say that. Even 3 years later I sometimes question whether I made the right decision to keep the OC with us. But you know what, I was upset about this at first, but now, it is documented what a good mother I am, so something good did come out of this. I know I did what was right for us.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:57 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)]
Ironically, she didn't refuse me @all last night to read SS as her reading 20mins. I don't think she was completelly opposed to it the previous day, it's just that she enjoys fighting w/people.
Last night, she got caught bumping into DS11 on purpose again. I gave her a speech about bullying again.
You want to hear a really funny thing that OC said OW told her??? You're gonna roll in the floor when u hear it! OC said that she & lil sis have been telling her about things that happen @school. OW told them
When I hear about all the bad things that happen to other kids at school, it makes me want to homeschool both of you.
OMG! She's not an unintelligent woman, or she wouldn't have been a regional mgr. of 3 restaurants & mgr of one of them....but, I cannot see OW doing anything like homeschooling, as it would take away from her running roads, playing games on Facebook, & sleeping all day.
So the cOW called my fwh today. He wouldn't have answered the phone but he didn't recognize the number and he was waiting on a call from the office of civil rights all day today.
She is trying to say that my fwh didn't pay her the bonus money he was court ordered to pay; nevermind that he had TRIED to pay it thru the CS office, courts, her. In a nutshell of the other post, she told him she was filing contempt and that he's going to go to jail!!! WTF! He told me immediately after she called and said he wished he had just let it go to voicemail and didn't talk to her without me around. He is so disgusted by her so I'm not worried about anything like that.
She is such a piece of trash, I can't stand her. I found myself regressing and got mad at him for finding such a nasty piece of hoodrat feces that we are going to have to deal with for a loooong time. I wanted to contact her and go crazy, but I didn't. Got "talked off the building" LOL.
So he sent the check today and she said if she didn't get the additional money she asked for (which was NOT court ordered) then she wasn't going to accept it and file contempt. WHATEVER.
Why oh WHY is this my freaking life?!?
OW in our situation rarely works and I really don't know what her plan is when her kids turn 18. FWH is getting a 2nd job to help with our financial problems and it annoys him to no end that he has 2 jobs and BIL and OW can't manage to get 1 job between the 2 of them. FWH called CS and he shouldn't have to pay more CS with the 2nd job. We plan to just use the 2nd job income to knock down debt, I even set up an acct to get the checks direct deposited so we don't spend the $. Things are so stretched right now (isn't everyone's?) and FWH said that it would be better for him to work than me as COM is very attached to me. FWH also said that the cause of our financial problems is his mistakes. I can't really argue with that. OW said to FWH, "I wouldn't go after you for more CS" She would SO do that if she wasn't living on IL's land and sponging off them. FWH could be working up to 91 hours a week which will be hard for awhile. I will be taking care of COM, doing baths, supper etc alone most evenings and weekends. He will also not get to have OC visitation. It's a huge sacrifice for everyone, but hopefully it won't be forever and we'll make it through.
Sorry you're hear but glad you found us.
BMC - There is a certain part of your last post that has been ringing in my ears throughout the week:
She came to my job and I showed her my office, all the pictures of the ALL MY CHILDREN, I wanted her to see that they are my family. All she could keep saying was " You took in the children of your husband's mistress. You have to look at them everyday and see her face. And you love them and take care of them, I don't know anyone who would do that." I told her there was no question for me because my relationship with the OC had nothing to do with OW.
You are a phenomenal Mom!
Here's why that part of your post hit home with me. I struggle daily with the fact that I feel absolutely NO resentment towards my DS, but at the same time there is a profound sadness that he looks pretty much nothing like me. He looks more and more like OM as he gets older. For seven years I've been looking for features in him that he has gotten from me. I thought his Mom's genetics had pretty much just taken over, but when I'd find a feature in him that looked similar to me, I'd proudly say, "He gets that from me!" A big one with me was the fact that his natural body temperature is about one degree below normal, just like mine. So I would brag, "We share the same body temperature!" Those bragging rights are now gone, but in the grand scheme of things, they are pretty minor, aren't they?
Now my focus is on his non-genetic attributes, like his intelligence, his confidence, his sunny disposition, his interests, his friendliness and thoughtfulness, the list goes on and on and on. He is truly an AMAZING child, and those are things he has gotten through our parenting. I cling to and pride myself in the fact that when he does something behaviorally or personality-wise that reminds me of myself that I can honestly say, "He gets that from me!"
Despite the DNA disparity, I AM his Dad.
On a different note, things are settling down at work for the week, so I will be doing some lawyer shopping today. Thanks to all who have been providing me legal advice.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:50 AM, April 8th (Friday)]
Isn't it funny, how OW wants more $$$ from the bonus & the lawyer will basically laugh his butt off when she says fWH is in contempt, when she's already received the check? I hope you sent it via FedEx, certified mail (signature needed), c/o her lawyer, or by courier. You know she's gonna say "I never got it judge, I can barely take care of OC on the $$$ that fWH gives me for CS, can't you give me more of his bonus checks?" while batting her eyes like a little lost doe.
It bothers me to see OW's face in OC. Fortunately, OC has fWH's eyes, nose, & chin. OC shares many traits w/COM...so that's good, but seeing a mini-OW daily hurts sometimes. She's only 10 & is almost as-tall as me & only about 5 inches shorter than OW (plus weighs about 115-125 lbs)....Once she hits puberty, I am a bit worried that her womanly figure will be like OWs. I fear her voice will be like OWs. DS14 sounds like fWH since he hit puberty.
It's very obvious that you are completely bonded w/him & I hope an attorney can relieve you about some of the legal issues concerning OC or straighten them out or something.
We had a much better night w/OC. fWH broke down & gave her TV back! I could not believe it. I wanted to say "how could you do that, you're giving her mixed messages about discipline." But, I let it be. I sometimes have to step back & just let him deal w/OC. I have enough stress w/out having to fight w/him about OC.
I wish I knew some way to keep COM & OC from fighting, but I'm not supermom & it's probably partly just a sibling thing & partly OC's upbringing @other house & partly because OC10 & DS11 are so close in ages.
On a good note, as long as DS11 passes this year, I'll no longer have ANY children going to school w/OC, so I won't run into OW @all by chance (still have to meet her sometimes). OC will mostly ride bus to/from our home. Think I'll make her ride bus to school next year, especially if I have to take DS11 & DS14 to separate schools. I don't think I could manage 3 schools every morning!