In terms of our family, I'm glad COM know they have a sister, but the long-term impact on joint custody (whether through courts or verbal agreement w/OC) & having OC and all the issues truly had a negative impact on COM's life. Financially, emotionally (having to deal w/sharing their parents w/OC weekly), and in so many other ways. I think our COM would've been much happier if we'd been NC w/OC & OW. But, if I'd demanded NC w/OC, I think our M might not have survived. fWH would've either snuck around w/a 2nd family (much like BMC's fWH) or he'd have D because it would have made us both miserable knowing OC was out there & I was keeping fWH from being w/his child.
WS's have to make choices for themselves as to NC or limited/full contact. BS always have the choice for ourselves to accept what they decide, or to move on w/out them. So hard to decide these things, when you never dreamt you'd end up like this....such a complete disappointment to be put in a situation where you feel like you have to choose things that impact COM, M, & yourself.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:15 PM, January 21st (Friday)]
I know you are hurt and crushed. But this is the time to get into survival mode. Protect yourself and your children. If you go back to page #3 of this thread you will see the OC Handbook that I reposted. It has some very good suggestions on how to handle this situation.
Since she is due in 2 weeks that does not give you much time to decide what you want. And no do not offer to help her when she gets out of the hospital, you are asking for trouble. The OW will make herself your BFF again and use you to the hilt while doing everything in her power to regain that relationship with your H. Everything will be an emergency concerning the baby. Believe me I have seen and been thru it.
Boundaries have to be laid down form the beginning. Nothing should be done without a DNA test. As repeat mentioned, the twins and my H went for 4 years thinking he was the father until I demanded a DNA test and come to find out he wasn't. Now that was not the case concerning their brother, but I was already prepared for the outcome so I dealt with it the best I could and with the support of the wonderful members here. Repeat is dead on about how these decisions affect the COM. My children are older, but the OC situation has affected them in every aspect of their lives. Our duty is to do our best to protect our children.
You are not alone. We have experienced it and we are here for you.
I'm so freaking pissed. This state will add 25% onto the support order to catch up. That would bring it to almost $350 a week! Fwh and I aren't even on talking terms now. He's $5500 "behind", at least. OW is saying almost $7000 behind! Just when I budgeted everything...so fwh is contacting the attorney and the dept of revenue tomorrow. Since she gets food stamps and got state healthcare, we want the arrears to go to pay back the state, that way she doesn't get a fat check. And fwh still has to send away 24% of this bonus he just got. I'm beside myself. We had just made peace with the loss of this $, now this.
We are going to pool our $ together and just pay 1 lump sum, because it will be easier if we do that vs. The constant $ leaving. But definitely tell them tomorrow to apply the $ to pay back whatever services she used (that can be applied) so she can't get a fat check. Sad thing for her this is the last big lump of $ she can get from us. I told fwh its just $, give the whore her severence check and let's just get on with our lives.
I told fwh he needs to file a complaint on how shitty a job this lawyer did.
But I am trying to remind myself this bitch is just getting pennies (albiet a lot of them), but she will never get my pride or my family. Money grubbing skank...
Our situation is very interesting right now. H has been trying not to talk to OW at all when we drop off and pick up, just ignoring her and speaking only when spoken to and when we have to tell her something about OC. So yesterday we go to drop him off and she is all dolled up, makeup like a hooker and her perfume, omg. She says she has one bottle for OC and said if that wasn't enough to let her know because she would be in town. Meaning we could call her and meet her so she could nurse him. I think not because that cuts into our visitation time. So we try our best to make what she gives us last the whole five hours. it doesn't always work. and she knows this, but she is trying to be in control of the situation so she can keep full custody of him.
So anyway, we go to pick him up today and walk into the meeting area (gas station in between our two residences) and she looks at H while holding OC says "No" in an almost teasing voice. Well despite the fact that she doesnt even want me talking to her lol I just had to say "well that's not what the court order says!" took that smile right off of her face haha!
So then she hands OC to H, he has him on his chest and i start saying, "hey OC, are you ready to go to daddy's house?" he was looking at me so of course i was talking to him, plus it was pissing her off. H put him in his car seat and had his hands on each side of the car seat to raise the handle to take him outside into the car. OW leans down to kiss OC and rubs her boobs on H's hands. I didn't see this, he told me about it after we got home and got COM and OC out of the car, he didn't want to tell me in front of COM. I didn't even get pissed, she's so pathetic and she will not do anything like that again. He said he will back away from now on, plus i will be watching her like a hawk. I asked him if that made him want to leave and be with her and raise OC and he was like, omg, no way! I love it that she is just a nothing to us now.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday should be interesting because I have to pick up OC alone, well I'm taking my COM of marriage with me, but H has to work. She's been such a little witch about a lot of things, should be interesting to see what happens lol.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I wouldn't let me husband be there. Some special moments should be shared between a husband and a wife. I agree that the birth is not about the baby but about the mother, and your husband should be showing you the support, not the OW. In addition, she deserves to feel the pain of being left alone during this time and recognize that there is not going to be anything more shared between them than necessary for the healthy upbringing of a child. I'm in the same boat and my husband decided not to be involved in the pregnancy or birth at all. He says besides making sure than the environment is healthy, he wants not part of the next several years either except sending in the support money following the paternity test. I agree that you should demand a paternity test too before any money is exchanged. If he sends in money first, he may get locked into the support payments even if the child turns out not to be his. I'm so grateful to my husband that he reserved being present for a birth only for his COM because I feel the joy at our having our daughter would have been cheapened had he been there for the birth of the OC. I am not yet sure how I am going to deal with the situation when it comes time to start visitations. I don't want him near that sleaze without me and I don't want to see him with someone else's child either. I don't know what I want from all of this. I'm still hoping that the paternity test comes back as not a match and I can look at her and spit. Either way, the world seems far less innocent and hopeful than it did before. I have very few happy feelings any more. I would be like to talk with you more since we are both in the same boat.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 5:39 PM, September 16th (Friday)]
I cannot believe she is still trying to get more $$$! That is awful, that he owes back CS that the lawyer said he didn't owe.
I fixed that one and the prenatal visits by saying, "sure, you can be there for the visits and the delivery, as long as I'm right in there with you, holding your hand, presenting a united front as husband and wife" of course OW said something like she would stab me in the face if i came near her and her baby
You know, I should've demanded I go to visitation's b4 the DNA came back....OW would have been completely steaming & I was much younger & prettier then (and certainly look better than her after just giving birth)! I have always been so timid about things & afraid of confrontation w/OW, maybe in looking back that wasn't the right thing to do. I should've showed up @her work to verity pregnancy (she'd never even seen me before so I could've snuck into the pizza place w/out notice). I should have gone to her apartment when I suspected A#1 (maybe getting my mother to watch DS14 - who was only 2 then). Wish I'd had a support site like SI back when things were all going haywire, maybe I'd have done a 180, left his butt, or kept him from conceiving OC.
I'm a little worried lately. fWH is thinking about letting DS14 go back to private (pretty cheap) school & do dual enrollment as oncampus & offcampus (through another school). I know it's not right, but just the idea of fWH being home alone all day (and free PC to boot) scares me. I found some security in the fact that DS14 is using PC in our bedroom all day (can monitor phone calls) and that he knows when fWH comes/goes. I am so scared of nother A w/OW. After everything, he's probably more sneaky (he was during A#3) and likely would not get caught. OW wants another baby with BH#2, who's to say she might not try & get OC#2 out of fWH for spite. I'm strong though...if it'd happen, I'd be devastated, but I know I could survive w/out fWH if I had to. DS14/DS11 are old enough where I could manage them as a single parent (w/joint custody). I am so scared of what the future holds for our M.
Last week was okay. OC was w/OW & she barely called. OW did insist on speaking to fWH about OC's medical records, even though she's been texting w/me about the situation. fWH doesn't handle anything like that for COM or OC. I suspect OW just wanted to hear fWH's voice (as usual). Wish fWH would send another boundary letter reminding her that she needs to go through me via text or calls, instead of him. Hate that OW has so much free time, now that OC's sister is in-school also. Wish BH#2 would go back to graveyard shift, so he could monitor OW's daily travels & I could monitor fWH's. I guess I'll never feel secure in our M, as long as OW is alive & kickin'. Is praying for OW's untimely demise unChristian? Don't answer that!
EYES: OW putting her boobs on fWH's hand, THAT's so typical of trashy OW trying to keep fWH interested!
After A#3 & the breakup & D-day, OW would doll-up @basketball games to entice fWH. Funny thing is, I lost 35 lbs & started dolling up too. Fight fire w/fire....but, I've always tried to look my best around OW & her family...to show WHY fWH was still M & that it wasn't ONLY for COM, that I'm a good person & can be attractive in my own way.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:35 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)]
This situation that I am having to deal with every sure has made me think about a lot of things in our marriage. Having to see OW every day for ten days is making me realize that H has nothing left for her, thank goodness. He was about to throw up when he told me. He was more scared of my reaction than anything. Another thing is he hadn't told his immediate family about OC because we just found out recently it was his and they live about an hour and a half away plus they dont visit much. Plus he had to confess what happened which was hard for him too. But he had to do it and we are better for it, in the long run. Other than his mom, everyone else is semi ok with it. They were concerned we would break up over it, but as he keeps telling them and I keep telling them, we are closer than we have ever been in our marriage. We have done so much work together and this has pulled us together as a team.
I told H last night that since I have to pick up OC today, I am almost tempted to look at her and say, "are you going to rub your boobs on me too?" just to piss her off lol. But i really need to just keep my cool and get it over with. She really is a pathetic, young, trashy desperate woman who got herself into a situation that she thought she had total control over. This is proving that she does not have control and I'm happy to help point that out to her, in every way i can lol :)
Unfortunately the old lawyer AND the CS social worker called us while we were at the appt and my fwh turned his phone to silent for that (I turn my phone to silent also). Hoping he was able to get ahold of them; he left afterwards to do the insurance paperwork today. I can't WAIT to type up my letter he he he he he. I even made a nice "IslandWahine's Family" email for her to correspond to .
My sister-in-law (well, she's actually my ex-sister in law because she divorced my husband's brother, but I still consider her my favorite sister in law LOL) went on facebook for me to see if she had one. I haven't looked because I know my stomach would turn and I like not having a face to the names to be honest (although I know those days are coming to an end). She has a picture of OC as her profile pic, and she has a different town listed for where she lives. My SIL said that the baby looked healthy and ok in the picture (which does make me feel better), but only barely resembles our COM. But that's because the OW is white and I'm hispanic/black. But she said that aside from the nose and maybe the mouth, he totally looks like someone else's kid. She did remark on how in the picture he is wearing a little bear costume; funny thing I know OW looked thru my pictures before I put my facebook on lockdown; I have a picture of my son in a bear costume. WTF. So, my SIL logged into her boyfriend's account, changed his info, and had him try to add her as a friend so we can see what she is saying, since her page is on lockdown (but not as much as mine). He's very attractive, so hoping she takes the bait! I hate to feel all childish, but there HAS to be something on her we can find...
fwh has an appt tomorrow with yet another attorney...this time a WOMAN. Hopefully she can look over our stuff and help, especially as far as the shared legal custody goes. She came highly recommended, problem is she doesn't offer free consultation, he has to pay $100! But he's going to pay it.
He feels really bad, he wanted to replace our wedding bands and now has to fork over this $$$...but I told him it's just temporary.
(((eyes))) I'm a nursing mom, actually a die-hard La Leche League card carrying lactivist, and there are ways OW can ensure a healthy milk supply. Don't let her play you guys with that! LOL I'm under so much stress but I am taking percautions to make sure my milk supply isn't adversely affected. Plus 5 hours isn't that long. I hope she covers up for you when you go to get OC tonite!
disrespected, I agree, the whole thing is inappropriate. We had OW calling and texting fwh constantly to find out was he a preemie. I'm sure she wanted him there, but no way in heaven or hell was I going to let him within a mile of that damn hospital. Not that he wanted to anyway, he didn't.
(((repeat))) I can understand why you would be concerned, and you are a tough lady so I know you would be ok. Anyway you can put something in to monitor to give you peace of mind?
(((everyone else I forgot)))! They are saying our area is supposed to get hit with a LOT of snow, so I may not be on in the next few days if we lose power.
So it's been quite interesting here today, OW refused to give me OC, has a new lawyer etc. so now we have to go see our lawyer tomorrow to see what we can do. OW also called my H earlier and mentioned that she hadn't had sex with anyone since H. Fishing?? yes lol this was all about not giving us visitation today because OC had his shots. it was a lengthy convo cause she was trying to get him to feel sorry for her. I was getting pissed about it, he said she is just playing into our hands trying to get out of it and he was matter of fact to her. It's good that she did this stupid thing because now he is totally pissed again lol. its crazy here! now we have to wait till he gets off work to go get OC, our five hour visitation is turning into less than three hours by the time he gets off work.
Now what exactly does the court order say about visitation? And has the new lawyer told your H directly that he is telling her to ignore it, or is she saying it? All of this needs to be documented as I am sure the judge will not like their court order being ignored. Did she know in advance that you would be coming to pick up OC and then when you got there she decided not to give him to you? Without a new court order, she is in violation of the one that was made.
See what you attorney says about this. And if you are really concerned about the contact that she is having with you h, see what your lawyer says about a netural 3rd party supervising the exchanges.
As I have said this is a rollercoaster full of mixed emotions no matter which way you go. You will have your bad days and your good days, do you best to stay strong and lean on us for support.
((Island))I am unfortunately not suprised about the back CS. Don't be surprised if they ask for the pre-birth expenses too, I am only saying this so that if it happens, you are already aware. I would seriously consider reporting that first lawyer to the state bar, he really screwed things up seriously. I hope this female lawyer has some big guns and can help you with this. If you guys are going for the joint custody, I would seriously consider a neutral 3rd party for exchanging the child for visitation. I just see her being a total nut. As always we are here for you.
((Repeat)) It is so sad to me that after all this time that you still have to be worrying about if your H having free time on his hands that he will hook up with OW. Your situation breaks my heart because you still not have to be having to have that worry.
i almost feel like i don't belong here and i mostly lurk...because i don't know how you guys do this.
you all have been so wonderful to me. i admire you and also read your stories as my cautionary tale. i'm a strong person, as you all are, but my strengths, i think, are elsewhere.
the oprah revelation yesterday slayed me. not in a triggery sort of way, but in a soft way where i know that my littlebean's likely only sibling(s) will be from OW(s). and regardless, at least one of them already is. and that one day, she may have the joy of knowing a half-sister, and none of the pain it brought me. i think about that little girl out there...probably way more than WH.
i have six siblings, all of us from one set of parents who are still together. having an only child is bumming me out at the moment. i'm determined to make the most of my life with her...my little buddy...and she's certainly enough. i just wanted to tell her one day that her baby brother or sister was in mommy's tummy. we even got a hand-me-down "big sister" book in a box of kids stuff we received. i threw it away after it wandered out of the donate pile and into my view one too many times. anyone who is having second or third children makes me jealous and sad, the same way engagements and weddings do.
anyway, i just wanted you to know that i'm out here reading sometimes, really hurting, and really supporting you all. i just don't feel i have much to say since i don't really deal with the things you guys do.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I have home video cameras, but they are only one when the home PC is on. I almost feel like hiding his keys or something, if DS14 goes back to on-campus school (even part-time). I monitor his phone's whereabouts with Sprint's Family Locator, but if he turns it off or turns off GPS (OW probably could figure out how), then it wouldn't make a difference. I could put keylogger on our PC, but I don't think fWH would use it for contacting OW. I just wish that when I suspected something pre-A#3, that I'd gone w/my gut instinct & laid down some better boundaries. I should've insisted on boundaries after A#1 & certainly, I should have demanded that OC's CS/custody be all-legal (not agreed verbal), so he couldn't say "We have to be nice to OW, or she might not let me see OC or if she took me to court, I might not have as-much time w/OC." Except in rare circumstances, I don't think remaining on good terms or friendly w/OP benefits the M. And, we should've requested dropoffs/pickups on Mondays @school or @OW's mother's home so NC could be maintained (or btwn BH#2 & fWH @neutral location long b4 A#3 happened). I never should've allowed fWH to go back to doing pickups/dropoffs. I think if WS/OP have EA/PA & not just ONS, I'm inclined to believe their feelings for each other might easily be rekindled, if given adequate contact w/out BS around. It's just not worth the heartache to be nice to OP, if it just gives them hope that things will go back to intimate relations w/WS. U just cannot be nice to OP (for OC's sake), at the expense of COM/BS & M.
Last night was okay w/OC...her b-day sleepover party was cancelled for last weekend & rescheduled for Feb4th @OW's home. Nobody RSVPd....wonder if they'd have any kids show @all (think she invited only 3-5 girls). I was thinking on the way home @how quiet & good last week had been w/only COM around & no OC drama. There were very few fights btwn OC/COM last night. OC made me almost late for work this morning, not wanting to get up (she got dressed & laid back down). Due to weather&holidays, most the weeks we've had OC, we've had no schedule (no school last 3 times we had OC since before Christmas). Trying to get OC10/DS11 out the door on time was a bit hectic this morning. OC had tons of homework last night & I was also helping DS14 w/pre-algebra. It was crazy during homework time & I'd had very little sleep due to some work stuff I had do Sunday night. I was sure glad when the kids went to bed & I was able to exercise (stress relief) and get my stuff done. I love the kids, but 3 is certainly more than 2 on a school night & really does make quite a difference.
On a good note (report cards came home for Q2), OC made all As (only 1 B) and DS11 brought all his grades up to Bs (only 1 A - except things like PE & music which were also As). It was a struggle all Q2 to keep DS11 caught up, but well worth it. Trouble is, he still has F average in Soc.Stu. due to his F during Q1. Sure hope we can get him through this year....cannot dream how much ridicule he'd have, if he was in-class w/OC10 next year (if he fails).
BMC, my fwh talked to the new attorney today, and brought that up. Said not to worry about that, its incredibly rare for that to happen here. But said that since her food stamps and state health care can be considered public assistance, to talk to the dept of revenue about them keeping the $ to pay that back. Fwh is just waiting to hear back. The new lawyer did say he could go after the old attorney, but he is just so fed up he just wants to move on with everything else.
So this new lawyer recommended for us to still send a letter stating we want to claim the kid on taxes until she is employed since she has no income she technically cannot file a tax return. She will most likely either not respond or say no. Then ask her for visitation, whcih again we know she will say no. Build a case. Wait for her to file her appeal so she can pay the court costs. So we are sitting and waiting. I looked at the paperwork with fresh eyes and saw how she said fwh had to report all bonuses to HER (her exact words!), how the OC was barely 1 day old and she wanted a whole week of CS...so we have to make our own spreadsheet of payments to show the caseworker. It pisses me off how the dept of revenue is quick to help her out with everything, but offers no help or advice to fwh.
I will be back later once I get home and talk to fwh. On my way to my IC. (((Everyone)))
anyone who is having second or third children makes me jealous and sad, the same way engagements and weddings do.
I get this... I totally do. I never even got the wedding or one precious little baby, and it just tears me up when I hear about someone getting engaged/married/having a baby...