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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for eyes (((eyes))). I know today is a big day. You are in my thoughts.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Island and everyone else. I was just coming here to post that this is a special kind of hell, this waiting and wondering. Sick to my stomach, achy all over like the flu, miserable as can be. Still waiting for the phone call, I will post the results later on. Bless everyone that has gone through this :(


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry, duplicate message

[This message edited by eyesnowopen at 1:43 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,

My thoughts and prayers go out to you all. I'm just so confused I love my husband and we had a long talk. A good talk about us trying to R but when I think about 2 A's which produced OC. I didn't realize I loved him so much after about 15 yrs. I want to hate him but can't. I'm so undecided on if I should go or stay in this marriage. I don't want to be without him. I know I'm scared.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eyes, I remember the feeling all too well. It sucks. I remember feeling faint, afraid to care for my kids because I was such a wreck. Remember its ok to feel howeverr you want no matter the results. And we are here, no matter the results. If its not his please don't feel that we will feel bad, we need a whhhooo rraaah story! I would be very happy for you!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize I loved him so much after about 15 yrs. I want to hate him but can't. I'm so undecided on if I should go or stay in this marriage. I don't want to be without him. I know I'm scared

You can love someone - but it still might not be healthy for you to be with that person because they are toxic.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurtful))). I can't even imagine dealing with 2 OC, let alone 1. You do what's needed for YOU to heal. I understand the feeling of extreme love and extreme rage/hate. Some days I wake up and I think of all the years invested, esp since we have been watching old movies of us lately, and my heart swells with love for him. When he brushes against me, when I kiss him, etc. Other days I look at him and am disgusted, disgraced, enraged. In disbelief that my life has become this. I hate it when people look at our marriage and our 2 kids (1 boy and 1 girl) and say what a "perfect family" we have. At times yes, we are a perfect family (and we could've had 2 boys or 2 girls, I get angry when people see the "perfect" family being 1 of each), other times I feel the big black stain of the whole OW/OC situation ruins everything. Not the OC, but the situation. I'm learning its perfectly fine to feel these rollercoaster feelings.

(((Repeat))) I'm sorry you have to deal with this "betty crocker" OW. She can act I'm sure, but really it sounds put on and fake. I'm sure its just a passing phase. I had considered a roller skating party for my son, but he's only turning 4! His party is in a couple weeks and we are going bowling.

Stuck inside today, snow snow and more snow. Did I forget to say snow?


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post!

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 2:15 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks but everything in me tell me I should stay and work it out. I wonder if I'm crazy or what? Thanks for listening.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers I totally agree. Had my fwh not been remorseful, went to IC, etc. I would have left him, because staying with him after THIS would have been toxic. He needed to admit he had a problem and fix that problem. He was a totally broken man, and I couldn't have stayed with him had he not tried to fix himself.

(((Whalers))). Good to see and hear from you.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurtful))). You can stay and try. Is he remorseful? Trying to genuinely change? I have seen my fwh falsely change and pretend to be remorseful (he was just sorry he got caught), so I know this time is different.

Do what will make you happy. I'm the type that has to say I tried in order to have mental peace. But I told fwh there are no more tries, I have mental peace now knowing I gave it once last shot for the sake of my kids and for our family.

Also, its ok to reevaluate every couple weeks, months, etc. I told fwh I needed to see remarkable change in 1 year, which I did.

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 2:27 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm meeting up with H this weekend for a face to face talk. I'm convince my self this will be the test. We have been talking over the phone I did not want any contact with him or for him to come home. I'm just ready to see if we can work on R or if I need to walk away and never look back and stand firm on it really being over. I believe this weekend will make or break us. I must admit expressing myself and venting to you guys have been such great support. Thanks


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OC is H's


:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((



Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
Taurusinpain
♀ Member
Member # 30284
Shocked  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooooooo sorry ENO


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
kbird
♀ Member
Member # 30638
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry eyes. so so sorry. you will get through it though, eventually you will be ok.


D-Day#1 31/12/2010
TT 02/01/2011
TT 03/01/2011
BS - 30, female
XWS - 35, male
Together 8 years, living together 5 years, engaged 1 year.

~ 21st December 2011, I called it a day ~


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2011
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Eyes)))

Please feel however you need to feel, don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

We know your pain.

PM if you need to. I don't go back to work until next week so I can check here frequently.

(((Eyes)))


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Eyes)) I am so sorry that it came out this way. Finally finding out is just as devestating as the waiting. For me, I had already put in my mind that the tests would come back positive, I just took that position, so when the twins were not his, that's is when I got my shock.

We are here for you. Take some time to process this. The good news is even though it hurts like hell, you have been preparing yourself for the outcome. You have taken some important steps for you and your H to have to deal with this. Take all the time to grieve life as you knew it, then it is time for action, you and your H really need to band together, but remember it is okay to feel anyway that you feel.Don't let the shock of this, mess up any progess you have made in your relationship, this issue can be fully dealt with after you rebuild your relationship.

((Hurtful)) Take things slow on your terms. You don't have to decide anything. Yes me and my H are living apart, but we are working on rebuilding our relationship. What I found is that we spent the first 2 years dealing with the OC issue that we didn't deal with what was going on with us as a couple. Your H got DNA tests? He has positive proof? I ask because my H believed that he had 3 OC until I demanded DNA test and found out the twins were not his. He never questioned the OW at all. If you and your H have any chance, if there is any question, paternity needs to be established if it hasn't.
I guess what concerns me about your situation, is that is not wiliing to have you involved where these OC are concerned. If there are no boundaries in dealing with this, it is not fair to you. Just some things to think about. We are here for you in you need to talk.

((Island)) Always thinking of you and hoping for some kind of positive result in your situation. I hope the PI is able to come of with something you can use. You always have our support.

((Repeat)) I swear your OW makes me so mad I wanna come give her a kick swift kick I think she just loves to compete for attention it is a damn shame that she doesn't care about hurting the "love child" she planned with someone else's husband. You are truly a saint for everything you do for the OC and how you handle yourself. Seriously, I don't think I could deal with the OW and having the anxiety that she is still doing things to get back with your H, it just must be overwhelming. Hugs to you and I give you credit for dealing with this as long as your have.

Hugs to us all. This is a hard long road no matter which way you turn, it takes a lot of effort and strength, we all have that, we can make it thru this.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BMC, so far my cousin didn't really find anything. But I think I'm going to look into a local PI. Plus I have friends in various places who offered to do some investigative work too. I'm just a little ticked at fwh stalling on filing for shared legal. I know he wants nothing to do with OC, and that's his choice alone (I told him I'm ok with C, he's choosing NC and I'm supporting either one), but I can't stand the thought of us having no say in ANYTHING while she gets a fat check. Kid could be in another state with another family for all we know! Plus we want to see OC's medical records, because she says he has medical issues but won't say what, and we think her heavy smoking has something to do with them.

Hugs to all in these trying times. I know I am personally still horribly embarassed, so can't really talk or vent to anyone else, and here helps so much.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wanted to add he's stalling because 1. OW threatened to appeal if she didn't get her way (and she didn't), so he would like her to make the 1st strike (make her look like the $ grubbing whore she is) and 2. He wanted to consult a new attorney first. Whcih I told him we could still file the paperwork with the courts, then while we are waiting on a new trial date we can secure a new attorney. I think he's also still trying to digest everything, but I'm being impatient.

Our 14 year anniversary is this weekend, so hoping to do something nice with the kids, esp since I go back to work next week.

Thanks so much again for the love and support from everyone. Its been a trying week.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Eyes))), I'm so sorry.

I'm happy when we hear OW lied & OC isn't really fWH's (as R becomes a little easier), but so sorry that others have to deal with everything when OC turns out to be fWH's.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
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