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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had the perfect words to comfort you, to reassure you and to help you at this time. I can only say that my heart aches for you and your children.
I hope that Miracle checks in since she and her H are cohabitating. Maybe she can give you some advice from her personal experience on how this can work for you and your family.
Is there someone IRL who can give you the emotional support you need now? Do you have a sister or mom to rely on or a best friend? I know that I never could have gotten through the worst times without my sister and my best friend.
Of course we will all be here for you but having someone physically put there arms around you and let you cry until there are no tears left is so comforting.
Please let me and all of us know how we can help you at this time.
((((((((((Allgood))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((allgoodnamesgone))

It is hard at this point to believe that your H is not at least mentally still in the A, still enjoying the rush of seeing, talking to, or being with the OP. I am so sorry for you to find out this way. I am so sorry that he was not willing to tell you about this contact upfront, which I understand brings in to question everything else that he says. I am so sorry you have tried for so long only to have him not give a f*ck.

m334455,

A very well thought out and intersting analysis that you presented of D from your xH and comparing that situation to the status quo. I feel sorry for you too. Being in a M that is "not bad enough to leave yet" is not a very comforting place. I am glad you are making plans and puttting actions in place for those future plans to get to a happier place.

fgnf,

...when that someone has behaved so hatefully, so selfishly and so destructively toward you and when that someone ripped out your heart and tore it to shreds all for a sordid, sexual depraved A with someone so low, so depraved herself
.

In your post I can clearly feel your hesitation and reluctance to commit again.
I think that for me, the most important part of my healing has been that I understand and truly believe that my FWW's A's were not at all about me. Her A's and the OM were pathetic, desperate, and sordid, but they were about the two of them trying to plug emotional holes within themselves. Yes, her actions hurt me deeply and scarred me permanently, but their fantasy life of secretive couplings and drunken meetings, fake support for each other, and pretend friendships was all them. I was out of the equation at that point, and that was the problem. Neither FWW nor her OM was capable of feeling empathy for another person or thinking through the results of their actions. They were needy and selfish children. I am watching now as FWW grows up as she reprocesses a lot of the crap from her childhood and earlier life, and learns to cope with the issues as an adult.

As for us, FWW, DS15 and I are travelling together up and back for the funeral. DS18 will head back to college to start classes. The funeral is Wednesday, and we will stay until Sunday for FWW to help her father. It was getting complicated to work it all out, and I asked if she wanted to travel up tonight or tomorrow am and I would follow with DS. She started crying and told me that she is embarrassed when she sees old pictures with her and her family without me, knowing she cut me out of her life. She wants me to be with her for the whole trip, and never wants to travel again without me.

As I indicated, the same group that was there in September will be there for the funeral. Few if any are true friends of our M. I know that it will be stressful for FWW. I have told her that she has recently made good deposits of love and trust into my account, and that she has built up credit. I am along wholly to support her, she does not need to be concerned about me while she gets through this week.BIL especially will escape what he deserves out of difference to my Ws emotional well being and stability. I will be polite to him. Frankly, I will be about the only man at this event. Except for my nephew (and DS15) the others are enablers, molesters, cheats, liars, and drunks.

This has been an aha moment or event for me. FWWs M died unenlightened, she never understood the truth about her life. She was a self-centered alcoholic who thought others were the cause of all of her problems. She never took ownership of her issues, let alone trying to make amends. FWW was headed down this path, but has seen the light. She understands now, and is working to learn coping skills better suited for a responsible adult than the childish coping mechanisms she employed for much of her life. She is owning her shit.

The last year has crystallized some understanding in me. Not the true enlightenment of the Buddha, but a clearer understanding of many aspects of emotional life and of human behavior. I often felt I was a good read of people I met, but it was a surface read. Now, I can see the patterns in the behavior, the linkages, the cause and effect. Just as I have always seen these things in the technical aspects of my work, I now see them in people and their actions.

((Tribe))

PS: Weather forecast high temperature for me this week will be 32 degrees. This is about the coldest I have experienced in over 8 years. Still, I want to try to fire up my Father in Laws grill this week just so that I can channel Old_Dipstick and do some snow grilling.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gots zero time....

(((((allgood)))))

remember do not make any decisions in the heat of any moment..let the moments pass, when rational do what you gotta do hon.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remember do not make any decisions in the heat of any moment..let the moments pass, when rational do what you gotta do hon.....

This is smart advice.

I'm going to give you dumb advice. Go apeshit crazy on him. I have this book by Michelle Weiner Davis -- she's the one who wrote the 180 in the Divorce Remedy. This one is called Change your Life and everyone in it.

It has another tactic in it (well several really) but this one was very interesting to me -- it's called Make It Worse. She's got these Last-Resort techniques. Stop the Chase which is a version of the 180, Drop the Rope -- where you stop fighting about "the rules" and decline to rescue someone from their behavior, Tit for Tat -- i.e I do to you what you do to me (this might work too -- say you're separated and go on a date. Sign up for match.com, etc.), Hire a Shrink (well, we've ALL done that...) but the one that intrigued me was make it worse. the idea is -- sometimes you can't get over your urge to fix something until the situation becomes overbearingly unbearable. The idea is don't back off even one inch. do everything you can possibly conceive of to fix the relationship. hold nothing back. Don't care how bad it gets. Make it so bad that the idea of cohabiting or waiting until summer is unthinkable. throw his stuff on the lawn. Tell everyone you know. take a baseball bat to his car etc. etc. make both your lives completely miserable. you'll either be able to walk away completely at peace with the idea that there was never, ever anything you could have done, or you'll wake him up, or you'll wake him up and walk away anyway and be at peace with that ...

See, your WH is in major denial. He thinks you're having another temper tantrum. he really does. We know you're not. He thinks he can duck and cover and always do whatever he wants.

I would really start with calling people. Call EVERYONE and tell them you're separated and he needs a place to stay since you think it would be inappropriate for him to stay with OW considering the children and all. Pack his stuff. Tell him cohabiting will be too stressful but cousin so and so says he can stay there ... etc.

he really thinks you're just always there for him. and all he needs to do is a big time out and then he can keep up whatever it is he wants to do.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 i don't think allgood can go crazy apeshit for the same reason you cannot....little people truly take over our lives, don't they ...even when the little people are bigger then we are....


ats: remember your wife is not the same woman she was then, and now she has you...she cognitively knows she has you....i do hope that this keeps.....and if it does keep then this trip might end up giving you so much more then you could believe....if it does not keep you will be who you are...the man who says he will love her anyway....for now this would be the time she needs your soft place most of all...

when my dad died, i was devastated..not because i lost a dad but because the opportunity for him to finally do "right" by me is lost....never will i get the apology i needed, never will i get the validation and the acknowledgment from him that i needed.....so as much as logical miracle knew she would never get that anyways even when he was alive....the emotional miracle still held on to the hope that some day he would "see"....seems like i have spent all my life waiting for the men in my life to "see"...


well i will wait no more....so good for me...


welcome to the newbies....we have become a family here on the lta forum...each of us following each of our stories....its safe in here....very rarely do we swing those si 2x4's...we lean towards swinging hugs more then anything...

allgood: i was thinkin bout ya when i went to pick up from school...at first all i could think about is how mr allgood was waiting for that shoe to drop...he has always had the attitude that your marriage will end in divorce no matter what he does or doesn't do.....he still felt that he needed to try, although his efforts were laden quite heavily with stupid......

the sorry ass part is that even if what he is telling you is true, he still lied to you the next day saying that they were far far apart the whole nite....and the worst part is that you told him how his going to this party would make you feel and why...and its almost like he had to prove you right in your suspicions....and i am so so sorry allgood....

as for you staying til june....for the kids...realize one huge thing is that your oldest the sensitive one is fastly approaching puberty if he hasn't already done so.....which means his emotions will be everywhere.....so think long and hard about what you want to do and why....and remember that no matter which way you go, your little people will still be a huge factor in "getting over" it....for all of you....when they are emotionally really young its much much easier...kids are amazingly resillient....so the next thing i would ask for you to look at would be this child...how does he handle himself in times of trouble, what kind of student is he and most importantly is he the type of kid who looks for excuses...

if his foundation is strong then i believe he will be as long as he sees you keepin it together......so much to think about.....

cohabitation is so so hard...you have been there for me, watching me do just that....

take YOUR path of least regret allgood....write it all out, every pro and con of every choice you are considering...then decide which path holds the least regret...we are not in a position to have zero regret...mostly because we are parents and we picked the wrong co parent...but even then had we known we surely would not have picked whom we did...but i do believe we could have pretty close to zero regret....and if not the one with least regret....

as rollercoaster put it so succinctly...we have now...we cannot control later the future....as much as we would like to as much as we try we cannot...but we can take what we have now and make it what we can....

(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 3:03 PM, January 3rd (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Ats

I will be thinking of you often over the next few days. I believe that this could be a positive in your R. You and FWW will be able to show a truly united front. In doing this you will not only show these toxic relatives that you have fought through and won but you will also be able to strengthen the bonds between you and FWW. Good luck.

RC80 and NJgal

Thanks for your posts. I found them very interesting and encouraging. Even though I am only 7 months out, I could say all of these things:

We enjoy each others company and he treats me well

The important thing is that I/we are happy in our now

My marriage is better.

For today I will enjoy what is mine today.

But my triggers, rages and meltdowns mar the comfortable/peaceful place we are in. I cant seem to stop these hopefully with time I will get better. I do have some hope for our relationship but also think (based on what I feel now) that I will probably end up in a similar place to FNF.

FNF

Thanks so much for your post. Your two questions really struck a chord with me: Does he love me and do I love him? At this stage I am unsure of both. I believe we are both trying to salvage the marriage. My problem is getting past the pain. He is trying to prove he loves me. For me honesty and fidelity are the two areas where I know he could fail. If he does, then like AGNG I will finish the marriage. I do not have the strength to deal with this shit again.

I am now the sole protector of this fragile heart and cannot open it completely to someone who so carelessly fractured it out of his own sense of entitlement.

I suppose it comes down to self preservation. As I said, I dont have the strength to go through this again so I am being very careful not to make myself too vulnerable just yet.

M33

But the paradigm shift for me has happened. And it's this: I honestly do not care whether or not this M works out anymore.

((((((((((m334455)))))))))

AGNG

Im so sorry honey. He is such a dickhead, fucktard, arsehole!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for your pain.

((((((((Tribe))))))))

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:12 PM, January 3rd (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 i don't think allgood can go crazy apeshit for the same reason you cannot
.

Let's say "should not".

You know, maybe I should take my "make it worse" advice. it would be a bit different in the M3 house because we're not talking about NC violation, etc. I'm just on the really, who's ever going to trust him again, etc. place... but maybe I should just go balls-out and lay it all on the table. Just because he was unfair to me doesn't mean I should be unfair to him. Two wrongs don't make a right. I should just say -- here's how I feel and i don't know if it will change and it's not fair for me to let you go around making decisions about your future without knowing that I feel X, Y, Z.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, my computer crashed just as I hit "submit" on my last post...

Anyhoo.

I feel like I have no choice. I mean I'm staring at a picture of the 2 of them from 2 weeks ago and the explanation I'm getting is that this pic must have been taken just seconds before he got up and walked away...
I mean, at the very least, he lied to me about the contact and is not being candid with me now. At worst, well, of course it could be anything. It could've been that they did have friendly chit chat at the party and nothing else or it could be that they never stopped, maybe they've just started. Who knows? And, that's it. I feel no measure of safety in his words or actions.
He is clearly making a room for himself in the basement - been cleaning it out all day. He was taken aback when I advised that there would come a point where I wasn't going to his family's events anymore. I really don't know what he's thinking. Yes, I've known these people since I'm 16, but I'm not going to keep haning out with my estranged spouse and his family every couple of weeks.
Maybe he is in denial.
I did ask him how he was doing - that he seems perfectly fine - that's he's accepted our split. And he said he hasn't accepted it but there's nothing he can do.
I don't know what else to do or say at this point.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

I am also speechless.
I would be devastated if my husband was anywhere near the OW again.
Seeing that picture on Facebook-it's almost as if you were meant to know this information.
I am so sorry that you continue to deal with this.
He just doesn't 'get it'.


FNF- Excellent posts!
So insightful.I will have to re-read them later.

Ats- I will be thinking about you on Wednesday. I think the idea of you and your wife and kids being a united front against the toxic family members will help you to get through this.
And, your observations about your MIL and the differences between your wife and her mother should make you feel better.

M33-I understand the 'apeshit crazy' ... I did completely lose it after d-day. I have never exhibited that kind of behavior before. My husband was shocked to see the screaming, violent person that I became.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said he hasn't accepted it but there's nothing he can do.

Allgood - this is how I would have responded to your H's statement.
There is, in fact, plenty you can do if you want to save this M. I am prepared to list them if you are sincere about wanting to try.
First and foremost, ALL contact with this OW must stop. There can be no more social outings with this group unless I am present and willing to go.
2. MC'ing is an absolute requirement. We cannot do this alone and need someone who has the right experience and knowledge to help us through this.
3. When I need to discuss your A and the current lies you have told me, you cannot respond defensively but must be man enough to listen to all that I need to say to you.
4. If I need to cry, I expect you to wrap your arms around me, tell me repeatedly how sorry you are that you broke my heart and your vows to me, and promise never to hurt me like this again.
5. If I need to ask you the same questions over and over, you cannot respond with frustration. Instead be patient with me, tell me again the whys and the hows and the whens, and understand that each time you respond with love and patience, you build up my sense of safety and assurance in your commitment to this M.
Although I cannot force you to go for IC'ing it would show me that you are really sincere about understanding your actions so that you can then help me to understand as well.

I know you've talked about your H's drinking - is it something that you feel requires AA? NJgal often mentions how these meetings helped her H in their R.

There are so many things your H can do - I've only listed what I needed but having 4 young children I am sure there are many more you need to add.

It is total bullshit that "there's nothing he can do." WTF???? It's not that there's nothing he can do, it's whether or not he has the balls and is man enough to do them.
((((Allgood)))
If it is helpful to you, maybe others could add to this list.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
I agree with FNF.
Make a list of what you need from him.
Do not assume that he will come up with ideas on his own.
Write down whatever is important to you.

What would need from him at this point to help rebuild trust and R? IC? MC? NC with OW and toxic friends? no Facebook friends?

Then after you give him the list...it's up to him.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing that picture on Facebook-it's almost as if you were meant to know this information

I agree.

For the longest time, I've prayed that I receive some sort of unmistakable signal if he's still being unfaithful. And, so there it is.

I was surprised that many of you didn't seem to consider this a dealbreaker. As that was the case, I went back to him this eve to clarify. He says he sat down after talking to a group of people and pointed out that 2 of the people were still in the picture (way off to the side) and he just sat down for about 2 minutes. She sat down and he got up and walked away. Didn't report it to me since there was no contact.
He says he knows I will never trust him and will never be happy with him.
(He didn't say this in an assholish way.)

So, I just don't know where to go from here. I can't really bring myself to believe, as much as I want to, that this photo of them is just a second in time - that what he says is true.

I really do not see what the point is in further efforts to reconcile. I mean no contact is pretty damn basic and the other stuff - well, we've been round and round with it.

I'm going kickboxing.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood,

When he says that there is nothing he can do that is a cop out. As fnf and njgal suggested, there is plenty he could do.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. He has been inconsiderate to you, immature in his actions, and lying.

In September FWW broke our agreed to deal. I called her out on this, she was defensive and I moved out. I was done trying, and I could not envision ever feeling safe in our relationship. I left to move forward and the ball was in her court. I know now that she thought about it and talked with friends. She made a decision while I was out of the house to do what it took to fix herself. She realized she could go through life without me making the same mistakes (not just relationships), or she could do the work to try to fix herself and maybe we could wortk out. She dreaded this as she had been through much therapy already, and knew how painful it would be. Once she made the decision to commit to fixing her and working on us, you all have seen (read about) the difference. we are now much stonger and better than we were 3 months ago. Moving out did not mean the end of our M, though it could have. It meant I gave up, the ball was in her court. She picked it up, and I have been happy to rejoin her.

This event will be a learning experience for Mr. allgood no matter what. If there are no real consequences he learns the lesson that he can maintain contact and abuse your good nature so long as he is "careful" and denies when he does get caught. If there are clear and significant consequences, he will learn that he has crossed a line and must change his ways. A risk is that if you begin to truly move on, he may never move fast enough to catch up.

I do not think that giving him a list of what to do or else is the right move. That makes you responsible for fixing the M, he is just the "worker". You need to do what works for you. He needs to figure out how to be a person you can feel safe with and love. If this means he has to go to C and ask for help, so be it. If he cannot do this on his own, you will always be in the position of nagging and telling him how to be a man. this is not fair to you or him. You need to start towards your new life. It is up to Mr. allgood to decide if he wants to be with you and his family, and if so, to figure out how.

Thank you all for your thoughts in my situation. I agree that this week will be another turning point in our relationship, and I hope that it is for the good.

--ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
I, too, am so so sorry that it has come to this. Your WH obviously isn't ready to put on his big-girl panties and deal with the mess he's made.
I was surprised that many of you didn't seem to consider this a dealbreaker.

We don't get to judge other people's deals. We just make our own and then hang on to them as hard as we can. For me, if Mr. Nell decides to have a conversation with OW, that's a dealbreaker for me. I'm done. He can have a friendly chat with a homewreaker-wannabe, or he can have a marriage with me. The two are mutually exclusive. So, if I were to see a photo of WH and OW sitting together at any time in the past seven months, I would (rightly) assume that there was some sort of conversation and I would be writing this from my lawyer's office.

But that's my deal. It's not necessarily anyone else's. And as much as I am angry and disappointed with your WH right now, if you decided tomorrow that he's telling the truth, or maybe it turns out it's not a dealbreaker for you after all, then I would support you and I feel like I can say that the rest of the tribe would, too.

As for me and my house, we are doing okay. WH and I had a decent NYEve. We generally have a good time together when we're being pals. I can't tell if it's real or not. I'm certainly talking myself through events instead of just being in the moment, but it's early days yet. January is a bit wearing.

Laura,
I've been hearing about flooding in Australia. I thought today that if worse came to worse, you could tie the ducks to a large plank and let them pull you to safety. Then wouldn't you be happy that your WH bought the ducks?!

m3,
Plain of Lethal Flatness?

ats,
My condolences to your wife. Even though it sounds like her mother was a sick, sad person, she was still her mom. She's very lucky to have you. Good luck to you and your family.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 5:35 PM, January 3rd (Monday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

Thank you for your concern re the floods. Fortunately we are about 2000kms away so, in spite of all the rain we've had, it is not a problem for us. We also have our farm high up on a hill so are quite safe (unless global warming accelerates rapidly or we get a tsunami, in which case we are all fucked and I won't care).

Re ducks pulling the plank to save us:

Great idea. Unfortunately we will have one less to do the job. H is currently in the process of killing and plucking a duck as a gift for his nephew.

There will be one less excited duck fucking in the grass. Poor fellow truly is fucked!

I have told my H I will have no part of killing, plucking or cooking the fucking ducks he has collected since dday. Will be interesting to see what he will do with the other 30 or 40 (including babies) he now has.

Love and peace to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
excellent advice.
It's true.
Giving him the list of needs should only come after he shows extreme remorse and a real willingness to save the marriage.
When he says I will do anything to save the marriage...what do you need from me?
That's when the list comes in.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.. Im all for your R.. Most likely, much more so then anyone on SI. Sometimes, life just does not go according to plan. It may be possible your H just wants a different life. He wants to make a change and it is without you. Hes just too scared and afraid to make that change so he just lies out of fear. Some people just lie over and over and its just a way of life for them. You really have no control what he does. I could wake up too, looking dead into a FB pic, just like what you saw... Any one of us here could be in your same shoes. Yes, even me, though I am being treated well.

You are a good woman, a beautiful woman, you have a good job, great kids that love you and a very good personality. You deserve far better. It is up to you to go find your own happiness. Maybe you do need to separate and make some new friends. You go with confidence! I think you will find it very exciting and adventurous.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:32 PM, January 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(( Allgood ))

Wow - I am so sorry. I can only imagine the shock and hurt seeing that picture. I am new and not in such a good place to offer any advice other than I believe you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Sending your caring thoughts and strength for the next few days

NJ - as always, your posts are so helpful and calming.

Laura - I believe we may be in the same place. I am surrendering to the "rage stage" and I am just going to vent away here on SI.

But my triggers, rages and meltdowns mar the comfortable/peaceful place we are in. I cant seem to stop these hopefully with time I will get better. I do have some hope for our relationship but also think (based on what I feel now) that I will probably end up in a similar place to FNF.

Question to the tribe:
Rage Stage - how long? how best to ride the wave? How best to process??


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he says I will do anything to save the marriage...what do you need from me?

He knows the answer to this already. He needs to cut the shit, stop being a selfish asshole and start putting me first. In more specific terms, he needs to be honest, accountable for his whereabouts, limit his socializing with all women and work peers, he needs to pay more attention to me, make me feel loved, comfort & reassure me when I am down.

I am done. I'm tapping out. There have been so many instances where the logical conclusion would be that he is not being honest with me or his intentions are not really what they should be and I accepted his explanations, hesitantly, but I kept plugging along anyway. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt to the point where I had very little respect for myself. And then a picture and another explanation. I just can't do it anymore. And mind, you this is not even me trying to investigate thoroughly. These are just a few pieces of the puzzle I'm sure. No reason for me to believe I'm such an excellent detective that I found all of the clues...

Anyway. I am comfortable with my decision right now. I know it will become harder tomorrow as he will be at work, near her, we won't be in contact, I will wonder if he's reached out to her yet, I will miss having someone to talk to on the phone, I will miss my morning text - his recent habit of telling me how much he loves me. (Ok... now I'm starting to cry...).
That's gonna suck. And then, when he starts going out more and it's obvious he's either back with her or moved on to someone else, that will hurt too.
Right now, it's contained and I know it. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
Anyway, thanks for listening everyone.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((allgood)))))

i am so so sorry for your pain....remember you are not alone....

this is the last post in this house...so onward to the next house to new horizons for all of us...its a brand new year...and with the grace of god may we all find peace and happiness in our futures...

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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