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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... I am showing you (and others) what you can have and get. When we attended Retro, I think back to the first weekend listening to the husbands and wives tell their story, all are just like ours with different sprinkles. Every story was a story of love, hate, hurt, sorrow and forgiveness. After being M for over 24 years at the time we went, I can now grasp that M is about so much more than I could ever comprehension.

Wayward spouse think way different than us. Not a soul on this earth wants to think of themselves as evil, a horrible person, etc. It’s natural to just think of yourself as “making a horrible mistake” … and you move on the best you can. It is a struggle for waywards. This is why so many people just divorce. The mental pain of being viewed with such hate comes with so many negative feelings emotions. Starting over is an easier change.

My W would have never written anything like that before we went. Nor would I. Nobody can take those letters from me today. I can re-read them, and they all mean something to me. The weekend is about teaching you how to communicate to each other in a safe, heartfelt way… If you try, you will discover how they truly feel about you. It is not lip service. It is emotional and powerful… and private. I also have learned how to talk more loving to my W. It is not just letters, there is more.
It has been months since I re-read all my letters. I’ve re-read them since making the decision to share them with you. They made me feel good. As I think back, that was the beginning of me feelings safe again. It just did happen with a flip of the switch.. but it sank in… and with time.
I think Retro also taught me that love is a decision.
Gift of love - Every morning, I make and bring my W a cup of coffee, we kiss, and I might tell her things that might be going on as she gets ready for work. There will be feelings that come with that gift.
Physical touch love – My wife does not want to reject me so much anymore. She does this out of a decision or choice to me because she wants to love me. She sometime even will just take few minutes to make the effort and it all seems to be good once we get going. I try to make it more romantic much more often, I make extra efforts… It is by choice. Because frankly, I really just want a wham bam thanka mam…
Quality time – My wife made the decision to stay with me. She made an effort to set up times for us. I recognize it and act accordingly. That musical Wicked this weekend was pretty to sit through it… but we had the most wonderful dinner and quality time.. all set around that play. I love us, but not the play. That is love.. and it is a choice and decision. Years ago, I would have complained about going and maybe even said some very unloving things. I like more modern type plays…

Anyway, I could go on and on about decisions to love.
See, I know today, should my W decide to stop loving me again, I have learned some very valuable things that will help me always move forward with my life seeking happiness. It really is about me. It won’t make pain go away for what our spouse did… but it will allow you to accept being loved again.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn - thank you so much. I think I have one last shot at this and I am going to take your advice if I can get my husband to agree to Retro.

honest - you are doing good. I can tell you are detaching slowly but surely. Keep posting for support. Even though I don't know what to say to others a lot of the time, I am here listening.

I have tried sending email to my H in hopes he would return one in writing but he does not know how to use the email. I showed him the other night, yet again, so we will see. I'm going to try it again.

I will be popping in and out in the next few days but I want to wish everyone a very happy holiday!

Hugs to the tribe!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault.. They are published! I just published them here on the LTA board... LOL..

Nofun.. He'll go. The question is very simple. I need this and I would like you to go and try. Will you go? If he won't go, then you'll know his choice. For me, I think I would be D right now if my W didn't go. And I would still be the same ole typical man, unable to communicate what he really feels....


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.

My home pc may have hit menopause or something. It's having some really wild mood swings, so I'm not sure if I will be able to check in until next week.

So, I wanted to take the opportunity now to wish all those that celbrate it a Merry Christmas. Remember what's important and at the very least, enjoy the time with your children.

I have MC tonight - I've been eagerly awaiting this for 2 weeks. My H is already whining about going, no doubt because he has to explain his dumb ass actions and how they are not inconsistent with what he tells me and MC.
O well!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Hopefully, MC will go well.

Tryin- I agree with all that you say. I was looking into Retrouvaille as well but the timing was off and we needed immediate intervention after d-day...so we had the whole boat- IC for both of us, MC, AA (intensive) for my husband, and Christian Counseling separately and together with a wonderful minister at a church that neither my husband or I belonged! LOL...Long story about how we found the church. I do believe there was divine intervention leading us to that place and that particular minister.
It turned out that he was divorced and was a former wayward. And, he was the most wonderful, kind, empathetic, genuine person. That by example-he gave me hope. I looked at him and thought... his wife may have acted too hastily. She may have missed an opportunity for a truly blessed marriage with this man.
And, of course, it made me realize that the same could be true about my husband and my marriage.
My husband and I were separated for 6 months after d-day. At first, I would not speak to him. We would only communicate via emails and notes that he left for me (mostly begging for me to take him back and proclaiming his love for me). We both started IC right away and he started going to AA. After 3 months I agreed to go to MC with him. And then, we found the minister and started seeing him as well. So, we were working our tails off. We just couldn't fit Retrouvaille in.
But, I do agree with Tryin that it could possibly be the thing to help save your marriage-so why not invest one weekend and try it?
The worst case scenario is that it doesn't make a difference but... if there is a chance that it could cause a breakthrough for you then why not go?

I've said this before but... I am convinced that the only way that you can have a successful reconciliation is if the WS 'gets' how awful the LTA was and the WS is very remorseful and very comitted to saving the marriage.
Continuing to make the same mistakes that got you in this mess to begin with is not the answer. Continuing to behave in a selfish, self absorbed manner is not going to cut it either.
I do believe that you can survive an LTA and have an even better marriage than you had before the infidelity but.....IMHO everything about the marriage has to change.
Both partners have to have an epiphany of sorts and realize that there has to be change and that the marriage has to become top priority.
So.....complaining about going to MC because it makes them feel uncomfortable is not showing remorse and comittment to saving the marriage.
Surviving infidelity is hard work but worth it in the end.

Tryin...I enjoyed reading your letters and I understand what you are saying.
I have only now post d-day begun to understand that staying married and staying 'in love' is a decision and something that we need to work on everyday.

I wish all of my LTA friends the happiest of holidays and a healthy and truly happy New Year! (we deserve it!)


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to drop in and wish everyone a very happy holiday. As NJgal said, WE DESERVE IT!
I am so sorry that I missed everyone's pics last week. My son and his family are in and I've been busy chasing grandkids around the house but it sounds like lots of fun - except for the part where some of you did get into trouble with the mods.
Hope everything with that is all smoothed over.
Anyway, enjoy these wonderful times.
Hugs to the tribe!!!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe
I would like to wish you all a very merry XMas & a safe & happy New Year. Lets hope Santa brings us what we all want.
Thank you for your support,advice,friendship,love & of course the 2x4's.

(((TRIBE)))

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just checking in

good luck tonight allgoodnamesgone

old_diptick, I have a 4 rib roast sitting in the refrigerator and orders to bake a cheese cake for X-mas. What is your holiday menu? Do you have any grilled cheese cake recipies I was told I was NOT allowed to use ther smoker.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

It is supposed to be sleet, snow, and freezing rain here. I was going to grill a ham. I told my W that she might need to do it inside. She pointed out that I have cooked in worse weather. I guess I better get out the rain suit, umbrella and rubber boots. She did say later that she would fix the ham inside. I think she is testing me to see if I am crazy enough to cook out in all that. The problem is that I am crazy enough. Getting ready to take some ribs off. they have been slow cooking all afternoon. I do not have a grilled cheese cake recipe but I am sure I could come up with one? I tried grilling spaghetti but it kept falling through the spaces in the grill.

I do hope that all have a good holiday.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried grilling spaghetti but it kept falling through the spaces in the grill.

I had that problem too, then I realized I had the grill mounted wrong. I turned the gril 90 degrees and never lost another strand.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just wanted to share this

Happiness is like a butterfly...The more you chase it, the more it will elude you...But if turn your attention to other things...It comes & softly sits on your shoulder...Dont seek happiness..Happiness will find you!!


Dip & ATS - wtf guys - grillin spaghetti
hope you make your own sauce - tomatoes, onion, garlic, salt , pepper, basil, teaspoon of sugar to sweeten it up (for the kids) & chilli

[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:47 PM, December 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: hope all went well at mc....


i am going to have a busy busy 2 days....i am cooking for both...happy holidays all

honest: keep you head held high dear heart and remember you are so not alone....none of us are.....

merry xmas tribe....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I hope all goes well with the MC. Let us know what happened.

Nofun, I hope your WH answers your email. Since he is not so familiar with it, I'd write him a couple of light letters and even send him some jokes or whatever to get him used to it.

I just pray I can keep detaching, and not fall into the trap again. I'm really trying not to fall into the codependent state and worry about how he's feeling and trying to make him feel better if he seems upset.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and enjoy your family and friends.

I know that all of you have become my family.

{{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to drop in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Even though I no longer post, there are some of you that have posted over the last couple of years that have truley touched my heart. I wish for you and yours the most wonderful of holidays


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.
As you can see, I have coaxed my hormonal computer into working today, even if just for the moment.

Dip:

I tried grilling spaghetti but it kept falling through the spaces in the grill

Now, I know if you applied yourself, you could actually make this happen. Try it again.

MIracle: Cooking for both holidays? I still have shopping to do (with my 4 kids in tow..... still not sure how I'm going to make that happen) and I'm stressing out about how I'm going to have enough time to buy desserts for tomorrow...
I hope you enjoy your holidays.

As for me and mc -

Well, I definitely expected a bit more (I usually do...). MC didn't necessarily have a problem with my H going to the holiday party, and said he did the right thing by staying in regular contact with me throughout the party - but he saw it as having been an opportunity for him to have built trust with me & he blew it by staying out so late.

Idk - I guess I expected him to ask my H more about like why he keeps putting his need to party ahead of my need for safety & security or something.

Then we discussed the overall atmosphere of his work environment & I have to say I came up with a few zingers that caught MC by surprise & he started laughing. (He apologized for laughing - he said I just have a way of just putting stuff out there in a very blunt kind of way.)
I wound up breaking out in a rash during the session I was getting so irritated (not with mc , but just about the topic.)

So, we are supposed to come up with a way that my H can go out & I won't stress out. He also said that OW is a problem in our M and we are supposed to come up with a way that as a team we are going to deal with this problem.

Afterwards I asked my H what he thought when he saw her - he said he didn't feel anything, just the awkwardness of being somewhere and trying to avoid someone.

Alright - I need to hit a few other sites on the web before my computer craps out on me.

If I don't log in before, have a Merry, Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:47 AM, December 24th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DeepP... So true your quote. I got one for you too...
Realize what you really want. It stops you from chasing butterflies and puts you to work digging gold. William Moulton Marston You have some great kids that I bet love you greatly.. Have fun these next couple days.. Laugh and play!

Merry Christmas All..

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:23 PM, December 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were pics AND trouble with mods in the lta house???
And I missed it all. Darn.

Anyway I know the holiday season can be so tough,so wishing the tribe lots of peace n love.

Hi to the 'oldies'.

LH.

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 6:16 PM, December 24th (Friday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas to the whole Tribe, and to the Tribe a Good Night.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was nice to see some oldies stopping by..


and yes lh2...you missed lots of pics....and we wuz in some big trouble....but hopefully those troubles are behind us.....wish we could all put all of our other troubles behind us....


well one holiday down, all went well...all of my kids rated the day as an 8 out of 10 on the enjoyment scale...the areas that they all said needed or could have been better had nothing to do with my end...so thats a yay....i fed 11 of us here and 4 next door (they had a sick kid and could not go anywhere, so i sent them food each course)....

one more day to go, tomorrow we will be 14....

i have to say with exception to a few hiccups (one with me being extrememly pissed) i was able to enjoy myself and put all the negativity for the most part aside....so that is a yay...

good nite all, need to get to bed before the man in the red suit gets here....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Well it's 9.45pm on Christmas night here in Aussie land and I made it through the day without too much drama. No major meltdowns. A few well hidden tears which none of the relatives or friends picked up on. Thank God. Was pretty tough given this was first Christmas since dday and first without my mum.

I think it's about 5.45am on US east coast so some of you would have small children starting to stir and perhaps looking to see what Santa bought.

I would like to wish everyone a great day. I will be thinking of you all.

Lost Heart2 and Hurt 789 - nice of you to check in. Although I haven't "met" you I imagine you are just like all the great people here on LTA that I have met. I hope you have peace at this time.

HUGS to all in the tribe

Laura

PS: He didn't mention the F...ing ducks all day!!!!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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