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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Yes, we all got carried away. I am happy tho to have a face to put with the people. Like Miracle, said, I really do think of all of you as family in the way I worry and hope for your future happiness.

Guess that's it for now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is everyone too scared to post now? I'm lonely.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my understanding the SI Mods held a meeting today. Topic...What the heck are they going to about those LTA folks gett'n out of hand with all those AP pics? PROBATION! We are all on probation.
Before, they didn't even need to mod the ole LTA board. Not any more!

Shame Shame on you Allgood...

I think Laura started all this... How's come always those folks from down under gett'n us in trouble.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:09 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was good.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi allgood,

I am here, just feeling guilty about posting photos on an infidelity board of the men who had affairs with my wife. It was telling though to see the photos of BSs, WSs, and OPs in LTA.

So far, so good. I am really suprised how low the stress and anxiety is this year. The slight triggers and stress of the A-related crap with the holiday is greatly outweighed by the reduced stress of FWW being open and honest about feelings, and what she does or does not want to do. Lot's of annual leave to burn up doesn't hurt either.

--Ats

Probation? I hadn't heard. Maybe it is double secreat probation. Good thing FWW and I are close to R.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:11 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hah allgood.. Yep, Lawyers always are so cautious... PM'd it.. lol...

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats... You feel guilty? I guess I feel a little of that. I figured the mods must keep a handle on that stuff just in case a cheater filing a lawsuit.. shut the site down for damaging that "good" reputation...or something like that.

Me, Just seeing a face to a name on this board made me feel good. It was thrilling to see all you fine folks... all the kids pics brought a smile to my face. I felt good about seeing you guys... It was fun.

AP pics didn't make me feel too much other than a slight sense of those are the folks that lost there way.

ATS.. you look like a professor too me You sure your not at the U of Fl?

Life is so short... I am going to make the best of it today.. Let me go wash some cloths..

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:50 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in, 'cause I ain't skeered.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too...behaving myself though.

I've decided to write a letter to my H with some questions to ask him about our relationship. How he thinks it's going, etc. He doesn't talk much so I thought it's time for some writing.

Any suggestions for questions?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun.

You could ask him how he thinks you will get any better if he does not talk to you.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: Do you have more success with him when you write things out? Does he write you back?

You know how conflicted you are feeling over your relationship, don't you think he is aware of that? He probably thinks it's not going very well at all because he still sees you upset. (This is basically what my H thinks.)

Maybe it's time for you to pop in with his IC/your former MC for a joint session if he won't talk to you.

I know I would like to hear certain assurances from my H, like my current behavior/attitude doesn't shake him - that he still wants me, and only me, 100%. I wonder it that is whatyou are really looking for.
I think it's a fair question/concern given our H's apparent inability to deal with real life when their "real life" was far less compliated than it is now.
You know what I mean - like in their eyes, life was so tough, they had to seek out this alternate fantasy life, and now, their life is harder due to the damage of the LTA and should we really feel confident that they can be strong, committed and do the right thing by us?

And, as far as suggestions for questions - it depends on what you want to know. If you are mostly concerned about how he is feeling, ask him that & then ask follow up questions (not possible if done in writing); otherwise, ask what makes him happy about your relationship now, what doesn't make him happy, what he would like to see change now, changes he'd like to see in a few months, next year, etc. Maybe you should ask him what he thinks you are feeling and what your intentions are.
Ok - I keep editing and I see I'm still rambling, so it's time to quit.
Night all.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:15 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnames gone commented on a post from nofun:
You know what I mean - like in their eyes, life was so tough, they had to seek out this alternate fantasy life, and now, their life is harder due to the damage of the LTA and should we really feel confident that they can be strong, committed and do the right thing by us?

Unless the WS has learned new skills for dealing with the stresses of life, unless the WS has new insights to whom they are and their perceptions (and mis-perceptions) I would expect the post A to be a time of high risk for another A. Not the first few years after dday while the drama still exists, but later when things are back to "normal". This was a real concern for me early on. FWW became involved in her A's at least in part as a way to seek affirmation. If she came out of dday with no new insights, AND the guilt and shame of cheating, it was hard to see how we could avoid repeating history eventually. I presumed it would be subtle and a slow build to the relationship, but eventually someone would console her for trying so hard and still being "punished" for having an A. We talked about this a lot in MC, and she always denied she would have another A. I did not feel safe until she began to own and work on her crap.

Now that she is doing the work, it is not just us doing better. She interacts better with everyone in her life. Family, work, friends, she is able to take criticism and complaints without feeling like a failure. I think this is breaking the cycle that led to the 4-5 A's in her life (depending how you count them).

-- Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just popping in to say Hi and to say sorry.

I started our problems with mods and pics and really am very sorry.

Banning myself for a while.

Have a good Christmas all

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I hope you don't ban yourself... No harm done. The Mods are forgiving folks. The have to act tough... tough love... It was me doing all that stuff anyway. I'm banned from the wayward board ya know?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:59 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I agree - they need to change.

Laura: It was a mistake. Don't beat yourself up!

We've all become so comfortable with each other and we are here so often talking about some insanely personal stuff, with no immediate repurcusions from these revelations, I guess it's easy to start to feel like we are in our own safe, little bubble.

Of course, the mods are right and did what needed to protect everyone, but we learn from it and for Heaven's sake -don't ban yourself!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Fun.. Let me share more... Letters are great.. but to have him write something meaningful to you takes practice and learning how.... This was an early one...


How do I feel about writing letters to you this weekend?

Dear D,

I appreciate your efforts, willingness to discover Retrouville and wanting us to come for the weekend. I am glad I came. I feel inspired yet apprehensive about writing letters to you this weekend. If my inspired feelings were like a physical situation, it would feel like the warmth of sunshine on my face, good but fear from burn. My feelings are a 7 out of 10 on a scale in intensity. My feelings are like when we taught DD1 ride a bike, a slight scare for him falling but he just wanted to go further.

Always love, T

And me

Dear T,

I appreciate you working so hard at reconciliation and I do feel you have been very loving and giving to me. I feel comforted about writing letter to you this weekend. It might compare to if you release any kind of tension between your eyes and just relax. On a scale of 10, comfort feels like an 8 of 10. If I were a dog, I would be wagging my tail halfway or maybe I feel like Im just sitting on a bench watching. I feel like a slow moving bayou at noon. I am glad you are here.

D

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:08 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And more for nofun...

Dear D,

I feel sorrowful when you express your feelings to me, but also grateful that you are now able to share your feelings. If my sorrowfulness was like a physical sensation, it would be like a deep, grinding pain in the pit of your stomach. On a scale of 10, my sorrowfulness to you is a 10. If my feeling was like a something in nature, it would be like a mother bear trying to nurse a dying cub. An image of my feelings of sorrow might be like the way you felt when you pulled dd2s arm up to your chest and her arm got hurt. Do you remember how bad you felt? I cannot describe how worse it feels to me.

Love T

Is this what you seek?

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:08 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - thank you for those questions. I'm going to use some of them. I'll let you know what the answers are. If I write a letter to him, I have to actually ask him to reply in writing. It might take him 2 weeks to reply and with me getting angry at him for taking so long and maybe some nagging but he will eventually do it. He never talks nor writes about feelings though.

Allgood you are correct in that I am so conflicted. I was thinking about leaving him after the holidays but I'm not quite ready to give up yet. Something is telling me to keep trying..

You could ask him how he thinks you will get any better if he does not talk to you.

Dip, I've already asked him this and he doesn't answer


Tryn - how do I get him to express feelings in written form? If it takes practice, I'm afraid he won't participate. Does Retro teach you how to write and express your feelings? I feel like I'm grasping at straws. Thank you for sharing your letters.

Laura - don't ban yourself...I was bad too.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Tryn, those letters are wonderful!! I really, really like the analogies that are used to really try to describe the depth of the feelings. But the analogies are like similes and metaphors of poetry. If you don't mind me saying this, but if you edited them for personal info, you should publish them. They are absolutely insightful and touching.

Allgood and Nofun, I'm glad that you said something about wanting assurances and reassurances about how your WHs are feeling. This is all I wanted too, and had asked for just recently. I can understand the fear you may have of WH just throwing it back in your face.
I agree with Ats, your WHs don't seem to have any idea how to present their feelings, or even fully understand what they are feeling. They may recognize that they are unhappy, uncomfortable or even angry, but probably not know why they feel that way and what to do about it.

Laura, don't ban yourself!! I believe with all my heart that everyone here who posted pics or links did not intend any maliciousness at all. That is why the mods did not ban us. They were very understanding, but had to be firm because they are right and had to remind us that we are not in our own little world, but more like a fishbowl. We all forgot.

Thank you mods for the reminder!

I'm trying to stay on the 180 train. It's not easy to turn your thinking around to focus on how I am thinking and feeling and not worrying about how WH feels. I don't mean that I am being mean or sarcastic. I'm being "myself" which means that I am not hurtful to ANYONE, including WH; trying to be semi-friendly without being friends KWIM?

I am working so hard on detaching, and boy, that is not easy. It seems the hardest part is that one acts a certain way for over 20 years, it's hard to rewire the brain and responses that have become habits and automatic behaviour.

I think WH was talking to OW this afternoon while I was in the room. You have to understand he is speaking in another language, one that I barely can understand. I can't be positive he was talking to her, but I'm pretty sure it was. It seemed to be just an exchange of info, about the kids. No emotion. But still, I was starting to get upset, but remembered the 180. I had to tell myself that it didn't matter anymore. If it was really blatant, I would speak up, but even if we were in R and he would be talking to OW about the kids (which he was, I can get the gist of the conversation) it would be acceptable because of the OC's.
But, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm giving him up like an addiction, and yes, I'm addicted to him and his charm, and his company. It's a toxic drug.

Thank you all for listening. I can't tell you how much you all are helping me with your feedback. I turned a good corner in my healing. I have to do it myself, but need support, NOT depending on others to pull me up, but to start to pull myself up and let others lend a hand. Does that make sense?

I love each and every one of you. You have become my family. God bless you all. I know we will all be popping in and out over the next few days to a week, so Happy Holidays to all.


{{{{{tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun, I think we were cross posting.

WH and I have written emails that he answered. He never answered a regular letter. So perhaps a short email, or if he's on Facebook, a response to a private message?
I think waiting a while longer wouldn't do any harm. I really think, that Retro should be tried first before you give up. As Tryn says, even if it doesn't help you and WH, it can help you in communicating in a future relationship. Also, I believe you and WH will have some respect for each other that you did try one last time.


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