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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Honest))
I'm sorry.
I think I understand why it feels like DDay all over again - is it because you feel rejected again?
I think you've been dreading this moment for a long time, and rightfully so, despite the fact that I am 1 million percent sure this is the best thing that could ever have happend to you, it's also a HUGE change. Change of this magnitude is scary and extremely stressful.
Let's get back to basics, ok?
Do you still have that list - I think you were making a list of things that make you angry. Even if you don't, know that what is occuring now is really no different than what was going on all along. It's all about him. Either get with his plan or get out. He's not the kind of guy who's going to change - he's too far gone. YOu've given him many, many chances to choose you and he hasn't.
THIS IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU!!! IT'S A REFLECTION ON HIM - don't turn this into a "why does he love OW better, what's wrong with me" internal dialogue.
Honest, I'm not trying to be harsh with you, but I'm seriously scared for you if you go down that path.
Keep it simple.
He is the King of all a-holes. She is meaningless in this equation, she is not better than you, there is nothing wrong with you.
Your husband is arrogant in his right to be unfaithful to you.
Good riddens! Seriously.
You are an INCREDIBLY strong, independent, self-sufficient person.
REMEMBER THAT!!!
You may not feel that way now, but that is who you are at your core. You can do this.
And, you have no choice. You have 2 impressionable boys to raise. If not for yourself, do this for them. Let them see what a strong woman you are despite impossible circumstances how you stand up to him and demand his respect or his departure.
AND you can't ever leave us. You're a lifetime member of LTA. WE all are.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Nell and Allgood.

Allgood, I've been going down that path of why OW is better than me for a long time. It's so hard not to feel this way. Even today he says he doesn't want to leave her ever. She's his wife.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, but I can't seem to do it this time around. I do feel utterly shattered and rejected. Completely abandoned and thrown under the bus.

He was even getting mad saying that I always so upset and now I'm getting myeself physically ill because of it. It's not good for the kids. I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. I've been depressed for 20 years. On and on and on.

I'm not worth him just telling me a few words of reassurance. Not worth any respect for my feelings.

What else did he say? Oh, I can leave you and you don't have a word to say about it. I've tried to be good to you and not do what others do and just divorce you.

I never take any xanax. I still have the presciption the doc made of 10 pills 1 1/2 years ago right after dday, but I took half a one a little while ago.

Sorry for this pity party. I only said that comment about having to leave LTA because I guess I have to go to D/S, but I don't want to. You guys have become friends and family. I know I haven't been very helpful lately, I want to. You are all in my prayers.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: first off, i am not in reconcilliation and i have no intention of leaving this forum...and since i have been designated mother hen of it i am putting my foot down and am telling you that you are not going anywhere either, and thats because i said so...

second: why do you still listen to his words?..he is full of more shit then the sewers in ny.....

i read this book not too long ago that stated that when someone is accusing you of things that you know are so so off base take a good look at what you are being accused of and turn it to that person, is that person really the one doing all of what (s)he accuses you of....

when i read this i felt freedom, between pfm and his foo i was accused of more things then most criminals...i now realize that is how someone who is mirroring their own behavior deals with it...rather then see themselves responsible point it out in someone else....not sure if i am explaining this well or not...if not i will have to find some articles on it when i am more awake and have some time....

third: listen to what allgood has told you...and what we all have told you..you are an amazing woman and he is nothing, she is nothing...and again if she was so damned special why does he still want to keep you and then to boot threaten to get himself #3...how special could she be...apparantly she is not enough either...

now you know he will keep upping the ante here, and all the things he is saying to you he has said again and again...he may get more and more forceful, but he has said it all...and we know that its all bullshit...

if he decides to d or s now, let him...if not do the 180 in a BIG BIG WAY...


180
180
180


nell: just a thought, give him your top 5 needs, keep it simple with an example for each..and let him know that this is a beginning for both of you getting both your needs met and let mc run the show...


strong: my gosh, please do not be afraid to be yourself...then what good is he to you if cannot be who you are....and most certainly tackle this in mc asap....

I am so afraid of doing something that he will take the wrong way and then he won't love me? I watch every word I say and everything I do around him takes on a whole other meaning.

this is so so sad....please know that if he really really loves you the way he should that this would not be an issue and if he does not love you it because of what is deficient within him

everyone please realize that none of us were loved properly, if we were then they wouldn't have had lta's...that is a defiency within them..not us...


i wish for all of us to find that kind of true love, whether it be with our spouses we have now or someone new....we all deserve to be loved completely and wholly.....less then that is just sad and wasting time....

(((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
I know it's completely impossible, but my reaction when I read your last post was "get the hell out of that house!" What a fucking piece of shit asshole. Turn your back on that waste of skin and pretend like he is not there. If you have to, drop whatever you're doing and leave the room when he walks in.

ETA: You know what, I changed my mind. If it's over, then kick his ass to the curb. How dare he disrespect you in your own house! Fucker. I hate him. Go see a lawyer on Monday. You've got two days to do some research online to find a shark who will make that asshole pay through his stupid lying nose.

Meanwhile, I think I need an individual appointment with MC before I have a conversation with my husband about what I need from him. Yeesh.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 12:41 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honesttoafault))

iwam is likely right on target with her suggestion that what Mr. dis-honest acuses you of, is most defensive of, indicates what he fears or recognizes as weakness in himself. This is a common dynamic, especially in men who cannot be wrong. I have an employee who is like this.

His A and the OW are not about you, they are about him. There is nothing ANY of us could have done better or different to prevent our WSs from doing what they did. We were not the problem, the problem was within them, and we were not provided complete information on their needs (if we had been, we would have done MC or D'd them well before the A's).

Yesterday I got more confirmation that we are doing better. Plans were thrown into flux and I was feelign jerked around a little and I snapped at FWW. She did not take it personally or snap back. She recognized I was stressed at feeling caught in the middle of rapidly shifting plans. She reached out and soothed me, it all worked out.

Last night I attended a party put on for the clients of her NFP agency. Angry teen mothers, crying babies, and lots of women who want to help these sorts of people. Definitely not in my comfort zone, but I was happy to be there because FWW said she wanted me there.

Afterwards we talked and she told me that so many wonderful things are happening with her in IC. This is the best X-mas she can recall for her. I agree it is going so much better than typical. We talked about why we both initially fell in love with each other, how parts of the reasons we thought we were in love we now see were messed up, and how we are now building a much healthier relationship.

We talked about why we are doing so well right now when others at SI still struggle. I believe the answers are:

1. After dday NC has held.

2. It took time (7+ months), but she eventually told me most of the significant details of her A's. Not all, for instance I may know they met 2x at a hotel for weekend in town where we used to live. She says she forgets what hotel. I am sure she could remember, but I do not need that detail. Still I know enough to figure out the rest, so I do not need to make her relive the rest.

3. She is doing the difficult internal work and I and our IC/MC can see the changes. This is huge. She now acknowledges that the problems we had were mostly her problems. She is re-living painful memories of life with her alcoholic mother, sexual abuse and a rape, and a prior A where her boss took advantage of her as she works through her stuff. She is owning her issues, and no longer automatically blames me or someone at work when she is not happy.

4. She is putting our relationship ahead of work, and even her oldest DD who is not a friend of the M.

All of this makes it easier for me to re-engage and feel safe. When I feel stressed or things are not going as I want them to, I now have security and confidence because she has acted positively in the past, even if it took a day or two for her to get it figured out.

((Tribe))

PS, day on the water yesterday was good, and the traps yielded 50 stone crab claws, about 2 gallons of them, just in time for the holidays.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
Tonight I finally have a chance to read all posts and reflect and respond where I can. H is at work.

All is basically ok in Laura’s house. The triggers disturb the peace every few hours but I try to squash them. Most dissipate but some linger… Today we were talking about how wonderful it is that his 34 yr old nephew is getting married. He has never had a girlfriend and is currently very ill – on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant. He’s a lovely boy and I’m so happy for him.

H made the comment “It’s great, he will now use his time better – looking after her and her little boy will keep him busy.” (She has a 4 yr old – father took off). “Looking after (name) and the little fellow will be so good for him – the responsibility, I mean”. I used every ounce of will power to keep quiet and keep my face straight but I thought – RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! YOU NEGLECTED ME AND YOUR KIDS, WERE CRANKY ALL THE TIME AND WENT OFF FUCKING YOUR WHORES INSTEAD OF BEING HERE FOR US AND YOU HAVE THE HIDE TO TALK ABOUT HIM BEING RESPONSIBLE!!!!! (My son was 4 and daughter 8 when he started whoring – I think!!!!). Well, I let it go but have had some anger “twinges” since.

I enjoyed that little vent. Thanks for reading everyone!!

M334455
Thanks for your post (on page 30 – wow I am SO behind).

It's about becoming truly detached in a healthy way.

About hoping for the best, but planning for the worst

people get things they don't deserve, both good and bad, and you have to make the best of whatever situations you're presented with

you can't give away your personal power - especially in the context of allowing the actions of others to affect your self-image or personal happiness

I actually like myself even more now.

I've become resilient. I feel like I am so tough

And yet, I'm so blessed that I'm still kind, and generous, and open to being hurt.
I really like who I am becoming,

I actually like myself even more now

I was blown away by ALL of these statements. I know you still suffer but the strength and optimism in these words in so encouraging for those of us in our first year. Thank you

DP

Wow. I don’t know how you do it. Your patience is extraordinary. If anyone can make it – you can. You have truly put everything into R and if your wife continues to “see the light” – to see what a great H she has – you will succeed!

BP

Good to hear from you. ((((((((promise))))))))

AGNG
I think we all agree your H is being a selfish arsehole!!!! But then I guess all WSs are this at heart. What matters is whether they are willing to change. Do you think yours will?

Honest

I don’t want to copy all of Nell’s post (above) but WHAT SHE SAID X2!!!!!!!!

Don’t you DARE leave LTA. I will send my dalmation (aren’t they duck dogs???? ) to drag you back!

Ats
So glad you are in a good place at present.

M334455

I felt a great deal of pleasure reading about your kids photos and how you felt knowing OW would see them. I think we all want to raise our index fingers to APs. I really enjoyed sharing your raised finger.

I have actually literally done this to OW3 who I happened to see in her car in town one day. Yes, it felt nice!!!

Nell
Ditto about the finger (your Christmas card!)

Strong

Had my 3rd IC session this morning with the "new" C. I really like her. She makes me feel so good about my insights into FWH.

So pleased you’ve found a good one.

Be yourself honey. I spent years walking around on eggshells trying to make my H happy and he still cheated. I’m struggling even now to stop checking my words before I speak and thinking about how he’ll respond. Repeat after me: I WILL NOT BE ABUSED, INTIMIDATED OR THREATENED. I WILL BE ME AND IF HE DOESN’T LIKE IT FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!

Old Dip

I guess that just proves once again that the best man for the job is a woman.
I have been busier than a one armed paper hanger.

Charming and funny as always.

Fun

That party you are dreading. I wish I could tell you to “out” them all but I wouldn’t have the courage to do that myself so can’t advise you to do it.

You know how naughty I can be. I have been trying to compose a card to send to all the nurses at the hospital. Something along the lines of “On the first day of Christmas my married lover gave to me….ONE case of herpes……… On the second day of Christmas my married lover gave to me …..TWO doses of syphilis……….On the third day of Christmas my married lover gave to me ……THREE lies ‘bout loving….. On the fourth day of Christmas my married lover gave to me ……FOUR excuses about impotence…..

Not very good I know – but they do say it’s the thought that counts!!!!

M33

About Baby Paddy, I agree with Nell (AGAIN!). Blaming yourself is BS!!!!! Don’t be silly woman!!!

Well tribe, it’s 11.20pm and he’ll be home anytime. I’ve had a nice evening reading over the last 4 or 5 pages of posts. I feel so close to you all. I share your highs and despair with you went you hit those lows. Please enjoy my calmness. I feel OK at present and hope you do to.

Now I’ll just have one more Merlot to help me through the night

Love to all
Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:25 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

I'm not worth him just telling me a few words of reassurance. Not worth any respect for my feelings

Ok. Now stop it.
YOU ARE WORTH ALL OF THIS IT'S JUST THIS A-HOLE YOU MARRIED DOESN'T RESPECT ANYONE!!!!
There is no point to thinking like this. Many of us have the same complaint. You are not in R. You haven't been in R in a long time. It is not his role to comfort you. You shouldn't expect it and then you won't be disappointed when you don't get it. (As an aside -when you were in R - did he comfort you? Wasn't it all bullshit? Does it really make you feel better to hear words that have no meaning to its speaker?)

This is seriously not about you. YOu have been subjected to his bullshit for so long that I can see it's almost brainwashed you. So, in the most respectful way possible, I'm going to suggest that you print out some of the things that have been written here to remind you what others think and I want you to go to it and read it over and over again every time you are feeling down, then get MAD!!!! I would love to see you take back your power and your life and tell this man, you know what - FU - let's talk settlement terms - but I fully realize that this is not the time to do it, both in terms of season, your strength and your ducks. So you need to put this on hold - but let today be the day that you actually resolve yourself to make your exit plan.
Maybe it would be fun to tell him you know what you are right - I'm depressed, maybe if I go back to school, I could get out of this funk. Let him pay for it and that's one step closer. Until then
180
180
180

Absolutely.

Please check in with us on a daily basis - actually 2x a day is what I prefer. You don't have to dig deep or tell us thanks, just drop in & say "just checking in". I am seriously worried about you.

I love that all of us have shared so much that we react so violently/strongly when one of us has been mistreated. It really is like a nice non-dysfunctional family. Everyone should have one.


Ats: I am so happy for you. But you seriously need to cut it out with the crab stories - I love crabs and you're making me crazy!

I'm glad everyone else seems relatively ok.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:00 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((honest)))))

I'm praying for you.

I'm so mad at Mr. Dishonet I could call him myself.

Hugs to the tribe.....Love you all!!!!

Laura - I kind of like your Christmas Card....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest... You are moving forward, I can tell. You will be OK. You have kids that love you and will help. Are you independant? No. As long as he holds control over you with money, you won't be set free. You can always find a new partner in life. Will it be easy? NO. But what you go through today easy? NO... So say Yes to life. You are not married right now. You are separated. You've been through all this before..so what.. you are a still young woman! You have the power today to start. Take a baby steps to start. Write a simple plan... Half of all your x-H money is yours. He will not abandon you because of his children. You need to get a job to do something.. even if it is volunteering at a poor house.. Your post tell me you are one fine lady with so much sweetness and love to give. That is in fact the most inportant thing in life a person wants. If you seek, you shall find.. Please promise me you gather some strenght. You need to be your own person and not rely on you "X" husband any longer. You have a way of making people feel so good.. You have done it to me so many times. I value you! I know this will make you happy in time.. Is being independant hard? yes. but hard and happy can be two different things. Make it so! You said you x-H wants to have sex with you huh? Well guess what, then so will hundreds more.. lol.. You must be pretty good. A man wanting the love of touch will want you some day... then throw in all that sweetness... Just pick someone that can ditto it to you... take the leap... you will fly! Go fly!

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:36 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.. What are you doing? Is a life of being married living a singles life really what you want to accept?

I don't want you to hurt by me telling you this... I know it is going to hurt. My friend and co-worker. His W was a cheater. EXACT same behavior as what your H did to you the other night. I for so long, I ignored what my W was doing to me... Good marriage don't do what you described. I know it took some courage to tell us and I bet you knew exactly what we all were going to say...

Sleeping in a car? Give me a break. I am so sorry. Your H needed to wake up... he has yet to experence the feelings of "loss"... Something is still very wrong here for what I know to be the right formula for happiness in Marriage.

Life is so hard sometime. I'm praying for you BTW... You will be OK.. You have the ablity to change and move toward happiness. What is it you need?

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:20 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow.. good for you on your needs...

My need today is for a lovig Wife to love me in every aspect.. Touch, quality time, affirmation, service and gifts. I need someone to love. I need entertainment. I need to work and do different things. I need good friends and other people to be with. I need a home to live in... I need my children to love.. and love me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:22 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I can be pushy... I don't say I am sorry for that. I needed so many times and never had someone to push me.

sometimes I can be right. Sometimes I can be wrong.

Anyways... I so wish everyone a happy Merry Christmas.

This real man in Indiana loves you all. Yep even the men here... Lol..

Peace out and I pray we all find a way to find some happiness this holiday.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:29 AM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
I think bringing all of this up within a MC session is a good idea.
That's what I tried to do over the years. I did not want every minute together to be filled with tension etc. So, limiting the infidelity discussion to MC helped. (Although, I wasn't always successful about waiting until then to vent! LOL).
Speaking of vents... I apologize if I came across a little strong about your husband's behavior. I guess I was personalizing a bit because it reminded me so much of what my H was like pre-affair and then of course the LTA was the natural next step for him
You see... I was in a different compartment-the wife, the kids, the house, the family...and then there was his 'swinging single' lifestyle.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....
I am sorry that this schmuck is making you feel so bad right now. You definitely do not deserve it.
Remind yourself everyday of what a wonderful and devoted wife and mother you have been!
And do not compare yourself to his OW!
What does he like about her?
Well...just like all affairs what your husband wants is to feel like a big shot, to get endless flattery, etc. etc. Well...here he goes back to his country and shows off that he is this American 'millionaire'. That's how many people from other countries think of Americans...that the streets are lined with gold etc.
And here your husband is throwing money around, impressing everyone...so the narcissist can lie to everyone and brag and make himself out to be this big shot. And.... he finds a woman that has been raised in a culture that tells women that they MUST be subservient to men! The opposite of the typical American wife.
So..what he likes about the OW so much is the subservience and the power.Thats what's so attractive about her.Its not this woman per se...its any woman from that culture that would be willing to be subservient to any man and be especially impressed with having a rich, American husband!
When your husband was in this country he was just one of the crowd...another immigrant guy trying to fit in, not a native English speaker, he probably felt insecure at times about himself (even if he never expressed those thoughts out loud)....and his complaints about you..well... you are causing him difficulties because you are a mirror for him... and when he looks in your eyes he sees what a creep he is. He sees a husband that abandoned a wonderful wife and children all for his own ego boost. And so, he will criticize you rather than look within.
He is the one that is broken.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my tribe, I didn't have to worry about sharing my needs. WH was doing his on the way to MC as I drove and we spent most of the session on his third stated need (or rather, example of how I can be in touch with his needs, opinions, desires, etc. and satisfy them): "Dress the way I like."

Yeah. Sticking point. There was a looooooooot of "what do you mean? is that really what you mean? what does that mean to you?" None from me. I was a very good listener. Asked questions. Did not stand up and kick him in the knee and tell him to shove it. Worked through my instant "WTF?!?!?!," set that aside for later and just tried to understand what he was getting at. It basically means he wants us to "be one," but his version of "one" is for me to put on Team WH's uniform and play by WH's rules and frankly, if that's what he wants then he bet on the wrong horse when he married me.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNell....
He had a LTA because he doesn't like the way you dress? This is what he needs you to work on? WTF!

and...the ironic part is that I'm sure that if we saw a pic of your WH we would not think he was ready for GQ magazine at all!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal:

I didn't take offense at all. I love when I get a strong reaction from you guys. I know you are in my corner, always.

Nell:

It basically means he wants us to "be one," but his version of "one" is for me to put on Team WH's uniform and play by WH's rules

That was the sense I was getting when he made his original list.

Anyone who can carry on with a LTA and look him/herself in the mirror day after day is innately selfish. It's going to take FOREVER to undo that.

Honest..... where are you?!?

As for me -more and more shit being shoveled my way. I don't even want to talk about it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((honest))))

((((allgood))))


((((nell))))

nell i wish i knew what to say, i get the sense that he is taking up space so to speak....dealing with nonsense because he really doesn't want to deal with anything of importance out of fear of failure....don't know why i feel that but i do....don't know if i am explaining myself well....it just seems strange that all of a sudden he comes up with something else and the something he comes up with is just well, way out there in the spectrum of needs that make you feel emotionally well....

eta: how did you manage not to say "wtf" or laugh uncontrollably at his attempt to be an active participant in your marriage...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:05 PM, December 18th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, ATS and Njgal

Thanks for posting here and keeping up with the rest of us. R seems so hopeless and/or stupid but I do see that you are happy so I appreciate that you continue to check on us.

Laura.

I'm glad my statements gave you hope. Please don't construe them as being related to marriage. I think that's a huge part of the point. I am married but I do not consider myself to be in R. I'm talking about me.

It's not a perfect process though. I still have really bad days. Fewer, but I have them.

Everyone likes to play "if I could turn back the clock..."

Well, you can't. Start thinking about what you're grateful for. What you enjoy. How you feel when you're with your WS and how you feel when your WS is gone. What you want to do in the future. What you'd do if your WS died. How would you feel if your WS died?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/cheating-wives-message-boards-1-2

You know, someone posted this in another forum and i read it. and it's fine. but I just think: you know, the pain I've been through, well, I just don't like the thought that it's been someone else's form of entertainment. It makes me feel like I'm victimizing myself by posting here. I do believe SI helps people. It's vital.

So, I guess this is what I want to say to whomever it is who is out there sniggering at my pain:

Love dies hard.

Feelings are not mirrors.

When your spouse is precious to you, when you trust them, when you believe you are building a life with this person, you give them the benefit of the doubt if you confront them on something that isn't quite right.

And you can actually love someone so much that you don't even realize that they've fallen out of love with you, if they ever even loved you at all.

Just because you may not have ever felt or experienced these things, it doesn't make them untrue.

Love dies hard.

So, you're welcome to find our pain pathetic, there's no way for me to stop that. I have no idea whether I'm pathetic or brave. Whether I'm too compassionate, or not compassionate enough. All I know is, I once loved my husband dearly and now I cannot for the life of me figure out how best to mitigate the damage that has been done.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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