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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: The narcissist spouse -- my friend described it perfectly.

"He's a great guy to have as a friend or a drinking buddy -- he's fun, he's funny, he likes to give presents or pick up the check to look rich and generous -- but he's a terrible husband; he's the most selfish person I've ever met. He doesn't care what you want or like AT ALL."

Maybe that will help, honest. They are so charming, seductive, etc. That it's hard to remember how awful they truly are when you're in the same room with them.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to hate him.

Good. We can put his picture on the generic brand douche box.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i am so so happy that your feelings toward this man are negative....it may just be the nudge you need to do what you gotta do...and i am with m3...get those ducks settled.....once the holidays are over though i don't think you need to put up with him the way you have been.....without telling him you want a divorce you may want to just let him know that you need distance and maybe a separation to help sort out all that you feel....and when he visits he could stay elsewhere or at the very least in a different bedroom....


m3: we all have our moments when we want the op's to eat crow....big horrible crow...there is something just so satisfying about it...


allgood: this party is reminding me of ukgirl and her ws's reunion....

and i think this week your ws takes the prize for stupidity....with honests ws taking the prize for total asshole....

any other prizes we would like to give out during this holiday season????



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest.

That toy or candy he is dangling in front of you is actually a bunch of crap. He has it wrapped in fake packaging.

m3.

Perfect description.

Nell.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

We were cross posting. What was that word I made up for cross posting. Please check that list of made up words that you were supposed to be keeping for me.

I will give out a prize. To you miracle. You win a prize for having those pretty blinking eyes.

Another prize will go to everyone here at the LTA house for being so awesome.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - thank you - thinking of you all.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... your douche bag isn't making any deposits into the ole love bucket... I so wish you those good feelings...

I can tell ya... I live a life of triggers about everyday and I think my W does too? Example.. so last night we watched Kate And Leopold, a Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman movie.. This was such a romanic movie and Hugh said this when Meg was being hit on by her boss.... Well, some feel that to court a woman in one's employ is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady to a whore. My stomach turned when I heard it... I called my wife a whore to her boss a few times. But the movie went on... not a word was said to a snuggle at the end of the night.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to hate him.
HOnest, use the energy from this to help you do what needs to be done in order to get free from this man.

m3 - Don't even think twice about wanting to rub OW's face in it. Girl, you're just doing what I don't have the ability to do! So let me live vicariously through you. I have no way of rubbing my FWH's AP's nose in it, so consider that you're doing the rest of us a favor. I'll just say thank you.

Had my 3rd IC session this morning with the "new" C. I really like her. She makes me feel so good about my insights into FWH. Of course that doesn't necessarily translate into his changing his behavior but it does make me feel like I'm not so stupid. She and I once again agreed that FWH needs to have a 3rd party reinforce what I've been telling him as he does not give me a lot of credit for being insightful. It's nice that someone does! Even if I have to pay her to say so!!

She is great about givng me concrete things to say and do. She even wrote down on a separate piece of paper one thing that we talked about my saying to FWH before we leave for a pre-holiday family vacation. I know that I would forget it, so she wrote it down!! I love that! Thank god she's in my corner. I feel stronger just knowing that she has my back.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, here's the rest:

H's original text from this am was as follows:
(Blah, blah, blah, nice stuff), "I don't know y I get so mad about not going to these things, but I see that I do. I also found myself thinking like the old me and saying maybe if I do the night shift (on the day of the party) I might be able to leave early and go to the party anyway. I don't want to do that or think that way. I don't want and will not do anything to hurt you again. I know you don't trust me but you can."

Now, I took that to mean he wasn't going to the party, but realized that I could just be delusional.

He knew I was happy about that text. A clear sign, if you ask me, that I did not know it meant he was going to the party.

Then, an hour later I get a text:
"I love you and want you to know that IF (emphasis added) I go I would not do anything to hurt you you."

Lots of love and attention initiated by him throughout the day, then, an hour ago, he says he thinks I'm avoiding discussing the party with him. When I told him I was still waiting for his decision, he told me that the above texts meant that he was going unless it would cause a huge problem between us.

A brief conversation ensued and he wanted to know what the consequences were going to be if he went. I told him I didn't know - I'm not going to divorce him, to which he replied "Well, that would be ridiculous".

YES, that would be what is ridiculous about this whole thing.

In his eyes, I should just trust him. He wants to go to the party and hang out with his friends and come home to me. He can't help it if OW is there. Simple.

I just needed to get that out before he gets here.

What's the worst that could happen - he sees OW and talks to her, feelings get re-ignited, etc. and they start up again. If he does, I will catch him sooner or later. Maybe he would be doing me a favor and putting me out of my misery.

Ooooo I wish I could drink tonight but I have to bring my son to a mandatory religious ed meeting which doesn't end until 9.

Thank you all for supporting my H's campaign for douchebag of the year. Maybe he can use some of the commercial endorsements to fund his child support.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 3:36 PM, December 16th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unless it would cause a huge problem between us
OMG!! Isn't this what you've been trying to tell him?? That going to this party WAS a huge problem for you?? And because of that he should not go! Not because HE thinks it will be a problem, but because YOU think it will be a problem. And it's a problem because OW will be there! Duh!!

he wanted to know what the consequences were going to be if he went.
This says to me that he's trying to manipulate you. He's like a two-year old trying to see how far he can get his hand into the cookie jar before you slap it. Don't get me wrong...I'm NOT saying that you are treating him like a child....I'm saying that he's actinglike a child. Sheesh!

[This message edited by strongish at 4:08 PM, December 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33
Do you do romantic things for her? Do you want to? Have you thought about trying to woo her back the way a WS would woo back a BS?

I tried before Dday but went too hard only to push her further away – she felt suffocated. Since our Wedding A I have been doing more of that but at a much much slower pace. As you stated – slow & steady wins the race. My wife does an Advent calendar with the children for Xmas so this year for the 12 days of Xmas she is receiving from me a small gift ( little knick knacky things I know she likes or special Xmas decorations). So far so good no push back . I had gotten out of the habit of buying flowers so have started that again but even better our garden is flourishing so I’m able to cut fresh flowers for her every other day. Its just little things (post it note on the fridge 1st thing in the morning etc) I do at the moment so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed….baby steps

I know you didn't have an A -- but you did emotionally abandon her. And you did it first. And she might not believe you when you say you didn't have an A -- she might simply believe you are denying it because you didn't get caught. She may, deep down, think of herself as a madhatter, which might increase the way she feels entitled to be in this other relationship
I very much own & acknowledge this issue.
This is something my IC wants me to explore – her feelings during this time & I intend to ask her over the holidays. I just need to keep my emotions in check when I do so. Throw in the fact that her father had multiple affairs before her parents divorced & he was born out of wedlock – major FOO issues which have been unaddressed – the feeling of entitlement becomes very valid.

To completely woo your WW away from MOM, you need to figure out what he's giving her that you are not. Then meet that need

This is one thing I haven’t figured out yet. Just way too many interlinking issues – FOO, work etc. I see the affair for what it is – it is not the problem but the action or outcome of many issues within our M & us as individuals. What I am trying to do is to make home a much better alternative to the affair. Again slow & steady – the really positive changes in her have only happened over the past 2.5 months.
I would love to take everyone on an extended holiday at the moment however she has created a very large credit card debt buying new clothes etc which I need to pay off very quickly. I’m looking at little day trips we can take as a family. The children have missed out quite a bit over the last few years so I’m really looking at broadening the experiences that we share as a family.
The feedback & support from the Tribe is awesome & I am grateful for the input.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 4:16 PM, December 16th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
Sorry that the movie cause you to trigger. Amazing, isn't it? Even after all this time and all this work...the triggers can still happen.
I'm the same way.

Honest- You need to do what is best for you!
Don't believe one word he says. He is incredibly selfish and wants it all.... he wants to keep you hanging on.... (funny, I just thought of that old Diana Ross song as I typed those words...do you remember it or was it before your time?)
Well, your husband wants to keep you in his side pocket. he does not want to see you happy. He definitely does not want to see you dating other men or having fun or traveling with girlfriends. He probably doesn't really want to see you get a job . He definitely does not want to see you becoming independent. He wants to control all the people in his life.
He controls his other wife through money. He tries to control his children.
He wants you here in the US and the OW and OC in his country. He wants his cake and eat it too.
So, he dangles things in front of you-that he will put the house in your name-meanwhile he owes more on the house than it is worth! So, he's not doing you any favors.
He is a selfish sneak. Don't trust him. Protect yourself and your children.
Surround yourself by people who love you. Try to stay busy and far away him while he is here. Do nice things for yourself.
If he asks what you need...tell him to pay for a spa day for you!
I will keep you in my prayers.


Allgood-
NC is NC! Going to a party where he knows the OW will be is breaking NC.
It should not even be under consideration.
He is being selfish and completely insensitive.It doesn't seem like he 'gets' how huge the affair was!

How would he feel if you had and affair with a co-worker? and now, wanted to attend a party where this former affair partner would be?and... you did not want your husband to attend?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he's gone to the party.
I told him I'd feel better if we talked before he went & he told me I shouldn't be worried, etc. I told him anyone in my position would be completely within her rights to say you're not going. So, he said he won't go, but in the same way it's been all week -pissed off and annoyed. I told him to go. (Now, I'm not taking any blame for this, because it was his decision to go, not mine, I just didn't exercise any veto power. I liken it to a forced confession. I've been beat down by his bullshit all week and I'm just done. I'm not dealing with his damn attitude and sulking when he doesn't get what he wants. I just don't have the energy.)
I asked him if he understood why I'd be worried and he said yes, but I shouldn't be. There will be 200 people there and he will go out of his way to avoid her.

NJGal: I've done the "what if the roles were reversed" talk with him many a time. It's get shut down real quick because he wouldn't even try to reconcile.

Thank you everyone for making me realize that it's him, not me. It's really keeping me calm, tho I know I won't sleep tonight.


So, yes, my H is selfish. No change there. My H cannot put my need for safety and security ahead of his need for fun. What a guy.

This will be a great topic of conversation at MC next week.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:18 PM, December 16th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
I'm not quite sure what to do with the rage I'm feeling on your behalf. Now what? What do you need? What can we do?
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((ALLGOOD)))))))))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((agng))) I feel for you tonight. God knows we've all been there. You think that things are getting easier and then the a$$ does something stupid that brings you right down again. Hang in there!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Allgood))))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checkin in. I'm still calm. I'm sure that has everything to do with the fact that my H has been calling/texting me on an hourly basis and so far she hasn't arrived.
I'm not going to get myhopes up. I go thru this very often at work - I sit in court - thinking the other person isnt going to show up & the case will get dismissed and in they walk 10 minutes before "last call".
So, I'm ok. I still think she's going to show up. But, for now, I'm ok. I'm not even anxious.

Thank you everyone for your support - Nell - I love that you feel rage on my behalf. I know exactly what you mean because I used to get very worked up over Mr. DisHonest's behavior.

I'm going to bed now.
Night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Allgood}}}}}
Now I'm angry for you!! He's acting so childish!! I think he really thinks you gave him permission!! I'm so sorry.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33
Forgot to say that WW gets a 3 course breakfast in bed every Sunday - is that worth extra brownie points?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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