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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know I've mentioned this book before: Living Through a Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns.

But, I just watched the PBS show of hers again last week (it was on TV months ago but I had taped it).
I really thought she had a wonderful message for all of us.

She is a therapist and she saw many people in her practice that were dealing with a huge personal crisis in their lives.
And she realized that they basically fell into 3 categories:

1/3 Were permanently broken by the crisis.

1/3 Went through the grief and healing process and eventually regained lost ground

but 1/3 Were' triumphant survivors'!

That last group is who she began to study to find out how they triumphed over extreme difficulties and is what her book is all about.

That is what I hope for all of us on LTA. Whatever your decision is about the marriage...my hope is that we will not let this experience destroy us and that we will be triumphant survivors.

Here is a short clip of hers from Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq-Ao9_nV5Y


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm losing it today....why? I have no idea why some days I can function fairly well and others, like today, where I'm fighting the tears all day long. I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin! Can't sit still, but I feel so tired....I'm already so tired of this roller coaster and yet it's moving so fast I can't get off. How many tears can I cry??

I hate this time of year....the expectations are so huge and I always feel like I'm coming up short. The shopping has been easier this year because I couldn't care less what I get for most of those I buy for. Who cares that I got MIL purse last year?? Not me! She gets another one this year. The Grinch must have been based on me.

Then, there has to be real and immediate remorse from the WS and a real willingness to do anything....anything to save the marriage.
Tribe,
my FWH says he is sorry and I believe he really is but he does not have the ability to empathize and thus is unable to appreciate how devastated I feel. The IC told me that he probably will never be able to feel the pain that I feel. But that's what I want! I have tried so many things to try and wake him up to how serious the situation is, but he either can't or won't show real willingness to do anythingto save our M. He will tell you that he is willing to do anything....but when push comes to shove, he wants me to TELL him what to do, i.e. if he should quit his master's program, should he quit at least one of his full-time jobs that require him to travel, etc. I have to ask for everything and he will give it but I hate that I have to make a big deal about it first. Is this passive-aggressive?? Or am I over-simplifying things?

And I can't tell if he feels true remorse or if he just regrets that I got hurt. He back-pedaled last week on the lying issue. (He insists that he never lied to me as he would have told me that he had a GF if I had asked! ) Two days ago he admitted that he really does think that my sadness is something I could change if I really wanted to. So....is there still hope? He's not really in the fog so much, he will admit that he screwed up big time, but he still wants to minimize the 4 year A, followed up by 2 ONS. Give me some words to help me convince him that I'm dying inside and that he is seriously at risk of losing me.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you have wrestled with this before...that there are a number of things that you want and need from your husband to help you in your recovery...but, you do not want to have to tell him.

You want him to do it on his own.
I get that...it would be much more meaningful if he did it on his own without any prodding.
But, isn't the important thing....that he does it?
That he makes the changes in his job that would allow him to travel less? or whatever other things that you would like to see happen?

Women are the ones that have that intuition and typically are more sensitive when it comes to reading non verbal signals,etc....men are very, very concrete.
And, for what its worth...in my opinion, I think you should just come out and tell him what you want and need.
My husband made a lot of changes after d-day but, I am certain that many of the ideas came from his IC or from things he heard in AA meetings etc.
That doesn't make the changes less valuable.

I also told him what I needed for R. (we were separated for 6 months). And, he was pressing to move back home right around our 30th wedding anniversary date.
I came up with the idea of how I wanted to handle that. I wanted to somehow save my wedding anniversary. I did not want to mourn my marriage every year. So, I came up with the idea of having a recomitment ceremony.And, I even suggested the place that we should go for our anniversary weekend (it was a B&B that held good memories for me-pre affair years etc.)
So... yeah.. my husband did not come up with any of these ideas. But, it was what I needed. And it worked. When my anniversary comes around now...the thing that I think of is that weekend in 2007....not our original wedding date and how tainted it all was, etc.
So, eventhough, I was the driving force behind this very pivotal occasion I did not feel slighted.I do not think that it took away from the events. My husband was more than happy (ecstatic really)to go along with my plan and he was really grateful that I wanted to R.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal - I really appreciate your taking the time to help me out and give me another perspective. But what about when I DO tell him what I want/need? I have told him over and over that I need for him to show that he sees/knows that I am giving him a second chance; that I don't HAVE to R, a little gratitude that I haven't kicked his a$$ to the curb would be appreciated. Instead, I get his attitude of "Aren't I allowed one misteake?" and "It was only about 50 times that I could have been with her." Seriously....is he kidding me? The only time he tells me that he's grateful that I'm still here is when I specifically ask him. Otherwise he wants "credit" for the fact that he broke off the A before I found out about it..."Doesn't that count for anything?" I told him that that's the only reason I'm even willing to talk about R.

I basically forced his hand two months ago and had him cancel a trip and take me away for two nights. We had a good time (lots of HB) and on the way home he said that we should do this every month. So I told him that it was important to me that he plan it, make arrangements for the dog and DS17. Well, nothing has happened but then last week he says that he remembers that we were going to go away once/quarter and he's going to work on that. I'm thinking....no, it was supposed to be EVERY MONTH and he's changing it because he knows he hasn't done anything about it. (Curiously, this conversation happened right after one of his IC sessions and at my session preceding his I had told the C how disappointed I was about this.) I feel like he's trying to make everything better with the minimal fuss to his life. I specifically told him that I want him to "win me back." Now, there's a book with that exact title that he could find with very little research and he is on Amazon at least weekly to buy books for his master's program. But instead he asks me again why the flowers aren't enough? He's not self-motivated to fix himself...he sees me as the problem. The REAL problem is that I can't get over it. He's very patient with me, but I truly feel like that's the crux of the matter for him. There's never any talk about what he's doing personally to see how he ever could have thought that having an A was okay. You don't even want to know that idiocy that he brings up when I ask him when he ever got the idea that I woulnd't "mind" if he had sex with another woman. It's a joke.

His flight gets in in about an hour. Thankfully DS is out for the night and the Xanax has kicked in. We need to have a talk tonight and it may not be pretty. He hates coming home and having to "talk" but seriously he's gone 5-6 nights/week. It used to be that I was anxious when he was gone...now I'm anxious when he comes home. And this was my best friend in the world.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
Are you guys in MC?
I think that all of your concerns are justified and MC sessions might be the perfect place to bring them up. Having a third party there could help your husband see that his off hand remarks may be his way of coping but it makes you feel as if he is minimizing the LTA and dismissing your feelings.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal.

Men are concrete? I just always thought we were simple.

strongish.

You are fighting two different problems. It seems that most WSs male or female try to make the A a little mistake and like to take credit and make a big deal if they do anything right. They want to blameshift and make you the problem. You are also fighting against the simple/concrete mind of a man. Even in more normal situations us guys do not have a very good track record when it comes to understanding what is going on with you girls.

Tribe. Mrs Dip is out of town to check on a close family member who had surgery yesterday. That is right. Old Dip is on his own! Saturday night and here he is on the computer. I am a old fart for sure. I did need the rest though.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t have time to catch up, but just wanted to say about the HS Reunion Dinner With Ex-gf’s that was taking place on Friday when H was going to stay over in London for the night……….. it didn’t happen. The weather was so bad that H cancelled. Unfortunately, my weekend helping a friend move also got cancelled. But I’m glad that the weather intervened in our plans which meant the whole thing did not have to become “An Issue”.

Gotta run. Hugs to y'all.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stongish - I'm battling just about the same thing you are. My H is a rug sweeper. He doesn't want to talk about the A. I too want him to know how much this hurts me but it will never happen. He has no empathy for anybody but himself and this is nothing new.

I have lived this way with him for 34 years. Dday was 6/09....I caught him. He immediately threw OW under the bus after a 12 yr LTA. I know it would still be going on if I didn't catch him. So that in itself is extremely hurtful.

We were in MC and he is in IC. Nothing has changed and I doubt it will. He just wants to move on, with minimul effort on his part as though nothing ever happened.

I either have to decide to accept that this is the best he has to offer or leave the M. It's so damn confusing and frustrating. I know what you are going through.

When my H is out of the house, it's peaceful. I get all tense and stressed out when I know he is on his way home. I hate walking on egg shells. He has not spoken to me in 5 days because he wants sex and doesn't feel he is getting it enough. It's his way of punishing me until I give in. I have spoken to him numerous times about how this kind of behavior doesn't work but I guess a tigers stripes just never change. He doesn't get it and never will.

It hasn't been that long for you. Maybe IC and continued communication will help him see the light. I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly. It stinks.

(((((strongish)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: Just curious how MC has been going for you since our H's personalities are so similar, I wanted to know what to expect.

(Had written a whole bunch more, but little miss princess needed to reach over the keyboard to grab a candy cane and erased the whole thing.)

Gist of it was for me to truly move on in mycase, I think I need to accept that this will never be a "you and me baby against the world" kind of relationship; rather, it will be very superficial.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Are you saying thatyou will never have that 'you and me against the world marriage' because you do not think that YOU wil ever be able to let down your guard enough for it to become a real partnership again?
or are you saying that you have realized that your husband is so selfish and/or narcissistic that he is not capable of putting you, your needs, your children, the marriage before his own needs? and that you just have to deal with that realization?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal- it's the latter, tho I don't believe my H is narcisstic.
I just think that this is who he was - it was just not apparent to me before or maybe it only became a problem when we had to stop focusing on us and putting our children's needs ahead of our own - given the fact that we have had little kids throughout our marriage for the most part.
I think in his head he really does believe his family is his priority, but I think the day to day actions show it's not really what makes him happy.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:15 AM, December 5th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Responding in general instead of to individuals.

MC serves as a place where we discuss our marriage, and where WH hears that he's acting like an asshole from a detached third party. Between times, WH does very little (though he insists that he's THINKING alot about it, but apparently it's the same thought circling incessantly because when he shows/tells me what he's been thinking it takes all of three minutes to get from beginning to end, and that includes restating everything three or four times). It's helpful for me to see that, no, this is NOT acceptable from a detached third party. Guess what: I'm not the problem!

WH would like to just pretend that he's Mr. Wonderful Husband and not think about anything (himself, his boundaries, what he can do to EARN my trust, our marriage, etc.) but just do stuff around the house and then point them out. SEE? I DID THIS FOR YOU. I'M GOOD.

He has pretty words at the ready but they are not connected to fact. I do not believe anything he says and may never believe anything he says. He seems unwilling to prove himself. It's too much work. He seems unwilling to make any changes. He is who he is and dammit if a group of men and women are talking about blowjobs then he will talk about blowjobs as well (just in general terms, you know, not about his personal blowjob experiences) because it's his freedom of speech and he doesn't believe in censorship. (Yes. Actual conversation.)

He will react with defensiveness to anything I say, not give me what I need, then hug me and say he's so glad I opened up to him. AS if making him happy is what this is all about and he has no obligation to make me happy.

I'm done with "doing" the soft 180. I'm making it a part of my life. If I continue this relationship, it will be me taking care of myself for the rest of my life, and WH coming along when he feels like it and not being missed when he doesn't feel like it.

Okay, one response. UKgirl, I'm glad Mother Nature took care of your husband's problem. Maybe next time he'll take care of it himself.

Hugs to the tribe. I'm out.

ETA: I'm out for today. I'm not slamming the door shut and moving to Tahiti. (Though that sounds good.)

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 11:45 AM, December 5th (Sunday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong:

my FWH says he is sorry and I believe he really is but he does not have the ability to empathize and thus is unable to appreciate how devastated I feel. The IC told me that he probably will never be able to feel the pain that I feel. But that's what I want!

as much as we all want them to feel the pain, really really feel the pain we feel...its impossible...there is not a single ws who can ever have that same devastation, not even when there is a revenge affair.....thats because blind trust is shattered from the intial betrayal, that intial betrayal trumps every betrayal that follows....and for us bs's when betrayal upon betrayal is basically heaved unto us the wound is deep and it means that we will never be the same...does not mean that we will not be happy again though and that is really important to keep in mind, and even more important for all of us to work on....

so the first step for you i think would be to accept that he will never feel that pain....can he understand and empathize,...to a certain extent i hope so....because until you feel that "he gets it" you will not be able to move forward...and that is where a good therapist comes into play...

our ws's are difficient human beings, to be able to carry on with a lta there are some sever dificiencies...huge hole within them that need filling...and until they "heal"themselves from this hole these dificiencies will remain.....


and strong your husband needs to own his shit, which seems to be a problem for most of our ws's......i find that so sad too, because they will be so much better off within their own skins for it too......

the bottom line for alot of our ws's is that they don't want to lose anything they have...they don't want to give up their lives, they don't want to give up their extra curriculars...so most of them will not offer to do so willingly...and because they are so deficient in the first place they do not see what is so clear to us....

our ws's, or most of them...do not want to discuss it anymore if ever did....i can understand this to a certain extent..afterall who really wants to hear about all they did wrong, over and over and over...it begins to feel like a life sentence....for us though we need it to feel that they get it.....it becomes a catch 22, damned if they do and damned if we do......

i do still believe though that if one brings up that they are just having a rough time with some triggers without going into details that the ws needs and should be open.....burying these feeling will only build resentments otherwise, not to mention put you in a place emotionally where you cannot heal....and ultimately we all need to heal, bs and ws alike.....it is really the same goal...its how we get to the goal that seems to be the issue......

dd needs the pc so i must go for now, i will come back later to ramble some more maybe....i hope i made some sense, not sure if i do...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. Thanks for the support and words of wisdome. It helps more than you know.

Yes, we're in MC. We started out seeing a MC together and then she started seeing us separately. After 4+ months what she and I basically came to was that the A wasn't about me and that FWH would probably never be able to meet my needs emotionally. We had a joint session just before Thanksgiving where at one point both FWH and the MC were sitting and looking at me for the answer on what
FWN needed to do to make me feel better. She also said, in front of FWH that it was unrealistic to think that he would tell me about the A either during of after it was over. I feel like she basically put a rubber stamp on his lying to me. He now keeps saying that back to me...

So, this past week I started with a new IC. She told me that it was way too soon for me to be in a place where I could control my feelings, that I was still in shock. In one session she gave me to specific things to work with to help me feel less trapped.

So...the dreaded confrontation last night was the worst yet. Although I did try, I know I did not do a very good job of tempering my anger. Some background....I started the day yesterday giving blood at our local blood bank. I do this every few months and have for years. So, yesterday was the first time since DDay that I've given blood and one of the questions that they ask is whether I have had unprotected sex with someone that has used drugs, etc. Well, I have never even had to think about how to answer that before. I've only had one sexual partner in 28 years and the same with that partner, right? But no....now I have to think about how FWH had unprotected sex with OW, in an on-again/off-again relationship. How does he (and so that means me too!) know who SHE has had sex with between seeing him! He doesn't!! So I told him last night why I was in such a snit. He risked MY LIFE without my consent!! I was pretty irate. He said that he was "almost 100% confident" that she wasn't having sex with anyone else. It gets better...then he says...."Well, I was right, wasn't I?" since neither of us has tested positive for HIV.

If you can believe it, the conversation went downhill from there. FWH said that he thinks I am holding on to my anger at the expense of my M, my kids and my health. I tried to explain that the anger and rage I was feeling was justified. I said, don't you see that the problem/A is bigger than if he had just painted the house the wrong color? He said that he really did think that that's about how serious of a problem it is...paint color. I left the house in tears, screaming at him to keep away from me and went to my sister's house and cried on her shoulder for a couple of hours. I came back some time later and slept upstairs.

I told him this morning that he is losing me and he replied that I was losing him. I guess that makes us both losers.

Took him to the airport (yep, he was home <24 hours) and on the way I asked him if he still felt the same way as he did last night. He was sorry but that what I heard was not what he was saying. He said that he was sorry for hurting me, but I have to push to get him to specify what parts he's sorry for, what words he said that he is sorry for, etc. So, here I am...another 5 days of trying to keep it together until my next IC session this week. We agreed to put off a decision about S until January but it weighs heavily on my mind. How did my life get so messed up?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Strongish}}}}
He is blameshifting. My WH said the same to me that I was pushing him away. I told him that he pushed be away 1000's of miles and his answer was that I was going to push the last 100 feet!!!!

Call up your IC. Most of them will call you back and talk to you for a few minutes to help you until you see them again.

I agree that you guys need to see a MC that has experience in affairs, esp LTA. LTA is a whole different entity.

Your anger is justified. Vent in a journal when you can't talk to someone IRL. I read a suggestion that helped me on the very hard days: when you are so upset or angry allow yourself 5-10 minutes to journal to get your anger out. If you need more, take it. Then go on with whatever you were doing. If you trigger again, write again, even if it's only been a few minutes.

Vent here as much as you need. So many of the wonderful tribe here have literally saved my life.

Remember, no matter what your WH says, LTA=Long time recovery.

{{{{{Strongish}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm losing it today....why? I have no idea why some days I can function fairly well and others, like today, where I'm fighting the tears all day long. I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin! Can't sit still, but I feel so tired.

(((Strongish)))) I understand. Same thing happening here. Also not sure if it is regret or remorse. I question a lot and make sure that I always let my WH know that I am not sure which way I will go with R. He has no excuses to not lay everything out on the table. If he doesn't, and if he gets defensive or lies anymore, there is no reason for me to R with him, nor would I want to.

It is not a threat to keep him on his toes, it is the truth, I do not know what I will do at this point. So I think it would be ok to tell yours how you feel.

Do not give him false hope because that is something they would have done to us, and I will not be anything but honest with my WH.


I told him this morning that he is losing me and he replied that I was losing him

Well isn't he being remorseful and supportive...

(((hugs))) I am so very sorry.


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I felt MC was a waste of my time. I quit after 6 months. My H continued with the MC alone. It was a condition of mine and now he tells me he feels better going. I think he's lying to me because instead of going regularly, he has not gone in over one month. He tends to tell me what he thinks I want to hear.

It will never be "you and me against the world baby". I always thought that was us...but now I know better. My H thinks his family comes first, he actually has himself convinced. He even believes his own lies. Nothing comes first but him. He is unhappy about everything and the stupid ass has EVERYTHING.

I've been noticing that he turns conversations around to suit himself. He will say something, or speak to someone and when I call him on it, or question it, he tells me a.)he never said it, b)I must be mistaken, and will argue with me about how wrong I am until I can't take it anymore and I walk away. There are 2 reasons that I can see for this kind of behavior.
1.) He is getting alzheimers and has lost his short term memory.
2.) He is a manipulating and controling liar.

I think I'm just rambling now...sorry.

This morning, I was alone in the house. I was baking and my son came over to see me. He happened to catch me crying. I was having an alone time meltdown. Out of the blue my DS25 said to me...don't worry mom, dad will die before you and then you will have some peace.

Even adult kids are affected by their parents A and it sickens me to the core.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nofun))) Kids really are smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for. I can't hug my older two tonight, so give your DS an extra hug for me, would you?

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Don't have a lot of time. Work is crazy at present. Should see the light at the end of the tunnel in a few days - if I can find my way through it all- I've missed so many deadlines in the last week I keep expecting the boss to lose it with me.

njgal

I watched the clip and she looks interesting. Will order the book. Thanks

Strong

FWH says he is sorry and I believe he really is but he does not have the ability to empathize and thus is unable to appreciate how devastated I feel. The IC told me that he probably will never be able to feel the pain that I feel.

Ditto here .... and I think for most of us on SI LTA

njgal

My H and I will be married 30 yrs in 2 yrs time (if we make it). I've actually thought about renewing our vows. I even tried on my wedding dress and will fit into it (NOW!!!) with a few minor alterations. I've told myself that if we make it to 30 yrs we will do this. I hope that when (if) the time comes he will mean what he says!!!

Dip

Mrs Dip is out of town ....I did need the rest though.

Sounds to me (from your last post) that you have earnt a rest!!!

UKgirl

I’m glad that the weather intervened in our plans which meant the whole thing did not have to become “An Issue”.

I'm glad for you too. We have so much to deal with we don't need these extra stresses.

Fun

I know it would still be going on if I didn't catch him. So that in itself is extremely hurtful.

Same here. I caught my H. Like me I'd bet you wished he had confessed. At least then we'd know that stopping was his choice. Mine said he was "going to break it off" soon. Bullshit!!! Why would he? He fucked her two nights in a row (while I was away) and then came home and wanted me!!! Lies, lies and more lies!!! Sorry people - mini vent here.

Njgal

your husband is so selfish and/or narcissistic that he is not capable of putting you, your needs, your children, the marriage before his own needs? and that you just have to deal with that realization?

I think I recognise me here!!! H doesn't see himself this way though.

Fun

This morning, I was alone in the house. I was baking and my son came over to see me. He happened to catch me crying. I was having an alone time meltdown. Out of the blue my DS25 said to me...don't worry mom, dad will die before you and then you will have some peace.

You have a very sweet and clever son - truly a reflection of his mum. HUGS honey.

Love to all
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun:
Idk what to say.
(Now I sound like a WS, lol.)
Anyhoo, that's what I suspected about MC, but I'm going to try again. We'll see.
Totally relate to their twisting around conversations - even about non-A things. There are a few times I've caught my H doing this & it even got to the point where I said - ok everything goes in writing now - anything of substance will be discussed via text.
Sometimes, I just need to remind myself that it's him, not me & walk away, like you said.
I wonder why you are staying in R? It seems like you've given up on your H, but I know not so long ago you were keeping a journal for your "new memories", etc and were sounding more positive. Maybe you are just starting to lose hope? Idk. Not that it matters - obviously I'm guilty of the same thing- my head is screaming at me to leave, but I can't pull the trigger. But, I've always thought it was the bigger picture that kept me here - the kids, etc. He would still be a part of my daily life for the rest of our lives most likely given the age of our youngest. But, with you, it seems like your kids think you are better off without him, as does your family, your self-supporting, etc. Idk - total ramble - not meant to be critical - I just can't wrap my head around where you are and I don't like to hear that you are crying.

Aight - got to go or one of my kids will be going to school without socks or lunch or something...
Later y'all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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