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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so flat with no emotions. I just don't care what happens to FWH. I hope God will forgive me for the horrid thoughts that go through my mind. I feel guilty for thinking them. H is going in for his cancer check next week and 2 times now he has had horrible chest pains with pain in his jaw and has refused to go to the doctor to have it checked out.

And here I sit hoping he has a massive heart attack and goes quick. I told him tonight that if he is going to die make sure he does it at work because I don't want to see it. How mean and horrible can I get?

The anger scares me....I probably should get back in counseling. Because this is not who I am....what the hell has happened to me?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been forever and a day since I have posted here and it just makes me feel like saying... get on with life! Perhaps it's my age, or it's just me... who I am, but I want to say... enough...!!

Lets just forget about our WS for the moment and focus on us. Our wants, our needs, who we are!! Each of us is special, UNIQUE, one of a kind!! What is it we really want and does it center on our WS or does it center on us?

We are headed into the Christmas season. It is suppose to be filled with family and love. And yet I read about BS that are taking on the weight of the A and carrying that weight around every day.

Our WS made their own choices and decisions, and we really had no say in what they did. We are notresponsible for what they chose to do!!

Not that I didn't have a hand in things, but that doesn't mean that my H could choose to just have an A and then live his life in 2 parts!

I guess what I am saying is what I am always saying... to
anyone that will listen! Life is MESSY and IMPERFECT! Love is not easy , or perfect or what we thought it would be... it is what it is and we either live with what is or move on!

I am not an uncaring person, I actually care alot --- about myself, my kids, my friends, my life. and people in general... but we are the captain of our own choices and destiny!

My H made some awful choices and decisions, but he has changed, atoned and continues to change and evolve into the H that I love now more than I ever thought!

My wish, hope, prayer, is that everyone finds hope and belives that life will change and get better--- happier! It may be with their WS or without!

Happiness is witin reach for all of us. Life is to be treasured!

May this upcoming Holiday season bring joy to all!

When I wake each day and I am healthy and able to work, care for those I love. then I am happy... satisfied!!

Having my FWS at my side to share my days is a miracle and a blessing for both of us and our family!

I hope and I pray that everyone will find some peace and move on with happiness in their heart! With or without their WS!!

Choose life always!!

We are NOT defined by anyone else ever!

Stand strong and be happy!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello tribe....

quite the busy bunch today...welcome to the newbie.....and welcome back to some oldies...

lovin...as always, you are a ray of sunshine..proof positive that life does indeed go on with happiness to be gotten....perfect time of year to hear it...

as for getting hit on....i highly reccommend it..i have been hit on several times quite recently and i have to admit it does the ego really really good...


the big o on penetration....yup for me, actually a big yup for me on this one...my fave way to reach the "o"...but if my mind is not in it, no amount of anything is going to make that "o" happen....yes we women, at least most of us need to be in it with more then just our bodies....


sex to women and men are 2 different entities....a couple of pages back someone said perfectly, i think it was m3....i am too tired to look for it..someone hopefully will help me out on this one...


trust: i do think you can learn to trust your ws again, never that blind unconditional trust, but a trust that earned by action, continued action...

unconditional love: i did give that once upon a time....now that is dead, never to rise like jesus..

and fun i still wish pfm died or will die, almost daily....and yet i want to be able to forgive him too, for that will be the true way for me to move on and be healed....but til i get to that point...well,


must get some sleep now, eyes are way too droopy...good nite


(((((tribe))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me so long to catch up and I didn't take notes!

Tryn: Thank you for your post about a man's perspective about making love. I never really thought about it like that. For me, the marriage was the cake and sex was the icing KWIM? Something extra that was great. I know not everyone feels the same way, and I really liked how you explained it in your post.

I am sorry to say, but the BS will NEVER get over it. My first xWH cheated on me 22 years ago, and it still hurts if I think about it too much. It's an old wound and this new betrayal opened up that old wound and the pain is one on top of the other.

Whether or not you are with your WS or not, you still have to heal, so if you D, the pain doesn't go away. It took me years to forgive xWH in my heart and he didn't have a LTA. There is a huge differnence between a short term affair and a LTA!!

One other thing I just realized these past few days. It's hard for children to heal from the D of their parents. I know it took me a long time from my parents. DS 35 is still angry with his father for the A. It dawned on me that my poor DS 15 (and DS 12) are not only going through the pain because WH told them about OW and OC's. DS 15 said something like , "Daddy is not here, he's over there with THEM" DS is going through a betrayal as deep as mine!! It's not just that Daddy left, Daddy had another family while married to Mommy and kept them a secret and is now spending most of his time with them! WH comes here and then goes shopping for himself and THEM.

WH doesn't get it. Doesn't get that it hurts the DS's. I wish I could have NC, but can't because of the kids.

Trust. With the LTA, it's hard to trust ANYTHING they say or do. They've lied for so long. Lived another life. With xWH, I did trust him in other areas of life (money, etc) because it wasn't a LTA and he proved himself "trustworthy" financially, etc.

It's sad, but a fact that it would be very hard to trust again. Something we have to decide whether of not to accept.

I had a friend once who couldn't keep a secret. It was just the way she was, she would let it slip because she talked so much. The old saying: different modes of communication: tele phone, telegraph and Tell terry. I just accepted that was the way she was and decided never to tell her anything I didn't want to get around to anyone else. But this is minor. Not trusting our WS to not be unfaithful is a huge thing.

Maybe we cannot give all our love again unless they prove to us that they can be trustworthy with our hearts?

All I do know is that we cannot fix what was broken. We have to make a new relationship. What kind of relationship that will be depends on both the BS and the WS. There is a lot of pain to contend with and even after all your hard work, it may be a reliazation that this is not what you want. Maybe WS hasn't done the work that is required, or wouldn't go to IC. That is probably the hardest decision to make after all the time and effort. But it would not be a wasted time. It would be a time for growth and healing on your part. And forgiveness.....for yourself. To forgive yourself for being human and realizing you have grown and are better than before.

Hugs to each and every one of the angels on LTA. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please include me in yours. Having a tough time with the acceptance phase lately and am just plain mouring and grieving.


{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Honest


I'm hoping they will come onto me just so I can (a) get a buzz from it (cause my self esteem is injured and I want then to find me attractive) and (b) slap them down and tell them what a POS they are for coming onto a married woman and/or cheating on their Ws. That's a little screwed up isn't it?


Not to me. Honestly, I thought this was hysterical.
I'll be chuckling for the rest of the day over this.

Glad I gave you a laugh.

Nell

I have this twisted, detatched interest in what WH is going to do next.

I am going through a numb phase and also feel a bit like this.

M334455

I used to feel like this, but now I totally disagree. What I've learned, both IRL and on SI in this past year is that there really, truly are trustworthy people. My WH just isn't one of them.

Thanks for this. I guess sometimes we become so bound up in where we are in this shitty situation that we lose perspective. It is so helpful to have someone like you sharing your thoughts and insights. Of course you are right. Look at ats, tryn, dip, dp and so many others. Good men suffering like us. I apologise most sincerely to them if they were offended by what I said.

UKgirl

Nell – unconditional love is gone. That’s it really. Unconditional means he can go and fuck whoever he wants and you will still love him. Uh, no. Not gonna happen. He stepped over the line – waaay over the line, beyond the pale and out of sight. From now on, you will love him as long as he doesn’t do x-y-z.

ME TOO!!!.... I think ..... still trying to get my head around the love bit

lostsuol

I didn't even get dressed today (it's 4p)Since being home I've been so tired and I have so many things to do I don't know where to start

Hi honey.This was me on weekends BEFORE I found out about LTAs. I think I was so miserable cause he was such an arsehole to me, I was depressed. After I found out and found SI (and the great advice here) I really tried to pull myself together. I now get up, shower, put on my face EVERY DAY including weekends. Try to do this love - it will make you feel better about yourself and maybe help you get on with those jobs. I know It's really hard but worth it.

want-it-2-b-ok

Hi. I'm a newbie. I read your profile but don't know your full story. I really liked the poem.

Strong

So, today she says that a LTA is a different kind of infidelity that is much harder to overcome.

I keep thinking I wish I had some experience with this. Now that is a silly thing to say!!! I just never considered he'd do it. I feel like such a fool. 16 yrs for God's sake. Why didn't I see something!!!! I guess I really do have an excuse to be so upset. He's so remorseful now I keep thinking that if I hadn't been so blind and had found out years ago I would be either D or over it by now!!!!! I just don't want to keep going through this shit!!!

S & N

Hadn't thought of it this way. I guess I have to beware of getting bitter and thinking all men cannot be trusted because I cannot possibly know that.

Both my brother and SIL who married last year (victims of WSs) took 10 years to find each other. Mostly because they both felt they could never trust again. I saw my B's bitterness and kept telling him to snap out of it. Wasn't I an arrogant bitch!!!!

Fun

The anger scares me....I probably should get back in counseling. Because this is not who I am....what the hell has happened to me?

I can FEEL your pain honey. I wish I had an answer for you. You are who you've always been - a good trusting woman. Your anger is just a reflection of your hurt. BIG cyberhugs.

Lovin

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU. I need hope. I really do and people like you and M334455 give it to me. I want to love and trust my husband again but at present it feels like a pipe dream - an impossibility. We need people like you to remind us that it is possible even though we are stuck in the depths of despair and can't imagine it ever happening.

Miracle

as for getting hit on....i highly reccommend it..i have been hit on several times quite recently and i have to admit it does the ego really really good...

I always suspected you were a hot lady. Good for you!! After shedding my 30+lbs I look heaps better . I've also bought lots of new clothes- anything to boost the ego. Since Dday H takes me out once a week for dinner and I always wear something a little provocative. Hasn't worked for me yet (I haven't been hit on) but I live in hope

the big o on penetration....yup for me, actually a big yup for me on this one...my fave way to reach the "o"...but if my mind is not in it, no amount of anything is going to make that "o" happen....yes we women, at least most of us need to be in it with more then just our bodies....

ME TOO. My head MUST be in it or it won't work. But at present I have to block him out and just feel. As soon as I register I'm with him I start thinking about OWs and I lose it. Hope this doesn't go on for too long.

and fun i still wish pfm died or will die, almost daily....and yet i want to be able to forgive him too,

I think most of us feel this way.

Honest

All I do know is that we cannot fix what was broken. We have to make a new relationship.

Yes. I suppose the pain comes from mourning the relationship that has died ( or really never was!!???). For me this is the biggest problem. We have been married for 28yrs and he's been screwing OWs for 16. So what I thought we had didn't exist! Now I have to try to nurture the new relationship. Problem is that for me the pain stops me from trusting in the new one!!

Another long mmissive tribe. Sorry but this is the only way i can do it cause our times are so different.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uk? Did you want something to be wrong with you to be the reason? Or were you looking to fix whatever it was?
It just bugs me. She was not more attractive than me. She was a very ordinary middle-aged frump. He wrote a “love letter” to me within weeks of starting his LTA. Then he added to it (it was on disk) a couple of times over a year. And he said things like I was a very attractive woman and always had been, he watched the forty-something people around him letting themselves fall apart and realized how fortunate he was. That I looked great. That he loved the clothes I wore and how I looked in them. So if I was so fucking ”great” and such a great mum, wife, friend, cook, organiser, blah, blah, why did he feel the need to find out if he should have married is ex-gf rather than me? Why plan a future with her if I was so “great”? It makes me feel the exact opposite of what he is saying. In an attempt to make me see it was nothing to do with me, he even said I was such a “beacon of virtue” it made him resentful because it made his fall from grace so much worse and so he pushed me further and further away. If he could cite a fault (of which I have many, I’m sure) in me that turned him off, I would have something to hold onto, something I could fix in myself. The fact is (I suppose), the fault was in him. And I find that very hard to process. Esp when people on SI say you are 50% responsible for the M. There was nothing wrong with our M, it was him and his unresolved issues from before he met me.

Wow. That went on a bit. I’ve been stuck in cos of the snow (H mad it home last night) and probably examining my belly button too much. Think I’d better take a break and come back later……………


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact is (I suppose), the fault was in him. And I find that very hard to process. Esp when people on SI say you are 50% responsible for the M. There was nothing wrong with our M, it was him

ukgirl - i feel the same. There was nothing wrong with our M until he met OW. Same as you, OW was a middle aged, frump. No style, and very homely. I used to turn heads, was a good mom, wife, cook, financial wiz, etc. OW frequented bars, her kids were out of control but from what H said she worshiped him. H was her KISA.

lovin - I do love my life. I have my health, wonderful children, family, friends, a thriving business. Nothing is perfect and the one thing that sucks right now is my relationship. I think my issues are not knowing what to do with the relationship. Part of me wants out but I'm scared of leaving. I'll figure it out, might take me some time but I will.

Hugs to all....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to give everyone in need a big hug.
((Tribe))

And, Fun & Miracle - it's brave to admit your true feelings about your Hs. You are both such good, good people and I just wanted to reassure you that while people IRL may not understand that sentiment, I do (even tho I don't personally have the same desire).

Fun: I'm right there with you with the numbness. I feel like I am sleepwalking through life. Not good. I've been sulking all week, but I'm going to try to turn that around by decorating for the holidays this weekend.

And, as for me - it's hard for me to enjoy my H's company when I feel we have so much unfinished business. I attribute this to the lack of respect and disgust I feel for him - this has really taken over the way I look at him and it's hard for me to even want to see the other stuff.
Got to go, princess is crying...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happiness is witin reach for all of us. Life is to be treasured!
Little Miss Sunshine!

(((((lostsuol))))) Never mind hon. We all have pyjama and dressing gown days. I had one this week and didn’t get dressed until after lunch. Bad weather and I thought “what’s the point” Another day I’m up, dressed and got half a dozen chores done by breakfast! Just don’t make it every day, okay?

I don’t think I ever looked at my FWH and wished him dead. I do often think that if he had died in some motorway accident and then I had found out about the affair, that would have been the worst case scenario. I would have had no answers. I have often thought about divorce and being rid of him that way. I know I would be very well set up financially if he were to die (our financial advisor and H’s cousin told me that!) but I can honestly say I don’t have that much hate about what he did and who he was to wish that. I did about MOW, esp when she wouldn’t stop contact. But then that wouldn’t be fair on her BH and family.

WH doesn't get it. Doesn't get that it hurts the DS's.
That’s because he is so self-centred. He cannot have empathy with someone else’s situation. If he were to recognise their sense of betrayal, that would be to recognise and accept his behaviour is wrong. His sense of entitlement is truly astonishing.

“There was nothing wrong with our M, it was him and his unresolved issues from before he met me.” Apart from the fact she was “interesting company” oh, and she has a pretty good career number. Not that any of that matters - his dive into the LTA was instant. It was like a Loony Toon cartoon. She turns up, his eyes pop out of his head with disbelief and excitement, his tongue hangs out to his knees, his heart pops out and beats outside his chest and he leaps 6ft into the air and scarpers after her leaving behind a rucked up pavement and me in a cloud of dust. Poof! No warning, nothing. Just gone. And then when he's completely exhausted after chasing around like a madman, having the time of his life, stuffing that cake in as fast and as often as he can, he comes crawling back moaning about belly ache and how it's killing him. Sheesh. What a fuckwit idiot.

Okay. I'm outta here. Have a good weekend everyone.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf
no offense taken. Miracle has given up taking me to task but I do appreciate the little knock upside the head when it's deserved.

Laura
Even the most aggressive flirter starts out with a benign flirting to see if the flirtee is open. A conversation where the flirter asks a more personal question that is appropriate, stands a wee bit closer than he should, gives a slightly over-the-top compliment... and then waits for the response. If the response is appropriate for a married person (putting physical or emotional space between the flirter and flirtee), then it stops. If the response is a drawing slightly closer to the flirtee, the flirtee then ups it a notch. Your "problem" is that you have healthy boundaries. If you ever decided, "this marriage is dead; I'm single in all but name," your reactions to flirters would change and you'd notice men throwing themselves in front of your car just to get a hair toss and eyelash batting from you. Miracle, I have a feeling that you would agree?

nofun and Miracle
I often think (once every couple of weeks or so) how much easier my life would be if WH just... wasn't here anymore. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to suffer either. And grieving for a marriage and a spouse while you're still living in it and with him every day is just absolute nonstop hell and really is a little much to take some days.

honest

just plain mourning and grieving

I think I might be happy for you that you're mourning. Not that I wish it for you; you've been through so much and you deserve to be HAPPY! but mourning suggests that you've accepted that you've come to the end... and your new beginning is next. So my prayers are for you to find comfort in the mourning and to begin the begin as quickly as possible.

lovin
I agree in theory but am not there in reality yet. I'm still grieving. Eventually I will get past the worst of the consequences of WH's actions, but it's just plain not possible at this stage.

A: And yet I read about BS that are taking on the weight of the A and carrying that weight around every day.

B: My H made some awful choices and decisions, but he has changed, atoned and continues to change and evolve into the H that I love now more than I ever thought!

The opposite of A is B. Without B, there will be A.
At least while one is trying to R. Someone's got to carry the load, or you're not R, you're S. KWIM? IMO. (Trying to think of other random letters... meh, too much work.)

UK and nofun
There's a whole lot of stuff that I just don't know what to do with... and WH choosing to be with someone who is less than himself (and waaaaay less than me) so that he could feel superior in that relationship without having to do anything to actually be a better man is understandable (sick, but understandable) but frustrating. There's also the whole FOO issues that I've mentioned ad naseum, her (untreated) mental health problems being comfortably similar to the (untreated) mental health problems of WH's twin brother... well, heck, I guess I'm just SOL because I'm not mired down in my own mental illness and not getting the help I need. My WH also said over and over that he was happy with his M (both to me and to OW) before his A. I just couldn't mimic his FOO issues the way she could, nor give him the "I'm da MAN and I control whether you live or die" vibe.

Meanwhile, part 437 of the ongoing text/phone calls saga. I asked WH very calmly this morning what was going on between him and his mistress (he hates that word so that's the one I always use) this time last year. The amount of time spent on the phone was crazy high, even for them. His response was that he didn't remember and when I questioned him further (nicely, please note... this was a calm, quiet, NICE conversation) he stated that he didn't want to think about it because he would have to go "back into that frame of mind" in order to remember (horse pucky and vaguely threatening) and that was pretty much the end of it. So I asked what he thought/felt when he saw the spreadsheet and he said only that he thought it was a lot, and he had to look twice because it seemed like a lot more than he remembered.

So my plan (because I am a woman with plans) is to drop it until MC tomorrow unless he bring it up (in which case I will listen and question with kindness and compassion). He has promised to answer any questions I have. This is a question I have. He needs to answer it. Period. End of story. I realize that he can refuse to answer, but I'm quite sure MC will remind him of the consequences of his refusal.

Oh, boy. This should be fun.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive Not Forget: I understand what you mean about the impact IC has upon us. But, I don't think that's what it was. I had been holding off on saying things to my H because of our upcoming MC session, which was delayed due to the holidays, etc. so I guess my mood was affected by not being direct with him & just being generally pissed off and miserable instead. This led to me making a demand to see certain documents he keeps for work reasons so I could see if he was leaving at work or calling in sick, etc. This did not go over well with my H and this caused a lot of tension. It also prompted me to go back to phone records and EZpass records for the entire time of their affair and create a timeline/summary which was really not helpful in doing anything other than making me want to stab my husband.

So, I took a pass on going out for dinner & sulked instead.
I'm happy to say I'm happier now for whatever reason.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In an attempt to make me see it was nothing to do with me, he even said I was such a
“beacon of virtue” it made him resentful because it made his fall from grace so much worse and so he pushed me further and further away. If he could cite a fault (of which I have many, I’m sure) in me that turned him off, I would have something to hold onto, something I could fix in myself

This could actually be a valid point Uk--he never felt that he could live up to how good you are in his mind. Whether you are that saintly or not is irrelevant, if in his mind you are a saint.

I know it seems crazy to us,

if we are that damn good, why do this??
But, we don't think like they do.

I said in an earlier post, For us to understand what/why/how they did what they did, would mean that we would have to truly think like they did during the A, and I don't want that. I don't ever want to be that monster even for a moment. So I guess I have to accept that I will never understand.

Eta: spelling errors

[This message edited by ShockedandNumb at 11:25 AM, December 3rd (Friday)]


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: i did not give up, and am really glad that fnf did "take you to task" on that comment your ws made....my memory as of late seems to be truly on the way south.....if it keeps up i will have to look into it medically and pychologically....the things i am forgetting as of late are pretty big things, when i read here i seem to flounder here and there with the short term memory, and so far my words come back in spurts....very unlike me...not used to not having words and more importantly my memory concerning other stuff in my life is affecting others....

anyways...when i had read that comment i was furious for you and at him....that much i do remember...

must run now...dd is applying for a passport and wants me to go with her....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tried before to post on here but got lost...
but I need help as I am struggling with R....

Hey, Just ask what you need to and forget about keeping up for now. We support newbies -- then you either leave or return the favor for someone else when you're strong again.

Strongish -- Tell him there is absolutely nothing he can do. That might shake him up a bit. Might be 100% true too, since you can't think about anything.

Strongish, there is every possibility that if you do R, it won't have anything to do with love anyway. And my guess is, when you do (finally) feel better (and you will) the things that have made you feel better and the reasons you feel better will have nothing at all to do with your marriage.

I've said this before, but I think it bears repeating: in life, we don't always (or even frequently) get our first choice. Or even our third, or our 10th. And, we have to live with not only the consequences of our own bad choices and careless errors, but we also frequently have to live with the consequences of OTHER people's bad judgment, selfishness, malice or carelessness. It could be worse. One of your kids could have been paralyzed from the neck down in an accident.

But these are the things that happen. People casually kill the clerk in a store they are robbing, they abuse kids, they drive drunk and seriously harm someone while walking away unscathed.

So, you see, we're so ANGRY over, not only the injustice, but this idea that we don't have the good sense to at least choose to live our lives with someone who wouldn't harm us.

But now, you have to make the best choice you can with the cards you've been dealt. Miracle chose to keep pfm in the home and stay married until her nearly grown kids are grown and then get a D. Tryn chose to continue to love his wife. ATS has chosen to give his wife time to heal from her CSab and remain married if she can do that and have a closer relationship with him. Allgood is too mad still to make a decision... etc.

The thing is, we're able to see beyond ourselves and to realize that our lives aren't just about us. So, we weigh the options and I think what happens for many of us is that we realize that there is an option that is best for US and a DIFFERENT option that is best for EVERYBODY. So, which do you choose? Well, I think it depends on who "everybody" is. In my case, "everybody" is 6 other people, none of whom can take care of themselves. One of whom appears to be disabled. So, yeah, I spent a lot of time pissed to realize that for whatever reason God made me responsible for the well-being of six other people, and that doing what is best for them requires some self-sacrifice, and that it's sort of ridiculous for a person with a serious mental illness to be responsible for anyone other than themselves, waaah.

Kind of pathetically sorry for myself, don't you think?

But, I had to fully weigh EVERYTHING so I had to have the right information, to consider it carefully, etc. Not until then could I decide, and not until I'd decided could I stop feeling sorry for myself.

Once you're out of limbo, you'll get mad a lot more than you get sad, but mostly, you won't care.

I once said -- I wanted and needed him and our marriage to be OK for so long, and I finally had to face that I was
probably not going to get what I wanted, that there was nothing I could do to get what I wanted, and that I would have to get my needs met elsewhere.

It is what it is. None of my reasons for R have anything to do with love. None. The things that have made me feel better have nothing to do with my M or my WH. Not a one. It's just...a paradigm shift.

My marriage still matters to me. R is important to me. Not because of love though. Because when you line up everyone's needs, it's the best for nearly each of them. And they are important to me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
strongish
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Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh M....you really are wise!! What you wrote makes so much sense to me and I hope that in the not too distant future I can let go enough of the feelings of injustice in order to make the "right" decision. Like you, my decision will be made knowing that it will affect many others and you're right, for some reason God thought that I would be the right one to be responsible for at least 3 other people. If FWH and I do S or D, I have to be in a place that I can be a help to our kids and not an additional burden to them. They will have enough to deal with without having to watch our for or take care of me. I'm just in the place yet...too much pain, every day. I'm hopeful that the new IC I'm seeing will give me some tools for getting stronger.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh M....you really are wise!! What you wrote makes so much sense to me and I hope that in the not too distant future I can let go enough of the feelings of injustice in order to make the "right" decision. Like you, my decision will be made knowing that it will affect many others and you're right, for some reason God thought that I would be the right one to be responsible for at least 3 other people. If FWH and I do S or D, I have to be in a place that I can be a help to our kids and not an additional burden to them. They will have enough to deal with without having to watch out for or take care of me. I'm just not in that place yet...too much pain, every day. I'm hopeful that the new IC I'm seeing will give me some tools for getting stronger.

The thing is, we're able to see beyond ourselves and to realize that our lives aren't just about us.
And this is what separates us from our WS. We take into account how our actions will affect others and they are only interested in how their actions affect them.

[This message edited by strongish at 4:21 PM, December 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


hope God will forgive me for the horrid thoughts that go through my mind. I feel guilty for thinking them

nofun--we are human too, and that fact that you feel guilty thinking these bad thoughts makes you have a good conscious too. Anyone that is in this type of situation, who says they do not have bad thoughts, is a saint.
I have daydreams all the time of "Mhuahahahaha" (insert evil laugh)... things I would do to OW.. I will not write them down due to possible legal ramifications..


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not because of love though. Because when you line up everyone's needs, it's the best for nearly each of them. And they are important to me.


With my youngest at age 15, the near future is different for me. If FWW and I do not stay together the impact to "everyone else" will not be so significant. The reality for me is that R is about FWW and I. This puts a different spin on it for me. If I cannot have love, a "real" intimate relationship, why stay? FWW is a good friend, but I would like more than a friend for a W.

...we're able to see beyond ourselves and to realize that our lives aren't just about us.

I have thought about this too M334455. Actions have consequences. I know I understand this much better than FWW. The topic can be infidelity, or being frugal with expenses for the long term good. FWW does not see much past the immediate.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I can't begin to catch up on it all... it is good to be here.

Still in a very detached state though I feel rumblings, earthquakes, and lava flowing now and then. I am thinking there may be an eruption - good to have a safe place here to vent and to smile

I read this non feeling plain of lethal flatness is a way to give our inner self (soul) time to heal. And, I do feel better - not so crazy anyways



BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovinlife-
I'm glad that you are doing so well.And, also glad that you took the time to write about it.
I am also doing well in R and am feeling positive about my 'new' marriage post d-day and post LTA.
I know that for some on LTA..there is no chance of R and they are here dealing with the trauma and grief..trying to figure out what their next step will be.

Then there are the others... the newbies and not so newbies...wondering whether or not they will ever 'get over' the LTA and whether or not R is possible in their case.
I do agree that it is possible to R from a LTA but, in my opinion some things are absolutely essential for any chance of R.
First of all there has to be complete and immediate NC with the OM/OW.
Then, there has to be real and immediate remorse from the WS and a real willingness to do anything....anything... to save the marriage.
And, that means a lot of tough stuff.
I see a pattern where if the WS is not willing to do everything that is needed ..then the BS will be in limbo.
I think it's that inner voice warning the BS that all is not safe....

I have seen it on SI- the WS that says he wants to R but does not want to lose the OP as a friend, or still wants to stay FB friends with the OP or still wants to hang out with his toxic friends.The WS that still thinks its ok to look at porn or go to strip joints with his buddies, or go out drinking with the 'guys' or 'work crowd'. The WS that doesn't see the reason to change jobs if he works with OW. Or... the WS that refuses to go to MC or IC.

whatever it may be...
when I read these things... I can already predict in advance that the R will be rocky and may not happen.

On the other hand, I have read stories on SI about WS that quit their jobs,stopped drinking, went to AA, went SA meetings, took pay cuts, moved thousands of miles away from the OW/OM...all to please the BS and to put real distance between the WS and the OP and to save the marriage.

So... in my opinion.. those are the type of things that need to be in place before there is a real chance for R.

In my case...EVERYTHING changed post d-day.

Friends, behaviors,job,transparency, you name it.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:55 PM, December 4th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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