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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Good to hear from you. Stay positive. I know you will get thru this little bump. Hope you enjoyed your holiday.

Ats: I really don't know what to say. I know that what you are describing, good self esteem or not, is really difficult to accept. I don't really understand your wife's attitude but my guess is that she knows you really love her and that you will try to understand her position in this regard. She probably did not feel that kind of comfort and security with OM. Plus, I think the real issue is that if she wasn't giving OM sex on demand, then what would he really need her for? (Sorry to put it like that, but I just figure most guys in an A are not really looking for companionship as much as they are looking for convenient sex.)
I don't know what to suggest - sounds like an excellent topic for MC.

I had a massive meltdown yesterday while my H was at work. Our first MC with the new guy is not til late in the week - I'm going to try to behave until then.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Sorry to hear that you had a meltdown. But, it is to be expected... its normal.
I know I keep saying that..but, IMHO it's true...
I had an almost meltdown on Friday in the middle of a Michael Buble concert (of all places!) and then last night It happened again...in the middle of the night when I could not sleep-typically a very bad time for me...middle of the night.
Thats why I still try to take Lunesta to help me sleep through the night.
I felt better this morning and controlled myself...did not bring up the triggers and reasons for the meltdown with my husband (he did hear me crying last night and acknowledged that he was worried about me etc. etc.)
But... I just thought that I would share this. Don't know if it will help to know that you are not alone in the meltdown department or if it will make you more upset thinking that you may still be triggering over the LTA years from now....
Again... I have to repeat that I am better than I was. Much better. But, I am not 100% meltdown and trigger free..even after all of these years... and after all of my husband's remorse and amends etc.

ats- I am so sorry that your wife seems like she is not 100% on board...that she's holding back etc.
I agree with Allgood that this should be discussed in MC.
but, another thought about her behavior with the OM vs with you....I think it is very common for the sex during the affair to be very different from real life.
They (the WS) are all playing out some kind of fantasy roles. And.. what do they say? men in affairs give attention and compliments(that they may not really be feeling) in order to get what they really want....which is sex...and women give the OM sex in order to get what they want which is attention and flattery...

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:29 PM, November 28th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal: I am happy that you share your experiences with me/us. It doesn't make me feel frustrated. I know that this is something that will be with me for life. My best case scenario would be for me to have more happy days than not. To really feel loved and to really be in love.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

NJgal

Don't know if it will help to know that you are not alone in the meltdown department or if it will make you more upset thinking that you may still be triggering over the LTA years from now....

To be honest - it is a bit of a downer for me. The thing is I can't help wondering if I would be better or worse if we S or stay together. I have an awful feeling that the triggers and meltdowns would be just as bad even if we S. If I didn't think that I think I would want to S - "path of least regret"!!

I have to repeat that I am better than I was. Much better.

I really hope this becomes the reality for all of us currently on LTA!.

Very busy tribe - sorry I can't respond to you all. Hopefully will more time in the next few days.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:51 AM, November 29th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Troi
♀ Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They (the WS) are all playing out some kind of fantasy roles. And.. what do they say? men in affairs give attention and compliments(that they may not really be feeling) in order to get what they really want....which is sex...and women give the OM sex in order to get what they want which is attention and flattery...

Fantasy roles, for sure, this was true in my case. In fact, during MC, FWH said "They didn't know me." He could feel like someone different with them, and would flatter and praise them in order to get sex. In fact, one of the emails I found to booty call whore FWH said he was making 50-60K a year...umm, NOT. But SHE didn't know that.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe: Hope everyone had a good holiday.

Honest - I'm so glad you did ok. I was thinking of you.

It's sad when I think about all of us in LTA. We are all struggling. Some with the same issues, some with different issues and all due to the same thing...I pray for all of our healing.

I went to my H's 40th class reunion the other night. I was nervous I would run into someone that was a part of the A. (there was a group that hung out, I call them the A crowd...I didn't know them, only of them) The A happened out of the state we currently live in, about 70 miles from where we live. Needless to say the reunion was in that state. I didn't know anybody as I did not graduate in the same city as my H. We sat at a table with another couple and the wife of this other couple did not know anybody either so we hung out together, danced and mingled. On the ride home my H told me that the woman I had been hanging with used to hang with the A crowd. She pulled my H aside and told him that she heard he had got caught cheating and wondered where he had been since she hasn't seen him in over a year. He said yes she was correct and then she told him that she had got caught cheating too and that she also found out her H had been cheating. She said her M was better than ever.

I really don't know how I feel, I'm just numb. I actually have no feelings. Normally I would have triggered and gotten angry and started calling names, crying....but nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that scares me.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun, I don't think not having feelings is so unusual. I think we sometimes have a saturation point of new info that will affect us. This news doesn not directly have to do with the A. You didn't feel red flags in terms that your WH has done anything wrong, just more info. It's good that WH told you what their conversation was.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun -- my guess is that R is pretty different for madhatters. Just a thought.

I have IC Wed. I'm having lunch with WH before IC since my IC is just a few blocks from his office.

I'm curious as to what y'all think about $ as a factor -- I noted that Troi said her FWH claimed to be making 50-60K.

Anyway, here's where I'm going with this: do you think men who make more $ are more likely to have A's? I've read that women who make more $ are MANY times more likely to have A's. Just wondering what y'all think about where that plays into everything.

I said to my friend a few months after Dday something along the lines of "it's probably just as well that I caught him now and with someone older who makes less $ than me rather than have him run off with some 25 year old in 10 years." I mean, it's so cynical, but I see it over and over with these guys working with my WH. They make partner at BIGLAW, start hauling in $1m+ a year and then their babymomma wife is out and eye-candy is in. I mean, I'm not an eyesore, but I'm going to get older just like everyone else, ya know?

I still get so mad at WH, but mad is because I'm hurt and hurt is because I love, KWIM?

I don't know, I had a great day fishing with friends on our boat yesterday. My marriage feels permanently tainted, but, of course, everyone was raving about what a lovely family we are (thanks!) etc. and I always think, why should I have to give up my lifestyle just because my WH decided to get involved with some sociopath?

And, of course, the answer is, I don't, since he wants to R.

I'm rambling, but am I making any sense to y'all?

My friend said to me yesterday, if you marry for money, you earn every penny of it. wise woman. See, I didn't marry for money, I married for love but I guess I GOT married for money.

Then I think to myself, "self, this isn't a true raw deal -- you've got a fan-freakin-tastic life, you just can't trust your husband (details, details...)"

Ugh.

I'm learning to deal with and quash his verbal/emotional abusive bull (thanks IC, good books, and my inspiration -- miracle) so that's good. He seems really committed to R -- so that's good -- he's been mostly a good parent (a little neglectful of safety in my mind) but all the lies, betrayal, emotional and verbal abuse, they've taken a toll on me and I'm just so ANXIOUS when he's around. That's what I don't like. That -- and I do feel like he's a bad person and I'm not sure how that plays out with the kids. I am really a different person when I'm not with him, because when he's around I'm just waiting to get attacked. At least I've got my fight on rather than my flight now, LOL.

Anyway, more rambling. I would prefer to keep the family together. But I don't know how to do that with those feelings I have of distrust/anxiety over continually expecting to be attacked/contempt for his utter lack of character.

Ugh. Hoping IC will help this week, but I'd love any thoughts.

ATS -- I just couldn't couldn't couldn't accept so little sex, and especially with it being so burdensome. NOT a CHANCE. That is NOT a marriage. I think I would probably want an in-house separation in your shoes. That's just me. Mostly just want to say that is a super-valid complaint.

I stopped initiating a few weeks ago. It's been hard. But I felt like it was time to illustrate the difference in the sex drives. So, a lot less sex for me lately. Looks like he's a 1 or 2 times a week person. Sounds about right, historically, from when I've waited him out in the past. I think I will talk to him about this. I'm wondering if this is a preference or if it is some shyness. Our sex life has been very different. He has been less shy with me the past few months (for the first time in our 10 years together) which is nice -- he also finishes much faster. He's more present. Before he was always so controlled it was ridiculous. I just could not get him to let go. So, these are really good things.

Look, I don't know what to say -- maybe y'all can help me out here. I love my husband but this anger, etc. is too much. I'm thinking maybe a post-nup would fix the trust thing. No more of that identity-based trust, but it would create some pretty extreme calculus based trust. Sort of a "hey, I know I can trust him because he voluntarily made it just WAY too inconvenient to betray me." It's not IBT, but it will do. The anxiety, perhaps that will dissipate as I keep dealing with the snarkiness when it rears it's ugly head. It's the douchebag factor that I wonder most about... though I do wonder about all of them.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good afternoon my friends.....

Had a relatively good holiday weekend. Both of the older kids were home so I had to put the happy face on, but overall it wasn't too bad...thank you Mr. Chardonnay! FWH left on a trip on Friday so the tension level was easier. All in all I was better able to shut-out the sadness and anxiety so I think that's a good thing.

Bad thing....I'm looking into seeing another IC. The one we've been seeing just isn't helping me much. I'm 5 months from DDay and I'm feeling like she and FWH are looking to me to come up with the solution on how to trust him again/feel happy again, etc. We had a joint session last Tuesday and boy did I let loose. She must have asked me 3 times what it was going to take to make me feel comfortable in my M again and by the time we were done I was wrecked. I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS!! THIS WASN'T COVERED IN THE MARRIAGE HANDBOOK!! I guess you can tell I was pretty frustrated. So, I'm looking into going to someone different. I have two recommendations and I have a call in to one already. I am concerned that the current C we are seeing is not pushing FWH enough but for now he can keep seeing her for IC. We'll see where we go from here.

I love my husband but this anger, etc. is too much. I'm thinking maybe a post-nup would fix the trust thing. No more of that identity-based trust, but it would create some pretty extreme calculus based trust.
I have contacted an atty. about a post-nup. I sent in the retainer and a summary of our financial state the week before last. Honestly, this was another attempt by me to shake up FWH and get him to start making big changes in himself. He is so passive in all of the work of reconciliation and I'm tired of being the one that has to come up with all the ideas of how to "fix" what he did! (See rant above!) I'll let you know if it helps, but I'm afraid that nothing short of S will upset FWH enough that he will take ownership of the mess he's created.

So...that's where I'm at today. Glad to hear that everyone made it through the holiday without too many bruises.

[This message edited by strongish at 2:42 PM, November 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He always told me that I never contributed anything because I was a SAHM for many years.

No fun-I have NO idea how you have dealt with this.. I am shaking my head over here thinking of my Dad and he was so bad this way to my mom..


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Thanks but those were not really my triumps. She keeps initiating. Yes I am curious, but I do know that she is trying to be a all around better W. Not too long ago I explained to her that there needed to be some changes in her attitude or we were going to be sleeping in seperate rooms. I believe I also mentioned that my needs were not being met and that was one of her excuses to mess around. Maybe she got the message? Being a M man for so long I am pretty conditioned to having what I say go in one ear and out the other. Add in the fact that a few weeks ago I met two women that she knew who own a business she frequents. Apparently both of these women, (one M, one D) told her that they thought I was a pretty desirable type person. The D one even said that she wished I had a brother. Poor woman is so desperate. I think all this and a few other factors has caused my W to work on making me happier. Of course all that could be bullshit. She could be just starting/ending another A. If she is it was not much of one as I can account for 98% of her time and location.

ats.

It is good to hear that your W handled the holiday in such a manner. That was a big step. Now about the sex stuff. Don't give up hope on that just yet. I have been through several dry spells. I agree with Allgood & njgal, you can not compare her A sex to your life now. I say that but I still compare this too.

I grilled a turkey T


hursday. It is a good thing I enjoy grilling in 38 degree rain with a hard north wind. I bet those sissy ass cabanna boys would never have done that.

njgal.

You are a good example to everyone here. Your posts help more than you think. Did you see the reply to your post in the R section about how do the WS just have sex without having any real feelings or love for the OP? That woman said that you helped her understand something that 15 months of IC had not helped her with. Good job njgal!

Your description (and Allgood's) about the difference between men and women and the A is probably a direct hit concerning my W. From the limited information she has given me I can say that she knows she fell for a line of shit and she feels used. I'm sure she does feel stupid and embarassed. Since this stuff was over before she confessed I do often wonder what really caused her to wake up.

m3.

Maybe if a person makes more money they have a easier time of being able to pull off the A. A rich person may have more free time and be able to get away from the house. I don't care how much someone wants to have the A, if they can't get the opportunity it will not happen.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While suffering in the POLF (Plains of Lethal Flatness) Old Dipstick made me smile :-)
I grilled a turkey T


hursday. It is a good thing I enjoy grilling in 38 degree rain with a hard north wind. I bet those sissy ass cabanna boys would never have done that.

I deep fried our 19lb turkey (without burning the house down or having the turkey end up in the now winterized pool). It was 32 degrees and the Montreal express was howling. Those pussy cabana boys would have been crying that day.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a good thing I enjoy grilling in 38 degree rain with a hard north wind. I bet those sissy ass cabanna boys would never have done that.


Lol!! I needed that today.. Thanks


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did post this same question on I can relate. I hoep its ok to throw this out to the Tribe also. My WH says that during the 5 yr A with OW, there was no sex. Just kissing. I don't buy this, but what can I do? H insists that it's the one thing he was happy that never happened.
5 years?
Is it possible, or cheaters handbook pg. 5 covers this?


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked - As a man I couldnt have an affair with someone for 5 years & not have sex - but having said that I havent sex with ww for 5 years (omg what does that say about me?).
I think its very unlikely - he had an affair he's not a fucking saint or a priest.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shocked and numb - I don't believe there was no sex....of course I don't believe anything anymore...so what do I know? But I think they try to minimize the damage. If they could pull off the LTA with all the lying and deceit for as long as they did well...hell they had sex!!! JMO

M3 - I don't think money has anything to do with having an A. I'm only saying this by what my own H has done. I make way more money than he does so if I leave, he's the one that's fucked. And then his pension comes into play and for years he used to tell me that he shouldn't have to share his pension if there was a D. So he knew full well what would happen if there was a D. He's just a very stupid AND lucky man that I didn't throw his ass out. I'm still thinking about throwing his sorry ass out so he's not out of the woods yet. But then again, maybe I would end up having to pay alimony so maybe he's not so stupid!! Who knows?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun-
I never heard about your husband's group of Affair friends.
Was this a group of old high school friends? drinking buddies?

They do say that peer pressure often does a play a role in infidelity.
If there is a subtle or not so subtle acceptance of infidelity among friends or co-workers then it can encourage this behavior in others.
I know that my husband's work environment became very toxic. And, the MOW was one of the main causes of that!
She would prance around the office ...exposing her thong and breasts (yes, you read correctly).
And all of the office drinking buddies would go out for drinks after work and often even at lunchtime.
Very inappropriate and very unprofessional behavior...

so..when the MOW approached my husband for sex...well...the thinking was ..why not? everyone's doing it...
(he knew that the MOW had fooled around with another co-worker in the past).

so, yeah...toxic friends do have an impact..even on adults.

I'm proud of how you handled the conversation!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shocked:

i would have a hard time believing that no sex took place.....as a matter of fact my ws did try to pull this one off with several of his ow.....didn't buy it then either....and then of course he confirmed a few...has yet to confirm more, probably will never stand up and take responsibility...he truly is a poor excuse of a man, husband and father.....

dip:

you men do seem to have a thing for turkeys


.....(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They do say that peer pressure often does a play a role in infidelity.
If there is a subtle or not so subtle acceptance of infidelity among friends or co-workers then it can encourage this behavior in others.
I believe this as well. My FWH is a pilot....anyone ever read "Coffee, Tea or Me?" It's still not far off on the airline industry today. I have a female friend that is a pilot for a major airline and she said that it's common knowledge which pilots/flight attendants are having an A or a relationship. Makes me wonder how many knew about my FWH and his A? At least two friends that I know of....

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, November 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Crazy busy at work - end of year stuff so can't contribute much or often.

My rollercoaster continues to climb and dip. Ok at present.

Some interesting thoughts today.

AGNG

I just figure most guys in an A are not really looking for companionship as much as they are looking for convenient sex.

I'd love to think this. My H told Ow2 and OW3 repeatedly that he loved them. OW2 told me this but said she didn't believe him. OW3 thought he meant it and wanted him to come live with her! He says he wasn't really "in love" but I know he was foggy and made contact with OW3 at least once in the first weeks after dday!!!! I think I would feel a little, very little better if I believed it was just about the sex.

NJgal

men in affairs give attention and compliments(that they may not really be feeling) in order to get what they really want....which is sex...and women give the OM sex in order to get what they want which is attention and flattery..

I'm so inexperienced and naive when it comes to all this affair stuff! Do you think this is the case with all men in affairs??

Fun

She pulled my H aside and told him that she heard he had got caught cheating and wondered where he had been since she hasn't seen him in over a year. He said yes she was correct and then she told him that she had got caught cheating too and that she also found out her H had been cheating. She said her M was better than ever.

You know I've been thinking a lot about this sort of thing. Many years ago we had trouble with a truly nutty neighbour - he was NUTS. Long story short we ended up in court - restraining orders assault charges - you name it!!! Anyway - I told people then that after numerous trips to court I had realised we live in another world. That there's a whole other world out there where people are cruel and dishonest and downright bad!!! But that because of our values we just didn't get it. That these people were like a different species - violent and unpredictable. The weirdest part was that they didn't operate on logic. It didn't matter what we did it was wrong and he made our lives miserable. (We later found out he'd been in jail for drugs and assault!)

I'm now starting to realise that there's a whole OTHER world out there. The "Cheaters World". I believe that in this world it's every man (or woman)for him/herself. They DON'T HAVE THE SAME VALUES AS US. This is why this "woman" (slut,whore,skank...
) behaved and spoke the way she did. In her world cheating behaviour is the norm.

there was a group that hung out, I call them the A crowd...I didn't know them, only of them

You see they operate differently from us. They think differently. WE DON'T GET IT!

NJgal

They do say that peer pressure often does a play a role in infidelity.
If there is a subtle or not so subtle acceptance of infidelity among friends or co-workers then it can encourage this behavior in others.

This also bears out what I've been saying. My H has often talked about nurses at work. He has casually mentioned that XX (married)is seeing YY or that AA is now divorced and living with BB or that GG is "playing up" with HH. Stupid here(Laura28)never made any connections. Occassionally I'd say something like "It doesn't seem like any of them are still with their Hs" or "I don't know why they do it. If they're not happy in their marriages they should just leave!" I even said this when my brother split up with his cheating wife. I ranted and raved about why the bitch didn't just leave him instead of playing up behind his back. AND ALL THE TIME MY H WAS WITH OW2!!!!!!!!

Like I said at the start. I'm naive, stupid and I don't understand this "other" world. The peer pressure HAS screwed up their values.

The worst part is that sometimes he still makes passing remarks about nurses with men other than their Hs. He says it so casually! It really worries me. Maybe he is so screwed up his values are beyond redemption!!! Maybe all his attention and sweet talk is just that - another leaf out of the cheater's handbook - "How to placate your S if you get busted"

Strong

I have contacted an atty. about a post-nup

I've considered this ....still trying to decide. I have changed my will so my kids get my share of everything. Clause at end says "Because of infidelity during marriage" - atty says he won't be able to contest it!!

Dip

She keeps initiating

Maybe she has finally realised what a treasure she has. She needs to work hard to keep you. Enjoy it my friend.


Being a M man for so long I am pretty conditioned to having what I say go in one ear and out the other.

Now that's naughty!!! In my house the shoe is on the other foot. H has a serious case of selective deafness!!!! (Maybe there's a correlation between the genes for selective deafness and cheating - now there's a thought!!! )

Apparently both of these women, (one M, one D) told her that they thought I was a pretty desirable type person.

Obviously women with good taste

She could be just starting/ending another A. If she is it was not much of one as I can account for 98% of her time and location.

No. She has finally realised what she could be risking losing. How could she not???

njgal.

You are a good example to everyone here. Your posts help more than you think.

Agree with Dip on this. Please keep posting NJgal - you do help us.

S&N

My WH says that during the 5 yr A with OW, there was no sex.

No. Sorry honey. I agree with the others. You don't have a heterosexual relationsship for this long without sex. So now I am starting to convince myself that OW1 (PA from 16 yrs ago) who I thought was EA after she married 10 yrs ago was probably also PA since then. SHIT!!!!

On a lighter note

Dip

Thanks for making me laugh. Please visit more often.

Need to finish this post before I lose it.

To be continued.....

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

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