[This message edited by deeppurple at 7:38 PM, November 7th (Sunday)]
ATS - You are a man among men. Truly you have more patience than anyone I know.
Purple - Yep, you sound better and given your job sich it's good to hear. Of course spending time with the kids is my favorite way to enjoy a day/hour/minute. I went for a run this morning, nothing too big but although I never look forward to going I'm always glad when I'm done. You too?
NoFun - Yes...paint the face that you want to one the punching bag. Or better yet, just do it to a pillow, much cheaper. I think that is actually a very healthy way to get rid of frustration. And let's face it, anger and frustration are almost a way of life for us now...not every minute or even every day, but most definitely more often than before we found out that we had been cheated on.
And on to my saga....DD was home from college this w/e to be a bridesmaid in her HS friend's wedding last night. I've been dreading this w/e for days. So what does WH do to acknowledge the trigger(s) and the difficulty of attending the first wedding together since DDay?? Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not one word from him before hand, but he did try and hold my hand before the service started. Not in a soothing way but in a "Hey! Aren't we just one big happy couple??" I was hurt, furious, hurt and did I mention furious that he could not even empathize with me just a little. So we had it out again today. Once again, it takes a meltdown on my part to get him to express any feelings. Tribe...I'm exhausted. He keeps his head in the sand until he absolutely had to address something and then I have to go to DEFCON 2 before he responds to me. What's really sad is that it would take so little from him to diffuse my anger, but he chooses to ignore the real issue and picks at something else.
I'm applying for a full-time job this week. I haven't had to work full-time for years but I need to know that I can support myself. Needless to say this went over like a fart in church with WH. He thinks I'm being "negative." Whatever.....
So thanks to all of you for once again listening to my rant/vent.
He keeps his head in the sand until he absolutely had to address something and then I have to go to DEFCON 2 before he responds to me.
This is my reality too!!! It's frustrating to say the least.
Strong - no I always look forward to training. I enjoy the solid when i'm on the road - my best clear headed thinking is done then. I like the physical high that it brings - a great way to start the day.
I haven't had to work full-time for years but I need to know that I can support myself.
Good for you. That's important.
I can support myself, but let's face it - either I'd have to work more or I'd have to cut a few things - it wouldn't be the same once we separated.
However after my 24 hour meltdown, I embarked on a mission to do all the stuff I asked my H to do many, many times. Simple shit too. Well, simple for him, I can't wait to see what happens to the wall when I start hanging all this stuff up. I need a stud finder. Lol
But, seriously, it's a good feeling. Built a tv stand tonight & rearranged a whole bunch of stuff in the kids' room. Was actually going to lug the big tv up the stairs myself too, but thankfully, I changed my mind - that would've been a disaster.
O - and as if learning of my H's A while on vacation with my inlaws wasn't fun enough, we had a family wedding to attend the day after we returned from vacation. I cannot believe I didn't lose it. My H knew I was upset, he said/did nothing at the time.
Damn, it hurts like hell.
I sitting here worrying about whether or not he's coming home for Thanksgiving, where we're going to eat because of his royal highness......
Ok, he's paying the bills, but it' my heart and soul and spirit that's paying.
Damn it hurts so bad!!!!!
I'm so sorry you are hurting. It all sucks!
This one hurts a lot because it's a religious pilgrimage where he has gone before, by himself (itinararies had checked out)
When I first met him, he had always said that he wanted to go to this place with his wife someday......
He told me, of course he was going by himself. But because of what he said all those years ago, it just means to me, SHE IS HIS WIFE NOT ME.
I don't know what I am.
I kept hanging on to a thread of hope for soooo long. Even the hope that he loved me more or really didn't love her.
There's nothing left.
Oh my God, I've been really thrown under the bus, so long ago and I really am just finding out now.
Wow, I better call IC in the morning. I didn't have a chance. Miracle, what good is a list? What good is it going to do me to get angry? Maybe to move ahead.
Sorry for the downer guys.
[This message edited by deeppurple at 11:52 PM, November 7th (Sunday)]
Even the hope that he loved me more or really didn't love her.
It is in the 50's here, nearly record lows. I do not know if I have enough layers to wear for my ride into work tomorrow. I need to get back on the bike, I need the physical exertion. I will end up meeting with OM on Monday to review their work.
I know this is a bit off issue - but does he really think you two are still together? (I really don't know. I mean, I know you haven't made it clear to him you are done, I know you still do family things together, but I don't think you were sharing a bed or anything when he returns home, right?)
I'm just trying to understand his mindset.
If he thinks that you are still together, then go let him have it if you want. Your therapist says to get angry so go do it.
But, then get back on the 180. He is a mistake. You married & stayed with him for a number of reasons, but with everything you now know, you should not be with him. In fact, I think there should be a registry for people like him - sort of a bad check writing kind of a thing - so anyone trying to get a marraige license or anyone even receiving a drink from a bar from him gets notice.
Ok, -back on target. Get back on the 180. You are without a doubt better off without him in every sense of the word.
I really think you need to get out there more and find things to do, things that will bring you happiness. He's not going to give it to you.
School would be an excellent idea. Somthing to focus on, something you will excel at, you will meet new people - especially if you go to night school - I bet you find a lot of people like yourself - starting over after raising a family.
Big Hug Honest.
(And Fun- I forgot to apologize as well bout the Vegas thing. I forgot. And, I can relate to what you said about your H encouraging you to go. While I never went away, I did notice my H encouraging me to to do other things, or volunteering to do things for me, and I know now it wasn't about me at all. It was about him - him having alone time to do whatever.)
Part 2 of the meltdown is now finished. I am going to call a new MC today & I am keeping my fingers crossed that he can work us in around our crazy schedule.
Gotta go - kids want to eat.
reality check honest....in his little pea brain of a head you are both his wives....she is the one who is not giving him a hard time though...which means for now she is the good one, the well behaved one, the one who OBEYS......
part 2 of reality check....it really does not matter if he considers you his wife or not...the only thing that matters is you....do you consider him a husband...a "TRUE" husband...
yes make that list, yes get angry, it is way way overdue....i think you need a little anger to help propel you to the next step....so make that list....
My heart aches for you. Please take care of yourself. Make sure to eat!! We are here for you.
It has been almost a week of emails and voice mails back and forth with her former OM on the issue I was called in to resolve for OUR employer. Hearing his voice, communicating with him almost daily has stirred thoughts, feelings I hoped were gone, and I do not want to have. They were clearly more emotionally connected at one point than she wants to recall now. When FWW and I talked this weekend, she said she felt no longing or love for him then, but I reminded her that she had said she had a crush on him, and at times hated being at the house and wanted to be with him. She confessed to a half-dozen times or so they got together over the year or so they were involved, but I am sure there were more times. It makes me angry today that I am still guessing at the exact timeline on their A, and the details. There is a difference between knowing enough to understand and knowing the whole story.
He was there this morning when I went to sign-off on their correction. I feel so childish; I mostly ignored him and focused my attention on the other employee with us. So much for the advice I have given others to be proud and keep your chin up. I saw him with her, could hear him telling her how special she was and that I did not deserve her. I could see her holding him, kissing him, flirting with him. I look at him and he is not attractive, most people tend not to like him, and yet at onetime he was her SO. She wanted him and resented me.
So it is over for now, but I am not sure what to do with these feelings? Do I try to re-submerge them? Do I just acknowledge them and focus on the present? Do I make FWW miserable by rehashing all of this with her? She could tell I was distant this morning and we talked a little. She kept telling me what I should do to solve the problem. I know that she meant well and wanted to be supportive, but why should I have to do something to fix the problem she created? But truthfully, I know she cannot fix it for me. I am sorry that this morning when she asked why I didn’t just punch him, I shot back at her “Why don’t I just punch you, you caused this”
The problem that causes me to work with him has gone from once every 2 – 3 years to a more regular event. I am taking steps to “normalize” his division’s response to the problem so they do not have to pull me in as the big gun to deal with what really should be a routine problem. Going back to before dday I tried to teach this OM how to recognize and avoid this problem, but I am afraid he is not too smart. I am now focusing on getting his Director to figure this out for their division.
I really hate picturing her with him doing the things they did, saying the crap they said to each other, meeting together, shopping for things for her. I hate more that he knows more about it than I do, and that he knows about the OM that she broke up with him with to start her next A with. I hate that after dday she called to warn him that I knew the truth now, and that he has always known the truth about my wife and would think of that every time I saw or talked to him. What an idiot I must have appeared to be.
Try to stay focused on the good response your W has given you.
I've been a damn mess myself this week & I can tell you that by trying to go to my H to make me feel better was an exercise in futility. (I understand that it sucks to have to be the one to fix a problem created by another. Such is life.)
Sure they can "understand" & apologize. Nothing can take the pain away. Nothing can be said to make it ok. It was F-n horrible.
Just try to redirect your focus from the past to your present & future. Easier said than done, I know. But there is nothing that can make the past look less horrible unless she can prove that she was possessed during her As.
As for wishing that you had done or felt anything diferently, from what you wrote here it sounds like you handled yourself with dignity. And I hope OM walked away feeling like the smelliest, runniest dog doody that ever splatted on the hard-packed dirt. (But who cares about him, anyway.) We all know who the idiot is, and it is not you.
I do not know how you do it. I don't think I could handle that crap. Ignore him as much as possible. How does he act toward you? I think I would be pretty scared if I was in his shoes. Even though I know it is not true, I completly understand the feeling of appearing like a idiot.
Getting back to school is a very good way to help get you started in a new direction. Don't you need just a few hrs to get a masters?
Hugs to the tribe.