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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was last at the 20 house and first at 21.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

21......<sigh>.....i think i would love to be 21 again....

so maybe considering the number we should decorate vegas style....it is hot in vegas isn't it....???


i'm thinkin blackjack....red and black house....

and i'm thinkin we all need to win big...after all the craps we played without our consent and knowledge i am thinking its time for US to win big....REALLY REALLY BIG!!!!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we had fireworks and a big bonfire to celebrate the new abode.

Vags style sounds good to me. Are the chips for free?? I need to WIN, so I'm settled in at the bar (no surprise there then, ) waiting for the rest of the gathering to arrive. Chilled Chablis. Cheers!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
Nice to be here with you. You give me sanity in my crazy world.
Without you I would be falling apart.
I know I can always come here and my feelings will be considered and my thoughts will be heard.
You are my rock. I will survive with your help.
Thank you all.
I wish you peace today (or this evening as the case may be)
May all the OPs be hit by 10 karma buses and may all the WSs get their acts together.

Love
laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura did you say something...i cannot hear you over the fireworks....

....or are the ducks still fucking while they are in the grass????


free chips......oh lordy help my hips...chips on the hips..i cannot lie, they make me want to die....unless of course the chips come with "dip"...

dip are you bringing the chips....i got the mudslides...sorry people, keep your wine, i will keep my mudslides....extra chips on my mudslides...now thats good chips on the hips...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about a truly classy dinner?
perhaps pat to go with the dip, and "Duck l'Orange" for the main course?


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll bring the Merlot


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vegas!!
Great idea - I've never been!
Haven't seen the bartender yet, but I hear he's HOT!
If you see him, let him know I'll have a vodka & 7-Up with lime.
Thank you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. girls. At 9 am I sent you all off on a mission with some cabana boys and a moving van. It took you till 4 something to get to the new house! What happened? Don't tell me you had a flat.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the delay Dip.
I can only speak for myself, but I got sidetracked by my attempt to have all 4 kids looking in the same direction without any of them looking completely miserable for holiday photos.
Then I had to make good on my bribe and have dinner at their choice of location.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohhhhhh Vegas!!!
Sounds like fun!! Always wanted to go there, besides black jack, roulette, etc, there are great shows,restaurants, etc!

I wish we all actually could get together for weekend.....call it a retreat. I could really use that!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - hate to be the 1st one to break the mood, but....

Had a big talk with H last night, he explained what he thought he contributed to the downfall of the marriage. I can see that he actually thought about it.

So, it was a productive, positive talk for about 15 min, followed by a less productive, more hostile "conversation" for the next hour.
Exactly what I promised myself what I wouldn't do. I kept reminding myself to just let him talk, make it comfortable for him, lay the foundation for going back another date to ask him to reflect on whatever else, etc.
O well.
I'll spare you theplay by play, but I learned about their first "encounter" together & it was different than what I assumed in that it wasn't an unexpected drunken event. He brought a condom with him, so he knew, planned it, it was a sober thought.
In the scheme of things it shouldnt matter, but it really made me mad.
And, that you could just have no explanation for how you could live with yourself like this, day after day, is beyond me. It really is. He's assuming that it was because our relationship was so bad that led him to do this because when our relationship was better, he declined to cheat.
He's resigned to a life without socializing as a single person tho, so I guess that should alleviate some of my concerns, but it doesn't.
I didn't get any responses in "general" for referrals for a good mc in my area.
I guess I will have to start from scratch.

Catch up with y'all later.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gang:
I've been lurking...

One of these days, I'm taking Vegas back. But for right now everytime I hear the word "Vegas" I cringe.

Allgood - When we have those "talks" it starts out ok for the first two sentences and then I feel myself getting madder than hell. So I know how it goes and I just wish I could stay calm. Now H proclaims he loves me more than ever when he realized he could lose me. I just don't feel the same way about him.

It's a day by day thing. One day good, the others bad until it gets good again...oh the agony of it all.

I need a girls vacation with lots of cabana boys and mudslides.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G' morning Tribe,

I was up early to fix biscuits for family including DS18 who is visiting from college.

ukgirl, you have described why you stay with your WS, and mentioned that he said had you cheated on him he would have divorced you. Why does your H choose to stay with you? Have you ever asked him? If it is love, how does he match his behaviors with his feeling?

allgoodnamesgone, your description of your discussion with your H and mention of "good marriage" - "bad marriage" caught my attention. Yesterday FWW and I talked while running errands, she was reflecting on her IC session. As a part of this we got into the topic of people cheating because of a bad marriage. She was puzzled, because two of her friends had Hs who cheated, and she did not think her friends should be to blame for their Hs affairs , I felt that unspoken was that she still saw me as part of the excuse for her As. I told her that all marriages have bad times, and to blame cheating on a bad M is like blaming cheating on being M. Every M has rough spots, it is how people react and communicate through the rough spots that determine if the M will survive. I was very clear that I accept responsibility for my actions and impact on the M. Once she withdrew from me early in the M, I was often curt and distant to her. The use of infidelity though to gain affirmation, sexual attention, that was all her. I could have made the perfect response at every juncture, and she still would have needed the external validation, blamed people for her feelings, seen issues as black or white. These are the things that led to her As, not the state of our M. Had she been able to internally validate, seen shades of gray in issues, acknowledged her own feelings, then we would have either worked things out or divorced a long time ago.

Nofun, I am with you with the good then bad. So long as I do not thing of the As all is good. Problem is, I do think of them talking and being together, and that still hurts. More depression now than acute pain, but still it is there waiting. I am also bothered that while I belive that I know enough, I also belive there is more to tell and she chooses not to.

This recent episode of interacting almost daily with one of her OM at work for the last week has really triggered walks down the path of what she told me, what I know, and what I belive may also be true. Yesterday while we talked she told me how when she looks back to this OM there are no feelings of love, desire or pining; just the initial excitement and the desire for conversation and affirmation. But in earlier talks she mentioned having a crush on him and being miserable at home and wishing she was with him. I see this as her successfully moving beyond the A into the present and filtering the past with her current perceptions. So should it really matter if she had a crush on him and felt longing to be with him? She has admitted to approximately 6 or 7 times she was with him physically over the course of a year. Should it matter if, as I belive, she was with him an addition half dozen times or so as quickies after work or on weekdays?

I feel the same way about the other OM she admits to a couple of ONS for oral with, but also told me how she loved his smooth skin and full lips. How do you get smooth skin and full lips just form oral? Why does it matter?

She is really working hard at doing right. Just this morning she caught herself and rephrased a statement to present us as unified in working on a child issue. Except for actual sex, she is going out of her way to touch and spend time with me. We laugh and have fun.

I was for so long happy just to have her be in a good mood with me. Now I do not know what is being unreasonable in expectations. Before dday, if we had gone to MC and the current state was the result I would be declaring it a huge success. But know I feel I know more and my expectations are higher.

It just occured to me that the fun that occcurs spontaneously works fine, but events that require planning and scheduling do not. Today she cancelled on an event this week we have planned for over a month.

sigh...

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:37 AM, November 7th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: I am so sorry!! I forgot about Vegas!!! We can move to a better spot, how about Hawaii? {{{nofun}}}}

Allgood: It is very, very hard to try to be calm and listen to these things. Don't beat yourself up over it. The problem is, that if we want to hear these things, we have to be quiet or else they will close up. I'm so sorry to hear what he told you. WH told me something similar: he was so unhappy, so therefore he was available.

It's all the exact opposite of what should be done. It's the lack of communication, not even so much that either party is not saying what they need or there is a problem, perhaps, too as in my case, if something was said, one party either didn't hear or listen, or made some temporary changes and slipped back into the routine, or one party didn't realize how important it was to the other.
I don't know if that made any sense....

Ats: I always love to read how you and your FWW discuss things and how you are both growing. You are so patient and kind with her, I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you!!!

I'm coming to realize more and more as I explore my feelings, and read many of our LTA posters that have past our 1 year mark and are going into our second...that the initial trauma is winding down and it's settling into more of a realization of the reality and a bit of a depression.
It seems to me that in the first year we are struggling to survive, to get a grip. Our world is rocked and we just want normalcy. Now in our second year, we are realizing that the "normalcy" or what was, no longer exists, and can never exist again. We have a new reality and are trying to go forward.

Ats, I understand what you mean, the stark hard pain doesn't come forward immediately anymore, a depression, a sadness does. But as you said, the pain is there and sometimes comes through.

I felt like this last night. I brought DS 12 to see "Megamind" (fun movie) and was getting blasted with triggers from all over the place. I went into the theater and was almost ready to burst into tears, but they didn't come. I tried to "self-soothe" or distract myself. It's so hard.

I'm not trying to get myself depressed, but all that I've been thinking lately, almost like a mantra is, "It's over. It's over."
I think I'm doing this so not to get myself caught up in the false hope again, not to get caught up in pretty words and wishful thinking.

So many things are triggers. Today I'm going to see some friends from my 20's. We all got married the same time (me to xWH) and they are all still married to thier H's. That hurts. They are living the life that I wanted so many years ago. They are all empty nesters who now have grandkids and are living a fairly "free" life now with golfing, going places, travelling etc.

Oh well. I'll stop with the plom (poor little ol me)

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: I am so sorry!! I forgot about Vegas!!! We can move to a better spot, how about Hawaii? {{{nofun}}}}
Same here! Sorry nofun! How about Monte Carlo? We can celeb spot!

Gotta go. No time to post. (((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am sorry fun...i too forgot about that evil place...that shall not be named again..

montecarlo sounds like a plan to me...do they know how to make mudslides there???

ooh, to be where princess grace was....she was certainly the definition of class....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and allgood, i hope you apologized to him for losing it....it will do good to that so that next time, there actually will be a next time, kwim....and you do not have to apologize for what you said only for how you did....just so he knows your intentions was to remain calm and will have same intention for future talks...

i am sorry that the first time wasn't where he really wasn't thinking.....i know it hurts knowing he had time to reflect prior and still went ahead.....and actually planned it....it just sucks allgood....

did you call him a fuckwit?...or a fucktard?....

and remember he is changing...in the smallest steps, but steps....he has not from what i have seen in your posts taken any backsteps....maybe a sidestep here and there but no backsteps....

focus on the positive, and when that fails, get out his picture and throw darts at it.....


ats: you are an amazingly patient man, with this huge gift for seeing beyond what she shows....


honest: i like that mantra...did you ever start that list...and what about your masters....have you scheduled what you need to schedule?


ukgirl: have you ever thought of taking up kickboxing....i think it might do you good to expend some of that energy on a fake dummy for a change from the one you are married to....


ok....going back into my little shell now...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not feel sorry about Vegas....I really want to go there and take back my FUN...I really do. Is that crazy?

The last time I was in Vegas was with my sister and another girl friend. I look back on that and now understand why my H thought it was a GREAT idea to get away with the girls. (God knows what he did with OW while I was gone) But while I was in Vegas, I had a blast. I am grateful for that fun time. And then he took OW on a convention there. That has to be the hardest thing for me to accept, but I can't dwell on it. I really really want to go there again. I'm just so afraid of a trigger. I would imagine that I would be anxious getting there and maybe I would cry but I would get over it (I hope) and have FUN! Fuck em!!

Honest - where does the time go? We are going into our second year. I am still angry but not like I was. More of a sadness. I don't have depression and I hope that never comes.

I did tell my H the other night that I wish he knew what the pain felt like that he has caused me. I told him he would never know and I am sad for that because he should know. It's not fair, it just isn't.

I look at H differently now. He isn't the man I thought he was. He really isn't even all that smart. He has been helping me in my business for the past 6 months and he has cost me more money and now maybe even an account I had for 16 years. What an eye opener!! Grrrrrr....It's like everything he touches turns to shit!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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