Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
August78
♀ New Member
Member # 32757
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone WS have trouble with remembering details?

I get frusturated because when I ask my WH about details of his meetings with OW, he says he doesnt remember. They texted 24-7, he met her on breaks or after work, but what their conversations were about, things he said, specifics, he said he doesnt remember. He gives me generalizations, like, we talked about her fiance, about her pregnancy with another man (yes, I know... yuck), about stupid stuff, etc... My WH cant hold a 20 minute phone conversation w me, we text no where near as much as they did... is this normal, I feel like I am being lied to...


BS me - 32
WS - 36
3 kids
D-Day: 5-24-2011

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sacramento, ca
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They remember. How could they not, this was a life changing experience. They just chose not to remember.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also like to know the answer to August78's question. My WH can't remember a thing, even though he can tell you what he and his sister discussed 4 years ago during a phone call.

Is this really just hiding the truth from us?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
gerrygirl
♀ Member
Member # 26294
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my BW's profile again...Bax

[This message edited by gerrygirl at 9:51 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)]


Me(BS)-45; Him (FWH)-43 (baxtersbff)
M - 20 years
DD - 16; DS -12
D-day #1: 8/12/07; D-day #2: 11/18/07; D-day #3 5/26/2010
Real R Begins - 5/27/2010

Posts: 962 | Registered: Nov 2009
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what I wrote...

For August78 and neverbelieve,

It is normal for the WS to to do this. Is it true that they don't remember? That's another story...

I think a lot of it is intentionally blocked out because it is just embarrassing to remember the details, much less tell them to your spouse. This doesn't mean that they don't remember though.

There are going to be the "ILY's", the "I wish we were together" comments, the "what's going on" questions, the "my spouse doesn't realize the M is over" comments, the "I got a new XYZ" stuff. There are going to be the conversations to try to help convince the OP that they need to take care of themselves and get out of their M. Some conversations will involves a lot of rewriting of the marital history or sometimes even outright spouse-bashing.

I know it is tougher than any WS can imagine, the type of pain the BS feels, but it is very tough for the WS to admit to many of the types of conversations listed above. It's embarrassing, hurtful to the BS, shocking to the WS that they could have said those things to the OP. So until the WS gets some footing and accepts their part in all of this, they are very likely going to resist bringing those conversations up again, even when we hear the BS telling us they need those details.

I guess the answer is yes, the WS will remember the details, maybe not all. And it takes a while for the WS to get to that point. Sometimes the BS is gone by the time the WS gets to the point of being honest.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6036 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtsobad1963...

If you have a respectful question to ask, please do so...otherwise keep the armchair quarter-backing off this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 191845 | Registered: May 2002
Nosay33
♀ Member
Member # 31626
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WS won't tell the truth and won't communicate his struggles, set backs or admit any of his wrong behaviors to me. He never brought up the fact that he is wanting to go out and be a predator and possibly meet a new woman to pursue, or struggling with subduing the behavior that would allow him to re-offend. He never let's me know when he is thinking of his AP, the one he left me for. He just keeps all that to himself.

Anytime he starts to tell any truth his fear of consequences and his self protective instincts hold him back, even make him chAnge his mind, back track and even lie to cover up and confuse the issue. He is frustrated by the fact that I don't believe him no matter what answer he gives me. He acts like he is helpless to stop this lying behavior.

I know I am part of the problem. All the new details and new info on how he doesn't love me, respect me or want me the way I need him to throws me into a tail spin and makes me want to give up separate everytime.

So last night he admits finally, than quickly back peddle, he is scared of re-offending and mentions some triggers. Sex scenes in movies, commercials (?) And then says walking to train and seeing women that he wants in the crowd. He quickly tries to say he is not scared of offending just scared to know how easy it would be.

Later that night I confronted him and he admitted that he back peddled, that he did mean what he said the first time, that he is afraid of going back to old boundaryless behaviors.

I ask him to explain the walking to train problem, and super long story short, he admits that he looks over the women walking around him and sometimes fanatasizes about them it think he like to 'fuck that ass' etc. He thinks this is normal. He tried to say that often women approach him, flirt with him while walking in the city to comment on his shoes or his bag and he knows what they really mean or really want.

I too have worked in the city. The only eye contact I ever have walking to/from a train would have to be initiated by me. So I believe it is him initiating this not random women. He says he does this 2-4 days a week.

I just feel it is another slap in my face along with the lying, and not meeting my other requirements like not answering all my questions promptly, not becoming defensive of his wrong actions, posting on SI or journalling on here daily.

He just doesn't get how his lackadaisical efforts to begin R with me, his words without actions to back them up, all pale in comparison to his efforts to pursue whores and how I am no longer prepared to wait idly by hoping for some real love, respect and a real man.

Comments please.


NoSay33 BS now/WS 14 yrs ago
dday 3-21-11
Married 22 yrs, 27 together
Kicked him out 4-11
Trickle Truth 5-4-11--Found out my WH has been having sexual affairs, sexting strangers for 16+ years and has had 2.5 year long sexual affairs with 1 woman

Posts: 190 | Registered: Mar 2011
August78
♀ New Member
Member # 32757
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bax, ty for the reply. He does tell me he badmouthed me and our marriage, she commiserated with him and told him he "deserves better". I guess the problem I have sometimes is I want words, conversations, I want a court reporter in the room to take notes!! I guess I am trying to understand and explain to myself the how's and why's. Our MC said it well today, that sometimes sin is just sin, its ugly, twisted, and lacking any truth. I need to remember that no matter what was said between them, it was lies, and I cant find truth in lies. It is probably just the hurt in me that drives me to figure things out, because it was not me who was in the fog, I have a hard time understanding foggy living...


BS me - 32
WS - 36
3 kids
D-Day: 5-24-2011

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sacramento, ca
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

August,

Here's more...and this isn't something that I can defend, just something that I keep coming back to. Maybe it is still a crutch...

For the WS in the fog, it is a reality.

I think we can all understand that A's are based on fantasy. But fantasy wouldn't have us all here on SI everyday. It becomes a reality, and for the WS in an A, it is an absolute reality at that time. That is part of why it is so hard to come to grips with what is said and done during A's.

sin is just sin, its ugly, twisted, and lacking any truth
I can see how this answer would work for many, but it leaves a lot of us hanging. I can't be happy with a statement like that. As a WH, I need an answer. I can't take a blanket statement and apply it to my situation. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just won't work for me. And that is okay.

Your statement about not being able to find truth in lies rings true for many. It will ring true for the WS eventually too. It takes time, and they have to be willing to go down that path, but they will get there. And at that point, the hope of many WS is that they can say "we will get there" and in this case, "we" means the BS and the WS.

WS can have hope too.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6036 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nosay33:

Your WH sounds like he's a sex addict. Is he in IC? He really needs an evaluation.

I just feel it is another slap in my face along with the lying, and not meeting my other requirements like not answering all my questions promptly, not becoming defensive of his wrong actions, posting on SI or journalling on here daily.

Honestly, you can put all the requirements you want on him, but if he's SA, it won't make a bit of difference. He needs professional help. I would focus on that as being your number one requirement for the time being.

I know I am part of the problem.

You, actually, you're not. But, if you're married to an addict (SA), which I suspect you are, you're going to need some special help to get through this whether you choose to R or D.

There's another thread for spouses of SA in the ICR forum. Have you checked it out? I'm not really familiar with SA, but I know there are tons of resources that can help you.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New Question:

WH said a week or so ago that he was very unhappy with everything in his life when he had his A. He still won't admit to having feelings for her - says it was just a stupid joke and he was laughing at her (it was a long distance EA with an exgirlfriend). To me 3 months seems like a long joke and most people would have gotten bored, but whatever.

So I asked him, if he was so unhappy, why didn't he just leave? Why did he have to have this A instead?

He responded that he didn't think he'd get caught, and if he did I'd just throw him out and he'd be free.

So how is it that if all this was true, when he was caught and I gave him the boot he realized almost instantly that he fucked up bad and called crying his eyes out to come home.

How can a WS be so indifferent for months on end and then when pushed have a flood of regret? How is the possible loss so blocked from one's mind?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it common for a WS to NOT feel disgust for th AP when the affair is over? My spouse has never expressed any type of "disgust" or "what was I thinking, going after HER?" type feelings for any of his ap's. What does that mean??


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve,

I had the same type of EA with xHSGF. I guess I don't understand how your WH could have an EA with it only being a joke. What would be the point then? Was he sexting with her? was there any physical/sexual component at all? Trading pics or something?It sounds like he isn't really accepting what happened, or admitting what it may have really been like for him.

While I never really thought about whether or not my BW would find out (I think I was sort of waiting for her to realize what I was doing), I do remember very vividly having the mindset that once my BW found out, I would be free and that she would have been the one to make that decision, so she would be "OK" with that. It was an attempt at an exit affair. When it came down to it, I couldn't follow through on being the one to D. Then, when BW finally had enough and started taking care of herself, I came around and we had the long, tearful conversations.
Personally, I think that what this represents is that the WS finally understands the truth or finally catches a glimpse of the reality of what they are doing. For that bried moment, all of the compartmentalization, justifying and whatever else we do comes crashing down and we are naked and vulnerable for that moment. Some WS will continue on in processing and healing and some will think that they have done enough once they have come "crawling back".

I think your WH has a ways to go.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6036 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyQ,

I don't think I have ever fealt disgust for the AP. It has taken me a while to get to the point of seeing how messed up MOW was and is. It took me a while to put everything in place to where I can feel I am not protecting MOW but I am not blaming her for my choice either. I think this is the journey to indifference that is brought up periodically in the Wayward forum.

There is a thread going on in one of the forums talking about how disgust is often a response for the newer WS on SI (look for a response posted by Hope24). It is expressed by new WS's quite often, but it isn't necessarily where the WS should be focusing their efforts, even though many BS's need to see that from their WS.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6036 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC told me during yesterday's session that my stbxh avoids me like the plague because he now sees me as a bit of a mother figure. Like, he knows he's bad and he knows that I completely disapprove. He wanted us to be "friends" when this all started, but, to me, that made absolutely no sense and showed his lack of emphathy and understanding for what he really did. My IC says that he has that internal struggle going on where he has to be selfish and horrible to try to make himself feel better, so he doesn't want to face anyone or anything that would make him face reality.

Did any other WSs feel this way? He absolutely avoids me, ignores me, could care less what happens to me and, after 16 years together and two small children, it feels most times like he would love nothing more than if I simply just - poouf - disappeared. I'm NC and have been for a long time now, but that's my perception - that NC never bothered him one bit and that the theory that he would come crawling back is sort of a crock of shit. I know that's not the true point of NC and I do it because I recognize that contact with him will make me feel worse than I do now. But, at the same time, I did want to be one of those BS who at least got the chance to decide if R was an option.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 4:36 PM, August 14th (Sunday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2497 | Registered: Jan 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme:

This was not what I experienced, but from what I've read here, it sounds like it was an exit A for him. To reconcile would mean facing his demons and he's not prepared (or perhaps compelled) to do that.

Best to keep up with the 180 and move on with your life. Don't wait for him to come around. That day may never happen.

(((hugs)))


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a fun one :)

What do WSs think of hysterical bonding, other than "Hey, I'm getting some!"? lol

For the BS, it can be a very raw, highly charged act. It's different than other sex with the WS. Do WSs have this same view of it, or is it more ordinary to the WS.

Thanks in advance!


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering...we are almost 2 years since dday, but like most BS, I went through the initial hysterical bonding phase...it is gone now, but was thinking back and WH seemed to go through something similar at first just after I found out about the A also... even though he would not stop seeing OW, he seemed to go through periods where he broke down and needed to hold me...it is also over now, but is this common with WS? We have a long 35+ year history.

Posts: 506 | Registered: Nov 2010
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neverbelieve:

What do WSs think of hysterical bonding, other than "Hey, I'm getting some!"? lol

Sadly it was a cold, violent act in my personal R. It was not an enjoyable memory in the least.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
nvr flt sch pain
♀ Member
Member # 31540
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if it is ok to ask thus here so please remove if not.
I want to know how a ws can say they love their bs yet carry out a long term or repeat a? How do they justify this in their heads, why and how can they do it to us? My wh says he doesn't know why this happened.
Also why can't they go nc, how is it that they feel it is on to be just friend after crossing the line?
I am currently separated but I still want to understand these things or I feel I win never get closure on this.
Thank you so much


BW-2gether 13 years, wed 09/09.
Dd1 OW1 6/7/2012 - 9 mnths pa/ea. Dd2 OW1 13/8/2010. Dd3 OW1 10/10, ons and ongoing ea.
Dd4 05/11 OW2 - EA/poss PA, plus other poss ONSs,other dodgy txts.
Dd5 03/12 date sites, sex chats & porn!
01/2013 - porno se

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: united kingdom
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.