NO! I am not sleeping with him, haven't been for sometime.
I thought I was doing the 180 pretty good but I don't think I have changed it in a fashion he see's. I've been doing many of the 180 rules for over a year and there's no changes. I need to take it up a notch but not sure how I can in my circumstances.
What does it matter if I'm seeing someone now after almost 6 months? He's the one who cheated not me. I'm with the kids all the time, no income, going to school, was left stranded how would I find the time to be with someone else?. I'm not having "sleepovers" like my H is doing. What is the meaning behind him needing to know if there's another man? Just the fact that he's not the only one who has moved on? Since he's found nothing and I have told him there is no one else...what's his ammo still? I put in a keylogger on Wednesday and he's been going throug hall my files, photos and any changes or deleted items on the computer. He can't get into my room anymore has has been very sullen since Monday when he discovered the new lock. He has however began talking more to me about randome things.
I told my H I wanted to R and go to MC, his response was that maybe he should do IC. That was the end of it. It will be 3 weeks this Sunday and I really want to kick him off the fence hard and so I am trying to get my ducks in a row before I begin the shots to him. First I will be dumping his clothings at the OW doorstep..which is really of her parents house since OW lives in the basement. I figure that will bring him out of the fog just enough to confront me which is whereI will again put that line in the sand VERY clear this time..HER OR ME and that's the end of it..find your balls NOW!
We are communicating only about the kids, small daily current events, NOTHING about us...we never do until I get to a point of needing to address issues. I try to 180 as much as I can but again the circumstances make it difficult. I need to shake him up and get him out of his PA cycle, because when I engage him he opens up and shows me emotions. He always goes back to the cycle I have no idea if things are progressing nicely or not with the OW during this time.
While he was looking thru things on the computer last night he found the 180 list, the 40 love dares info and a letter I had written to him basically my R letter with all the rules and regualtions but I hadn't given it to him. Last night was the first time he left really early in a long time with no reason.
Last night was the first time he left really early in a long time with no reason.
I hate to be optimistic sometimes, because I have seen it not pan out too many times, but your WH seems to be thinking about things, even if he isn't talking about them.
I keep going back to what happened to me, or rather what happened to my BW. She started taking care of herself. She wasn't going to go out and have an RA or anything, but she was going to do what was good for her. She was going to leave the kids with me, which would have made a huge impact on the fantasy that I was imagining with OW. But I don't think that BW was going to be filing for D. She was going to do what she wanted/needed in order to take care of herself and at the same time she was going to force me to grow up with a reality that I hadn't thought about before.
Have you outed the affair? Who knows about it?
Do you as WS want to know when you BS is hurting and triggering?
It's 2 weeks until our sons high school graduation. I have been stressing and hurting/crying quietly because it really, really hurts because SAWH MOW will be there.
Last night, I said to SAWH that I'm hurting terribly because of having to be there in the presence of the MOW.
SAWH: "Then don't go."
Me: "You're telling me not to go to our sons graduation?"
SAWH: "I don't know what else to tell you."
Me: "I need you to see that I'm hurting and try to understand that".
My SAWH doesn't want me to let him know I'm hurting. He also has told me recently that he feels no remorse.
[This message edited by momoffive at 7:31 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]
I have been reading random posts all over SI and often come across discussions about LTAs and the possibility of total change in the WS.
The consensus from both members and professionals seems to be that it is very unusual for a WS who has engaged in multiple LTAs, over a long period of time, to change. That the behaviour pattern is set and that the WS will eventually cheat again.
I would love to hear from FWSs who engaged in multiple LTAs over a long period of time and are now completely remorseful. I can't seem to find any myself.
R with FWH seems to be going well but I still have some really bad days and some success stories of this kind would really help me.
If anyone knows of any could you please let me know (pm if necessary) as I'd love to hear about some success stories.
You can read my story in my profile.
Here's why I'm asking: My STBXH NEVER badgered me during our 15 year M. I never badgered him. If there was something we couldn't do b/c of work or kids or something we couldn't afford, we just accepted it. I don't think OW is like that and my IC says we are probably seeing the start of their whole fantasy breaking apart.
In the past two weeks, STBXH has badgered me incessantly about giving in on certain things that we've already agreed to. My IC says he comes to these agreements, one of them was an important one about the kids, because he knows they are right. He knows that it's the right thing to do. However, he then tries to backtrack and convince me to agree to something else that obviously has nothing to do with the best interests of the kids, only the best interests of him. It seems to me that he's got a "little birdy" chirping in his ear about what he should and should not be doing and that she doesn't like his decisions. It's really odd to see, given that his personality was never like this with me. It's like he's desperate to make everyone somewhat happy - of course, I am not the primary concern at this point, but he knows that I am not being unreasonable and am really thinking of our children's well being. It's amazing that he would even attempt to sacrifice that for another person. ...
Is this the mindset of these OW? Let me say this while also telling you that OW is also divorced herself and my STBXH is the THIRD married man she's been with. ...
Question for FWS's: Is it possible to stay in A for longer than you really want to or is this some kind of excuse?
Also, Sorry1s response to you was pretty shitty, IMHO. He needs to be more understanding. Its a no-brainer. There are times when its hard to tell if the BS is struggling, that's why communication is key. That's also why threads like,"How Much Does My BS Hurt?" exist over in the WS forum.
His response to you was immature, selfish and mean. Plain and simple.
Obviously from the AP's track record & from common sense I'm sure you can tell their "relationship" won't last long as well as that they both seem terribly selfish. Sorry he's being an ass, but the dam will break. Two people like this won't last long.
I didn't realize how much damage I had done & how little I was helping till my H showed me SI & What Every WS Needs To Know as well as How Much Does My BS Hurt?
Those 2 threads really helped me pull my head out of my ass. The same might not go for your spouse, but change can only happen when the individual is truly ready.
Your D-day is very, very recent. It's a very good possibility your WS was and still is in the fog. Good luck with your MC, keep posting & get your WS on here when your ready.
Next day, my son has event at school asks me to come, asks his dad to come. We stay Away from each other. At lunch WH goes to buy a slice of pizza, walks by me, gives me half and continues on his way. Later on he leaves event. I call his parents house where he's staying to talk to Inlaws about arrangements for kids. WH answers, catches me off guard considering he told son he was leaving event to go to work. We argue . I ask him why he won't apologize to me. He says with venom he will never apologize to me and that he doesn't owe me anything.
He hangs up on me. I text him and basically tell him Off and threaten him with lawyer, calling ow as witness in divorce proceedings, child support etc...he texts me with "I have nothing I can do." I told him all I needed was an apology and he can't give me that. He then finally says "I love you guys, and I am more sorry then you know. I am sorry my anger leads me to do hurtful things. I am sick in the head and it's no reflection on you." I told him I was crushed by what he did, he said he was too. He also said "life has kicked the crap out of me I have nothing left". I haven't stopped crying since. His apology sent me from the anger phase to a meltdown.
This was early afternoon, I told him how badly I was hurting he said "me too, more then you know". I expected to hear from him later on, even a text to say "how are you doing?" nothing...so I guess my question is how sincere was the apology if it came only after threats and he wouldn't dO it on the phone or in person? I feel that him not checking to see how I was doing last night means he wasn't all that sincere...I just want to know he's sorry. Is that so bad?
[This message edited by Broken1Again at 5:55 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
I will say that I stayed in my A for much longer than I wanted. Why? I'm still working on that. My A was 2+ years. It was like an addiction and I couldn't say NO to AP. My guilty conscience kicked in farily early, and I kept waiting for his to kick in. Initially it was just all 'fun and games' and I really thought it would die out sooner than later. It didn't. He was way more into it than I was and I let him keep dragging me back in. It took a long time for me to be able to stand up for myself, even to a MOM.
I'm not sure this answers your question about it being an excuse, because even as I work on my own brokenness, everything still feels like I am making excuses. I do love this thread because it helps me to keep digging and thinking.
Peace to you, archernine.
My question is my XWS is living with his affair partner. Never told his children, me or his family. They have been carrying on for 2.5 yrs now. He is angry at me because I won't speak to him or be his friend. He came down this past weekend for our sons graduation and didn't tell me, his children or his family he was bringing her. Everyone was shocked. He introduced her as his fiance. I'm devastated. He has lied, cheated and tore our family apart. Why is he so angry at me. He accuses me of being a bad mother and threatens constantly to take the kids away. Sends awful texts (to which I don't respond) he also says he still has feelings for me, but doesn't miss me. If I had cleaned better we would still be together. I don't understand. Why he acts like this? Can someone please give me some insight? Thanks so much
Has your D been finalized? Sounds like he is playing head games. Maybe the shine has worn off with AP and he's upset that you're not still pining for him to come back to you. Bringing her to the graduation was to get a reaction out of you. I'd be wary of the threats to take the kids - stay NC with him and ignore his attempts to get your attention. And that's not even WS advice, that's woman to woman advice. ((stage))