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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&L. Agreed brother. Christmas tree this weekend. Santa. It's going to be a fun weekend.

WW will not be welcome.

FWIW, how do you guys deal with the holidays? I had DD for Thanksgiving, but WW will have her for Christmas. And that gives me the gag reflex just imagining how I'll feel.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two types of healing. First and foremost, we need to heal ourselves. Second, if BOTH parties have stepped up and played their respective rolls in their healing, then and only then can the M begin to heal.

Na, na, na! Continue on a bit further regarding the M. Once the A occurs the M as you knew it is dead and never to be repaired. You must start over. By that I mean is you can build a relationship with a new script and story line... maybe even better. But don't fool yourself into thinking you can ever get back what you had pre-A. It will never happen as memories will always blur the picture.

FWIW, how do you guys deal with the holidays?

jasper - any family or friends you can hang with instead. Plan to have your own Christmas celebration the week before or after... include family and friends. It is all good and you will survive it.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, its not about 'us' anymore. She burned that to the ground. I see my kids and the hole in their lives (where our family used to be). That hurts. And I will be the one making sure that the kids get on their way in life. She's too busy being a teenager to notice that she has three kids.

I've been seeing a great woman. She's beautiful, has the sex drive and skills of any three women I've ever known. For a while, I was going out a lot (e-dating is great when you're in your 50s), found out I could be a 'player' but found balancing multiple women expensive and tiresome.

I guess the idea of having her just move into a new life (OM, bars, concerts and being loaded most of the time) so different from how she behaved for 24+ years so bizarre. And once she went that way, she left our family, friends and everything but her family behind her, leaving me to explain to our lifelong friends what happened to her. There is no explanation other than 'she went nuts'.

I guess I just don't get how you can act like 25 years and all that happened during that time as if it never happened.

You guys are great! Thanks for your responses and your perspective. I read all the predecessor threads to #6 and learned a lot. But I also learned that I have a ways to go. Keep it comin'. I'll contribute any way I can.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it thyme...I think hnl's "2 types" differentiation is about that.

Remember how at first we'd be roped into discussions about "the M"?

We men are easy prey for this particular rabbit-trail (a false trail to the old, dead M as you point out).

One of the most common themes which appears with almost every newly betrayed mens' posts is taking responsibility for the state of the M.


This makes complete sense, it's our normal default setting:
-taking responsibility
-fixing stuff

It's easy-peasy for the manipulator-extraordinaire to get us involved in fruitless discussions "about the M" and how we should "fix it".

For anyone here still managing the fecal storm, I strongly believe that any attempt to address issues in the M should be immediately cut off. Suspended indefinitely. Until the REAL problem in the M is addressed.

Since she's the problem, and you can't fix her - after a varying amount of time, depending on individual fecal-tolerance, if they're not doing the work -
we detach.

It's funny in a way. If they are not remorseful, and subsequently transparent, I'm noticing that eventually their drooling idiocy does become transparent.

After time, when she'd try to steer the discussion toward the M - desperately avoiding her issues, my biggest problem was hiding my laughter.

I'm calm!
It's early.

PS - the "working on the M" fecal feint is not just a province of men either:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=384272&HL=17484

[This message edited by jjct at 9:59 AM, December 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I will be the one making sure that the kids get on their way in life.

Merlin, that's great. You're good. Told ya!

A word of warning...
After my first W cheated and moved in with the guy, I became a single dad. I started seeing the 'sex-drive of 3 women' woman.
After 15 years of the stereotypical marriage, and its bargaining for sex once a month if I was lucky,

it was a sexual disneyland.

More than anything else, what I regret most is the time I spent with her - which was not time with my boys.
This. This is the thing that I have that aches beyond my ability to express.
Lost. Time.

This is not about "being ready" for another relationship, the stuff you see on NB...and I'm not in any way suggesting you're not ready.

I need to go away for a bit, and I'm sorry for sounding like a downer, but never being able to get that time back...
Let my sadness be the warning.


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For anyone here still managing the fecal storm, I strongly believe that any attempt to address issues in the M should be immediately cut off. Suspended indefinitely. Until the REAL problem in the M is addressed.

jjct,

This I have done. But she just ate it up and kept going. As I said, I am 'the deceased'. When I confrinted her (2+ years back) I did offer to work on the marriage. She just said 'I can't do that right now' and expected me to keep our family while keeping her boyfriend. NFW could I do that and so I got her out of the house.

As for giving the woman in my life more time than my kids, thank you for your advice. I try to balance that but will be vigilant to make sure that I give my kids my all. Time is everything! Thanks for sharing your hard-earned lesson.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to the realization that WW thrives on drama. She needs it like oxygen. She doesn't feel truly alive unless there is great turbulence, chaos, disorder, and uproar in her life. Her A's were just the visible symptoms of that sickness. Life with me and our child became boring. Boring is the enemy of drama.

Is there any greater drama for a woman than to screw other men while her husband and baby is waiting at home? Is there any way for her to create more chaos in her life than this? The constant adrenaline rush must have been similar to when I was a meth addict in my youth.

I crave peace and order in my life. She brings chaos and drama. Yelling at her, making threats, stomping around the house, etc., feeds her drama addiction. So logically I must do the opposite.

These days I get my way by blunting her drama with "That's nice," "Sorry you feel that way," "I don't really care," "That's b.s." and "Whatever." These words are delivered in what she describes as my "Godfather" voice which she truly hates.

Step #1: take back your position as the man of the house.

Step #2: get rid of those nasty memories and feelings of guilt with a couple of squirts of "Guilt Be Gone"(or whatever works for you).

Step #3: Move on or move out and enjoy the only life you'll ever have(no offense to any reincarnationists). The sand in the hourglass of our life moves quickly.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite,

Great advice, good graphics. Thanks!


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper... You'll move past the guilt phase if you don't play into her panic....

The ex in my case pretty much went into a panic storm when I was moving on... She any and all control over me was over she went absolutely nuts... The OM had dumped her for the other three ho's he was screwing and suddenly she was standing there all alone without me as a backup plan...

jasper... I really think your STBXWW, like my ex figured out after the rainbows and butterflies of the OM were over that we'd moved on... They had completely lost any control of a situation that involved you or me...

It's an overwhelming panic of losing what they tossed in the trash... There wasn't any reasoning or rational thought process when the were in A heaven... Through the process of deamonizing us and rewriting history and getting their ego stroked (among other parts) we became disposable...

You're feeling guilty because that's what she's feeding you... Don't bite that apple... And you should be guilty why? Because she decided another guys dick tasted better than yours? Because she treated you and your DD like shit? Because you're done being her pawn in the crazy town game she plays?

My best friends would believe I had gone bat shit crazy to get back together with the ex and I trust my friends... I don't trust the ex....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, good advice. Thanks. Today's theme was not buying into the guilt and the drama. Worked well, and DD and I had a great day.

Mr Kite, nice touch with the graphics!


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear Jasper. Keep moving forward.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin, you sound like you've got a strong grip on things. I think everybody's sitch IS different. After awhile it boiled down to fundamentals,
burned the dross off, as it were... well, it was for me.
I got to feeling kind of naked,
exposed,
vulnerable and certainly raw
might be all that ball scratchin? IDK>

I just keep going to fundamentals, obviously!
Since I'm on a two-time losing team! That's the only thing I can figure out how to do.

You guys, SI...


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMW contact

i've finally decided to contact the OMW. this is almost one year (04 Jan 2010) after DDay. have to admit i'm nervous and not sure if after so much time i should be contacting her although i'm sure the OM either never told her or since my WW informed OM two weeks ago that i would be contacting OMW, he probably "massaged" the message to his favor. all the contact information i've been able to find is her work number and work email. tried the home and cell numbers but both are disconnected. i'm just not sure how to proceed and take the advice on SI/BM as the most trusted i've gotten in this nightmare i've been livng. is this the right thing to do by sending her an email at work or calling her at work? if so, is there a "form" letter that's used to inform her by email?

i'm lost but i've seen the light, finally.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
GeauxTigers
♂ Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit, I don't know how to answer your question, but your profile says (I think) that your WW is in NC, yet you say here she told the OM you were gonna contact his wife. What gives?


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GT,

she supposedly is in NC (although i can't tell since they work in the same office and have IM ability on the job). she found out about my intention to contact the OMW and told me she would break the NC to warn him of my intention. two weeks ago she saw OM in the gym and told him. supposedly there has not been contact since then (who knows?).

so there it is in a nutshell. i don't have home or cell #s for the OMW only work and work email. i'm not even sure what to write her especially after close to a year's time after DDay. but if i were in her place i would want to know.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit,

from what i gather there are two main prefered ways of doing it.

One with just a little evidence and the note encouraging her to contact you if she wants to talk or get copies of the evidence you have.

The other is to include all the evidence straight up.

Eitherway, for a start id suggest keeping your note very short and too the point. You might like to address why you are telling now, and didnt earlier, since id imagine thats what will cross her mind.

whatever you choose, try not to get your hopes up too much about what her reaction will be. It could be complete denial, she might have already known, she may even be angry and accuse you. ... Not all accept the evidence and work with the other BS to verify the new behaviour... even though that would be the best outcome.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit -- when I finally contacted the OM's W, it was several months after D-Day, and about 2 months after I had had a conversation with the him. He (OM) led me to believe that his wife was aware of things, but in the end she wasn't. I'm very glad that I contacted her, and likewise she was glad as well. Don't let time be a deterrant.

I emailed her at her work and the main points of my email were:

It's my understanding that you're probably aware of the affair between WW and OM.
If not, I'm sorry, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
I wonder if the "truth" that has been professed to me is the same as the "truth" that has been professed to you.
I asked if we could talk to compare notes.
If our spouses have been honest, then we'll validate that for each other.
If our spouses have not been honest, then we each deserve to know that as well.
Either way, we both win.

She replied almost immediately and we spoke the next day. As I found out then, she was not aware of anything until my email, and she forced it out of her husband that night. As a result the stories we each received pretty well matched up. It was very reassuring for me to have had that conversation.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 258 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit

Who the fuck is your wifes allegiance to?

OMG you should tell and shit she should be the one telling her.

Seeing all this stuff from the guys who D and reading stuff like this.

And thsoi is where I am at 3 years out.

The mentality that allowed the A in the first place is alive and well in my wife.

She will never change and my only job in staying right now is to make my kids life the best I can.

Oh and for her to feel reprocusions for any BS at all she does.

Benefit of the doubt is gone.

No longer believe in her...


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'lostcause111'

She will never change and my only job in staying right now is to make my kids life the best I can.

This!


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will never change and my only job in staying right now is to make my kids life the best I can.

Oh and for her to feel reprocusions for any BS at all she does.

I think its pretty sad that a M with such hope & promise at the beginning soon morphs into this sad state. But this is the best hope for my kids ATM.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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