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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google using these terms "fathers rights maryland" or "fathers rights virginia."

In order to keep this private you might want to get a separate credit card unknown to your WW.

The attorney can tell you on the phone what he needs before you meet with him.

Good luck!


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for why she’s still around... Either it’s because she fears the ramifications to her image, or she suddenly woke up and realized I really am a good man compared to the “others” she’s been around.

As for getting crap in gear for a divorce. I wasn’t secret about it at all. I went into a bank, started a checking account in my name and started depositing my paychecks and bonus’s into it. The other she knows I full access to is my personal retirement fund. I even made a new contact on my phone labeled “divorce lawyer”. I have a second home that hasn’t sold... took it off the market, had it repainted, professionally cleaned, and started “staging” it with furnishings. The reaction from my WW was priceless... pure panic.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL & Mr.Kite,

thanks for the quick responses and advice. i lawyered up finally. i have meetings next friday with two attorneys at two separate firms that specialize in father rights divorces. in addition, i've opened a separate bank account and signed up for two credit cards. also, opened a private mailbox account where all correspondence from attorneys, banks, etc will arrive.

i found a work email last night on her BB from OM. it was a file for work, no text, that she had deleted and needed but it got me thinking. i confronted her she became very defensive and said she can't take this anymore. she said that this was not breaking the NC this was a necessary work related email. my response was we had agreed that if there is any, ANY, contact of any sort with OM, she must tell me. If she had told me and i believed that there was no one else at work who could have given her the file than most probably i would have agreed. after everything that has happened, there is no way i'll catch them again on work email or phone. the job now has IM and basically they can do whatever, whenever they want. i'm completely blind and ignorant of what they are doing. so meet with attorney, understand my rights & children. then prepare for the next deceitful and manipulative attempt.

all this is exhausting. what a waste


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it's all so unnecessary and could have been avoided had our WW's not gone that route but here we are mkgit.

Hopefully the actions you are taking will shake your WW out of her fog. If not, at least you will have done the best you could to cover your own butt.

A few weeks ago I gave my WW a list of demands that she needed to agree to in order for me to stick around. It was a battle royale that lasted most of Sunday. Once I trotted out the separation agreement and the lawyer contacts, she came to her senses. Or at least that's how it seems so far. Until I became firm and resolute, it was all just empty talk and she ignored me.

It's a flip of the coin. Either she will see the light and do the work necessary to R, or she will go the S/D route and the M will be over. Either way it's better than the hell that is limbo.

Hope all works out for the best for you in your situation.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr.Kite

I guess my follow on question is when to lay all this on her? or do i keep it close to the chest until she really does threaten S/D?

there is a part of me that wants to write the OM an email response to the email he sent WW. basically asking him "what about NC don't you understand?". but i suspect it was my wife who re initiated contact however "innocent". i feel like writing her bosses an email and describing everything to them and let the chips fall where they may. probably not thinking straight. its been been a sh+tty day and i'm ranting.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Until I became firm and resolute, it was all just empty talk and she ignored me."

Exactly. Same in my sitch. My WW is beginning to move towards R, but I am still not holding my breath. I really dont care if the chips fall in D or R at this point. And THAT, I believe is what is driving her towards R...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my follow on question is when to lay all this on her? or do i keep it close to the chest until she really does threaten S/D?

Keep it to yourself until you've spent some time with the lawyers and they've laid out all your options.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:59 PM, December 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted something in General and didnt get any response....for those of you in MC, what should I expect. The ww and I went to an appointment, and it wasnt good or bad, it wasnt what I expected though....for the most part the guy didnt say or do much , and diverted the conversation away from the cheating....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole finding the right MC thing is a crapshoot. Even with a recommendation you're still relying on one person's opinion and that particular MC might not be right for your situation. Keep looking until you find the right one.

Who's the right MC? We had a couple of them who consoled WW as she wept and kept saying "there, there." That's the wrong one. Find someone who will hold her accountable for her wrong actions. Good luck!


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kite.

It was only one hour and as previously stated, not good or bad....just a vibe.

I mention cheating, the WW mentions communication and my hearing loss in my left ear, and somehow both of them are grilling me on getting a hearing aid...didnt want to let my ace card slip that I ignore her outburst or demanding shit and "tune in" only when relevant, especially since the A......which ironically she claims my hearing loss has gotten worse over the past few months


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a course helping a few folks to work on better communication is so much easier than dealing with the shit pile that is infidelity, besides if the therapy doesn work out, well its cause they wernt communicating properly... nothing to do with the shit pile... oh no!

i dont really know what to expect from a good MC... we never had one.

Ours after the first two sessions would open up with a hows your week/fortnight been... Invariably there was somehting that had cropped up that we could argue about, the MC allowed us to argue a while the interjected and tied to either get us to acknowledge the otherpersons viewpoint, or agree... or told us outright that one of us was wrong (i feel like that was mostly me)...

on the last session i called him out told him i wasnt getting anything out of this... i said all we do is come here and argue about some shit in front of you.... most of the itme i come in good mood and leave feeling angry and misunderstood.

He said well you guys as a couple choose to argue... we could have done something else if you wanted too.

I was a bit dumbstruck at that.... Afterwards i was thinking but arnt we going to him because he's supposed to help us. Isnt he the one thats supposed to show us other things to do than argue? if i already knew what to do i wouldnt have been going to him....

erm... sorry im venting again about that fucken stupid MC we had, It was him that first planted the idea of seperating into my wifes head....

my lesson to you... a poor MC may do more harm than good.... if your MC is a tosspot toss'em quick.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice....I am on guard for stupidity and tree hugging. He did call my wife out on one thing dealing with my kids from my first marriage and told her she lacked empathy and needed to act like an adult.

But the whole hug a tree thing and jumping in to tell me to get a hearing aid was a little rediculous. And avoiding the cheating issue entirely was disapppointing. Granted, I realize there are a ton of other issues to deal with but that shitstorm is what brought us to the brink. That issue is what is going to make us D.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my false R, we had a very good MC. We did focus on communication and it has really helped the marriage. The problem we faced is that we’d argue over any complaint. We couldn’t stay on topic, we’d get defensive and angry even over little crap, would escalate it, and nothing was ever resolved. We’d both walk away angry and resenting each other even more. I’d retreat into silence and she’d go off on anything. So MC did help us there even when she was lying about “her friends” during that time.
So, once we learned how to communicate better, it did become easier to talk and ask questions about the affairs when she finally confessed without getting the attitude and deflective answers. Without it, I’d say we didn’t stand a chance at all... that’s how bad we communicated when handling conflict.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, Kite.

regarding MC. it is a crapshoot. first one was bs and the second one is fantastic. really focusing on WW own her sh+t but also not letting me off the hook. WW can't stand her :) call me cynical and old, but i think its a societal problem. seems no one these days wants to man up and take responsibility. they'd rather find excuses or blame it on etc, etc, etc.

oh,well. enjoy the weekend, gents


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marriage is like a deck of cards


In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade."

True Story 64! All too True!


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When NC Is Permenant

When her affair was revealed, we separated and she moved out, following a period of histrionics about how bad a husband I'd been and how she never loved me (24+ years married, 3 kids and what I thought was a strong marriage) and our ongoing (2+ year divorce.) We don't talk unless its about kids. Look, I own at least half of whatever was wrong with the marriage though none of her affair and the destruction on our marriage and family. There was never violence or even disrespect from me towards her. From my view, it was a good marriage.

Two + years on, she still has her bad boy lover who drives the car I still pay for. She lives in a two bedroom dump (with our three kids when they are not with me). Can there really be nothing to say after all this time, all this life and all we shared?

I do use NC as a way not to lose my mind. And I am open to her. But she won't ever deal with this I guess.

Is this typical? Can anyone help me understand how she can 'go dark'. Even our children find this difficult and strange.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1069 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome, merlin-sorry you've been replaces by the bigger better deal(look for a post by Razor a page back).

I'd say it was pretty typical-my WW sent texts stating "I hate my husband" to her friends. But now she is still here-go figure.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fleet,

Thanks. If he was 'bigger better deal' rather than a multiple dui, unemployed bum, well maybe.

As for any references to me, they don't exist. I'm treated as 'the deceased'. Its like I never existed.

God knows, I don't want her back. Who she is now is no one I want to know.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1069 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can there really be nothing to say after all this time, all this life and all we shared?

Is this typical? Can anyone help me understand how she can 'go dark'. Even our children find this difficult and strange.

Can only speak for my own WW, Merlin. She was always 'dark,' I just didn't realize it. Heck, I'm pretty sure she didn't either.

She told my pastor she hated me and said the same thing to my face. Why? I have no idea. Never cheated on her, never hit her, no porno habit, worked and brought the paycheck home, went to school, helped raise our son, etc. It's a mystery.

I no longer give a damn what she thinks about me, nor am I interested in becoming the man she wants me to be. Why drive yourself crazy with the irrational, illogical thinking of someone like that?

My younger brother went through the same thing two years ago. His WW just decided to screw some guy for the heck of it and kicked her husband and children to the curb after she hit her 40's.

Now the teenage daughter lives with friends, his young son lives with his mother in another city, and my brother just lost his house and savings. A family devastated by selfishness. There is no answer to this kind of behavior. It's madness!


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
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