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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
Butchannon
♂ Member
Member # 28656
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am numb. Eventhough she has done that to me I still love her. I still believe there is a hope. Maybe I just didn't come out of the fog yet...


Me (BBF): 27, her (WGF): 24 - at least 6 months of multiple A's in the beginning of relationship, nude pictures, webcam sex
DDay: 12/21/09 - told her to leave
1 kid (BDay 09/22/09) - mine, confirmed by DNA test
STDs: HPV, Chlamydia

Posts: 319 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Europe
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first, i really appreciate from everyone all the advice and words of encouragement i received last night. it meant a lot to me and made me feel someone was in my corner finally.

I read "Not Just Friends" months ago and its descriptions of an EA were exactly what had happened to my WW and OM. my wife refused to read any part of it or allow me to explain to her some of the very pertinent descriptions. its as if she has to maintain this mask and if she really saw herself and the actions committed it would devastated her illusion/delusions of a good person. she keeps stating to me to get over "it" that its been over 11 months now and we need to move on. I wish i could. there were days in the beginning when i would have gladly submitted to a memory brainwash to erase this garbage from my head. thank god, though most days i'm relieved this happened since now my eyes are finally open and i'm a little less naive and gullible than i was.

guys, to show you how behind i am on this, i finally decided to contact the OMW one week ago (i know, 11 months later). my wife found out beforehand and was very angry. she kept stating "why now, why 11 months later?". she dropped the gauntlet by stating that if i decided to do this that she would break the NC to tell OM that i was going to contact his spouse because according to her "she wouldn't want her worst enemy to suffer through what she has". i told her its going to happen since the OMW has a right to know. she might already know (I doubt it though) or deny it and accuse me of trying to sabotage her marriage. yeah right. so she saw him last week at the office gym and told him. he was very angry and told her his wife had just had surgery and would be out of commission for 6 weeks. probably some truth to this since his wife suffers from Lou Gehrig's, but with that coward any excuse is possible. i haven't contacted the OMW yet since i only have her mailing address but no email. can't say i'm comfortable knocking on their front door and not sure if i should.

regardless, tomorrow i'm contacting lawyers so if this R continues to go south i can protect myself and most importantly, my kids.

thanks again and best


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butchannon,

If you want 50/50 custody, then it's an unfortunate precendent that you're only seeing your kids once a week. In my state, if there's a custody battle, the courts are heavily inclined to maintain the status quo, which in your case would mean she gets full custody and you have visitation rights.

If you want more custody than you currently have, I suggest talking to your lawyer about the precedent that's been set, and what effect that might have.

I know, it's a bunch of crap.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the spirit of Mr Kite's assertion that there is no such thing as a threadjack in this thread, and in the spirit of Jimi's T-day post about ball scratching and not giving a fuck, I just want to mention that today is my day for celebrating being alone and not giving a fuck.

I'm back from a fun, but slightly stressful holiday with the family. DD is with WW, and I am planning to do nothing today.

Went for a long treadmill run at the gym, and now I stink, and I don't care. In fact, I like it.

All I'm going to do today is sit on my ass, watch football, treat the dog to a nice long walk around town, and think about what I want for dinner.

And the best part is, the woman I'm seeing will be returning from her T-giving holiday tonight, and I will go over to her place to chill for a while once she gets her kids to bed. (I will shower before I do this -- she is not ready for smelly Jasper yet). I guess tht goes against the "aloneness" theme, but it's still an awesome way to cap off a long weekend.

I am doing nothing responsible today. I am going to have some awesome alone-time until tonight. This is a total "I don't give a fuck" day, and I'm loving it.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butch,
Maybe I just didn't come out of the fog yet...

It's been a year, buddy. You can still be in love with her, and you can still be confused, but you've got to take some sort of action. The situation you're in doesn't sound sustainable. How long can you keep it up? It must be taking its toll on you.

What elements of your situation do you most want to change? Maybe start with those, and gradually come up with ways to improve your situation.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Butchannon
♂ Member
Member # 28656
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I can do anymore. My lawyer said we could not get more visitations/custody in the moment...


Me (BBF): 27, her (WGF): 24 - at least 6 months of multiple A's in the beginning of relationship, nude pictures, webcam sex
DDay: 12/21/09 - told her to leave
1 kid (BDay 09/22/09) - mine, confirmed by DNA test
STDs: HPV, Chlamydia

Posts: 319 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Europe
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Assuming you did go forward with divorce, maybe your wife would be agreeable to 50/50. Is that what you would want?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butchannon -

I've been through a divorce with kids in the liberal bitch fuck a man over state of California.

The key is to establish AND DOCUMENT the time spent with your kids. I took my kids one day throughout the week and every weekend for 8 months. I now see them less because as they've grown older they have more sports, dance, etc, that I cannot interfere with (well, I wont, cause they want to do it).

Thats the key. ESTABLISH CUSTODY. DOCUMENT IT. AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 11:34 PM, November 28th (Sunday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
quedagh
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Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... the time is rolling around for the next violent outburst from xww.

Taking the normal precautions-- not alone with her anywhere but in public being the most effective. Recharged the VAR batteries, of course.

I wanted to ask if any of you have a violent streaked wayward? What do you do?

I will mention that there is no recourse, legally, regarding this... from direct experience... so I do what I can given the circumstances.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Butchannon,

Is that your own Lawyer? or still that Family Center person? If its your own lawyer and there really is nothing legally more you can do... then well Bro, you gotta look at what you can do to start moving on. After a year of seperation if ther has been no movement in your direction from her, then your unlikely to ever see any movement, even then detaching and going your own way doesnt rule out an improvement later on.

Are you really still in Love with your GF? or is it that you still love the Image, the idea you had of her?

When you go for visitation hows that going? are you still trying to play happy families or do you get to take DD away for your visitation to do what you want without the interference from your GF's Parents?

Butchannon, you had every right to kick your GF out when you discovered her deceit her cheating. If she really loved you, if she was really commited to the Relationship then she would have done anything to save it.... If you judge her commitment to you and the Relationship by her actions, then youll see that it wasnt all that great to begin with.

@mkgit,

From what you have written here it sounds like your WW, refuses to even accept that what she did was wrong, that she has no empathy or understanding of the impact that it has had on you, that she refuses to inconvienience herself with any steps to help you heal from this trauma, and that she flat out refuses to do any introspection or work on herself.

I seriously suggest that you take the time to work out what your personal boundaries are, how will you accept being treated, what do you expect from those around you, what do you expect from yourself? Doing this writing them down, will really help you to see what it is that you want.

Unfortunately, given your WW's reaction to what has happened, i really dont see that there is much hope for your M to recover in the way that you probably want. Sure if you let her sweep it under the carpet, and compartmentalise away the pain then your M may well be able to go on.... for how long though. When will she have her next EA... when will she have her first PA? what will it do to you? what will living in that dynamic do to your kids?

Unfortunately if the WS's isnt able to meet the requirements of the BS then i really do believe that S&D is the best option. Each BS has their own level of requirement, and each is perfectly acceptabel and within their rights to demand that, just as each WS needs to decide if they are willing to meet them.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes q, mine was violent. I packed up all her stuff and sent her to live with her mom.
Minimize contact to bare minimum.

VAR & meeting in public sounds good.
Is this during kid exchange?
or is this an R after D thing?
iow, wondering why you're exposed to her.

You might be able to get some more ideas here:

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/bibliography/


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
survivorman
♂ Member
Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit: Like you, my WW -- who also had an EA -- learned I was going to call OMW. Well, I had sort of broadly hinted at it, which was stupid. So she also called OM to warn him that I was feeling "vindictive" and was going to hassle his wife. This led to one of my favorite waywardisms of all time when after I spoke with OMW, I asked WW why she'd felt compelled to call OM about it.

"I thought it was the decent thing to do," she said. "I really respect their marriage."

It's yet another reminder that most things your WW says about you or about the affair are lies. If you haven't independently confirmed that OM's wife has ALS, don't believe it. She may or may not have had surgery, but definitely don't take your wife's word for it.

If you need to look up her number, give Zabasearch or Pipl.com a try. Worst comes to worst, drop $20 on a background search of OM and turn up his home number that way. I wouldn't entrust this to the mail -- it's too easy to intercept. I mean, OM is probably gaslighting his wife too.

I largely agree with what SCD wrote above, but remember that this is a personal decision. Lots of guys find it possible to gut it through a long remorseless phase in recovery, and several of them are right here. Others hit the wall much sooner. Neither is right or wrong, and there are examples of WWs who do eventually show remorse and own their shit. Fact is, it's a long, hard journey either way, which is why so many folks tell you take care of yourself and your kids first.


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quedagh.

So... the time is rolling around for the next violent outburst from xww.
Taking the normal precautions-- not alone with her anywhere but in public being the most effective. Recharged the VAR batteries, of course.

I wanted to ask if any of you have a violent streaked wayward? What do you do?

I will mention that there is no recourse, legally, regarding this... from direct experience... so I do what I can given the circumstances.

Hard to quantify or qualify what is *violence* with women. But I think I qualify.

She never struck out at me. Not ever. I think she knows better.

Violence tho comes in lotsa forms tho.

Back in the 70s it was vogue to have plants in you house (or apt). WW once got angry with me (this shortly after M) and broke all me plants. Dirt was every where.

I have long lost track of all the holes in the walls of our home I have patched.

Many of me things have been destroyed.

WW take a hammer to a motorcycle I had back in early 80s because (her words) I was working late to much.

WW anger is epic.

You see I grew up in a violent home. Me father regular beat the crap out of us. He had no *favorites* so much as that goes. Me brothers and me mostly caught the brunt of it. Me sisters some times were slapped. Mostly by me Ma tho.

This has caused me to be more.. I dont know the right word. Thoughtful? Rational? Withdrawn? All those together when me and WW argue. I become still. I listen to what she is saying. And I try and answer rationally. I believe this was a sort of surviving mechanism I used as a child. And now as a old man. Its here to stay.

WW anger tho I see as a tool she use to keep me at a distance. She know I am befuddled when her anger becomes irrational. Monkeys crawling out her ears - that kinda stuff. I have no retort then. There is nothing you can say to some one with monkeys in they ears. Nothing gets solved that way. Nothing gets done. But I am kept at bay.

So anger in this way can be another tool of abuse. Another tool of violence.

I have no advice on how to handle this.

I can say tho. That me perspective over this past couple year have changed much.

As a younger man I knew I had to keep the M. I was very worry about me boys being raised by OM (even in part). I was worry about loosing so much of what I work so hard for just because WW choose to screw around.

Mostly tho. The stupid morals I was raised with kept me utterly committed to a abusive M. Even tho I have lost me faith. I still swim in the morals I was taught as a child. In our faith D is a sin. There were no circumstances. NONE. NOT even infidelity. Not even insanity. Not even criminal behavior. That would allow D. I clearly recall me Ma telling me that I had best choose well when M because no matter what I would be with that person for the rest of me life.

And I kick me self because even tho I know these notions are out dated. I still follow them. I just cant break my up bringing. They are me beliefs tho. And as such I must stand by them. Even if it mean I stay M to a woman that many times I view as certifiable insane. And. Really. How dumb is that?

ETA. (that was incomplete)

Now I literally do not engage in WW anger. And I have more clear boundaries. And today if WW were to contact OM again. Or even create situ where I believe she contact OM again. I will leave her. Not D. But S. And if she want D then its on her.

It bothers me allot when I hear WW complain how they BH cant *get over it*. Then they blame they BH for they M ending. And they D they BH. Taking 50% of every thing and some times full custody of kids. And WW feel ok with it because in they mind it is all they BH fault because *BH just wont get over it*.

For me now. Kids are grown and M. If me and WW D or S. I believe she will use mind poison on me boys. May be ruin me relationship with them. But I gotta believe that sooner or later the truth will come out.

So as time has gone by. I am closer to doing the D or S thing if need arise.

Razor

[This message edited by Razor at 10:06 AM, November 29th (Monday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3044 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quedagh:
WW has thrown pottery on the kitchen floor. There are still places where the tile is broken. One time she grabbed me by the shirt and slammed me up against the sink. Lifted her up by the arms and gave a squeeze. That put an end to it. But mostly it's been passive/aggressive behavior. Meeting only in public, VAR, and documenting everything is the best plan for dealing with a violence prone nutjob. Sounds like you are on top of that.

You see I grew up in a violent home. This has caused me to be more.. I dont know the right word. Thoughtful? Rational? Withdrawn?

Same here. For those of us brought up by the WWII generation this was not considered child abuse but the norm. Dad hit mom and us. Mom hit us when dad wasn't around. Sick way of growing up.

In our faith D is a sin. There were no circumstances. NONE. NOT even infidelity. Not even insanity. Not even criminal behavior. That would allow D.

According to my beliefs, infidelity is the one out. Still there is a moral/religious stigma to divorce in any case especially among the church crowd. My pastor is divorced and remarried. I've been divorced twice. I'm allowed to minister in the prisons but not in the church due to the mess that my marriage is. Hypocrites!

For me now. Kids are grown and M. If me and WW D or S. I believe she will use mind poison on me boys. May be ruin me relationship with them. But I gotta believe that sooner or later the truth will come out.

This is the one trump card I have left in the M. WW is terrified that I will reveal her evil past to our son. I would never do that in any case. I've become more and more convinced that's the only reason she's making any attempt at R. It makes me wonder how many of us have revealed the truth to our children and how that went down?


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr.Kite.

This is the one trump card I have left in the M. WW is terrified that I will reveal her evil past to our son. I would never do that in any case. I've become more and more convinced that's the only reason she's making any attempt at R. It makes me wonder how many of us have revealed the truth to our children and how that went down?

I dont know how me kids would take in this info. Probably cant know until it happens.

WW tell me she has secreted away letters to our kids telling *her side of the story* (read that as her cheating was all my fault cause Im just a abusive bastard). These letters are probably with her GF so no way I can get me hands on them. Still tho. Im not overly worried about them.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3044 | Registered: Sep 2007
Butchannon
♂ Member
Member # 28656
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@sourcherrydrops

Is that your own Lawyer?

Yes, it is my own lawyer. He said my daughter is too little to be alone with me for more days and the distance would be too hard for her to handle.


Are you really still in Love with your GF? or is it that you still love the Image, the idea you had of her?

I can't imagine a life without her. But I think it isn't fair what she and her family has done to me. I am emotionally completely destroyed, without any self-esteem left. I think they resent me for the way I handled things - they think I should talked to her, not to tell her to leave because we have a child together and it seems cruel to do something like that.


When you go for visitation hows that going? are you still trying to play happy families or do you get to take DD away for your visitation to do what you want without the interference from your GF's Parents?

Her parents leave us alone. We go to walks, to spa, to mall, she cooks for me, we play together with daughter, she picks me up on the station (I don't need to go with cab anymore). She said she was sorry she caused me that pain.

Butchannon, you had every right to kick your GF out when you discovered her deceit her cheating. If she really loved you, if she was really commited to the Relationship then she would have done anything to save it....

Do you think that if I really loved her I wouldn't have told her to leave? That I would have had a conversation with her only and tried to save things?


Me (BBF): 27, her (WGF): 24 - at least 6 months of multiple A's in the beginning of relationship, nude pictures, webcam sex
DDay: 12/21/09 - told her to leave
1 kid (BDay 09/22/09) - mine, confirmed by DNA test
STDs: HPV, Chlamydia

Posts: 319 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Europe
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said my daughter is too little to be alone with me for more days and the distance would be too hard for her to handle.

is your daughter breast-feeding?
I kept both kids @home as babies(bottle-fed), I did every bit as good a job as any woman could.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Butchannon
♂ Member
Member # 28656
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is your daughter breast-feeding?

No, she isn't. She has milk from a bottle almost from the beginning. But here in our country all people think child should be with mother.


Me (BBF): 27, her (WGF): 24 - at least 6 months of multiple A's in the beginning of relationship, nude pictures, webcam sex
DDay: 12/21/09 - told her to leave
1 kid (BDay 09/22/09) - mine, confirmed by DNA test
STDs: HPV, Chlamydia

Posts: 319 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Europe
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No reason in the world why you cannot take care of her, unless you are handicapped in some way.

I hd never kept a baby in my life, but i kept both ours from 1 month on...she made more $$ than me, so I stayed home w/the infants while she wnt to work.

Its the same stupid bias which screws every BH in the courtroom here also

[This message edited by 64fleet at 12:29 PM, November 29th (Monday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do you live? I'm assuming the laws are different there than they are in the US, but maybe some of your fellow countrymen on the board can offer some advice.

Would it be easier to establish a more 2-sided co-parenting agreement if you lived closer? Is that an option?


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
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