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User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Wink  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEED ADVICE

Sorry Gents. i had my 5month old on my lap and missed typed OW when meaning OM.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey mkgit

What do you want to do?

No matter what, I would find the best attorney you can and get a game plan together in case divorce does happen.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mkgit,

I second the advice from wh5...

Even if your WW's comments were only said in the heat of the moment and you are able to continue to work on your M (if that is what you want), obtaining legal advice on where you might stand in the event of D regarding custody/contact with your children and property division is definitely a good idea. Best to be well informed IMO...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
mkgit
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Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the reply,

part of my problem is i can't get my head straight on what to do. there are days when i think i can make this M work and work with my spouse. most of the time, though, its as if i have a roommate who i don't particularly care for let alone "love". I just don't understand why this hasn't improved after 11 months since DDay!! she has supposedly done everything i've asked (NC, apologies to me,etc). IC has helped at least in terms of the hurt i felt for months but now that hurt has turned to plain anger and a general feeling of despising her. in my prior life I spent time overseas on deployments and had a lot of opportunities to engage in infidelity many of the married guys who deployed with me were doing it but i couldn't do it. it didn't feel right and I kept having my father's saying in my head ("if you were the man you wanted to be how would you act?")
i feel "cheated" like i played by the rules (good husband, great father, etc) but she wasn't reading the rule book (naive, i know).

so, long story short, i don't know what i want to do. i'm tired of the pain and anxious of the pain my children are going to go through. if i can't get over this and D is the only alternative then i want the best possible outcome (meaning keeping my children).

i have copies of the emails that were exchanged btw my WW and OM but nothing else and none of the emails confirm a PA.

thanks


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mention IC for yourself. What has she done to figure out why she cheated?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
mkgit
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Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh5,

initially she attended about 8 MC sessions with me but was very uncomfortable with the therapist. she said that the therapist was judging her as a bad person. i didn't see it that way. when i suggested she go to an IC with same she flat out refused and said she'd get her own therapist. i agreed but i wanted their name and when she would start attending. she wasn't happy with that and hasn't provided either detail yet. i think she's using it as an escape to quit therapy. although career and financially successful she is really emotionally immature. she craves attention and being liked since she didn't get that from her parents especially her mother, who constantly criticized her. so tonight i came home (after having one beer) and one thing led to another (i should really have avoided her) and the end result was her stating how abusive i am and that this M is not working and we should contact lawyers, probably Monday. there is a part of me that wants to quiet her down for now until i do get my ducks in a row and have the legal aspect all worked out. that way i can be confident and prepared when the next Tsunami hits.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
jasper
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Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone interested in a high milage '43 blonde? (multiple owners)
Ats -

mkgit - you sounds like a stand-up guy, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but it's great that you've found yourself here.

Regarding kids: they are resilient. And they are perceptive. They will pick up on marital tension, so don't stay solely to keep them from being upset.

Please follow the advice given by WH5 and Lotsa and speak to an attorney to understand your options.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I have been following SI, especially the BM portion, for 2 months now. I can honestly say that in addition to IC, SI has allowed me to maintain the little sanity i have remaining. my only regret is i did not start back in Jan 2010 when i discovered the EA (PA?). oh well, better late than never.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi mkgit.
When there's a case of being stuck, not making progress, plus an increase of frustration...despite doing "your part": IC, MC, whatever you could DO to work on it, the culprit is usually a WS who isn't doing "their job".

wh5 asked the open-ended question that reveals this to be true in your sitch.

I'm sorry. Without remorse, any time spent in managing the fallout in a betrayed marriage =
Titanic + deck chair arranging.

At least know that. That the reason for your mounting frustration and anger has to do with WW not doing her job.
"IT'S NOT YOU!"
Hope that helps some.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit - glad to hear you have been following along. SI is a godsend, and saved me from making some serious mistakes, and making my situation worse.

Post often, and ask every question you can think of. You will be overwhelmed with great advice. This is a wise bunch of people.

But protect yourself. Do the work you need to do, regardless of the level of participation you get from your WW.

We're all here for you.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper et al

you're absolutely right! just following SI for two months made me feel like i wasn't the only guy who's been played for a sap.

something i didn't add in my original post was upon our return from overseas i went with my wife to work and confronted the OM. we sat in his office calmly discussing what had happened. i really didn't lose my cool except when he would say stupid statements such as "there is really nothing to worry about it was harmless" and "nothing was going on this was never a threat." so i stood up looking down on him and said "then you have no problem if I relate this to your spouse, FK Head!" his jaw dropped and not another word was heard from him. I ended it by called him a boy who shaves and that he doesn't have the right to call himself a father to three children.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lotsa
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Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit,

Does your WW acknowledge thar her relationship with OM was inappropriate at all? Or does she seem to just be going through the motions because you caught her out?


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
mkgit
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Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa

the regret seems a combination between being caught and some remorse for the hurt she's caused me. but i haven't seen a sense of remorse that what she did was wrong or in her original words, "it was innocent, just flirtation." since she sees it as an EA that it isn't really cheating.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so..."no" is the answer, since she doesn't acknowledge..rather clings to her original assertion.

In a few moments, I'll post a thread in General that I hope helps you more.

You're good here, mk. These wise guys DEFINITELY got yer back.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Lotsa
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Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"it was innocent, just flirtation." since she sees it as an EA that it isn't really cheating.

I can see why it's been impossible to get past first base.

For me, the absence of any acknowledgement of wrong-doing, despite evidence clearly to the contrary, would make it impossible to consider moving forward.

"Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass is a good resource that explains the devastation an EA can cause to a M. If you haven't already, it might be something to consider encouraging her to read to verify the impact her conduct has had on your M.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the regret seems a combination between being caught and some remorse for the hurt she's caused me. but i haven't seen a sense of remorse that what she did was wrong or in her original words, "it was innocent, just flirtation." since she sees it as an EA that it isn't really cheating.

Unfortunately, lots of those EA's are PA's they lie about. My M was shit for over a year after exposing and shutting down the EA that actually went underground and became a PA.

If since you shut her down she has given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech", told you she needs space and is afraid of not being able to support herself, and has been strident about her privacy, then there might be some more going on there.

Full transparency means she has given you access to everything and knows that's what you need to rebuild trust. If you got that then maybe it's just your dealbreaker. Nothing wrong with not being happy, other than, well, you're not happy. What do *you* want, man? That's the big one.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:02 PM, November 27th (Saturday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit: first of all welcome to SI, the no-fog zone.

I found this site in June after 16 years of raising my son amidst the thick fog of a marriage torn asunder. I had practically zero information during all those years. All that changed once I began to read and interact on this site on a daily basis. WW has absolutely learned to hate it.

If there was an opportunity to do everything over again I would:
a) get a DNA test
b) get a blood test for STD's
c) understand that everything A related that came out of WW's mouth was either a lie or a distortion of the facts
d) lawyer up and head for S/D

The damage our silent-hate marriage did to my son still eats at me today.

There are lots of fine men and women on this site who will answer any questions you have in the forum or by way of pm's. Know that you are not alone on this sad journey.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit: In addition to the advice you've already gotten, I'd encourage you to follow through by contacting the OM's wife. Send her a copy of the emails if you have her address. Then watch your wife's reaction. If she erupts with rage -- as I strongly suspect she will -- then you'll know just how much this affair (EA *or* PA) means to her.

In the meantime, you'll have done the right thing by alerting OMW to the rot in her own marriage, asserted yourself, and maybe -- just maybe -- dealt a serious blow to your wife's affair. These are all good things, no matter how this ends up going for you.

Btw, ignore anything your WW says while she's angry -- just don't engage on the subject. She will most likely call you filthy names, belittle your manhood, threaten you, tell you you've blown any last chance at reconciliation -- the list goes on. Offer her a cup of tea and walk away. All waywards hate having their fantasy bubble pricked. Weird thing is, they get over it, so hang tight until it passes.


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
Butchannon
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Member # 28656
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men,

told your WGF to leave after you found out about massive cheating in the beginning of relationship and if you have a child together?

I pay rent for apartment.

She and her parents find it inappropriate telling her to leave and she finds it inappropriate talking about cheating.

She filled for child support, custody, eventhough she knew I would reconcile with her.

Her parents haven't talked to me for almost a year when I visit my child one day a week.

I already asked that on SI, but I am looking for betrayed men's opinion here. Why do you think situation is like that and do you find inappropriate for telling her to leave?


Me (BBF): 27, her (WGF): 24 - at least 6 months of multiple A's in the beginning of relationship, nude pictures, webcam sex
DDay: 12/21/09 - told her to leave
1 kid (BDay 09/22/09) - mine, confirmed by DNA test
STDs: HPV, Chlamydia

Posts: 319 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Europe
survivorman
♂ Member
Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butchannon: No, I don't think what you've described of your situation sounds appropriate. But neither do I understand why you've put up with it for an entire year.

From what I recall of your posts elsewhere on SI, your WGF sounds like a real piece of work. The fact that she's hiding behind her parents and largely keeping your child from you suggests that she isn't remotely remorseful. Since that's a key condition for reconciliation, my initial read is that you're simply wasting your time with this woman, and that you'd be better off hiring a lawyer and asserting your parental rights -- i.e, at least 50-50 custody, if that's what you want.

Why are you still torturing yourself in this untenable situation? Again, if I recall correctly, you've already gotten lots of good advice, but near as anyone here can tell, you've acted on virtually none of it. Why is that?

ETA: And who gives a rat's ass what your WGF's parents think?

[This message edited by survivorman at 11:40 AM, November 28th (Sunday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


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