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User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
DFWMovieGeek
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Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to update my situation and get feedback.
Sorry, for the long message.

My Mother in law lives with us, and we have a 3 year old.

My wife basically had a 3 week affair with some guy in the May timeframe. I was completely suprised by the revelation.

Initially, I think I kept wondering what did I do to cause this. I also dearly tried to cling to the marriage. I loved my wife, I still do for the most part. I simply did not understand her.

As time has passed, and I have practiced the 180, I have become more and more indifferent. Reading these forums and especially this thread has helped me tremendously. I realize I have no control over her, and had no means of preventing her actions. She is a flawed human being with weak morals. While we had problems in our marriage, and we both were unhappy, I remained the faithful husband and loving father. She abandoned us for someone else. The OM broke it off with her since she was married and maybe getting too close. Who knows.

We did the marriage counseling bit, she has shown some regret and remorse. More so now, then a few months ago when she was in the fog. In fact months ago, she was downright mean.
Recently, she asked Am I horrible person?

This past week we finally spoke about our marriage. I told her if she wanted to go, she was free to go. I asked her what does she want from the marriage, she did not answer. I told her statistically when a wife cheats and get emotionally attached it does not work out. I also told her not to stay on my daughter's behalf, she would be better off with two happy parents as opposed to miserable parents. She said she does not want to give up.

So here I am in this limbo. I'm still indifferent. I've accepted either outcome. We get along, we are very civil, and we try to do family things and occasional dates. I guess I just wonder if we click anymore. Part of me clings because I am a loving father and do not want to share custody, I want to have my daughter home every night not just shared weeks.

I guess I really examine the whole concept of marriage and what I expected from it.
I got married to have a companion in life, someone I could trust intimately. Someone whom would love me despite my faults, someone I could love back the same way unconditionally. The other part of it was to start a family, and this is where we had problems. I love children and wanted more. She just felt like it was more responsibility and did not want it.

I feel like I really have no inclination as to what to do next. If she said she was done, ok fine. If she says let's work on the marriage fine. Of course if she cheated again, it would be over. In my mind, I have been thinking take your time to figure things out, and in a year's time you'll arrive at some conclusion. I do feel like this event will never go away, it will alays be in my head. While I will try to trust her again, I don't really think I ever will again.

Any thoughts?
Thanks brothers.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like you know what you are doing and doing it well. You answered your own questions better than I could. Now the only question is can you stay married to someone who would do that to you and your daughter?

Is your mother-in-law aware of what happened? If so, what's her view on the situation?


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DFW -

As Kite said, you've answered most of your own questions. The only thing I can think of in addition is that you wont ever forget what she's done. And completely dependent on HER ACTIONS, is how much trust she will build in the future.

My xWW is a HO. Capital H Capital O. Underlined. And the shit that she did over the course of our marriage and the subsequent BS and outright lies that came out of her mouth after D and continue to this day show me that when she talks, I dont care if she has Jesus standing beside her, I'm going out of my way to confirm what she's saying.To this day, I dont trust her fat ass as far as I can pick her up and throw her.

My current WW, well, thats a mixed bag. We'll see. Whether we end up in Divorce or R is up to her, and the ONLY thing different in this sitch is I dont see the same level of BS in my future if we do D.

In both cases though, there hasnt been any time where that voice in the back of my mind isnt screaming "CHEATING WHORE". At least, for the most part, I'm more lenient with the current one than the past one. My current WW hasnt gone out of her way to spread absolute poisonous lies to the world to justify her bullshit. She mainly just goes out of her way to fuck with MY head, and leaves others out of it....

Not that its any better at the end of the day. Just different.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS.

Hows that mother in law thing working out? I cant stand either one that I've had. The first one moved in uninvited several times and ruined any chance of happiness in the first marriage. She was and still is an absolute whack job.

The current one is unbalanced and a couple cans short of a six pack as well, just better at hiding it than the last one. The thought of either one living under my roof is enough to make me want to re-enlist and catch the first thing flying across the pond...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moral of the story:

Prior to going out on the second date, meet the mother. Get to know her. Becuase what you see with the mother is what you'll be living with down the road.

Sorry for the complete T/J

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:31 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
DFWMovieGeek
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Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mother in law moved in with us the day we moved into our new home six years ago. I think on my part I figured we would have kids some day and an in house babysitter was not such a bad thing. Also, she was completely dependant on my wife, so regardless of her living with us or on her own she was going to be a burden on us. Let me also mention, my wife was taking care of her grandfather also, whom was in a nursing home. (He passed away this past February). I went into the marriage realizing she had these obligations, but just did not realize how much it would kill us. Her siblings did not help much if at all, they would rather give her more shit to do. Would irritate the Fuk out of me.

My mother in law is a selfish person, my wife this year finally realized and admitted that. She behaves differently with her too now. My wife became selfish, she still is. When we talked last week, she said she was going to take care of herself now. Her family did not help her when needed funds for her grandfather's funeral. The funds came from us. All my wife really needed to do, was put her in her place, and prioritize the marriage.
This was the source of our problems. She just never did and this is why we drifted apart.

For me, I think I just got irritated my wife was never home dealing with all her familial issues. I stayed at home and took care of our daughter. My daughter and I have a great bond.

She became a fitness instructor at the end of last year, and became friends with some instructors. She called it her Sex and the City buddy group. I remember her coming back from one of thier get togethers back in Feb (Pre-affair). "You're nothing like Colleen's husband", an instructor going thru a divorce at the time. Just did not see the warning signs.

I really never thought my wife would be unfaithful. Her mother had gone through life with three husbands who cheated and abandoned her. She always threated to cut my dick off if I ever cheated. And here she is ... the cheater. We were unhappy, things were not working for us, blah blah but how suddenly your morality can change just like that. She's out of the fog, it took a while, she's out now, but still the damage is done.

[This message edited by DFWMovieGeek at 6:42 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it is those moments that I care least about WW that I get what I want from her.

And

it’s not that I don’t care…

Thing is, the secret about getting the balls back is for it to be “ok” for us to care about ourselves now, FIRST. Whereas before, we sucked em up to please the harlot-in-waiting.
(and it still wasn’t enough, get it?)

So, like so many here, I worked…she did not. Entitled much? OK “dear” whatever makes you happy! (when she’d come home with the latest frippery from walmart…”because it was on sale!” nevermind I’d be digging through the change jar tomorrow to get gas to get to work!)

In my world, trading lies and craziness for anytime poon was a recipe for the erosion of myself.

So “man up” to me, is code for “care about yourself now”.
How about it?
Chances are, when you’re caring about her the least, you’re caring about yourself the most.
That’s a good thing.

@DFW

Recently, she asked Am I horrible person?

Really? REALLY? Who does that? I bet you can pinpoint the age of arrested development if you think about it…I’m guessing 14.
Have you coughed your tongue back up yet?

Man I could have a field day with that one!

“Why yes, dear….heck, why don’t you sign these (my pre-prepared) D papers here, and we’ll get you some help with that, ok snookums?”

Seriously. That is some sick twisted game she’s playing. Play it right back. Agree!
She’ll probably give you a night to remember to make up for it, though...tomorrow it’ll be;
“What’s the problem?”

Try to stop asking her what she wants from the marriage.
Tell her instead what you want.
Expect fireworks, drama.
(with some rainbows, skittles, and unicorns thrown in for fun).

Lastly, I apologize zombie- to anyone! For being so blunt lately, I want everyone here to KICK SOME ASS!

(and I would consider that to include dragging muddy-ass boots through her living room as an object lesson.
It hurts far less
than the knife she uncaringly dragged across my heart)


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is infidelity a form of mental illness--in the planning stages, during, and the aftermath? My WW claims that she suffered temporary insanity and that is why she did what she did. Are those of us who remain in the illusion that she gets it now, is truly remorseful, and this will never happen again, suffering through some sort of psychosis?

I always equated mental illness with those locked up in a loony bin and trapped in a straitjacket. The following article indicates that the definition of mental illness is much broader than that. Scary stuff!

Nearly 1 in 5 Americans had mental illness in 2009

More than 45 million Americans, or 20 percent of U.S. adults, had some form of mental illness last year, and 11 million had a serious illness, U.S. government researchers reported on Thursday.

Young adults aged 18 to 25 had the highest level of mental illness at 30 percent, while those aged 50 and older had the lowest, with 13.7 percent, said the report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration or SAMHSA.

"The consequences for individuals, families and communities can be devastating. If left untreated mental illnesses can result in disability, substance abuse, suicides, lost productivity, and family discord."

The survey also found that 23.8 percent of women had some form of mental illness, compared with 15.6 percent of men.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/40257359


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW claims that she suffered temporary insanity...

I guess you're lucky then, mine's permanent.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to mention that the episodes of temporary insanity happened with at least two OM's over a long period of time.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 8:54 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here, we talk amongst ourselves healing...it's very private to me, this turning within...this...180, actually.

It is the turning within!

The opposite of A.
A hurts.
I wanna turn away.
Surest way, is the 180. Learned it here.
I stand on the shoulders of GIANTS!
(who in turn,
sit like happy children
on the shoulders of
the giant maker!)

I am here to kick ass...amd pay back all that si has given to me here,
hey here is where jerks like us are on a friday nice night! still,
I just want to be alone, left alone. Don't bother me! kwim?
hm.
Made me turn to the source.
had to
to survive.

and that is, after all what we are are here for,
hey...
i like talking about 4 DIVISIONS. Distilling to essence.
Here's how it goes to me.
There is first a division.

And then 180 away from hurt.
Is that not the natural line to go broSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

k then.
Since tension and compression coequally exist,
the rope gets thinner along its axis as it's stretched, that is, 90 degrees...
si, finding this place for me has been an unveiling of this, eh, is beyond mere words.
I admit, I have trouble with lyin lips.
hm.

Go AWAY from hurt! Do the 180! It is HEALING!
(lol! take it from me!)


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
zombieman
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Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sour Cherry Drops, just want to thank you for your post on the previous page, it was insightful and so true as to my current situation. There is a lot of air that comes out of her mouth.

I really don't want to leave at this point, am going to make it past xmas for my son and hope (yeah that word again) that she really starts looking at herself, im going some form of 180 on her again. I'm sick of being weak. There is something wrong with her and the only word I can come up with is selfish. No mental illness, your not crazy blah blah blah, you are selfish.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
Lotsa
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Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No mental illness, your not crazy blah blah blah, you are selfish.

Amen zombie.

Not diminishing anyone who has a genuine mental illness, but IMO, to self-diagnose oneself with temporary insanity and use it as an excuse for their cheating is a cop-out and blameshifting.

From what I understand of it, if you're insane, there is no recognition that what you are doing is wrong. So if a WS was insane (temporary or otherwise) there wouldn't be the need for secrecy and engaging in deceitful behaviour would there?


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefully
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Member # 29906
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, any ww self diagnosing temporary insanity is not taking ownership for their actions. They are just looking to justify their actions and make themselves feel better for their bad choices.

My WW has taken full ownership of her actions and is doing everything she can to prove to me that she know she was wrong and that is remorseful for her bad choices during her A.

We BS's should never accept execuses because there is no excuse for their actions only poor choices. Just my 2cents.


Me:42
fWW:38
Kids 3 - 5, 11, 14
DDay : 10/16/2010

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: New Jersey
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&L:

Moral of the story:

Prior to going out on the second date, meet the mother. Get to know her. Becuase what you see with the mother is what you'll be living with down the road.

Man, ain't that the truth. My STBXMIL is a real piece of work -- a borderline personality who made WW's childhood a living hell. STBXMIL had an affair, divorced WW's dad, married someone else, divorced him, eventually remarried WW's dad, then walked out on him a few years later and divorced again. WW used to do an amusing finger-puppet show about her parents' relationship .

Let's see. STBXMIL also snatched away WW and her sister even though they wanted to live with their dad, screwed up WW's college education by refusing to sign financial-aid forms and forcing her to transfer to a state college, threw away WW's childhood things without bothering to ask, and refused to respond to a boundary letter WW sent her -- twice -- more than a decade ago. Oh, she was pissy at our wedding -- she's the only one not smiling in any of the pictures -- and repeatedly told her family that WW was obviously going to leave me one day.

So WW has now walked out on me following a false R after her psycho-delusional EA, struggles with boundaries and is now "mending fences" with her mother almost ten years after WW went NC with her. I bet they have lots in common now.

And people wonder why I'm concerned about what kind of parent WW is going to turn out to be down the road :-).


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I wonder how much you all really do man up. Or is it all just talk.

Its hard to say what is manning up and what isnt. Through out this whole shitstorm that has been the last year i have allways tried to do what i thought was best, I allways acted in what i thought was best for long term success for my Me and My Marriage.

I was lucky to find SI before i confronted, I got a lot of advice saying that i should be hardline, i ignored it. I felt that i needed to be there for my wife, i knew she was the more broken of us. I tried to give her chances to come clean to confess, but when she didnt. I tried to give her room to slowly come to grips with the impact of what she had done, she chose to avoid any real introspection, But i still felt that we were making progress, at about 8 months I had gotten enough information about what had actually happend. I then turned my pressure to trying to explain that i needed her to appologise in such a way that she showed me she understood the impact of her actions.... eventually it was too much and she decided she wanted a S.

Did i man up? well i wasnt all gun-ho and 'listen bitch its my way or the highway' but i did stick firmly to what i needed as a minimum from her, i continued to push for what i needed.

When i screwed up, or did something wrong i appologised for it...

I am not ashamed nor do i feel guilty for anything that i did after DDay, sure i made some mistakes, and i might do things differently in hindsight, but at the time i did my absolute best.

Ive spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, reading other peoples stories, I dont agree with everything that is said here, but who does, i dont expect everyone to agree with me.

In the end i never had to make the call to end the M because my WW wasnt doing what i needed. Do i think i would have .... yes i do, eventually. Im sure i would have given her ample opportunity to do what was needed, but if ultimately she couldnt and hadnt decided on the S herself then i would have.

I have the feeling that it will be me that files for the D (here we have to have a min 1 year seperation) I refuse to be left dangling as an option, if she cant decide to even give the M one last try during the seperation year, then there is no way she will be able to do even half the work required to get the M back on a stabile foundation.... Actually in the last few weeks ive seriously begun to wonder if i even want that anymore... detachment can be a great relief.


I do wonder if when i comment here, im not trying to convice myself.... a lot of the time i feel i give advice, or take stanndpoints that im not really 100% behind yet, and that its as much about convincing myself as anyone else....

Id like to address the more recent posts, but ive written enough allready and its really late, ill never get to sleep if i keep this up.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD: Its hard to say what is manning up and what isnt

I agree, with qualifications. I certainly didn't follow the WAL/wonderingbull strategy of immediately going to a tough 180 and putting the onus on WW to come to her senses or get out. I had what I thought were very good reasons at the time -- I was active on another infidelity site, and I dropped a fair amount of money on marriage coaching with a well-known guy who specializes in infidelity, and at least after some initial hesitation followed that advice pretty closely. And the gist of what I was told was basically to suck it up for a while and see what happens.

If you're at all familiar with Surviving an Affair, what the coach recommended was what the book describes as "plan A." This is a period of basically trying to be the best spouse possible by addressing the wayward's emotional needs, avoiding angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments, and working on yourself and developing an independent life, with the short-term goal of both showing the wayward that you take their complaints about you (irrelevant to the affair though they might be) seriously and starting your own healing. The bigger point is to show the wayward what a good, recovered marriage could look like -- just before lowering the hammer in "plan B," which is basically a hard 180 with NC. All this is aimed squarely at killing an active affair, although obviously at a high cost to the BS.

I bought the logic at the time, even though it amounted to eating a big pile of shit sandwiches. The experience was torture -- which the coach openly acknowledged -- but it taught me a lot as well. I learned the limits of my endurance, which were much further out than I'd expected, and I made some huge leaps toward accepting the possibility of life without WW, which at first was just inconceivable. Most of all, the simple fact of having a plan and knowing that the escape hatch of NC was out there made it bearable.

So I wasn't just floundering, but neither was I "manning up" in the sense guys talk about it here. In retrospect, I'm not sure I could have done much else. It's tempting to say I should have taken a much harder line from the beginning, but as WAL has said, you really have to be willing to walk away at that point, and I clearly wasn't.

That wasn't just me being a jellyfish, either. I had pretty good evidence that WW's obsession with OM wasn't even being reciprocated, much less that it was progressing toward a PA. (Which, had circumstances been different, it most certainly would have.) I was up on WW like the Major Crimes Unit, and nothing in her entire email/texting/notes-to-herself/Web surfing history showed any sign that OM had expressed any romantic interest in WW at all. The situation was also clearly driving WW crazy, forcing her into ever more-baroque attempts to "signal" OM over the Internet in order to confirm what she knew was his heroic and long-suffering love for her.

It's now clear, of course, that this was all in her head. (OM isn't entirely off the hook as far as I'm concerned, but once he went NC with her early on, he apparently stuck to it.) It wasn't a foregone conclusion at the time, though, and for a while I sort of shared WW's delusion that OM was the slyest, cagiest bastard that ever lived -- the sort of guy who would bait his exGF with obscure puzzles and references across the Web, but without ever coming clean about his true intentions. Sheerest fantasy, but the fog cuts both ways sometimes.

What was clear, though, was that there was a very good chance that WW's fantasy would collapse on its own. And that's just what happened. She flipped straight to outright, scary paranoid fear of OM about six weeks in -- coincidentally, right around the time I was getting ready to call it quits -- and came back to me. That reversal then cast me as her caregiver while she worked through the paranoia. Much like SCD says, WW really needed me then to help pull her back from the brink, and I did that. That's when I got the "greatest husband in the world" award from her. Too bad she didn't tell me it had a limited shelf life.

Once HB started and things seemed to be moving back to "normal" is where I dropped the ball. WW resisted IC and mostly wanted to rug-sweep the previous six months of shit, and I let her do it. She plead the "temporary insanity" defense -- which, to be fair, is also how I'd been thinking her all along. That's the point at which "manning up" would have been the right thing to do. But I was exhausted, and demands on me at work were picking up, and I was content to take things slowly -- although in fact they sort of slipped back into stasis. Which is why I am where I am now.

Given how freaky my whole situation was, I wouldn't recommend my course of action to anyone. There are probably still situations where the plan A/plan B strategy can work, but I'm more of a hard-liner than I used to be. Case in point: I checked in with the same marriage coach shortly following Return of the Fog, and more or less got exactly the same advice. I lasted all of a couple of weeks, and then I was Done -- and I've felt much better ever since.

[This message edited by survivorman at 8:23 AM, November 21st (Sunday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a couple of quick points that I think are worth addressing in this vein:

I certainly didn't follow the WAL/wonderingbull strategy of immediately going to a tough 180 and putting the onus on WW to come to her senses or get out. I had what I thought were very good reasons at the time --

It's important to remember that I didn't find SI for a good six months after D-day. My initial approach to my wife's infidelity was rooted deep in my religious upbringing, which consisted of "If Jesus can forgive me for being a dirty, rotten bastard, then the least I can do is forgive you."

It didn't work worth dick in my situation, but bottom line here is that I didn't come out of the gate doing a hard line 180/Plan B. I had to learn that trying to be the good guy or taking a relentlessly positive approach wasn't netting me positive results, and only came at an immensely high cost to me.

My response (which, incidentally, coincided with the first major rage stage) was to focus on myself and my own healing at all costs, and let the marriage go hang if that's what it took.

We all have to find the combination of approaches that work for us individually within the context of our relationship dynamics.

I do wonder if when i comment here, im not trying to convice myself.... a lot of the time i feel i give advice, or take stanndpoints that im not really 100% behind yet, and that its as much about convincing myself as anyone else....

It's not just you, SCD. I think we've all felt that way, or even still feel that way sometimes. I'll still even ask myself on occasion if I can really have put all of this shit behind me as well as I feel like I have.

I think it's important to remember that at 4 years out, I've got a different picture of what worked in my situation than I did when the outcome was still more up in the air.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My initial approach to my wife's infidelity was rooted deep in my religious upbringing, which consisted of "If Jesus can forgive me for being a dirty, rotten bastard, then the least I can do is forgive you."

This has also been a huge factor for me. Jesus gave infidelity as the one lone excuse for divorce. That tells me how seriously tough it is to overcome the anger of betrayal in a marriage.

I guess subliminally I must have figured I'd get extra brownie points for surviving this whole ordeal. Of course during this whole process there have been times when I've been a real bastard to her. So the whole thing probably equaled out. No brownie points for me.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
BrokenHead
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Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

survivorman,
I left SI for a bit to try the plan A, plan B model and it was worthless.

I think it might have worked if WW had the ability to be self-critical. This is something my sweetie of an NPD doesn't have a shot at doing, ever, period. Playing the victim, blaming everyone for all her unhappiness is her MO from here forward.

Our relationship's conflict resolution model has been reduced to...replaying her version of our unhappy marriage to validate her unhappiness, pointing whatever issue that we are discussing is emotional abusive, and then drumming up on the computer the latest article on my mental illness of the week.

Apparently, this week I suffer from Asbergers Syndrome.

Man she is a piece of work...you want her?

Manning up and heading to D :-)


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