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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
FatherFirst
♂ Member
Member # 28886
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty, your vignette about the dog you love(d) that turned on you once was a very powerful description of what the loss of blind trust really feels like.

Yes, that switch got flipped, at least once. And we naturally assume that anything that happened even once can happen again, even if our spouses seem like Mother Teresa and are doing everything "right."

So yes, spot on, Mighty. We indeed live, perhaps for the rest of our days, with a kind of muted, just-below-the-radar kind of vigilance and preparedness that never existed before we learned what our wives were capable of--we know what is possible because we've seen it with our own eyes.

And if you didn't feel this way, you might want to get your basic survival instincts checked out.


Me: BH, 51
Her: FWW, 39
D-Day: 08/24/2007
Offense: Office EA with POSOM, also now 50, caught right before it would have become PA
Children: DD, 9

Respect yourself. Never tolerate or make excuses for a cheater, a user, a liar, or a betrayer.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: East Coast
RKT429SS
♂ Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty, that post rocked. Thanks.

I couldn't have painted a better analogy of how we've been all bitten once and the switch is now flipped.


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liked the post on the Mastifs Mighty,

So do they have FOO issues, or were you just distant not paying enough attention to them in the years leading up to the attack?

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading Mighty's post....I have the sudden urge to listen to Great White's "Once bitten..Twice shy" song!

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie, brings up a great point; What excuse did the dog use? Sex addict, bipolar, low self esteem, just plain bored?? All these fucking bullshit excuses for betrayal. I love how every time some over-paid shrink comes up with a new "disease", everyone jumps right on board with using it. Just another way to blame shift. "It's not my fault, I can't keep my legs closed!?


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
FatherFirst
♂ Member
Member # 28886
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie, LOL. That's the best laugh I've had all week so far. Or maybe the bull mastiffs just had low self-esteem, and were looking for some kind of "validation." You never know. Or maybe they're just good "compartmentalizers" or they were particularly "vulnerable" at the time. We'll never truly know, will we?


Me: BH, 51
Her: FWW, 39
D-Day: 08/24/2007
Offense: Office EA with POSOM, also now 50, caught right before it would have become PA
Children: DD, 9

Respect yourself. Never tolerate or make excuses for a cheater, a user, a liar, or a betrayer.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: East Coast
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What excuse did the dog use?

Because no matter how hard we attempt to domesticate them, they're still beasts deep inside their souls. Something or someone will eventually trigger that.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:39 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol... the dogs won’t tell us. So it’s similar; lots of questions and theories: genetic traits, trauma as a puppy, mental illness, physical pain, dominance, social problems, etc. Hell, I’ve even had people suggest it’s my fault like I made them this way. Bottom line though is: Only they know they real “why”. Everything else is just a theory or justification for that behavior.

My wife is a human though. She could rationalize and look deep for the “why” answer for her own actions. She just makes a choice not to face that demon completely.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really believe that the ex never really tried to answer why she did what she did... She really just tried to come up with the most acceptable excuse for what she did...

I'm about 3.5 years out from dday and I'm completely different than I was before... I have never been treated so poorly in my life by another human... Part of the reason I'm different is because the ex was the person I trusted the most in my life... I view it as a buddy with me in a foxhole during a firefight turns his gun on me...

The dog analogy that Mighty described is pretty accurate... I wasn't about to be in a relationship with a being I couldn't trust... Just like I won't have a dog I can't trust... It all comes back to my own internal mantra... "Trust is a must or your game's a bust"....

Hell, in 3.5 years I haven't reached out toward having a new relationship... I pretty much believe now that being in relationship would be like dating a hungry pit bull... Eventually I will get bitten...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty,

Like everyone else has said your analogy was right on the money.

I am wondering about the Dog's reasons for doing this too. Even though you fed them, loved them, played with them, took care of their every need just who are you to expect them to not explore their "caninine-ness" and not accept their attach without question? The nerve of some people! After all they didn't mean to hurt you so it doesn't count.

[This message edited by jollum at 11:38 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The core issue is not our issue at all and 100 theirs to fix.

Many went into M trying to fix FOO issues (shit i did) and it does not work like that.

If they linger and they dont fix it themselves it will happen again. And it is NOT for me to fix all her period.

Where was my help? Fuck I healed myself and their is a PERMANENT boundary with wife or anybody I may be with in the future and first sign of BS I am striking and if needed getting the fuck out.

My dogs acts a little snakey I am going to put that sucker in his place just like I do with my wife now.

I have no room in my life for BS.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I ever find myself in the market for another SO, I have a nine page questionaire for them to fill out. S.I. has supplied all the questions from "did your daddy spank you", to "have you ever played world of warcraft". I figure by the time their finished filling it out, they'll either;
a) need some sort of therapy
b) commit suicide
c) commit homicide
d) become the next x

[This message edited by Jimi40 at 2:02 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi40 - Onward to the next ex wife! Thats the shit that ended me up where I'm at!

In my case, it will be a 22 page questionaire and option d (if I detect a pattern in my sitch here) will be the next ex WW

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 2:23 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I have two very good friends, who are both confirmed bachelors, never married, just happy go lucky guys, who get some when in need and go on about life.

I am envious.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Jimi-my bachelor buddy says if prostitution was legal all over, no man would ever marry.

I know I would simply pay them for about once a month or so...I'd be that happy go lucky guy.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss the bachelor days, where I never worried about any of this crap. But for me, those days are long gone, at least until my youngest turns eighteen in another 16 years. Can't walk around my house in my boxers with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other or in the buff with three little girls running around.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch! I just envisioned the psychiatry bills pouring in if my girls ever had to see that!


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dogs acts a little snakey I am going to put that sucker in his place just like I do with my wife now

But you can put down your dog (actually not as easy as you think)...

Next issue and how to play this... There’s this guy “x” my wife used to talk to all the time about 4 years ago. As we were talking about her affairs, she’s tagged him as an EA. The reason is she felt compelled to always talk with him. Sorta like if something funny happened at work, instead of telling me, she’d call this guy. Anyway, she has sworn over and over that she never had any sexual feelings for him and visa-versa... more like best buddies. That relationship fizzled out when their company flopped 3 years ago. Contact since has been very sporadic.. He’s just sort of one of those guys on my radar, but not really a threat in my mind (that relationship was vastly different and had different patterns).... I didn’t feel the need for a NC with him.

Anyway, at the beginning of the month, she claims she accidentally pocket dialed him. They exchanged a few text about it, she told me, and I brushed it off; it bothered me though because to pocket dial, his contact name would have to be selected and there’s no reason for her to initiate any contact. Trigger because this is how I always knew broken NC with her ongoing EA partner: She’d leave him as the last contact and use it to call him from the office phone.

Anyhow, that put me on yellow alert.. Hyper-alert kicked in about a week ago because she’s been acting “off” about something... I associate this behavior with a pattern she does to alleviate guilt; Basically she finds lots of faults so she can justify whatever she’s doing she knows is wrong.

Anyway, last night I saw her phone flashing and found a text message from him to her that looked like it picked up in the middle of a conversation; oddly enough, it appears to be about the dog attacks.... I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. My guess is they were exchanging emails from work, but after hours, he sent her one to her phone (probably didn’t know any better and is unaware she needs to be discrete). I don’t think anything bad is going on there if there is talk. I confronted, she denied and swore she didn’t know a thing about it; My gut tells me she’s lying.

Back into super sleuth mode. She’s been swapping txt with him all morning long. Met her at home for lunch expecting some story about that text. Even though she knew this is something she should tell me about before I find out, she was silent about it throughout lunch. She knows a big hangup I have on trust is that I do not believe she’d offer up anything... I’ve got to catch her, and she’s big on omitting anything that might look questionable whether or not it’s even bad and her natural instinct is to lie and cover up. She’s supposed to be working on this in IC.

So, what now? 180? Confront? I’m leaning toward the 180...


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty,

I'm really sorry you are going thru this crap again. It really stinks. I wish you the best man.

I know everyone has to deal with this their own way. No real advice. I've made up my mind that if FWW screws up again or purposely triggers me with something like this she is gone. There is not enough of me left to really care anymore and I can just cut my losses and walk away.

My kids are almost all grown so I don't have the same circumstances you do and I know with young kids it would be much more difficult for me to feel the way I do.

Do whatever feels right to you.

Hang in there.

Jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each man's limit is different based on their circumstances. For me, I would confront and then contact the attorney if her answer is not satisfactory. But then I have zero patience for any more crap. The days of being mentally tortured by her are over. You on the other hand have three little children to think of, so the circumstances are different. Best of luck in your situation.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 4:06 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
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