Yes, that switch got flipped, at least once. And we naturally assume that anything that happened even once can happen again, even if our spouses seem like Mother Teresa and are doing everything "right."
So yes, spot on, Mighty. We indeed live, perhaps for the rest of our days, with a kind of muted, just-below-the-radar kind of vigilance and preparedness that never existed before we learned what our wives were capable of--we know what is possible because we've seen it with our own eyes.
And if you didn't feel this way, you might want to get your basic survival instincts checked out.
Respect yourself. Never tolerate or make excuses for a cheater, a user, a liar, or a betrayer.
I couldn't have painted a better analogy of how we've been all bitten once and the switch is now flipped.
So do they have FOO issues, or were you just distant not paying enough attention to them in the years leading up to the attack?
What excuse did the dog use?
Because no matter how hard we attempt to domesticate them, they're still beasts deep inside their souls. Something or someone will eventually trigger that.
[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:39 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)]
My wife is a human though. She could rationalize and look deep for the “why” answer for her own actions. She just makes a choice not to face that demon completely.
I'm about 3.5 years out from dday and I'm completely different than I was before... I have never been treated so poorly in my life by another human... Part of the reason I'm different is because the ex was the person I trusted the most in my life... I view it as a buddy with me in a foxhole during a firefight turns his gun on me...
The dog analogy that Mighty described is pretty accurate... I wasn't about to be in a relationship with a being I couldn't trust... Just like I won't have a dog I can't trust... It all comes back to my own internal mantra... "Trust is a must or your game's a bust"....
Hell, in 3.5 years I haven't reached out toward having a new relationship... I pretty much believe now that being in relationship would be like dating a hungry pit bull... Eventually I will get bitten...
Like everyone else has said your analogy was right on the money.
I am wondering about the Dog's reasons for doing this too. Even though you fed them, loved them, played with them, took care of their every need just who are you to expect them to not explore their "caninine-ness" and not accept their attach without question? The nerve of some people! After all they didn't mean to hurt you so it doesn't count.
[This message edited by jollum at 11:38 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)]
Many went into M trying to fix FOO issues (shit i did) and it does not work like that.
If they linger and they dont fix it themselves it will happen again. And it is NOT for me to fix all her period.
Where was my help? Fuck I healed myself and their is a PERMANENT boundary with wife or anybody I may be with in the future and first sign of BS I am striking and if needed getting the fuck out.
My dogs acts a little snakey I am going to put that sucker in his place just like I do with my wife now.
I have no room in my life for BS.
[This message edited by Jimi40 at 2:02 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]
In my case, it will be a 22 page questionaire and option d (if I detect a pattern in my sitch here) will be the next ex WW
[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 2:23 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]
I am envious.
I know I would simply pay them for about once a month or so...I'd be that happy go lucky guy.
My dogs acts a little snakey I am going to put that sucker in his place just like I do with my wife now
Next issue and how to play this... There’s this guy “x” my wife used to talk to all the time about 4 years ago. As we were talking about her affairs, she’s tagged him as an EA. The reason is she felt compelled to always talk with him. Sorta like if something funny happened at work, instead of telling me, she’d call this guy. Anyway, she has sworn over and over that she never had any sexual feelings for him and visa-versa... more like best buddies. That relationship fizzled out when their company flopped 3 years ago. Contact since has been very sporadic.. He’s just sort of one of those guys on my radar, but not really a threat in my mind (that relationship was vastly different and had different patterns).... I didn’t feel the need for a NC with him.
Anyway, at the beginning of the month, she claims she accidentally pocket dialed him. They exchanged a few text about it, she told me, and I brushed it off; it bothered me though because to pocket dial, his contact name would have to be selected and there’s no reason for her to initiate any contact. Trigger because this is how I always knew broken NC with her ongoing EA partner: She’d leave him as the last contact and use it to call him from the office phone.
Anyhow, that put me on yellow alert.. Hyper-alert kicked in about a week ago because she’s been acting “off” about something... I associate this behavior with a pattern she does to alleviate guilt; Basically she finds lots of faults so she can justify whatever she’s doing she knows is wrong.
Anyway, last night I saw her phone flashing and found a text message from him to her that looked like it picked up in the middle of a conversation; oddly enough, it appears to be about the dog attacks.... I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. My guess is they were exchanging emails from work, but after hours, he sent her one to her phone (probably didn’t know any better and is unaware she needs to be discrete). I don’t think anything bad is going on there if there is talk. I confronted, she denied and swore she didn’t know a thing about it; My gut tells me she’s lying.
Back into super sleuth mode. She’s been swapping txt with him all morning long. Met her at home for lunch expecting some story about that text. Even though she knew this is something she should tell me about before I find out, she was silent about it throughout lunch. She knows a big hangup I have on trust is that I do not believe she’d offer up anything... I’ve got to catch her, and she’s big on omitting anything that might look questionable whether or not it’s even bad and her natural instinct is to lie and cover up. She’s supposed to be working on this in IC.
So, what now? 180? Confront? I’m leaning toward the 180...
I'm really sorry you are going thru this crap again. It really stinks. I wish you the best man.
I know everyone has to deal with this their own way. No real advice. I've made up my mind that if FWW screws up again or purposely triggers me with something like this she is gone. There is not enough of me left to really care anymore and I can just cut my losses and walk away.
My kids are almost all grown so I don't have the same circumstances you do and I know with young kids it would be much more difficult for me to feel the way I do.
Do whatever feels right to you.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 4:06 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]