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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason for defogging? She broke NC via a text message (nothing sinister, I have confirmed this with POSOMs W). I didn't go mental. I just said that was it. Last chance and left. I think she really thought things through right then and there and saw, perhaps the big picture.

She then resigned from her job right then and there, told her boss (they are good friends) exactly why she was quitting and he of all people called her on it and said why the fuck didn't you quit 5 months ago. Family is #1 and you are going to lose your husband.

I came home and she had the most honest talk she has had with me through all this and really broke down. That was two weeks ago, Since then she has been very different, doesn't blame shift anymore. Is as I perceive it very remorseful, the conversations we have are very different, she is admitting that she herself is the one responsible and really messed up an otherwise amazing life. Crys at the drop of a hat. The job was a big deal to her, she is well respected there and could have climbed the ladder so to speak for the rest of her life till she was earning a good amount of money.

I don't know, I try and be optimistic, just want my wife and life back : )

She knows 100% that this really is her last chance, I catch her on anymore lies and im gone, i've had enough hurt and sadness in this life already.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she began to yell and scream (with the kids present), brandished a knife threatening to kill herself (with the kids present) and then hit the road for BINGO.

Wow! Sorry you're going through this much craziness. Threats, knives, and then Bingo? Really?

WW threatened to kill herself early on during the marriage. I warned her if that ever happened again I would have her locked up. She ignored me, did it again, and spent a month in a hospital in LA for eating disorders(she now claims it was all her idea).


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, I'm so sorry you're going through the drama...it's actually unnecessary, produced for no reason, and incredibly destructive to your kids who witnessed it.

Mine was like that. That's why I planned my exit and her 'landing' at her mom's house. The histrionic (HPD) is often co-morbid with other things as well. (NPD in my case)

What they do, is 'train you', bit by bit (frog in water) to accept their outbursts, and seek to change things within yourself - your behaviors toward her, your natural reactions, iow "you", in order to minimize the appearance of the outbursts and sundry other dramatics.
That's how and why you end up walking on eggshells. It's manipulation, right and true.

I had to reach a place of safety, which was many miles away -

I'm really sorry man, I don't know how else to tell you, but you need to get safe from that, somehow? Get away and save your kids' psyche by showing them how a strong man behaves in the face of such crazy suicidal threats. That is intolerable for them. It's is incredibly damaging. Sending you mojo for what you need to do bro.

This post is already long enough, I just want to give a quick nod to those effed up books - they are shiite.


Posts: 6006 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT THE HELL DOES : *you were never there for me* MEAN????????

StillGoing and MrKite have both hit upon two aspects of the whole.... i think if we combine them you get a more complete answer. Ill try but im not sure i really hit the nail on the head either.

It means that she is pissed off that you couldnt read her mind and figure out for her what she really wants!

This is clearly irrefutable proof that you dont care, because if you did you would have been able to do this.... Sure it makes absolutely no sense, but it is the emotional aspect of it that drives them.... initially she though of you as some sort of superman, able to do anything... but when you didnt do the impossible, she blames you. Her superman fantasy is replaced with a new interpretation, you as the man who didnt care enough to do that for her.....


I also just read this from Razor

I will go further. And say that it never really existed. You were living a dream. You created a illusion in you mind about you WW and you M that was not based on reality. It was based on what you WANTED it to be instead.

Which i wholely agree with, I was as much living in a fantasy as my WW was when she was stringing along several OM. I believed our M to be strong, that we both had similar goals, that we both had similar values, that we were both happy with what we had so far achieved together, my fantasy was about as far from reality as my WW's. But it does make me wonder, did i not choose to create my own reality?... by that i mean how we interpret the events, actions, intentions, of those people around us, how we let it affect us. In my M, i had my Fantasy, my WW had hers, her parents would have had a different view to what my Dad had, my sister who was friends with my WW her own .... we all had our own iterpretation none of which were actually the reality. I wonder if the ultimate truth is that we can never see reality for what it really is, that we should accept all we see is our version of it. We were all living in our own little dream worlds. I was happy in mine right up until i found out that it wasnt real. But what if i had known that from the start? what if i had accepted that it wasnt really real, I wonder if learning of the discrepancies would have hurt quite so much? would have shaken me to my core like it did?

What would my life have been like had i had an interpretation that was closer to reality, I am certain that i would not have been as happy for anywhere near as long as i was, Perhapes i might have been able to avoid this pain altogether, perhapes not, perhapes i would have moved on long ago. But i do have to say, i was truely happy for a long time, and although it hurts now, I am not certain that i would trade away all those years of happiness to avoid this period of hurt. I am no fool i know that next time i will surely have a new fantasy, a new interpretation, that wont match reality exactly. But next time i will also know that it cannot possibly be the true reality. I will also know that everyone else also has their own versions. Perhapes that will help me not repeat the same mistakes, perhapes it will help me identify where the two most important interpretations diverge, But i wonder, will it make me happier? Sure i might avoid repeating being hurt so bad but will i be happier?

OMG i sound like i spent all weekend stoned....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Connect, Lead, Run" the male version of "Eat, Pray, Love." Here's my own version if WW doesn't emerge from her fantasy world and soon, "File, Collect, Leave."

Edit: why did this post appear before 'lostcause's when I read his first and responded?

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:36 AM, November 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
lostcause111
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me we all have a choice and it is subject to change at any moment.

1) Wife wakes up you connect even more than you ever did and somehow you have some things better than before. This takes a WW that is willing to change. Their are examples right on SI but wishing for that is at least for me I know that is never going to happen.

2) Lead. Wuit caring if she gets pissed and live your life with a smile and expect little from the relationship and work on you and the kids. That is where I am at for no.

3) Run. If you cannot let go of getting number one you will sit in pain and are doing yoruself and your family no good.

It is brutal hard when you try to change in the M but that is the path I am on.

I have let go of what me being me does to the marriage. I am not bending anymore for somebody who clearly has exhibited they are not worth it.

The choice is yours.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Proview
♂ Member
Member # 24215
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw can you all explain to me why I don't give a damn about her supposed EA(which she still claims causes her the most shame) and yet fixate on her PA which supposedly lasted all of three weeks(which she claims meant nothing at all and I should have gotten over by now)?


I am assuming that you are a man. And Based on that assumption I will say the following quote from "PEG" (AL Bundys wife) on Sons of Anarchy...." Men like to own their pussy". Once someone else has had it, its like its isnt theirs anymore. So they have to go back a reclaim it, or just eventually put it to the side and find some new pussy to own...."Dont nothing replace old pussy ...like new pussy" this is from the players handbook chapter 3.


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2009 | From: AZ transplant
longsadstory1952
♂ Member
Member # 29048
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Zombieman. After her last break in NC, I was sure it was the end. Wasn't it something along the lines of "Hey there loverboy?" Anyway,it is certainly encouraging to see her resignation. My only question is this. You have been at this for about 1/3 of your very short M. Where do you find the strength to put up with this?

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jul 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am assuming that you are a man.

Some days I wonder about that but emphatically, yes.

A 'Sons of Anarchy' reference along with a Peggy Bundy here at SI? Who would have thunk it? I'll match that with a '40 Year Old Virgin' reference. "You're putting the pussy on a pedestal."


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT THE HELL DOES : *you were never there for me* MEAN????????

StillGoing and MrKite have both hit upon two aspects of the whole.... i think if we combine them you get a more complete answer. Ill try but im not sure i really hit the nail on the head either.

It means that she is pissed off that you couldnt read her mind and figure out for her what she really wants!

This is clearly irrefutable proof that you dont care, because if you did you would have been able to do this.... Sure it makes absolutely no sense, but it is the emotional aspect of it that drives them.... initially she though of you as some sort of superman, able to do anything... but when you didnt do the impossible, she blames you. Her superman fantasy is replaced with a new interpretation, you as the man who didnt care enough to do that for her....

Sort of, yeah. That goes into the realm of you can't ever do anything right though. When you hit on something she wanted, it just pisses her off more because it means she must be wrong about you. So the goalposts get yanked up and moved back.

Imo it is really all about her being angry because she knows she is wrong but does not want to stop being selfish about the situation. So it's "YOU WERENT THERE FOR ME! I NEEDED THIS!"

I mean fuck, man. I did do the impossible. Where did it end up? She actually admitted in her fog "You are the good guy in this." Even before dday. Didn't fix a damn thing because it was about her. Hell, maybe I'm just echoing what you're saying.

I hope FWW stays out of there for good. I cannot endure that again.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7102 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe that part of the explaination of "You're never there for me" is an expectation of us being mind readers as SCD described in his earlier post...

I know after Dday when the ex threw out at me all these things that I did wrong and what I didn't know or say (justifying). I was blindsided... She hadn't talked about any of them so in her mind I was essentially cutting my own throat without me even having a clue....

I believe that while they're in the A or (I hate the term "fog') on their fake magical mystery tour they're essentially setting us up for failure...

If I don't see or realize there's something wrong and there are no conversations about the problems then suddenly I'm the bad guy.... Mind reading is not a skill set that I was born with and I'm not going to be blamed in any, way, shape or form for it...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: EAT PRAY LOVE,

Guys,

The excerpt from that book really struck a chord with me. This woman makes a monologue about Church history and marriage and is left unchallenged by anyone because it's her book. This is Wayward Spouse Fog in all of it's glory.

If this woman simply read her Bible she could see that marriage was always supposed to be between "One man and one woman". Celibacy was listed as a gift not given to all only to those who could handle it and to those who couldn't there was a God given remedy MARRIAGE. Jesus supported and approved of marriage throughout His time on earth. Where did He do His first miracle?? At a wedding. This was long before the 1200's this women spoke of. She of course can say whatever she wants to support her point in her book and countless women will read and believe this and just add more WS's to our already growing list. I wonder if the author ever bothered to check out the only reason given in all of Scripture for a Divorce condoned by God??? Adultery is the only reason ever condoned. Not recommended but excused.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
thyme2go
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Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT THE HELL DOES : *you were never there for me* MEAN????????

I think you all may be over-analyzing this statement. To me it is simply a blanket excuse that covers every aspect of the A ('s?) that our WW's had.

I challenge all of you to argue against, or, disprove that statement when it is made to you. Impossible. Try it. That statement made to me nearly drove me insane before my brother pointed out that it is impossible to reason with a crazy person.

I then knew that as long as my exw was going to use that defense for her actions that our M stood no chance in hell of surviving.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 1:38 PM, November 8th (Monday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well said t2g.... If you fight it and argue about it, it simply is crazy in, crazy out...

That's why she's the ex..

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
deeppurple
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Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EAT PRAY LOVE - kind of ironic that it stars Julia Roberts who H cheated on her - thats weird karma


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want to run something by all of you. A while ago someone here posted this to me, "Maybe she's not really that into you." My ego and pride rejected that outright but over the ensuing months this has made more sense to me than anything.

This explains why she instantly recoils at my touch but within a moment recovers, smiles, and draws closer to me. Keep in mind that she was like this even during our dating years. I pursued her, not the other way around.

Discussed this with WW over the weekend and she totally dismissed it as nonsense. She asked, then why would I marry someone who I wasn't really attracted to?

1. Because there's something intoxicating about having someone crazy about you permanently in your life.
2. To father a child in marriage to replace the one she lost by miscarriage during her first marriage.
3. To help pay the bills and protect her.
4. Because people in her family normally get married rather than shack up.
5. As a back-up plan--a fall-back guy.
This line of reasoning was met by silence as usual.

Granted that in every marriage or relationship, one is usually more into the other one, but how about if there's almost zero attraction? I can't even get mad at her for that. You can't conjure up desire and attraction. It's either there or it's not.

This explains why she has to go through the motions during sex, showing affection, fixing the marriage, and even having a conversation which requires some form of intimacy and trust in sharing with your partner. There's nothing there for me. This also explains how she can run around with other men while being married to me.

Honestly, I'm just throwing theories(crap) up against the side of the barn door to see if anything will stick.

Her actions, or lack of them, are either caused by:
1. Mental illness
2. An evil heart
3. Because she doesn't give a damn about me and never has.
3. All of the above.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone NOT get the you were never there for me line?

Mr Kite,I admit for a long time i would have given just about anything to have been able to listen in to my wifes thoughts. Even now im still curious.

What the hell was she thinking allowing us to proceed with buying a house while she was setting to go out and screw every man that would buy her a coffee. Why the hell did she decide not to tell me about her depression. What was she really thinking about when she asked if we could move here..... and ofcourse what was she thinking about after i confronted....

But thats a fools wish, the only one that even has a chance of knowing that is her, and she wasnt talking then and sure aint talking now.

Ive just about given up trying to figure out what she was/is thinking. Instead i try as much as possible to judge her by her actions.

@t2g, your probably also right. Certainly once they see that the statement works, that there is no valid argument against it other than calling it hogwash then theyre bound to give it a prime position in their arsenal used to befuddle us.

...

BTW perhapes im healing better than i thought, I watched the film "she's just not that into you" last night and it didnt upset or trigger me at all... heck i even laughed in places. I saw the "Eat, Pray, Love" movie the other week.... that synopsis pretty much sumarises it, but i imagine its been toned down some from the book... but i wont be wasting my time reading it to find out.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
murph3699
♂ New Member
Member # 30066
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm new here and wanted to know how other guys deal with their own emotions after finding out.

How do you stop yourself from going after the OM? I'm not a violent person but I feel like this loser stole something from me and the only way to get it back is to hand out some serious pain.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2010
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry you're here, murph.


How do you stop yourself from going after the OM?

For me, I realized the OM or OMM made no promise to me on the wedding day.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
murph3699
♂ New Member
Member # 30066
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought about it that way. Excellent point. I guess my frustration is that he met me and my son, shook my hand, looked me in the eye and then thought it prudent to F*ck my wife. I guess I'm a little old school.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2010
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