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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, miracle.

Makes me feel like less of a lame-o.

I'm just concentrating on getting myself in order and my house in order. Won't bore everyone with all the details.

WH seems to think he's going to regain my trust his way instead of by doing what I've asked. I wish him luck.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm swamped, but wanted to give a quick:

Congrats to FNF onthe baby. Yay! Enjoy your time with the little one.

M3: Glad to "see" you again, sorry to see you are struggling. We will get there. Stay positive.

Quick update on me: out of the blue today, on my way to work, I decide to call OW. I have not spoken to OW prior to this, so this was a first.
My main purpose in calling was to put the anger I feel for her aside. And, that was accomplished. I told her I still held a tremendous amount of ill will toward her & I thought that part of it was because we hadnever spoken. I asked if she was willing to talk to me. She agreed & then began apologizing profusely. No new info was gained (not that I would have relied upon anything she said anyway), she basically said they were friends, it was just a sex thing, she never thought she was going to be with him, she knew he loved me & the kids. She knew it was wrong. There's been no contact since I found out about the phone she gave him and she avoids going anywhere near his precinct. (Now this part I know is a lie, but I let it go.)
And, she revealed that she was cheated on by her husband, which is why they divorced, so she knows how I feel and she's ashamed.
I'm really proud that I kept my composure the whole time. No name calling, blaming, etc.
I feel a lot better about her now. I think I can let my anger go as to her, which is good, because it was definitely sucking up a lot of my energy trying to plot my revenge without doing any harm to myself or my family.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:
WH seems to think he's going to regain my trust his way instead of by doing what I've asked. I wish him luck.

*snork* heh heh heh! My WH is playing that game too. I believe it's called arrogantball. Good luck to both of 'em. I'm not going to watch the game; I'll just check the score when it's over.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I gotta do this in pieces, my life being what it is...

UKGirl: There are many times I have done what you have done - I don't want to be the one to say "no" - it should come from them, inevitably they are happy as Hell to have received the answer they did & there we are -stuck.
You are stuck.
In the future, tell him how you feel,don't feel pressured to say yes or no and give an answer you can live with.

But for now - tell him that due to his past relationships, you are starting to get anxious about the evening and talk it out. And, don't worry about the other people - you are just lovely the way you are.

Dang - now I forgot what else I was going to say...

ETA: Now I remember!
Fun: Good for you! I could totally see my H doing something like that too, tho I have to say he's coming around as of late. He called to tell me today there would be some phone calls on the phone records that might concern me & then explained them and he just called me from basketball so I would know he was really there.
Baby steps...
But, good for you - I'd love to hear his explanation to the guys for this one...

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:55 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - H snapped out of his 180 pretty fast because I 180'd him back. I seriously didn't give a rats ass whether he spoke to me or not.

As far as telling the guys at the station??? They know their palms will no longer be greased by ME! They also know that I think they are fuckin losers and that they are not to step foot in my place of business ever again.

I can't even drive by the station anymore. I go around the block to avoid looking at it. And it's on the same street at my office.

I'm glad your H is coming around, even if it's small baby steps. Anything is better than nothing!!!

I've become so bitter. It's not becoming!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood...
Wow! You called the OW! That's huge!
and..she said they were just friends and it was just sex and that she knew he loved you and the kids....
same exact crap my husband's married OW told me... except she said that she and he were just very, very good friends and that he loved only me!
Maybe I'm as old as dirt and just don't get it...maybe I'm just plain old fashioned...but since when are you just friends with someone...but feel its perfectly appropriate to have sex with that friend?
where does this happen? not in my world.

But, I'm going off on a tangent here... I'm happy that the conversation may give you some closure.
For me.. I felt like I still had so much to say to the MOW! I was calm and nice to her as well..this was right after d-day. And, I asked her why she wasnt contacting my husband because he was so depressed... and he was kicked out of the house and none of his so called friends were reacing out to him so he could use a friend to call him.... I also told her that his therapist was worried that my husband was suicidal...

and guess what? the OW never called or emailed my husband again...never...
go figure.
with friends like these who needs enemies?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: wow,... ....i am glad it turned out well....that you seem to have some sort of closure on her....and i envy you, i wish the ow would have spoken to me and told me everything.....but alas, not in the cards for me....i could definitely see this putting some nagging questions to rest...the biggest issue though with doing something like this is that more often then not these conversations turn out lousy results...so i am especially happy that you got good results...

and i am thinkin that this was an impulse thing to do....as much as you might have been thinkin about it, i am thinkin you just decided to go for it....sometimes you gotta listen to those little voices...as long as those voices are not telling you to kill someone...go for it...


m3: your husband can also join the toddler club...we all seem to have this issue of being married to fully grown toddlers...


[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:39 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

njgal

same exact crap my husband's married OW told me... except she said that she and he were just very, very good friends and that he loved only me!

Me too. Funny that. Only difference was the 2/3 that told me that were divorced. Mind you they weren't when they started with H!!! Makes me wonder how much he led them on!!!

Maybe I'm as old as dirt and just don't get it...maybe I'm just plain old fashioned...but since when are you just friends with someone...but feel its perfectly appropriate to have sex with that friend?

OW1 not only thought that but also thought it was Ok to have loooooooooong conversations with my H on phone for 12 years after they broke up including the last 10 yrs since she was remarried to someone else!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A long way back, m33 suggested my H was one of those who went for a "type". And I think he does. MOW and I do share a number of similar characteristics in looks and personality. And MOW, this other ex-gf and I all qualified as teachers. So I’m wondering what else there is about her. I'm going to book a table at our local Italian for early evening. XHSgf and her H have a 45min drive back to their hotel, so I expect they'll be gone by 10.30. I’m relieved she declined the offer to stay over.

My plan is to not say anything to H. I want to watch their interaction and see if there is anything between them and mentioning my concerns will put H on alert. I’m not saying I want him to fail this “test”, but my need to know and the curiosity about her (as an ex-gf) is overriding any potential danger there might be. And it might be that there was nothing to worry about. But I need to know!

m33, logic tells us that these trigger dates are just that – dates. But we all look at them as milestones – and they are. They mark the points at which our lives our perspectives and our relationships shifted or changed. We look at where we were then and where we are now. Sometimes that can be a good thing – if you have those thoughts, try to turn them into something positive. This is all part of the new reality and it becomes part of you.

Just as a t/j aside: DS24 is one of life’s positive people (yeh, I know – he’s young!). He was checking in some folk at the YHA who had been out on a three day trek. Well, they got caught up in bad snow and the three day trek turned into a week. They came in, saying how terrible it had all been, how worried they were, they were lost and cold, etc. He grinned at them and said, “well, you’re here now aren’t you. You found the shelter hut and there was food there. You were warm enough in the hut. You got rescued. You got the rescue service helicopter ride back. Most people have to PAY for that. No one died – they could have! Hey! Celebrate! And think of the stories you can tell when you get back home!” By the time he’d finished, they were agreeing with him. KWIM? He has a belief that there is something good to be taken from every day – however bad it’s been. But, like I said, he’s young!

Allgood –

she basically said they were friends, it was just a sex thing, she never thought she was going to be with him, she knew he loved me & the kids. She knew it was wrong.
WTF??? Just how DO these people wrap things up in their fucked up heads? It was ok, but she knew it was wrong? At what point did she think casually fucking her male (and married) “friends” was “wrong” and how “wrong” does it have to be before it stops? I tell ya, I could slap these people. It would be childish if it wasn’t so destructive an act by someone who’s supposed to be a fucking grown up.

I had several conversations (text and calls) with MOW. I met her and we talked for a couple of hours. I found out quite a lot more. She thought she could have remained friends with H (I don’t think so!!!) and she also said that “under different circumstances” we would have been good friends (again, I don’t think so!!!) I came away feeling sorry for her. She was pathetic, really. A mess. But the one thing that got to me was that she never apologised. She never took any blame or accepted any responsibility. She was a “victim”. But it was good to be in control. I felt I choreographed the meeting and it was okay. But it doesn’t work for everyone. I’m glad it did for you. Helps put some ghosts to rest.

I've become so bitter. It's not becoming!!!

Don’t see it as bitter, see it as righteous anger! And as not accepting crap anymore – from anyone!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl: Good luck with the dinner. Might be a good idea to keep all knives & other sharp objects out of your reach tho...

As to my chat with OW: I did not ask her any questions about their relationship because I didn't want to give her the impression that there was any problem with my H and I as far as him not telling me these things or me not believing him. It's 14 months later, so it's not like I could ask her things that I should already know the answer to without raising red flags that our reconciliation isn't going well. So, I made it clear that the purpose of the call was to resolve the issues I had with her. Like I said, I could've called her out - there were definite inconsistencies and bullshitting to cover her ridiculous actions, but I felt she was sorry, and the rest, well, it's typical for someone who would do what she did.
I did say that it's hard to understand that it was just a sex thing when they were saying "I love you" to each other. She didn't have much of a response there other than "feelings got in the way".
Whatever.
I feel better and that's what I wanted. I wasn't calling for information or to double check my H's story. I was so nice & understanding tho that she is going straight to Hell if she ever makes contact with my H again, that's for sure.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met MOW almost a year to the day after d-day. I met her BH 22 & 24mths after d-day. And somewhere between the four versions from FWH, MOW, BH and me was the Truth. So I picked out the known, took a mid-line of exaggeration from MOW and minimising from FWH, washed off the whitewash from BH and drew my own conclusions of the past and how it would fit into the present and the uncertain future.

I am one of those who wants clarity. I like plans and back up plans. And I can’t do that without knowing my facts. It sounds dramatic, but meeting MOW had a crucial effect on how I would deal with any back up plan. It also made me realise how cavalier H’s view of marriage was. And that I would never be able to give 100% commitment to him ever again. And meeting BH emphasised just how deeply involved they had been and confirmed my belief that WH would have thrown me and the kids under the bus if I had found out earlier on – right up to 6mths before the end of the affair.

I can’t remember the last time we talked about the LTA. We have never discussed any previous “indiscretions”, but I have no proof and he just denied. It will come out one day. You never know, one might even come out next Thursday at dinner if this xHSgf is still in contact with the other xHSgf I suspect he had a thing with before MOW. (Sheesh, that sounds complicated. )


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too confronted OW 2 weeks after dday. I was calm, no name calling. OW was so nervous she never shut up, she kept apologizing and told me over and over again they were "just friends" and it wasn't what I thought, that they only went to dinner occasionally and had sex. So it seems like they all say the same things. She did tell me that she loved H but he did not tell her that he loved her; only that he cared deeply for her. I could still rip her eyes out.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your warm congratulations. I can't wait to meet my newest grandson and spend time cuddling and enjoying him.

Now, to the latest issue on here - confronting the OW.
First let me say upfront, there is no way I can ever see myself doing this but I applaud those of you who have, not just because it took a great deal of self-control not to want to bash them but also because in controlling the situation you came out feeling better and stronger. So kudos to you all.

I have a story to tell that I've never shared here and I know it might be shocking and deserve 2 x 4's but for some reason I feel compelled to tell it today. All this talk about the OW and my own issues of struggling with feeling like I need to forgive her ever since I learned that she has breast CA have me wondering what I need to do to find peace where she is concerned. Here goes:
Many years ago, probably at the beginning of their A, I sensed something. I was absolutely certain that the OW was in love with my H but didn't really think he felt the same about her, although I knew he had to be eating up the adoration she showered on him. You couldn't miss how she felt about him. She couldn't hide her feelings, they were so obvious to anyone in her company.
Here's the 2 x 4 part. Now you have to remember that I had almost daily contact with this woman, felt she was my friend and we frequently did things together as friends might without H's, dinner, lunches, movies, shopping, hours talking on the phone etc. So, during one of our outings, I said to her, "If you and my H are having an A I would understand." She looked absolutely shocked and didn't respond and basically that was the end of that topic. To this day, especially immediately after d-day, I wonder what the hell ever made me say such a thing to her. Did she take that as permission from me and, if she did, why should I be surprised?? I often ask myself, what if she had come back and said, You mean I have your permission. Would I have said, Yes, of course or would I have said, No, no fucking way but I can see that you have very strong feelings for him.
I recently told my DD who was shocked and upset with me. I have kept this is for so long and it's been really bothering me lately, again since this woman's diagnosis of breast CA.
So on some level I feel very responsible for their A. At the time, my H was being a pain in my ass, you know, the "mean" H that Miracle talks about, moody, critical, angry, difficult, etc. He was and continues to be very high maintenance and I was relieved that she took some of the burden from me by being available to him.
Basically, I was glad to "unload" him on someone who could stroke his ego 24/7.
So what does that say about me and my complicity in their A???
Today it makes me so sad because in the end my heart was broken and I'm not sure I'll ever completely get over this. I'm better now but there is always that underlying sadness too.
So if I go to this OW, wouldn't I also have to apologize?? Wouldn't I have to admit that I gave the impression that I would be fine and not be hurt by their A? I just don't want to put myself in that position.
I have always said that I was betrayed by two people but in fact, by this statement to her, I betrayed myself as well and never knew what the consequences of that foolish statement would ultimately be.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:09 AM, October 21st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
I think the moral of your story is that we really need to listen to our instincts/hearts/guts more than we do. I know I rely on logic but there was a part of me that knew WH was up to know good. I did some searching, I did some asking, I did some wondering and some bargaining with myself before DDay but when I didn't find anything and when he gave me the shocked "of COURSE I'm not having an affair!!" I let myself breathe a sigh of relief and rolled my eyes at my instincts. Silly me! I-coulda-had-a-V8 slap to the forehead. What was I thinking? Ho ho ho. Then it turns out my instincts were right all along.

My instincts are telling me something right now and I'm listening. My logic tells me that WH COULD shape up but my instincts warn me not to bet on that particular horse. My instincts and my logic have come up with a compromise by waiting, but I have a lawyer and a very detailed to-do list at the ready and that old clock keeps on ticking...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF:

HOLY ($&*%! (In my head I am cursing, but I am editing myself as I realize you all are far more lady-like than me and I don't want to offend. Lol.)

YOU NEVER APOLOGIZE TO OW!!!!! NEVER!!!!!

You did not give her permission! I can see why we scrutinize everything that was ever said before & during the A & like to self-blame, but seriously, there is no way any normal person on the face of the Earth would think you were giving them permission.

You are not to blame for this in any way! (You know that!)

We have all, in hindsight, said or done something that in the perverse mind of either the WS or AP gave them permission. Myself, I know there were plenty of times I threw out things like "I stopped needing you a long time ago" and "I hate you", etc. Did that give my H permission to think our relationship was dead and he could go find another one?
Hell No!
He was, like everyone here has also experienced, a raging asshole, which prompted some of the things I said.
Anyhoo-- to recap:
No you have no complicity in this and
No you don't apologize to OW.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My instincts are telling me something right now and I'm listening

Do you want to share this or prefer to wait? I sometimes think that once we discover the A, our antennae are so sensitive that I feel our instincts may be less reliable - but then again, maybe that's just me. Because I ignored the most blatant signs that something was going on, now I see every behavior as a potential warning, KWIM????
So, I do hope this is part of what you may be experiencing and that your H is being totally faithful now.
Thanks for not "2 x 4'ing" me. I feel I deserve it but I've been doing that to myself since d-day.
Hugs to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not to blame for this in any way! (You know that!)

Thanks for saying this Allgood. Now all I have to do is start to believe it myself. Lately I have been tormenting myself with this thought.
For those of you who are Catholic or religious or spiritual, how do you reconcile your feelings of anger and fury at the OW with the requirement that we forgive those who "have trespassed against us?" Every time I say that prayer in church I feel conflicted.
M3 - You have that priest friend of yours that you go to. Have you had this conversation with him? I'd love to hear what he has to say about this.
Thanks tribe for listening and sharing.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am editing myself as I realize you all are far more lady-like than me and I don't want to offend. Lol.)

Oops - clicked send before adding -
Don't count me in the lady-like category! I've been like a truck driver ever since d-day. I bet I could make you blush!
I've used words that I NEVER used before in my life and called the OW and my H every vile word I could think of - so no need to restrain yourself on my behalf.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,

I think WH and I are *both* growing up. I've always been a late bloomer, LOL.

So, UK, today I totally forgot that it's the day until I read that! So funny.

Another crazy one -- WH is not at work today, he's at a conference. And I really believe that's true. I trusted him. Wow. Just Wow.

Well, many of you know I confronted OW via e-mail to bust WH since he was gaslighting like crazy.

I'm glad confronting OW worked well for you Allgood.

So, since OW is the topic du jour . . .

First, fnf -- I also considered it a double betrayal. 'Nuf said.
As for the priest -- I did ask him some version of this question. He said that we're only human and those feelings are going to be there and come back over and over no matter what we do. Some of us can only manage to be forgiving rather than to forgive. So, what you do is, refrain from harming her in return, think of her as little as possible, when you do think of her think of how God will forgive her completely if she repents and ask God for the strength to become indifferent to her and also pray that she will confess and repent and get her soul in order. Piggyback on God, I think was a phrase he used. He also reminded me that God is far more deeply offended and hurt by the WS's behavior than I ever could be, because we, as imperfect humans, always think deep on some level, "everyone makes mistakes and bad choices" but God never makes mistakes and his commandments are COMMANDMENTS and yet, God will still forgive if only we ask.

Of course, the vengeful Catholic part of you must remember that every sin must be paid for.

And, fnf, one thing I have steadfastly reminded myself of since the very first moment is this: whatever pain they have caused me, their families, etc. is very little compared to the damage they have done to themselves. They've committed a grave mortal sin. One that must be paid for, in this life or the next. The payment is exponentially greater than the pain I've felt, for truly, I've done nothing wrong. And witnessing this damage brings me closer to God and his plan for me because I am more aware of how my failings effect others and spend more time trying to purge myself of them, thus becoming (hopefully) a better person.

As for the other "OW talk" First -- Nell -- LOVE "arrogantball". So funny!
Second -- in my case, after getting a boatload of other information about OW from multiple sources who noticed she and I were not friends anymore and who wanted to dish after Dday, as well as from WH -- my then IC assured me she's a total sociopath. And, let's not forget that **SOMEONE** sank my 24' boat a week after WH got a message from OW BH's cell number (that WH "forgot" to show me.) I had OW blocked, BTW.

So, I'm going with full-blown psycho there. I wouldn't be surprised if WH thought the same -- we were embroiled in some conversation at a party about sexuality, cheating, etc. and WH said "some people are so sociopathic that they don't even care who they're with as long as that person is making them feel good." And I certainly don't believe that about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when I explained to him, as gently as possible, that he was not OW's only OM. I guess that's one advantage of being "friends" with the OW.

FNF -- how's BABY?! Baby Paddy is HUGE. 7 months old this past weekend and wearing 12 month clothes. I need to buy her clothes for the first time and I'm just OVERWHELMED.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf:
Specifically? My instincts are saying that WH is lying through his teeth right now (about what, I don't know... could be A-related but maybe not); that the only time I can trust him is when I'm looking right at him; that he is not strong enough to fix himself; that he does not and will never meet my needs. In other words, that D is inevitable regardless of his current or future fidelity status. And that maybe that's as it should be. That maybe I'm better without him. The sticking point is my feeling that I'd be doing a disservice to my children (by breaking up a family that could function well even if it were personally unsatisfying for me, and by not providing a constant block between WH's actions and the effects of his actions on my children... I fear that without me standing in his way, WH could really mess up our kids and I don't trust him to NOT mess them up). While I know that I cannot control WH's actions, with my presence I can at least keep my kids from being influenced by those people with whom WH would align himself if he didn't have me filling the wife/companion role. Or, in lay terms: WH screws gutter trash and likes hanging out with people sicker than him, and I'm the only healthy adult he associates with.

We don't use "trespass." We say "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Frankly, I have NOT forgiven my WH's debt. But then he hasn't tried to make good on it, either. But debt is not a trigger word, and trespass would TOTALLY trigger me!

ETA:
"the vengeful Catholic part of you must remember that every sin must be paid for"
... the vengeful Protestant parts think so, too.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 12:25 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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