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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Just sticking my head in to say that if you'd ever seen FNF, you would not believe she could me a grandma even once, never mind more than once. She looks like she's about 19.

Congratulations, FNF. And love to all the LTAers.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting m334455. I found some time off helped me, I am slipping back into posting where I can respond without too much thought close to my own issues.

honesttoafault: The timeline for me was helpful to address the feeling I have had that it has been a year since dday, I accept the reality of the A and FWW's behavior, so why do I still struggle at times? The reality is that there is an arc of events that span January 2006 to present that all inter-connect. In this nearly 5-year arc, I have had only a very short time recently where I understood what really had been going on in my life and with my M, and (for the last year) that I was not actively confronting FWW. I think it is OK to take a little more time to finish sorting things out and waiting to see how FWW is going to be in the future.

FNF, congratulations on a successful birth. A healthy happy baby, and a boy at that is a wonderful thing.

Also on the good news front...

Today I found the pictures of FWW and OM#2 at a fundraising event are no longer posted on the website where they have been since before I found them shortly after dday! Not that I routinely look at them to re-experience the pain and anger , but it is nice to know they are no longer available. No more of his cheesy smirk, them hugged up together, her beaming at being at such an upscale event, the lies and hypocrisy this event represented
, ...


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.

Congrats FNF!

Have any of you ever read how Blessed Teresa felt cut off completely from God?

ďLord, my God, you have thrown [me] away as unwanted - unloved,Ē she wrote in one missive. ďI call, I cling, I want, and there is no one to answer, no, no one. Alone. Where is my faith? even deep down right in there is nothing. I have no faith. I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart.Ē

She added: ďI am told God loves me, and yet the reality of the darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?Ē

She even compared her problems to hell and admitted that she had begun to doubt the existence of heaven and God.

"The smile," she wrote, "is a mask or a cloak that covers everything. I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God, a tender personal love. If you were there you would have said, 'What hypocrisy'."

-- article from the Telegraph

This is how I feel. On the flip side, the worst thing that ever could have happened to me has happened to me and still my heart beats and life goes on. I will never trust a person ever again. I will never feel loved ever again. But, I can still make a gift of myself to the world. I can love without feeling loved. I can be trustworthy without being trusting.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - thanks Bro. Wedding ring is back where it belongs on my finger - my committment to my WW is firm until its finally over or we R.
Ladies
Ive found that I have improved my comminication with WW this year. I am more patient in listening to what she has to say & then I repeat what she has told me to confirm that I understand what she means - not my interpretation. Its a skill Im not good at but Im working on it. We talk much much more than we have in previous years. Even when she is having a really bad day I purposely engage her (I didnt in the past) & find that it does soothe the savage beast so to speak. I do it because I want to, its fun & I want to reconnect with her, get to know her all over again. I wont take her granted or be complacent like I was in the past.Some guys just dont get it.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad I was able to help deeppurple. btw, durin g this last year I did learn that a gold wedding band can dent drywall at 20' if flung with enough intensity

I still struggle to listen to FWW and reflect what she said or just be supportive and not step in and tell her how to fix the problem in my heart I am a fixer.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - Im a fixer & have been all my life - biggest lesson Im learning is I cant fix her - if only she could fix herself.....

[This message edited by deeppurple at 4:02 PM, October 19th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wont take her granted or be complacent like I was in the past.Some guys just dont get it.

Amen, brother. Good for you for not being just another one of those guys.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
brokenheart59
♂ Member
Member # 28304
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW Oral affairs lasted 3-5 years she is not even sure when it started. It ended 15 years ago but I just found out. My whole marriage is a LIE.


BS-Me
WW-Her, 3-5 years 2 different men
true feelings for 1

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: US
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I see I missed a birthday Ė I see it was a good and a pat on the back Mr nofun!

Hi FNF, and hello Baby FNF >sigh< sweet, sweet babies.

Hi to the newbies Ė welcome.

Sorry I havenít been in, itís been a bit of a mix of trying to stay off SI to see if self-help/blanking out promotes the leaving behind and moving forward, trying to analyse and put away the whole Pandoraís Box of my Hís betrayal, to come to terms with who I was and who I am now. I have just five more pages to go, but I ran out of steam. So I skim-read. Iíll catch up later.

And I have a dilemma I need to talk out. It's way gone midnight here and I need to reach out to my LTA friends.

Okay. As yíall know, WHís affair was with the HSgf/ex-fiancee. Before her was another HSgf Ė whether a dalliance, a fling of a few months or what (although Iím positive EA), I donít know. Only that something went off for a while. And then the other, going back some years, was a subordinate colleague, so kind of irrelevant to the current case. Well, another HSgf is in touch. I think she went to a couple of reunion meets in London. She was the gf who got kicked out by the one who became the fiancee. Well anyway, her son is at a uni less than two hours from here and she and her H are planning to visit a well known visitor centre less than an hour from here. We live in a well know tourist spot. She emailed H and said it would be nice to drop by on the Thur pm or eve or Fri am when they are free. I thought on my feet and suggested to H that they stay over. (I know; dangle, dangle, watch and wait to see if he takes the bait.) This is next week, 28/29th. She emailed back that while it would be nice, perhaps just the evening. They didnít want to intrude or for us to get bored with their company. So, out for dinner.

Am I mad? Should I have just said ďAnother old GF Ė are you fucking kidding me? No way!Ē But there again, I am hugely curious about her. And it was a long, long time ago. And Iíve said yes now, so it would be rude to change my mind. I think he only went out with her for a couple of terms. Iím not sure how Iím going to handle this. I have big self esteem issues Ė they are all highly educated and intellectual and Iím just Ė well, me. I am due out with a friend on the Thursday day. I donít want to cancel and I donít think I should anyway. But Iím on hot coals already. And feeling slightly sick.

I have to go to bed. Itís late and my parents are here. They are 86 and 82, so I wear a happy mask for them while they are here. And let them think my marriage is perfect. And that I am the love of my Hís life. It's sooo tiring. Sheesh. Iíll be back in the morning.

BTW, I would post in Gen, but I donít think I can take the 2x4ís or the harsh remarks. Not right now. 'Night Tribe.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:50 PM, October 19th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl: So good to see you. We missed you! I do understand what you mean about taking a break. Sometimes I just don't want to think and reflect on the A/M.

As for your dilemma.... well, you already said yes to these people, but, I think it would be better to just go out to eat, or meet them at a restaurant. I don't see the need for them to come to your home.

What a trigger for you. At least this one is doing the right thing by including you and her H in this "reunion". But what is the point of this, unless they were really just more friends than gf/bf?

I would try to talk to WH about this so you guys can go to dinner with this couple more relaxed.

It is probably good to have your parents there, but so hard to keep up appearances. Hang in there.

Ats, thank you for your perspective about the time line. I'm starting to connect the dots a little, and the only dates I have is the birth dates of the OC's which WH doesn't know I have.

M3: That was a good quote from St. Theresa. I taught confirmation years ago and one of the projects the kids have to do was write a research report on the saint whose name they chose. I had a book on the lives of the saints, and they all had it hard, all doubted.
I hope someday you can find you can trust people again. I don't know, I haven't lost trust in people in general. I know there are those who are reliable and it has nothing to do if they care for me or not. I never felt I could rely on my father, although I knew he loved me.

Perhaps you mean, giving the gift of yourself to trust to someone else? If that is what you mean, I think a lot of us would have great difficulty to do ever again. I had given it to my first xWH, and to WH when we were dating, and he cheated then. It took me a long time to trust him again when we were married. Ironically, I didn't give my full trust to him for years, and then when I did.....dday happened.

I hope you can find some peace M3, and try not to stay away too long, we missed you too!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenheart: welcome to our little corner of SI. I'm not sure what you mean by "oral" affairs. Anyway, even though these A's happened many years ago, the discovery is still very painful.

Deep purple and Ats, thank God for you and the other guys here. It is very good to see a guy's pov and you have such wonderful insights to give.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he really believes he is a good guy....and that all the past is gone and done...never mind that he still can't tell the truth about anything, past or present...cannot own his shit, is a shitty father and even worse husband....

OMG, this is my reality!!

My H is doing a 180 on me.
He's pissed at me tonight because I told him that he can't hire one of his firefighter "brothers" to put a kitchen in one of my rental units. (I own a property management company)One of my conditions was that none of his firefighter brothers would EVER benefit from me giving them work AGAIN. They are all cheating on their wives, who I know and love. Jesus...why can't he see this? I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. They were co-conspiritors, they covered for him. He covered for them. I told him last year I don't want any of them putting their foot into my place of business....and it's my business NOT HIS!!! Grrrr..
And he's not talking to me? It have no patience anymore, I'm going to lose it and explode. Why doesn't he get it?

Ok, that was my vent for the night...sorry guys!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome back ukgirl and m3: you were both missed...

ukgirl: i don't care if it hurts her feelings or not, i say cancel....when people break up and there are no children it needs to stay the way it is intended...OVER.....

testing him:.....doesn't matter, you still won't trust him, you still won't really know and you know that.......

what does your husband say about this?

if you do decide to go through with this, definitely do it in a restaurant, and don't you dare think any less of yourself because you think they are intellectual....many intellectuals are as stupid as they come....book smarts does not equal life smarts....


m3: we all take breaks, sometimes you need to step away from the pain of it all....

i am glad to hear that you are all well.....and when you are ready maybe an update on how things are going...


fnf: that is WONDERFUL NEWS....congratulations....i love new babies....and brooke i have seen a pic of fnf, she is what is called one hot grandma....a truly beautiful woman inside and outside....


brokenheart: welcome to the lta corner.....pain knows no time limits...i am so sorry for your pain.....are you in "r"...


fun: so he is doing the 180......i am not quite sure whether to be angry for you or happy for you to have a little peace and quiet....sometimes the silent treatment does have benefits,.....especially when most of what comes out of the mouth is pure garbage.......

i say let him stew, he'll get over it....and if not...then its just too bad....maybe he could take a lesson or two in moving on and letting go...


don't you just love it when irony can be used to your advantage....and just think he is all in a hissy fit over a "freind" not getting business....wonder how that would compare to a spouse fucking another....talk about betrayal....sheesh....

another spouse joins the ranks of toddler...


nell: i love the vows too, i love the whole process of vowing to be true to yourself first and foremost.....so yay nell


as for the inlaws.....that is one plus for me....i no longer have to deal with the evil people....with exception to the brothers wives and their children.....the rest are out of my life....of the 2 brothers...one is a cooked goose and the other is tolerated.....so this was a tremendous win win for me....these people were torturous to me for my entire marriage and engagement....good riddance...


since d-day i have my freedom from ever letting anyone walk on me again in any way shape and form....i put up with a lot of crap for love before d-day....NO MORE.....i am done, halleluyah!!!!!


tonite pfm was at his usual in communication skills...

after a veiled threat to dd tonite over something...when everyone left the table i told him my thoughts....then i realized i was doing it again, stepping in...so i told him i was wrong and was backing off...there is no point to my saying anything, he tells me that he is making progress...ready this is what he calls progress:

pfm: i am not abusive, i don't get really loud or crazy anymore



my reply: well if you turn back into that monster, you won't be living here anymore.....i did get a little more descriptively heated.....and ended with the old pfm is not welcome in this house anymore, ever.....i was talking about the supposed "new" pfm....he hasn't made any progress.....


so he is not a monster man in this house anymore....yippee!!!


i really need a vacation from this man....im thinkin of seriously giving myself a spa weekend for my birthday....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

miracle

as for the inlaws.....that is one plus for me....i no longer have to deal with the evil people..good riddance...

This is also true for me. I have always despised most of his family - one or two are nice but the rest are so false it makes me sick. I guess that's where his dishonesty comes from

Anyway since dday I have not spoken to the one's I don't like. No phone calls - nothing. And I don't care. They don't know what he did and at present I don't plan to tell them. He hasn't yet asked me about the lack of contact. I was always nice before because they were his family but now I cannot be bothered - and why should I??? I was only nice for his sake before.

I suppose the day will come when someone asks "What's happened to her? Why doesn't she send b'day cards anymore etc?" I'll let him explain - he will of sourse lie but I just don't care.

Hi to all the newbies - so sorry you are here.

Welcome back to all the old timers and any lurkers.

Would love to know your stories but find it so hard to keep track of everyone.

I love it here. Have checked out Multiple Affairs and think I probably belong there as well but posting seems very sporadic and a little too gloomy for my liking so will stay with LTA. Isn't it awful to think I belong - like many here - in both.

OW3 leaves the country on Saturday. H is not working until then so at least I will have a few weeks (more I hope) with him not working with her.

Just realised I also belong in "When your S works with the AP". Oh well nice to feel I belong!!!


((((((tribe))))))


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since d-day i have my freedom from ever letting anyone walk on me again in any way shape and form....i put up with a lot of crap for love before d-day....NO MORE.....i am done, halleluyah!!!!!

Me too!!! Me too!!!

I also had nasty in-laws and when they died (they died 2 days apart)I was actually relieved they were gone. H has one sister and she is a witch. If he wants to have communication with her he can but I don't call or do cards. I QUIT!!

FNF - congratulations...babies make you smile. They are a gift.

Hugs to the tribe this morning....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish, going back here:
Plus, I'm hoping that WH will see in black and white how long he was betraying me. Has anyone done this? Does it help?
Yes and no. Yes, if you get the truth. No if he lies and/or minimises. I tried by giving him a timeline start Ė significant dates, holidays, birthdays, events, changes of job, etc. I didnít help by adding what I knew about the affair in the way of dates and places. I wanted to see what he would tell. Or, more importantly, not tell. And that told me a vast amount about him. And he has never volunteered anything since.
Like most WS my H says that he never thought that I would find out.

God - this is so FUCKING arrogant.

Yes. But this is how they think. And I didnít find out Ė WH told me. If he hadnít and if MOW had stuck to their original agreement (whatever that was), it would still be going on today and I would be none the wiser.
WH about how arrogant he is, or maybe it's more accurate to say how arrogant I think he is. He completely denies this and absolutely refused to believe me until I told him that I have heard others say this about him. He was shocked!!!
Are we married to the same man? I liked to think I knew my H better than most (wry laugh) and that his ďarroganceĒ was a veneer, a cover for someone who actually wasnít as confident as he portrayed. But now I see he was supremely confident that I would never find out about his LTA so yes, he is arrogant and I agree with those who had said so all those years!!!

Laura, Iím glad your H was able to distance himself and just give you the truth. I had so much TT that I made my own versions of his LTA and, just like you, I have no doubt my imagination is actually worse than what really took place. But itís all I have. The damage is done. And when I gave him a last chance after I had spoken with the BH and he still lied, his reason was that he had ďforgottenĒ more than he remembered. Even when I put the specifics to him. So although it was so very hard for you to hear, it must have been what you needed and Iím glad your H was able to give it to you.

All I can do is live in this moment and see how things are. There is much she is doing right, and a couple of significant (to me) things being left aside. We have discussed the missing itmes, so now I will see if she decides to pick up her part, if they are not as important to me as I thought, or if they are the dealbreakers in the end.
There have been a lot more in the way of steps back rather than steps forward lately and I think that living in the moment is all you can do, treating it all as a watch and wait. Your WW has a lot of ground to make up to do to get anywhere near the best you have been in the past. She should have a tag that reads ďTreat with CautionĒ.

Wedding ring is back where it belongs on my finger - my committment to my WW is firm until its finally over or we R..
This should be for you. Just you. In the same way as some of us have bought ourselves a ring (I called mine my ďtrue to myself ringĒ) it is your commitment to YOU and your future. It is odd how something so small becomes so significant though.

I had a really nice meeting with NJgal this weekend

Liíle SI G2G. And I like the MC story too. Reminds me of the rabid MC session when I was foaming at the mouth with anger and really let rip into Mr Ukgís pathetic excuses. God, there was no stopping me that night, he never stood a chance!

FWH is in Italy at the moment, I will sit on the "ex-HSgf" thing until tomorrow. We will be eating out at a restuarant, so that takes care of the entertaining side. H has met up with her before anyway at the annual HS reunion meets every Dec. So I think it would be to my benefit to meet her and just see if there is anything to be concerned about and for fWH to realise that it's also about meeting my needs.

Time to go......

[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:05 AM, October 20th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cross posting nofun.
If he wants to have communication with her he can but I don't call or do cards. I QUIT!!
Ditto. I have cut toxic BIL and his spiteful wife out of my life. Sheís currently undergoing cancer treatment. I am interested, feel for her and her family and for BIL, but thatís as far as it goes. I won't get involved. I have distanced myself from a few other people too. I donít feel duty bound anymore!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura: way back when i posted on quite a few icr threads....but like you said the posting is quite sporadic....i didn't see too much nastiness thankfully....i love lta, the peeps here totally rock.....the support that we give each other is hard to match.....and i like that for the most part we all know each others stories.....it helps tremendously with my healing process....

as for the inlaws....mine don't know either, only one sil knows (brothers wife)...she and i have gotten very close in the past 2 years, she is and has been going through her own shit with her husband...and being married to this family has given us a special bond....and her husband like mine has been excommunicated from the family....which has been the bestest blessing....we very happy about this part, although we both would love to be "d" from our respective husbands.....in due time, in due time....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a rough morning.

I guess some days it bites you in the ass no matter what you do.

Anyway, I've got some new clothes in the past couple of weeks (nothing fancy, just some Old Navy things that fit well) and that's very nice.

I was thinking this morning to myself: M3, what would you do for yourself to heal completely if WH and OW were dead (not as in I'm going to off them, as in, they're really 100% gone, gone, gone.) What then?

Just a thought. Who do I want to be? How do I want to look? What kind of relationships do I want with others?

I also thought yesterday, I need to take care of my nannies and my sister better. I should focus some of my energy on those people who have been consistently good to me -- those three, my neighbor, a friend of mine...

Ever read the Marriage Builders website? That's got me thinking too.

Anyway, I guess I'm in a "goal-setting" phase. Most of these goals have nothing to do with WH or infidelity.

I'll be seeing IC again in a few weeks -- he wanted to see me in a month and it's been about 3 weeks now. I'm very interested in what his take on WH's meeting with him was.

ETA -- UK -- I don't like your plan. I like you though.

Also, tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I realized WH was a WH. The 28th is the day I found the naked pictures of and texts to OW. Dec. 1 is the day I confronted/confirmed. the 18th was the anniversary of the last time I saw OW. I don't miss her anymore -- but I remember how much it hurt to realize she was not at all who I thought I was and not a friend. I still find shit that reminds me of her and the A and keep throwing it away. Still cleaning house. Still haven't re-painted from that color that reminds me of her since she went and painted her whole house that color (copycat).

Googled her Monday (idiot, I know) and found out she got a promotion. I could just gag.

Whatever -- she wanted my WH's baby and always wanted a little girl and Baby Paddy is the sweetest most beautiful little girl EVER and the apple of her Daddy's eye. Plus, I still make more $ than her.

Still -- a YEAR and I care on some level. I guess losing a long "friendship" is hard. I dreamt of XH every night for 2 1/2 years after my D.

Just for total "not fairs" though, WH said in IC that he NEVER thinks of her or the A unless someone brings it up.

[This message edited by m334455 at 12:39 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: don't beat yourself up because it still permeates your thoughts...how it could it not, i mean all of it, how could it not....sure we have days where it can be sometimes an hour, a couple of hours.....but its always there in the background somewhere, someplace......it becomes a part of us, like so many stories in our lives...it takes time for it to find a proper place in our minds, somewhere in the back, where its no longer at the forefront of everything we do......like so many stories in our lives, this one too will find its place within our history of how we came to be the people we are, ever changing, ever adapting, ever learning and ever healing from the bad experiences of our lives...

and we will heal m3, we will heal...why...because its why we are here, it why we go to ic, its why we do most of what we do.....this site is a huge part in our being proactive in our healing, as is ic.....the rest is stuff we do on our own from working out, eating right, reading books, even enjoying our children or shopping for new clothes....

the list is endless of the things we do for ourselves....the more we do, the faster the process, the faster the process, the quicker it is til we are healed and not in the healing state anymore....the quicker we are healed, the quicker we move on the the next experience in life, and with gods graces the next experience will be one of complete joy.....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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