Now, I'm scared to death. I was trying to be smart and put up with stuff because of the finances. I can't do it any more. I'm killing myself this way. I thought I could detach and was working on it. I don't know if this is a glitch and I can still keep going some more until I am more on my feet financially. Until I have more of my sanity.
I feel like such a failure to myself and the kids because I lost it like this. I always knew if push came to shove, this was the way of it. He already chose. He was just keeping me hanging on (like that Supremes song)
I feel I've lost it. I don't know which way is up anymore. I do so well, and then fall down flat on my face again.
I'm so sorry I've been asking for so much help from here. I'm just a mess.
I'm glad you are getting angry. Stop beating yourself up for being unable to pretend to be ok with this crap for financial gain. It's an impossible task. Short term, while you get some proof together, etc., yes, long term, no.
HIS financial situation is YOUR financial situation. Any judge will have a G'damn field day with this. Let him say he makes no money while he supports 2 families in 2 different countries!!!!!
They will see through it in a minute. It doesn't matter if the money is there or here - they look at his earning potential which they determine by looking at HIS LIFESTYLE!!!!
The laws here in NY just changed and they made getting temporary relief a lot easier for people in your situation.
You must do what is right for you or you will be no good for anyone else. "If mommy isn't happy, no one's happy." Too true.
You are not acting selfishly. (And, btw, trying to argue points of his religion is in my opinion detracting from the main thrust of your argument, which is that you are not accepting it and you don't give a crap why he thinks it's ok.)
G'damn it you got me all worked up now.
(Not mad at u Honest, I'm mad at him...)
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 10:11 PM, October 11th (Monday)]
Thank you. I did get strong for a moment, and now I'm a slithering mess.
Yes, WH is giving me enough money to run the household, but I was so afraid he'd pull the plug on us. I can no longer live in fear, but still do.
I know I'm supposed to get up and do it myself. I did all these years. I was always the strong one who did everything all my life. I just can't seem to do it anymore.
I'm so sorry for this p.l.o.m. (poor little ole' me) vent.
i am not quite sure whose profile you read....i did read yours and it is quite short...so i do not know your story...but when you are ready we are here to listen...
honest: i am glad you are getting it out....and don't worry about him...odds are he will find a way to rationalize your outburst to be all your fault and i am sure he will still carry on the way he did before.....now if you keep outbursting everytime you speak to him...well then he might actually get a message through his head....but it will NEVER be the message he really needs to hear...he will always twist it and turn it to suit his behavior, he will NEVER "SEE" his behavior as anything wrong....
i am so sorry honest...this will be one instance in which he doesn't get it and never will....he is beyond a miracle, he is beyond all reason.....
and again he never chose...you did...you cannot force him to choose....you keep trying and keeps refusing...he wants you both....and YOU ARE CHOOSING NOT TO BE INVOLVED IN HIS SHIT ANYMORE....he did not ever choose her, if he did..you would have been gone already.....and trying to force him to choose is not working because he won't....you think that by not giving her up he is choosing her....not so....he wants you both....he has made that quite clear in his actions and his words...and he is mad at you for putting him in the position of having to defend himself, he is mad at you because you won't just let it be and let him be.....
and you know what honest....it doesn't really matter....the only thing that matters really is that you know who he is now...and who he is is not for you!!!!
and you vent here as much as you need too...
petunia: thanks for your sympathy...i too at one time thought of charles and diana with camilla....so much so that i know this might sound crazy, but i actually prayed to her a couple of times for some guidance...i think she was an amazing woman, to go through all that she went through so publicly and with such grace....her life ended way way too soon....it kind of sucks...he wins...charles is with camilla now....and happy as a clam and diana is dead....just as she seemed to be getting her life back, its gone...sad
deeppurple: i am amazed that you will still be there for her, you must love this woman with all of who you are.....have you asked her about the preg test...and i am sorry to ask, do not answer if you do not want to...but if she is, are you the dad?
is she in ic...are you????i hope so on both counts...
Privately, we wrestled. I was always unhappy with his attention to other women and his over friendliness
was this the only issue in the marriage?
acceptance is a very helpful key for us to have....it opens more doors that were initially closed....it sort of lets us out of a prison...the prison of living with the pain day in and day out...
the sentence we serve varies with each day, there are days we are doing the laundry (washing it all away if we can) then there are the days of serving on the chain gang...paving new roads in uncharted territory...there is such a variety of sentences within this prison....acceptance is the first key to freedom....
learning to live with what is what was and what will never be....and then living, really living with the what is.....and living in that present every day....not an easy task...but doable...it takes alot of soul searching work....the reward though is amazing....it can be done and it certainly is easier said then done...but what is important is that IT CAN BE DONE....
make the decision to make it happen, make choices that reflect that decision and commit to them all.....
strong: wow, i read your post and had some major deja vu.....back in 1999, i contemplated leaving pfm, my bff at the time had separated from her husband, he cheated...and we both needed to leave the neighborhood we were living in for safety of our kids....the neighborhood changed drastically..anyways, that was about the time i became a "hole" and pfm and i were very unhappy, i loved my husband, but i was very unhappy being his wife...i thought long and hard on this...i had the opportunity...it would have been a good clean break as we sold our house and had not found another to purchase...i could have used my share of the sale and my bff did the same... we could have pooled our money and bought a house to gether...she even offered to work so i could stay home with all the kids, we each have 3 kids...it would have been ideal for both of us....but i knew that if i did leave him i would end up regretting it.....i couldn't do that to my kids not while i still loved their dad....of course had i known he was involved with ow it would have been a no brainer...but i never knew....so i still do not regret that decision...even though another 10 years have passed and i was still not in a happy marriage....but i did have a happy family....and periodically i saw the man i knew he could be...i thought he was to wrapped up in work and his foo.....never knew it was work, foo and multiple ow including 2 lta's, one of which he "loved"....never mind that she was there before me.. ...anyways....i rambled on again...sorry...i will shut up about this now...
your c...give her some time....they "see" lots more then we realize, as long as they are good at what they do anyways....sometimes we are too close...and she has your perspective too...she listens...
Miracle and Allgood, thank you for your support. I was having a mini meltdown. (what else is new?) I'll see if I have any xanax in the house. I haven't taken one since last year.
Love to eveyone and pray for me.
The old computer may have died but the hard drive might be able to be salvaged.
If you take it to a computer tech they will be able to tell you. Also if you have an external hard drive they could copy all files onto it for you in case you need them at a later date.
As far as material in his language is concerned you could also copy these files and store away for future use.
I have not been posting because
a) I cannot keep up with everyone and feel bad just talking about myself
b) have decided just to respond to one person at a time - it's all I can manage
c) I've been in some very bad places in my head.
Cannot reconcile me his wife, mother of his children, hard worker who earns 2X as much as him and did all housework, bills, shopping, looking after kids - health, school work, emotionally, supported him in his business - which went bust and cost us a mint - our mortgage is same as in 1992 when we bought our house because he blew all our money on breeding race horses and I helped him. Came home after working all day when he went to work in evenings, looked after kids, cooked, washed etc etc etc and fed 40 fucking horses many days. These in paddocks - not stables - so carting heavy feed bins and hay sometimes in pouring rain.
THEN he is late home (1am instead of 11.30pm) and tells me he had to work back late or was talking to workmates when he was fucking his nurse whores!! For 16 yrs!!!
Then yesterday found out daughter has MAJOR health issues. Son has Marfan (life-threatening) and now daughter has been diagnosed with major skeletal problems which should have been picked up by doc when she was younger. Treatment is long, expensive, painful and not always successful.
Feel like my life is stuffed!!!
What did I do to deserve this?????????????????????
Honest - I've been reading your posts and I'm glad you are letting it out. You are in such a tough place but I know you will get through this. Take a xanax, it will help take the edge off. I'm praying for you.
About your grown sons and their reactions lately. Allgood and miracle were right. They are not happy with the way your WH is treating you. I know I would have been very pissed if someone had treated my mother this way. I am sure they think that you should just dump him and go on. I do seem to remember that they have been very supportive of you. Can you talk to them and ask for more patience and support from them? Explain to them that you really need their help and understanding. I can't imagine a son being able to resist this from his mother.
Don't be putting yourself down for venting here and feeling so up and down. Please remember that you did not ask to be on this ride. Concerning all these law issues. Listen to Allgood. She knows the ins and outs. I am sure she can be a big help to you.
Mother hen has some chicks missing, but look at all the new ones arriving on the scene. If the missing chicks return, mother hen is going to be up to her short ass in aligators.
Well, you do not deserve this and it is not your fault. None of us deserve to be treated this way or have bad things happen to us. I encourage you to come here and vent as often as you want. This place will help you.
My time is up. Gotta go.
Hugs to the tribe.
EasyDoesIt (I can't shorten yours to Easy... that's wrong... maybe EDI?),
Howdy. Do I recall that your WH (STBXH?) has a violent porn (rape, etc.) habit, which he has "acted out" with you? Or am I confusing you with someone else?
I think our stories sound similar mostly because the leading "men" are liars, cowards and cake-eaters. Aren't we lucky?
If you can get through the fear, there's peace and joy on the other side. The empowered moments will get longer and longer as you get into the habit of acting on your power. You do have power... inner power/strength. I've seen it here.
How are ya?
Hugs to you and your kiddos and prayers to all of you as requested.
I hope your WW is in IC. Midlife stuff is a bitch but it can bring opportunity for good... cleaning out the psyche of all the crappy stuff you no longer want and giving you a clearer vision for your future. Or, if you're too scared of yourself, it can bring selfish, entitled acting out. It doesn't sound like she can choose the harder, better path on her own.
Why is it that your post got the Beatles "Love Is All You Need" stuck in my head?!?! I'm glad you're not what-iffing your life away.
That's all I got.
newbies and oldies....never ever feel bad or guilty for not posting....we have all been there, it can be so overwhleming at times just being able to function let alone try and remember everyone's story, or even attempt at times to respond to all of us...we can be chatty, we can be an overwhelming group just in number of posts sometimes....
posting is for all of us alike, it does not matter if you post once or 10 times a day or even more if that is what you need...there are enough of us lta'ers around to respond most of the time...even if its just with hugs...and sometimes that is all we have and sometimes that is all we need....
laura: my gosh talk about a full plate...i am adding you to my prayers for your childrens health....kids should not get sick, unless of course its curable or fixable so i will be praying that this will be the case for both your kids....
as for your wh's behavior...hopefully all of that is done and over.....and we all know about those bad places....i try not to go there, but sometimes you just do.....so have a plan for these times...because dwelling there is not going help you and its not going to make him any more or less remorseful,...he is either really remorseful down to his soul or he is not.....and yes there are shade of remorse, and even those won't change....the only function it serves is to keep you in pain....not that the pain ever really goes away so soon....but there are shades of pain too...we have all experienced those shades....the raw pain, to the dull pain, to the knife to the numbing....
so get a plan for when your mind goes there...try to refocus on something else and right now you have so much going on in your life concentrating on your kids takes priority..not easy to do when you feel that overwhleming sense of sadness and loss on the marriage front...and right now BOTH your kids need you to be as whole as you can muster.....
((honest)): god bless xanax, if you do not have any left call the dr and get some more.....
((deeppurple)): i am amazed at your willingness to be there to pick up the pieces, not just your willingness but you desire to do just that, especially after all you have learned and still continue to learn....
if i may ask, what does your ic say about this?..and its ok if you do not wish to answer...i get really nosy sometimes...
dip: does not matter how many new chicks there are....i like knowing they are all accounted for....and there better not be any alligators roaming about or i will just have to send you out to get them since that is your speciality....i could only send mudslide and cabana boys....oh and giesha girls too, i am expanding my repoitoire...
"all you need is love" now i will be singing it in my head i think today...
if only that were enough for us all...
and my final comment to you: wow, i am impressed....looks like good note taking....
I am feeling "blah". Just sad I guess, but not in a disabling kind of way. I just feel lonely - which is how I felt prior to DDay - some of the reasons for that were A-related in that my H really wasn't participating in our family and some is not & continues to date - such as the fact that my H & I do not have weekends off together.
I just don't feel like a "team" and envy those families that seem to do everything together.
I am also struggling with my apparent indifference to my H. I guess it's hard to like and appreciate someone I still perceive as a liar. Even when he is doing the right things, it's just not doing it for me. I guess that's what we need to work on.
How is everyone else?
And - now that cooler months are ahead I think we need to start thinking about substitutes for the cabana boys... Any ideas?
Nah, cabana boys if we go to the Carribean?
What was the name of that dance revue with the guys that was popular a while back? Something with Gentlemen...... don't remember.
LTA guys, please don't mind the ramblings of a foggy BS!
ETA: I can work with the ski/snowboard instructor -but I really don't like being outdoors in the winter....
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 2:02 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]
allgood who says we have to be outdoors....there are lodges where there are fireplaces and hot choc...and of course ahem...rooms...
although i wouldn't mind taking in a show, do chippendale dancers still exist....i would love to see or rather have a man strip for me to music....then maybe we can make some other kind of music...kwim,,,
i am sorry you are feeling lonely allgood, if its any consolation...me too.... ...but i am workin on it....i certainly am workin on it...
[This message edited by deeppurple at 3:27 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]