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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats:

Very insightful, well written post.
Best of all, you seem like you are well.
Thank you for helping me center myself this morning.
Peace brother.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong:

I told her because now I WANT MORE!

this is awesome, and you deserve more....its so sad to me to see how much we were willing to put up with prior to d-day, i have no regrets about it though, i know i did everything and then some for the man i loved and my kids, i loved unconditionally.....now its time for the next chapter of our story...and in this chapter...."i" come first as should "you" strong.....no longer his needs, his wants, his desires, but ours...for me that would not include him at all, for you, who knows....if he does what you did for him, if he shows you with actions and deeds you will hopefully move forward in a better relationship for "you"......if not, you will have done the work needed to move forward with life knowing exactly what you need and what you will and will not accept...


ats:

i love your post, it shows that you are finding peace, and that you are on the road to achieving that peace


The Universe attacks us at our weakest points,

i do not look at life as though we are at war...although there are times i do feel like i am in a battlefield....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, that was a beautiful post. It sounds like you are feeling at peace today, and your post has given me some peace too. Thank you for sharing.

I know you are in a very hard place right now. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

{{{{ats}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats))) You have been in my thoughts. I'm so glad you posted and it sounds like have some peace of mind, at least for now. Sometimes we have to survive moment-to-moment but then the moments in between get longer and longer and before you know it you've made it through the day. Keep posting!

its so sad to me to see how much we were willing to put up with prior to d-day
I think this is what my IC was trying to get me to see yesterday, that for too long I was living my life for WH and not always for myself. The crazy thing is that about 5 years ago I made a conscious decision to try and do just that...live my life more honestly, as in doing things just for me, because I wanted to and not because WH thought it's what I should do. Don't get me wrong, he's not controlling, but he does have a VERY strong ego and self-image which made me depend on his opinion more than my own...but I digress. So a about 5 years ago I start running (ironically at WH's suggestion). I started going to see movies on my own as WH never wanted to go and was usually out-of-town anyway. I started reading romance novels again....I used to be embarassed about reading them. So guess what...that's about when WH started his A. As I see it, WH started feeling neglected and had to find someone else to build up his ego. It also seems to me that when I'm more true to myself is when I was most rejected.

WH doesn't see this. His response when I told him about this was that he never stopped "loving me" even during the A. Does he think I should be grateful for that?? What an A**!

WH felt neglected by me...hence his "hurt" that I wouldn't always answer his calls, and he mocked that I would bake and send cookies to our two oldest kids (one in college, one now out of college but on his own and in the Navy). Seriously! Even to me this sounds ridiculous, but these past few months I've been terrified to send them cookies when WH was home! Even IC/MC noted that what he really wants is for me to be at his beck and call when he is available. My life isn't crazy but I do have a job that I work on part-time and have pretty much been mother and father to our kids as they grew up. (DS 16 is still at home.)

So, with WH out-of-town this week I'm going to concentrate on trying to be more true to myself and get stronger. Keep your fingers crossed tribe!

BTW - I don't know what I would do without this group. It is so helpful to me to get your feedback and perspective. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and offer insight.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - great post....You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

Strong - Your M sounds like mine. It's kind of scary. I put up with all kinds of crap in the past, and I'm not going to do it anymore!

I don't know when or how I am ever going to get over this angry stage. It seems like I'm stuck. I've been angry for so long I'm afraid I don't know what it feels like to "not be angry."

(((((Honest)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun...I can identify with the anger. I can't seem to get rid of it either. I don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. I keep hoping that time, time and more time will help.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I don't feel like I'm in a battlefield, but the victim of a terrorist attack by a "sleeper" agent/traitor. (pun intended)

Nofun and strongish, My IC WANTS me to get to the anger stage to help me to get moving on with my life. Perhaps it is good you are in the anger stage so you don't become enmeshed in limbo. I think anger should be my tool to get out of this quagmire.

WH called for 2 days after he left, but I wasn't there to pick up the phone, and I did NOT call him back. The last call was on Friday. When I saw how often and for how long he was calling/talking to OW, this makes it hurt all the more.
I was talking to IC today and I can't seem to get my head around HOW can WH appear to be fine and loving, etc, we were getting along fine, BUT he was calling her so often?
He has been doing this for years and years. It was so hard for me to see this and wonder WHY, what does she have I don't? Yes, she is probably giving him big doses of ego boost, but I know from my sources that she asks for a lot and gets it.

I guess what I'm trying to face is WHY my gut didn't tell me when he was here and all these years that it was an ACT. Why did I feel close to WH the past few weeks he was here and that he did love me, yet he is calling her all the time? It's like I can't trust my gut and that scares me and gets me sooo upset.

Another question I wanted advice for, is when WH is gone, I don't call him at all. I take care of everything. I don't call for help or to complain about anything.

I just didn't want to have anything to deal with him, sort of a 180/NC.

BUT, I'm wondering if I'm just enabling WH with NO responsibility, just financial. I don't call him for the kids' problems, unless it's an emergency. I don't even tell him if they are sick. Of course, if WH calls, I do tell him, but I don't call him to tell him things.

Am I wrong? Should I be calling him to tell him of the problems? I don't want to engage him, but it just occurred to me that WH gets off scott free and doesn't have to worry about anything. Should I really give him a taste of what he bought into and what he wants......the problems of 2 wives??

Just a thought.

I really want to end all of this, but I was really thinking he should really wake up to the reality of what he thinks he wants.

ETA: I haven't been doing this because I was trying to keep away from him, but I have been making it easy for him.

Maybe I really need to get that anger going....

Miracle, I'm starting that list tonight!

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 2:55 PM, October 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gots 5 min..

honest: hell no.....you keep on the 180...the only thing you need to get from that man is money....you need to behave your way to divorce city....this is about you not him anymore....who cares if he has to hear from "2 wives"....definitely not him......it won't make a bit of difference to you in the long run, not one......it will only hamper your progress...

as for "her" asking for shit...what does she ask for...material shit...now i say get on that bandwagon, like yesterday....she makes no emotional demands on him, of that i am certain...he doesnt want the strong emotional ties...if she did make those demands he is obviously not meeting them if you are still a very viable wife....

i expect great things from you with the list btw.....

time to finish off dinner now....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

A couple of things jumped out at me.

First, stop comparing yourself to OW. This is not about you disappointing your WH or not meeting his needs, etc. It is about your WH being a cake eater. I know, I know, you feel like he was "into" her more because he called her more perhaps or was on the phone longer with her, etc. You don't know the content of the conversation, maybe it's nothing to be jealous of at all. But, I really don't think there is any reason to dwell on such things.

I understand what you mean about not trusting your gut. I struggle with that too. I think that your H, like many spouses of the people here, are very good at hiding their emotions, etc. that's why they were able to keep up their As for so long without detection. Obviously we are all not idiots, oblivious to the signs of someone leading a double life. We all, however, appear to have married people who are quite adept at keeping up appearances, keeping a double life without raising suspicion.

So, I get it - you don't trust your gut. I don't trust mine either - mine tells me everyone is a liar these days. I'm hoping this is a time thing.

As for your H and how to handle him. This is not a situation where you are trying to shock him into being someone you want to be married to. You 180 for you. I have to say one of the biggest changes I've made since DDay is I'm not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. If I am stressed out about the house, kids, etc. I'm trying to tell my H specifically what needs to be done instead of getting frustrated/overwhelmed, etc. and then getting pissed off at him for not doing it. So, if you want him to help out with domestic issues so it's not all on you, that's fair -unless that interferes with your ability to remain detached from him.

On that note, I want to see if Mr. Allgood did the 2 damn things I asked him to do several days ago...

It's all about you now Honest. Go get your happiness!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:07 PM, October 5th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is supposed to help oneself...to help detach. This is what I want to focus on. 180 does mean the opposite....I didn't have WH be responsible for anything when he is away, just putting money in the bank.

I was trying to detach this way...but I feel it has backfired in the sense that I feel so abandoned and alone and scared. He should share responsibility and the worry of the kids.

I know what you mean, Allgood. I would always do the same thing, I would end up doing everything and then get resentful. I am changing that with DS's and when WH is here. It actually worked with WH. (but he isn't here long enough anyway...)

What I did, Allgood, was when I wasn't upset or feeling resentful, I sat down with WH and told him what I usually do and how I get resentful. His answer was "why don't you ask for help?", and I told him that I was upset that he didn't SEE that I needed help.

Stupid? Yes, but it happens.

So, I told him that I wanted to change. I do need help and in the future I will specifically ask for it. It did work.

I'm glad Mr. Allgood did some good things.

I just hope I can get some anger to get me going. I hope I can do this to stop this lethal resentment that I HAVE to do everything.

In essense, WH is a cake eater, but he wasn't paying for his cake. It's expensive and time consuming, so I will let him see how it can really be......I'm not enabling him anymore. I will give him more than his fair share of responsibility, while I get my act together.

I did start today by telling him without anger about how the car still needs to be fixed and how much money we are dumping in it. We discussed what we might do about it.

It was a start for me to discuss this as a practical thing and not get emotional and not feel like it was all my responsibility.

I pray I can keep going on this track.

Thank you all for your support.

{{{{{{tribe}}}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of the guys here answer the question, do guys listen to the words? Well I guess I am qualified to answer anyway. Yes I do. I have always been a music fan. I always wanted some music playing and not just for the tunes but for the words. I did learn several years ago that it is not good to turn on the radio just after being informed of a tramatic event. I did that shortly after learning of the death of a close friend. The song had to do with death and to this day if it comes on I will turn to a different station. This is after 25 years. I still do not care to hear certain songs because of the A, but this has eased with time.

Next subject. Cabana boys. I do not know if I really believe in reincarnation, but just in case I am adding cabana boy to my list of who I might want to come back as. They seem to be much in demand.

Now about that problem of your H not helping around the house. Do you all think that maybe us guys believe we are helping by staying out of your way? Maybe we feel it is best if we just stay in one place, like in the easy chair watching tv. Now before you girls get mad at me, hear me out. A few days ago I was helping prepare a meal in the kitchen and guess what. She got irritated at me for being in the way, twice. I was thinking, no wonder I like cooking on the grill, out doors with plenty of space.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um.... Dip.... No - staying out of the way of 1 woman, also tired after working all day, trying to cook, clean and manage the homework and other endless needs of 4 kids is not helping.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, really really quiet in here today....good for the lurkers....means less catch up.. ....but it almost feels too quiet


dip: so you wanna be a cabana boy.....is it for love or money??

the lyrics thing...i too now have memories of certain songs relating to death, the elton john song, funeral for a friend...the first time i heard it, i got the willies, then my uncle killed himself, the next time i heard it, someone else died right after...this has happened 3x....i hate that song now....to me it means someone else i love will die....eerie, isn't it???


honest: i like that you will involve him nonsense, i hope that is all you involve him it....the sooner you completely detach i think the better for you....anything material or where more money is needed, i think you can't call him fast enough...the rest though hon, i think you would find it is not only not worth the trouble, but will end up giving more trouble then satisfying some kind of revenge thing...because this would only enforce his belief that you need him and he will not only turn on the charm but the pressure for you to go overseas and send the boys overseas...or worse try to merge his 2 families.....tread lightly dear heart...this is could be playing with fire...


bottom line: unless its financial : detach detach detach.....


allgood:

So, I get it - you don't trust your gut. I don't trust mine either - mine tells me everyone is a liar these days. I'm hoping this is a time thing.

me too!!!


((((tribe))))

very very quiet...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

It is very quiet in here. Did I scare everyone off? Now about that cabana boy thing. They just seem to be very popular and I thought this is a good thing. I suppose the love and money would be nice.

Women of the tribe. In case I have ruffled any feathers with my "we just think we should stay out of the way comment" here is a pretty cool saying.

A man can work from sun to sun, but a woman's work is NEVER done.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I hate my husband". Faking it until you make it isn't working.

I was driving to work this morning, thinking that "I'm not happy". I deserve better than this. I deserve to be happy. I'm sick of doing for everyone else. Kids included. (I have grown kids). I want to run away. Start over. I want someone that will love me. I'm a good person. I am loyal. I am trust worthy. Why do I stay with a shit head? I deserve to be loved. We all deserve to be loved, honored and cherished. I've been cheated on, betrayed, lied to and I can't let it go. I can't get over it. I don't think I will ever get over it.

H isn't doing what is needed to make me feel loved. All he wants is sex...all the fucking time. I know what I need to do for myself, I'm just not ready to do it. I feel like a failure, a weak idiot. I don't love him, I'm just here for convenience. And I cater to HIS fucking needs.

All of us in LTA are good people and it's the good people that get shit on. I'm sick of it.

Sorry, it just felt good to vent. I've been holding it in.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks O'Dip for your reply about song lyrics. I often recall events by the music of the time, so hearing certain songs can be difficult now.

I wondered where everyone was today. Soooo very quiet... eerie for mid-week. didn't know whether 'no news, good news' or if something ominous was going on.

Thanks Ats for your calming post. I needed to read that. a small dip in the roller coaster ride this week and I've had that 'stomach in my throat' feeling for days.

I don't know when or how I am ever going to get over this angry stage. It seems like I'm stuck. I've been angry for so long I'm afraid I don't know what it feels like to "not be angry."
Ditto, Nofun! And Strongish your post resonates with me too. Yet I'm having trouble putting me first - don't know where to start and end up not getting anywhere.

TGIF... best day of the week!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we all pooled our resources together - financial and non-financial, skills like cooking, etc. we could all dump these shitheads and buy 1 great big house with..... cabana boys and a mudslide bar and a big ol' grill for some out of town guests, perhaps....

Just throwin it out there...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh allgood, i'm in. Wouldn't that blow their fuckin mind?

I have a friend whose H cheated on her and treated her like shit for a few years until she got her groove on and her shit together.
Her parents had money and bought her a small home without her H knowing. While he was at work one day, she had the mover come pack everything up, took her kids, brought the dog to the pound and left. He came home to a completely empty home. That's my plan!!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun - man your friend has cajones! That's quite a statement!

Just curious - but is there something you can pinpoint that has you in this state of mind?

I know for me it's just that any time I check something there's something that is suspicious, but yet inconclusive. EVERY DAMN TIME. In addition, I don't really think I see remorse. Maybe you're not supposed to really see it this far in the game, but I guess I just expect him to be more supportive, especially after I tell him time & time again that's what I need!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, you are right. I initially did not call WH for anything precisely so I could detach, but instead I made myself feel fearful, scared and very, very resentful. I have to be very careful that I don't get emotionally enmeshed again and try to detach.

{{{{Nofun}}}} I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain. Are you in IC? Because of the LTA there is so much pain and anger to deal with. This is not a normal situation. The problem is that so many WS's feel that just because they stopped the affair, all is well with the world. They don't realize that there is so much work to be done to help the BS with their pain and healing, deal with the marital problems, and fix themselves.

Allgood, sounds like a plan! On a beautiful island in the Caribbean.

Lost, it is so hard to put ourselves first. IC is always reminding me about when you go on an airplane, the stewardess demonstrates safety features and to put the air mask on YOURSELF first before you take care of someone else. If you cannot take care of yourself, you will not be able to do anything for anyone else. The first step for me was just to stop doing everything for everyone else first. I had to stop being a martyr. Small steps, and one did not have to be selfish, just at least giving ourselves at least equal attention we give others.

Dip, the point is not so much about helping around the house, but lack of communtication, build up of resentment, not noticing your spouse needs help and taking your spouse for granted. For you, Dip, you do help out by cooking a lot on the grill. There are so many spouses who just sit around oblivious to anything that needs to get done.

It has been very quiet this week. I hope all is well with everyone.

{{tribe}}}


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