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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really just skimmed today because I had an INCREDIBLY crappy today.

Any of my fellow NYers will tell you we had biblical-like rain today which had all sorts of repurcussions.

Anyway, Ats, I know you met with your wife & she blamed everything on you, but I think you also had a meeting today to discuss divorce/separation issues. How did that go?

I had a little trigger yesterday which I guess spilled over to today & my H and I had one Hell of a day today, complete with FUs and hang ups, etc.

Yesterday, my H mentioned something and I immediately thought of OW and he knew it. We avoided each other the rest of the night. (Well, I avoided him and he just kept watching tv.)
This morning, I ask him about what he would like to do for his bday & he says he doesn't care, it's not important to him and, while I was initially able to hold back, I ultimately stated that his birthday used to be important to him when he would pretend to be at work and spend the entire day with OW instead and I guess he doesn't care about his birthday now because it's just going to be spent with his family.
And I got a "F.U." in response.
A few angry texts back & forth and what it all comes down to is he says that he knows it's his fault, but I keep bringing up "the past" and I'm never going to get over it.
And, I agree. I think about his A and how it has F'd up my life every day. Not as much as I used to and I don't get upset as often or as deeply, but still... And, that sucks and there's no changing that.
I told him that I don't bring it up or let it show as often as I feel the pain of HIS betrayal and that is just the way I think - a lot of things remind me of his A. And, I don't do that to hurt him or shame him, but I do it, I think, as a defense mechanism, to remind me who I 'm dealing with.

He acknowledges that he shouldn't get mad about it, but can't help it, I guess just like I know I shouldn't "go there", but do anyway.

I was just saying this to him last week, that we both argue the same way - we both get real defensive & it can get nasty quickly. In one of my calmer moments last week I said one of us has to be the bigger person and just say stop it before it escalates.

So, am I not exercising enough self-control? Is this relationship doomed?

Is there a psychic in the house. C'mon, all these people on SI & no psychics? THere has to be...

O.... I want a drink.... (and a cabana boy)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 4:53 PM, October 1st (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

while i cannot answer your questions i will join you for a drink and a hunk....

cabana' boys, they are hunks arent they???.....


and days like this just suck allgood, for that you deserve first pick of the hunks....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}}

The only suggestion I can make for you is that when you and WH are both calm that you can talk about HOW you two will handle conflict and arguments in the future.

DO NOT bring up anything specific and don't blame each other.

I would suggest that both of you lay ground rules for a heated discussion or argument. For example: no name calling, stick to the subject at hand, if one of you feels so extremely angry that that person will start saying mean things, then walk away until calm.

The two of you can decide what would work for you.

It would take time, but if you both recognize that you are both too angry to really get anywhere, it might be better to walk away and calm down a bit before readdressing the issue.

The whole point I'm trying to make, is that you and WH can promise to RESPECT each other, even when arguing. That can be a start.

Promise each other that you will try to be kind to each other, if not for any other reason than you are parents of your children.

Those triggers can be horrendous. Perhaps you can both discuss what would be the best thing to do when you get them. What do you need? Do you need a hug? An understanding glance?

Hang in there Allgood, sometimes the weather reflects our moods and vice versa.

{{{{Allgood}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I always know it's you posting when I see a post around midnight. Lol.

I agree - ground rules need to be set.

As for triggers - I'm clearly on my own unless I have the wherewithall to contain my anger and tell him I just need a hug. I am officially NEVER going to him again for anything else. It's just ridiculous. I tried talking to him calmly about it when I got home last night to no avail. All I got was he shouldn't have gotten mad at me. Trouble is, both of us admit yesterday that we were both thinking this is over. We just get to that point too quickly - both of us willing to throw in the towel. H says the important thing is that we never do it.
Anyway, I will just deal with my triggers myself, I keep trying to show him that I think that my feeling that I don't get emotional support, plus my belief that he's still at risk for having an A in the future is what is holding me back from being fully engaged in this relationship. I am beating a dead horse at this point. It really is what I am willing to accept. He is too selfish to change.
How are you doing?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone... I hope and pray all are doing well....

hey Allgood...

So, am I not exercising enough self-control? Is this relationship doomed?
No, you are not exercising enough control. Heck, just last night I was being teased about not coming to rescue of my W during a blizzard, yet I can remember is her calling OM several times during all this.... I'm sure I was a demon for not plowing my way over in our 4wd jeep, yet Mr wonderful didn't do anything either! It's just something you need to accept for years to come. If you cannot control it, you keep bringing it up.. then YES, it is doomed. I like Honest's appoach... you gotta figure out some way of handling this... can you?

AST... I see you and your W decided to D.... This will bring you peace. My best friend told me he was going to asked his GF to marry him last Friday night. It was the craziest thing... as he was talking about his new marriage, he started telling me about these birds flying into his window at the new house they moved into... Two birds at different times. One bird flew to his death. The other had a Concussion. Heck maybe that story he told me was for me to pass it on to you?
It's been about 4 years since my friend's dday... I can vision good things for you ats.

Just a quick update... I am doing well. I can feel myself coming out of the severe depression I have been in for about 2 years now... It feels good to dance again...

Peace.. ATS, allgood, Iwant, dip, Honest, nofun, M3.. and all I didn't mention.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:57 AM, October 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryn

Nice to hear from you.

I started to read your journal. I'm always interested in other people's stories esp those in R.

I think it is because I keep clinging to hope.

I only got as far back as the 18th of August 2009. Two things struck me as I read.

Firstly, you talking about being positive. Every day I look for something to be positive about in our relationship. I know that I'm too inlcined to think about the bad things. I so often find myself thinking "OH GOD - he did it for 16 yrs - more than half our married life" and I want to curl up on the floor and sob my heart out.

So when that happens I try to think of something good he said or did today. Most days there's something and then I get up and keep going.

When I saw the calendar page for Aug 09 my heart sank when I saw you had made an entry on the 18th. I was afraid it would be something sad.

You see Aug 18 is my birthday. Last year I decided to go and see my children on that day (300 kms away)- If I remmeber correctly at my H's suggestion. He couldn't go as he had to work that evening.

Sadly when I found out about his LTAs the phone records showed a 2 min call to OW3 early that morning - just after I left. I think you can guess the rest - I know I can!!!

So my birthday was a sad day for me this year BUT H took me to a lovely restaurant and for the first time in years gave me a card, some emerald earrings and a CD (instead of the chocolates which he has given me in the past and always ate himself!!!). So net birthday I will try to focus on his attention this year in the days leading up.

The other great thing is when I opened the entry and saw your lovely poem. Thanks so much for that. Again I found something good. He also recently brought me a bracelet with beads and little angels on it. On the back of each angel are the words "Made for an Angel"

I'm sure there are lots of positive messages for me in all this.

Have to go. He will be home from work soon and as we haven't seen each other in a few days (I've been visiting the children) I'm looking forward to some HB

THANK YOU

FOR EVERYONE ELSE

Had a good time with the kids. Haven;t been ab;e to check the VAR or GPS yet but feeling OK. Please God I hope he has behaved!!!

Love to all

Laura

Only 1 glass of merlot so hope not too many errors


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn- thanks for the advice. I do see your point. I guess my commitment to R is hanging by a thread as it is, so I take my H's response to my triggers as further evidence of his lack of his devotion & commitment to me.
To, me, he's showing it's still all about him. He shouldn't be reminded of his failures and I guess I should just keep all of my negative emotions to myself.
I know I will not feel good about him or us if I have to consistently be the bigger person or pretend to be fine when I'm not. That's just stupid. (I understand not mentioning every trigger, but that's not what's happening in my sitch at all. We just happened to have 2 back to back days like that this week.)

I made peace with him this morning. Even, then his response was pretty cold - just acknowleding that we will keep trying to work it out. I literally have no positive feelings for him at all right now. I just don't care. And, I'm close to done as far as making myself try to feel that way with him.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Tribe. I've been lurking all week but have not felt much like posting. I'm back down in the depths of the depression. On the advice of my IC/MC I went to my doc and am changing ADs. So the roller coaster of coming off of one but the new one has not yet kicked in has been miserable. Black, black, black....

I so often find myself thinking "OH GOD - he did it for 16 yrs - more than half our married life" and I want to curl up on the floor and sob my heart out.
Although my WH's A was "only" 4 years long, I can't seem to get over the fact that he lied to me for so long. He's trying so hard right now but I can't seem to get past that part and have ended up curled up on the floor several times this week. How do you get past that?

WH has canceled several trips to stay home as I'm having anxiety with him being gone so much. But sometimes when he's around I just want to start screaming at him.....I want him here so I know he's not cheating but I can't stand to be around him. Am I losing it? Anyone else feel this way?

Anyway...sorry for the rambling, just needed to blow off some steam this morning. Thanks for being here Tribe. (


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stongish: sorry you are having a tough time of it. Try to keep reminding yourself that this is temporary and that you will be feeling better, both immediately when the new meds kick in and in the long run, when you have had more time to process and make "sense" of all of this.

I want him here so I know he's not cheating but I can't stand to be around him.

I feel that way. I don't look forward to seeing him. I'm not really all that happy when I'm with him. But, I do feel a bit anxious and almost miss him when he's gone. I assume it's because I have no idea what he's doing when he's at work and in general it's because my feelings for him are more like attachment and not wanting to lose him more than they are loving him and wanting to spend time with him.
But, then again, my H is not doing everything right. He's doing the bare minimum, scratching the surface kind of stuff only.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... To get your M to a point you can feel good about it again takes some work...and courage. How are you going to achieve it? Faking it to him...with hopes these feelings will go away?? or somehow having the ablity to communicate your feelings to him in such a way he will want you to feel good. If you can get to that point, this will be point at which you might be able to accept and control your anger. So how is he going to learn what you need right now? He needs to reach down inside his soul and expelled it to you... Unless he has a freind that knows what a healthy relationship means and can teach him, what is he to do... so he fumbles along... much like my wife did for 11 months... You know where i am headed.. The big Retro... I am saying to you, I think this will be your only way out... your only way.

Or, take a risk on something new. Single for awhile... No doubt the new will bring you many great feelings because newness always does that... What you seek in life is out there... Go get it...

Laura28.. I just went back a read some of what I placed in my journal here.. Yep.. those angels are watching over you.. start looking at the birds...

Peace to all....

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:58 PM, October 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost my post twice, it suddenly disappeared!

Tryn: It's so good to see you again. I'm glad to hear that you are coming out of the depression. It's like a gray veil over our eyes that is starting to lift and we can see the vivid colors of life again. Please keep visiting us, we miss you!!

Allgood: Tryn has given you good advice (as usual). Your WH is right about something though. Focus on the fact that neither one of you is ready to give up. Try to put your trust in that if you can.
It is perfectly normal to have mixed feelings about WH. Don't try to force yourself to feel something you believe you "should" feel.
Try to focus on two things right now: how you guys will handle conflict, and your triggers. Those triggers will keep coming. It's not black or white that you have to deal with them all on your own. Some of them you can handle on your own, but there are some powerful ones that you will need help. I would suggest to ask him if when you are feeling those triggers, and he see you in pain, how does he feel? Does he want to help you, make it go away? Maybe just a real hug might help to show his support if he can't verbalize it? Don't bring specifics in this conversation.....just how you would deal with those triggers.

Laura: I have been there many times where I just curl up and cry. What has helped me is when I feel that, I stop what I'm doing and furiously journal for 5-10 minutes to calm down. I tell myself I'm giving myself that time and that's it. If I do need more time, I allow it.
There have been days that I would be doing something for a half hour, stop, journal and go on for only an another half hour, even 15 minutes and journal again. I know I did this once three days in a row almost journalling more than anything else, But what was good, is that I was able to keep some control doing this instead of running up under the covers.

{{{{Laura}}}

Had a good day yesterday. It's either feast or famine. There are weeks that go by and I don't hear from anyone IRL and then I have all these plans at the same time. This was good. These plans were with friends I have made, not through the marriage or the kids. People I really like, and I feel they like me too, not just because I'm a sister-in-law, or the wife of my H's friends KWIM?

I have to focus on this. Another nice thing for me is my neighbor that I've mentioned (the one who says such funny things) who has literally saved my life this year (along with all of you, and I'm not just speaking metaphorically) is a little down and I can help her by listening to her. I feel like I'm not just taking but can give back. It's a real friendship that I haven't had in a long time. I don't want to sound pathetic, it's just because of my lifestyle for the past 10 years with travelling that has prevented it (plus so many people have moved away!! Just luck, or fate or whatever...)

The rollercoaster is still going, but I think some days I'm strapped in tighter and the dips aren't as deep at times. There are still a lot of huge falls, but they are getting fewer, or I'm better prepared for them.

Love to all you. Thank you for everything.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a great thread called "Metaphorically speaking" in general.

It's funny, but there is so much truth in it, I really found it helpful in a way I cannot describe. Check it out.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Honest & Tryn. (Yes - Tryn it is always good to see you pop in once in a while. )

I'm not trying to debate these points with you. I tried last night to discuss things with him in a very calm, these are my FEELINGS kind of way, many times, to no avail. He is not only selfish, but immature. A lot of this is lost on him. Or, he just doesn't give a shit. (I mean I do believe he wants us to stay together, and will give me lip service to be the man I married, blah, blah, blah, but when it comes down to it, it has been spelled out to him like he's 3 years old and he still doesnt get it.)

So, that's that.
AGain, thank you for your insight. I really do appreciate it, but I can only control myself. I know the current approach is not going to work, but my H doesn't seem to be willing to get to the next level, so, I will stay for so long as this suits me. I really believes he will need to lose everything before he really gets it.
Anyway - got to go enjoy the sunshine!
Peace all.
(((Tribe)))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish...
Your reaction is very much like mine was. You have been traumatized by the betrayal. Everything that you thought was true about your husband and your life has been turned upside down...and the irony is the that the person that hurt you so terribly is the person that has to try to help you heal.
I had many of those days, nights, weeks etc. that you are describing.
Try to take care of yourself... going on meds, IC, MC.... I went to yoga..went for massages (who cares about the expense? think about the alternative...the expense of a divorce?)...
Stay busy...
One thing that has worked for me is doing alot of things with my husband...stuff that we had stopped doing for years...
we have been going to concerts, plays, movies, dinners out, museums,walks in the park, you name it... we have been going on trips, vacations, you name it.
Some of the trips early on were difficult, I would trigger at times, have meltdowns..but then we would wake up the next morning and try again...
overall,I think it was a really good move for me. All of these new memories will slowly replace all of the bad memories of the LTA...
But...and this is a big but...it takes time.

Right after d-day when we were seperated) my daughter told me that sh had shared what was going on with her friend from college..and guess what? this girl said that her parents had gone through the same thing (infidelity...but, I don't know if it was a ONS or an LTA etc.).And, the girl continued... it had taken her mother 5 yrs to get over it. But, the marriage had survived and they were reconciled.
I have read that it takes 2-5 yrs to get over it.
And, I really do think that is true.
This January will be 4 yrs since d-day for me and I am finally... seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The triggers do not happen as often, the sadness and grief is not as severe, the sad mood does not last as long, I bounce back quicker and I do have much more kind, loving, and forgiving feelings for my husband.
Heck, i'm even beginning to understand why he reacts the way he does now to my triggers and LTA talks...
so..progress. There is hope.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it hasn't been this quiet in here in a long time. I hope it's because everyone is out and having a good day.

Not having a great day, the reality of my sitch is really hitting me and I can no longer bury my head in the sand. I was checking the online cell phone statement, and WH called OW every single day with several phone calls, every day....some lasting up to an hour. All the other days, it would a half hour PLUS 20 minutes here and there.

It just hurts so much. How can he pretend like he does?? How can it seem all is fine with us, we get along, he's charming and sweet and says he loves me etc etc.

His actions say the opposite.

I thought I could just stay like this for a while until I get the ducks in a row...I have to really do a form or 180. I haven't answered his calls.....

Just hurts.

I'm ready for the 2x4's

Why is she so much better than me? It's not a fantasy for WH. They are living a full married life with kids. I feel those OC's and OW are better than me and our DS's.

It's so hard to get away from this feeling.

Sorry guys. I do have another dilemma that I want to post later, but I promised DS 12 I'd take him to the movies.

I feel so alone and lonely....it's been much too long.

What's wrong with me???


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest...
sending you hugs!
You do deserve so much more from life. You do deserve better.
Your husband has moved on with the OW and his OC.
And , yet he wants you to still be his friend.. to understand this bizarre arrangement.. forget it!
It's impossible to live like this and not be totally devastated...
No wonder you are feeling so hurt...
I like your plan to do the 180...why talk to him if it breaks your heart...
and as for moving forward with the divorce..do you have friends that can advise you

It is time for you to move forward and try to find the happiness that you deserve!

[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:21 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

Why is she so much better than me?

No 2x4s, just a gentle reminder that she is NOT better than you, she's just willing to put up with his crap and you are not, and rightfully so.

I'm sure, when he was overseas, if she had the wherewithall to check the phone records there, she would have seen him staying in daily contact with you, as well.

You are right, in your case, it wasn't a fantasy, unless OW's raising is such that she makes married life a fantasy by not asserting any rights, etc.

But, all of this is besides the point. Your husband is the King of all Cake Eaters. I'm sure he did/does love you, but he wants what he wants and I guess he's hanging his hat on his raising for the proposition that it's ok. (even tho most of the population says otherwise.)

I have to go too. I'll check back later.
Hang in there.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((honest)))))

no 2 x 4's my friend, just hugs, lots of hugs...

and keep telling yourself that it really has nothing to do with you, because it doesn't...he is not fully committed to either one of you.....she is not any better or any worse...she just "is"....NO ONE WOMAN WILL EVER BE ENOUGH FOR MEN LIKE HIM...he needs as much ego stroking as he could find....he will never be done....but thank god someday you will be done...

and it just sucks, but you need to go through it...the operative word is through it to the other side....you need to feel so that you can heal it....

i hope its movie that is light and helps you forget even if its just a for few moments here and there..


(((honest)))


tryn: its good to "see" you and even better to hear that you are indeed finding your rainbow


(((strong)))) you get past this shit one day at a time, sometimes its a minute at a time....


(((allgood))) i wish i had some words that i could give you, i still feel a sense of hope for you and your marriage, even though he is still not doing everything he could above and beyone, he is still doing...and i think he is doing the best he knows how...and that is where you both i believe need to learn....you both need to learn how to communicate with each other in productive ways....you both are always on guard, guarding the feelings that are being hurt anyways...guarding the heart from being crushed...but all the guarding in the world will not prevent that....i hope you are seriously looking into ic and mc for BOTH of you to deal with this...this is your own personal 9/11 and the trauma sometimes seems to never pass....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{honest}}} wish I had some advice but I think you already have it from others here. 180... 180... 180... it's for your benefit.

{{{Allgood}}} So sorry to hear of your crappy day, a spillover from Thursday. Sadly, I've btdt more times than I can count but it's much less these days.

Fridays have been good for me as that's the day I look after my gs. Also my H has been off most Friday's since June and we've done things together. Gs has helped immensely for our bonding again as we both love our time with him. As NJgal said

One thing that has worked for me is doing alot of things with my husband...
It was a beautiful day and we took gs to our city park and walked through the gardens. The zoo was closing shortly so we'll try to go earlier next week.

Wed. night we went to dinner and a show by former cast of Broadway Jersey Boys. It was a good evg... yummy meal and terrific music despite some of the songs affect on me. 60's love songs still give me cause to tear up and wonder why he chose the EA after 30 yrs of marriage. He doesn't show any sign of being bothered by these. Does he only hear the melodies... with no memory of the feelings, plans & dreams we had then?
Do guys not hear the words or just ignore this part? maybe one of our LTA fellows can tell me... Handling triggers seems to be a topic this wkend. I have no answer. In fact I did a lot of dreaming and talking in my sleep last night. He tells me he put his arm around me and I calmed down. I have no memory of this, only vivid ones of the strange events in my dreams. Lately I seem to be 'ok' during my waking hours - subconscious not so much I guess.

Dealing with clearing out my sis-i-l's belongings and house along with her H's things has given me much time to think of life being short and the need to move forward. Some background: my b-i-l's accidental(?) death 3 mos after Dday in '07 pushed our situation to the back burner for at least a year. Her grief monopolized all family events. I put on my 'life goes on' face as FWH didn't want anyone to know of his A. 2 of our 3 children now know but that's another story.
Then s-i-l's cancer flared requiring treatments which FWH took on as his duty to accompany her and keep secret from m-i-l at his sister's request. About the same time, I did go to a few IC sessions and he joined me 2 or 3 times but these ended last Nov. as s-i-l's cancer metasticized; she needed more care, asked 86 yr old m-i-l to move in with her and refused palliative services that were needed. This situation took precedence over any thing else in our life. I did my best to be supportive without showing my own feelings of being put at the bottom of his priority list again. Her passing in Feb. added to this as being executor to her estate involved many hours of his time.
Not bringing up A-related subjects & feelings for the better part of a year now has I think resulted in his feeling that reconciliation is successful. I'm trying to change my attitude about a lot of things including the A, but have to admit it's a really difficult process and I should probably resume IC but haven't as yet. For now, books and SI are my therapy... As our wise Miracle says:

you get past this shit one day at a time, sometimes it's a minute at a time...
"One day at a time" has been my motto long before the A as it's how I've tried to deal with my health situation the last 20+ yrs. I've faltered recently and struggle to take better care of myself in the face of my tasks involving s-i-l's estate. But I am trying to get back to things that are for me - that make me happy - very slowly, bit by bit.

Btw, thanks to lovin and brooke for their return and hurtshirley too.
UKg... you are on my mind often lately. Your pm's helped me so much in my early days here I wish I could help you with more than thoughts and prayers.
Ats: keep strong as you face the coming days of legalities & whatever else is involved with looking after DS and your own wellbeing.

This has become quite lengthy so I'll stop now with hugs to all rather than try to list more names. I do read daily and lend support whether I post or not. This tribe is my lifeline more than you know.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, WH doesn't call me every day and when he does the phone call is usually only 5-10 minutes long. He gives excuses that it's because I'm always upset or angry, yadda, yadda, yadda. I heard all they do is argue, so why does he have to call like that? I shouldn't even be thinking about that.

Njgal, you are absoluely right, I have to accept that WH has moved on. I'm sure he thinks he's such a hero. I'm sure he tells himself,"Look how good I am!! I didn't abandon honest and the ds's! I still give them some of my time and attention!! I have my own life and I still care about them! I don't want to hurt honest too much, so I tell her I still love her."

Miracle, You are right, I have to move through this. I'm just so tired and lonely and feel so weak. I've lost my strength.


DS30 came over today with his gf. He and she had Thanksgiving at his house last year with me and DS's, Mom, and gf's family. DS says he will have Thanksgiving at his house again this year, BUT he's invited xWH and his wife and HER mother. I don't have a problem with the wife, she's a great lady who had NOTHING to do with xWH and me. He met her years after we D and she's a real "lady" and a good person.

WH had said something about being home for Thanksgiving (he wasn't here last year) DS 30 says that WH wouldn't want to come anyway, and he's right. I know WH doesn't want to be there with xWH.

The problem is that DS 12 and 15 would want to spend it with their father. I feel so split.

I also feel DS 30 is putting his father's feelings over mine, and that hurts.

Divorce's repercussions last forever when you have kids together.

DS says xWH feels uncomfortable about this, the wife is fine, and I'm a little uncomfortable. LOL, I wouldn't mind spending it with his wife without him!!

I didn't get a chance to talk to DS 30 about this because DS 12 was in the room.

I just don't need this now. It's just all a reminder of how the 2 men that I loved with all my heart betrayed me and left me.

I just feel shattered today.


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