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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats)))

i like that she called "you"...even though you haven't heard back, she reached out to "you"....from what i can gather from your posts, she never would have done this in the past...at least i hope i got that part right....

ukgirl: i am glad that you did post here when you got that horrid feeling....what i would love for you is more along the lines of those horrid feeling lessening....and i love mr uk's response btw and he's right....it is just geography....

almost everymorn i check the weather channel, and almost every morn the towns or cities that are posted are the ones that pfm travelled out of his too for his shit...so i get to see these towns/cities just about everyday.....and i finally am starting to see that it really is just geography, especially surmising that he would have gone to any god forsaken places to get what he wanted...they are just places and thereby hold no special power...whether or not he looks at these places with fond memories...does not matter...if he decides to give thought over to these op's....that is his perrogative...just at is now mine to dismiss them....i refuse to let pfm, his ow and all that transpired between them have so damned much power over me....i will tell you that this is a work in progress, but it is in progress....and one day i hope to be free from it all...tis my goal


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a lot of time but I had to send some support to ATS - I know this is a tough time just trying to get through this weekend but I do believe from your posts that your W is finally understanding what it is you need and not only is she willing to give you that, but she is coming to the realization that it is you, and has always been you, that she truly loves.
Keep the faith Ats, keep the faith.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After calling at 2:30, she was too busy to return a call or text until 8:15. It sounded like half truths and blaming me for not appreciating she is doing the best she can. I guess she is.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I didn't want to say anything earlier (because I didn't want to make the waiting any worse & because no one else seemed to be thinking along the same lines as me, so I thought I was just wrong), but I think it's terrible that she went AWOL for 2.5 hours given the circumstances. THat she didn't return your calls until recently is completely unacceptable. It's one thing to not think of your spouse (which sucks), it's another to fail to return a call (that super sucks).

My H too.
He was slated to work until 3:30, come home, then go back for OT. Half way thru the day today he texts me if I would get mad or think he had other plans if he took an arrest, so that he would keep working right through the 2 shifts, or close to it. I said it was ok, but, the whole thing stunk to me. He decides to do this when he's already there & asks me via text? He knows it's a major trigger for me when he does these things because between the 2 shifts there is just too much unaccounted for time for him - right in OW neighborhood. So, he does a good job staying in touch with me thru 7pm. 7pm-9pm: nothing. And, quite frankly, I was too busy with the kids that I didn't think to call, text, etc. So, I call him at 9:15 & ask him what he's been doing, etc. Said he was watching the game - I asked who won & what the score was. He said he stopped watching in the 7th inning & the score at that time was 7-2. (Which I checked and the Sox didn't hit 7 til the 9th inning.)
So, now, I'm pissed that he went AWOL for 2 hours like that too! If I was him I would've texted me a few times something nice to show me he's thinking of me.

Ats: they just don't get it.
Now, can you live with that?
For me, I am surprised at how calm I am. It's very comforting. I don't know what my H did for those 2 hours. I don't know if he's still in touch with OW.
I'm becoming more & more comfortable with taking this day by day, with no expectations, no timeline (except for my long term plan, of course. Lol). And, I just hope & pray to God, that he helps me discover any further infidelity.

So - what do you think Ats? What were the half truths?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:31 PM, September 25th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats)))

did she say why she called you earlier...??


(((allgood)))
you are remarkable calm....too calm....methinks that there is much a stirring.....

and where was he watching the game from....?

and i think you need to tell him that his story doesn't check out....

and why would he ask you if he could make an arrest, isn't that something that happens and has to be dealt with or was it one of those sich at the end of a shift where they can pretend not to see something...


pfm told me a lie a couple of days ago, a benign lie as far as infidelity goes, i don't go there anymore, this one was about his foo....it was such a stupid lie for no reason...he claims memory lapse...such a convenient memory he has....remarkable though i am little angry, but not over the top angry...more like annoyed...i am detaching, god bless america i am detaching...yay...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did she say why she called you earlier...??

no, she said that she had gone out to the car and was expected back in.

She could not call because people were always areound. Apparently she cannot call and say "dinner went well, thinking of you" in fronnt of others.

My folks are concerned. I am pissed. She is doing who knows what tonight. I do not think she is having sex with anyone, but going out for drinks with bil and others, likely.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ats))

Miracle: in response to your questions, they have partners - he doesn't have to take the arrest, his partner could. They have a lounge like area where they have a tv.
And, as far as me being calm - what does the interrogation, etc get me, exactly? I can't prove anything. I'm on alert, but then again, I was never (post DDay) not alert. Like I've been telling you all, I just don't have that "in love" feeling. I am thinking more and more that it is that I love him, I 'm attached to him, I don't want to lose him (especially not to HER), but is he my reason for living? Hardly. Am I relying that this is "it". He'll never do it again, I'm his world, etc.? No.
Hopefully tolerant. .That's it. (Dip likes that one. )
Night all - I am exhausted! When I don't have little kids anymore, I think I will volunteer to do some snooping for people here on SI - dam that would be great - but I highly doubt anyone wants to go snooping around after a cop and OW/ cop. Sounds like a nightmare.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nite allgood


ats: i don't get it though, it sounds almost cryptic...and for calling you in front of people...who knows...we know she is not exactly all together in the thinking dept...kwim...she is definitely in the avoidance dept though....and hiding...she seems to hide...all from fear....

she is surrounded by people who hurt her, she is surorunded by people who helped mess her up....not exactly an ideal sich...i hate that she went....was hoping that she would see the error in this...i am sorry ats..


(((ats)))

you will get through this...maybe a little worse for wear, but you will get through it..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her familycomes first. Her dd, her sister, her mother. She talked differently this last week, but actions speak louder. Allgood posed the question, what am I willing to tolerate? She said she would tell her sister about her and bil, I will see. She says I am her family, but she is out with them and avoiding me. She says that she is different.

DS got a ride home, so I took a xanax and feel calm. Ball is in her court. She had a chance to step up this weekend. From my perspective nothing has changed. She texted me an hour or so ago to tell me I am wrong.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is not staying with her parents as she said for the last two weeks.She is at the hotel for the night with everyone else. She was not going to tell me.

I told her this trip could be the dealbreaker, and she has again put my needs last.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a series of calls and texts with FWW. She called to tell me she did not find out about staying at hotel till noon today, and wanted to wait and tell me tomorrow in person. Older stepdaughter got on phone and said I am a piece of shit and she hates me.

FWW texted not to bother picking her up at the airport tomorrow.

Younger stepdaughter called me to tell me I need to leave FWW. I made her cry at an event that cost thousands of dollars. I need to get over it or leave her. She called to tell me she is tired of being dragged into issues between FWW and I.

ETA
next text

I ruined her trip. She does not trust me. She is afraid I will harm her and break her things,I am one more person who has abused her.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:02 AM, September 26th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats...
this whole trip situation sounds horrible.
It sounded fishy from the get go.
I'm sorry but my rules post d-day was that everything had to change... everything.
All the rules were changed.
He had his chance to do things his way and where did it get us? It culminated in a 5 yr LTA!
So post d-day... I demand complete transparency and complete access to everything.
Our spouses betrayed us in the worst ways! For many people a LTA is a dealbreaker plain and simple.
We are giving our spouses a gift by trying to reconcile.
Your wife is not appreciating that fact at all!
From the beginning..when I heard about this trip... the creepy BIL.. the sexting.. the weird family dynamics..it just smelled fishy and very toxic...
She should NOT have gone... everyone would have survived this event without her...
Her marriage should always come first.
and..if it really were so important then..money or no money.. you should have gone with her!
Leaving you at home to 'imagine' what she is doing and who she is with is cruel.
And, I totally do NOT understand the dynamics of the relatives calling you and criticizing you etc.
I guess I missed some posts where you explained this toxic behavior ?
It all sounds awful.
Nothing about this trip sounds like a remorseful spouse that is trying to save her marriage.
Sorry, I'm being so blunt...but, it angers me to see you being disrespected and hurt in such a way.
You have made every effort in reconciling with her...
I am so sorry that you are going through this crap.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 11:16 AM, September 26th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ats))

I am just so pissed at her!

Before you go over the edge, tho, consider the following:

1. It will take a very long, long time for your W to be the person you want her to be. And, this setting was very difficult for her as well, I imagine. I totally get, given your W's avoidance history, her waiting to tell you about the hotel. I do get that. I guess that explains the 1/2 truths & avoiding calling you at the event, etc.

2. Disregard the statements made by your stepdaughter - many kids are damn selfish & shoot off their mouth before thinking. Let your wife do the talking, not your stepdaughter. I wouldn't even talk to the stepdaughter at this point about this event - there is no way she understands the sitch.

O, Ats...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up this morning and it feels like it was a bad dream. I am going out to by a VAR. I am worried about her manufacturering an event and calling the police. I offered to get her a motel room, she turned it down. I am moving out to a hotel tonight. When FWW gets home, I will not be here, my folks are staying in town an extra day to help ensure DS14 is not "abandoned" even though he spends hours alone under normal circumstances. I will see the attorney tomorrow to start the paperwork.

I am very nervous of FWW manufacturering some complaint. With her talk of fearing me and adding me to her list of abusers I think she is setting the stage for something. After a few days I suspect she will return to her normal, but I do not want to be here when she gets home and have her provoke me or create something.

Late last night she texted that she bet I was happy and proud at having the power and control from so far away to affect so many of them there. Again, I ruined the weekend, it was tramattic and fucked up.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:46 AM, September 26th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - Ats - I guess a lot happened last night? You left a lot out -which is fine, of course - but it's hard to follow. How does she think you ruined the event - I assume this is just because you said something to her about not returning calls for so long? Or, was there more to it.
At any point in this conversation was she sober?

I know she's made these threats before, did she repeat them again last night?

I trust your judgment - I'm just trying to follow along - and I think spending the night elsewhere is a good idea. (BTW - don't know if she's the vindictive type - but I might take the opportunity to relocate anything that is important to you - passport, birth certificate, things that you have an emotional attachment to, such as photos or jewelry. She probably wont notice them gone & I have to say this type of stuff tends to disappear when 1 spouse is either really pissed off or otherwise unhinged.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a lot that passed back and forth last night. About 2:30pm she called to tell me she needed to talk, and then said she had to go back to the party. I left a couple of texts and a voice mail checking in on her. I did not get a call back until a voicemail at 8:30 pm. In the voice mail she said she had been busy, it was an awkward day, but OK. After she thought she hung up, I heard her saying to someone about how her uncle had touched her back.

I called her back to talk and she said that she ahd been too busy running back and forth, going shopping, and withthe party to call me (as she had said she would). I asked why she needed time alone to just text me or call and update me. I found out she was not staying at her folks as she had told me was her intention, but was staying at hotel where bil and uncle were staying. She said she wanted to vvisit with her girls, she was going to tell me about the plan change when she got home. I said something like, yet another lie and hung up.

There was a lot thata went back and forth. I asked her why she told me she had no contact with her uncle when I heard her say he had touched her. I asked where bill was during all of this as she did not mention him despite telling me she wass with her sister and neice most of the day.

I ruined the event by pointing out that she was spending time with family, and that I am not family. She agreed. I told her I was angry she had again chosen to hide the truth from me. She was crying, this is when her DD started in on me.

I ruined the event because people did not have a good time due to all the secreats and history, and they need to blame someone. It could not be them, so it must have been me from 1,000 miles away. This is true to the pattern in our M. I ruined the event because when FWW did not call as she said she would, changed plans on where she told me she was stayin and did not tell me, I did not say that I OK, I understand. Instead I asked and pressed on why she could not find time to call her husband and why she did not tell me of staying at the hotel until 8 hours later when I asked.

She is again fighting with the ghosts of her past. I have never harmed her or broken her things. That was her mother and her xH, yet she is now afraid of me. I am on her list of people who have abused her, why couldn't I just want to make her happy.

She was with her family doing what they wanted, she said as much last night. I am not her family, and my DS are somewhere between family and me. She sees her DD, sister, and parents as her family. Through this I clearly see that she does not feel love for me, does not understand what a loving relationship is, and is a needy, damaged, sad woman.

Like a few weeks ago when she said D and then recanted, I am feeling calm (numb?). It is going to suck, I feel sorry for DS14, I suspect FWW and I's relationship will get much worse in the shortterm. But in the end I will be over things much quicker than if I stay for this demented carnival ride that hass been my M.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, ats. You're right, this is a horribly demented ride that you're on. I have nothing to add, except I'm praying for peace for you.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - I am so sorry that this is happening. Your W is going to live to regret her behavior toward you this weekend.
I guess I missed something last night when I posted because I thought she was doing well but your recent posts have indicated that she is deep in her family's messed up thinking and being overly influenced by them.
This truly is tragic for all of you.
I am so glad that your parents have been with you this weekend. To have had their support had to be a tremendous help although you must have been concerned for them too.
I honestly don't understand why your W keeps telling you that you and your sons are not her family. I would make a copy of the bible verse that says a man should leave his mother and a woman leave her home (not exactly sure but you know the one) and the two shall be as one and leave that for her.
A long time ago in C'ing I kept talking about my family (my FOO family) and finally my C asked me, Who is your family?? It was at that moment that I realized how I was still very attached to them and immediately was grateful to her for pointing this out. From that moment on MY FAMILY has been my H and my children emotionally, and intellectually. It can be a tough concept to grasp especially when the FOO is a toxic one and still maintains a great deal of power over a spouse. Until your W is ready to admit their power over her I'm afraid you will have to deal with situations like this weekend. I agree with everything NJgal said in her post.
We are here so keep venting.
((((ATS))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh.
Your R has really had some highs that have lasted quite a while that are then interrupted by sharp drops.

I wonder when the insanity of this weekend ends and she recants, apologizes, etc. what your response will be.

What do you think?

(By the way - not trying to be mean - this happens to all of us - I find it helpful to think about this kind of stuff before it happens. Then, when it happens I feel better prepared.)

O, Ats...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In an ideal world she would call or text this morning before getting on the plane to say she is sorry for last night, and she wants us to work out (as I texted to her last night) and she wants me to pick her up and us to talk when she gets herre. I do not expect this. If I do not hear by the time she gets on the plane I will check in to the hotel.

Allgood, I am getting to the position that we can re-marry after a D if she ever works her stuff out. I do not see this happening. When we D I suspect she will retreat into the person she has always been and be bitter towards me the rest of our lives.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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