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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

except that he made a "mistake." He admitted it so why do I keep harping on it.........He made this mess and now he expects me to tell him how to get out of it………..No effort to do anything on his own without being told to do it. Hmmmm, sound a little passive to anyone?
Certainly sound familiar. I felt that he had had enough and expected me to sort out his mess. I’d always come up with the solution before in a crisis, a path through the chaos, a soother and problem solver for any situation. But this load of shit was too much. He dumped it in my lap and I didn’t want to deal with it. But the problem was that HE didn’t want to deal with it either! So it trailed on and on. And on. I said many times that I felt I was out on the stage and he was sitting in the wings waiting for me to finish my drama. It wasn’t my drama! It was his fucking crock of shit! I think he never really “owned” it. Just waited for me to get over it. His passivity in this respect has made me turn against him. Where is the man I married? Or thought I married? I really think you need to tell your FWH to get pro-active in reconciliation or he may lose you. And, btw, I have the same problem of a travelling spouse. It just became another excuse for him to not be pro-active.

Nofun

And I think what bothers me most is that OW was so ugly. Was I that bad that he would stoop that low?
Honey, they always affair down (read that thread?). No, you were not that bad. It’s because you were “up there” they traded down because it was easy, no effort required, a dead cert. OW was happy to “trade up”, except she didn’t because he had no intention of following through to stay with her. Ever. All part of the mirroring. While she held up the mirror, he could see the man he fantasised about reflected back. But…..Guess what? That’s not reality. Look past the mirror and you see the lesser and not so nice man. So it carries on because they can still see that reflection, even as it becomes misty and faded. Someone is there to stroke their ego and make them feel good. For a while. And as time goes on, the feeling gets shorter and shorter until in the end, they don’t really want to be there – it’s a habit, an addiction, a hope that they might (once in a while) get the “first fix” high. It was not about you. Remember that.

Next -- getting rid of XHSGF FB friend.
Tomorrow. This should NOT be an issue!!!!!!

.I DIDNT TRIGGER....it didn't bring in that raw pain that you get in your heart, the one that makes you feel angry, hurt and sad all at the same time....so yay me....
Yay you!

Hi Soggygranola and welcome. Just one phrase mentioned to me a very long time ago by some wise one in this thread: Long Term Affair = Long Term Recovery. Breathe easy. The coaster ride is longer for the LTA’ers. Stay positive and stay strong. Just like any other affair, it was not about you. Hugs hon.

I'm back to see to the IL's.

Triggering like mad because my brother has found more family history around MOW's tiny, TINY village. Aaaarrgghh!! The whole fucking country and she has to be in the fucking middle of it!!! Kinda makes me feel it ain't over......weird coincidences. Ugh.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crap. A bad afternoon with "little thigs", a tire problem in the rain, running late, and suddenly I am thinking about her and them. How could she do that. crap


sigh


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pondering part of dip's post:
All WSs want the A to just go away. They just do not understand how much their A has impacted and changed us BSs.

True. But one can hope that they would understand the way their As have impacted THEMSELVES, their RELATIONSHIPS with others, their future ACTIONS. That's what drives me batty. The fact that my WH can't see the depth of how this changes everything about himself and how he needs to deal with everyone and everything from here on out. He wants to stick his fingers in his ears and shut his eyes tight and make it go away. It's there, it's big, and it won't be ignored.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats...
I just got that book: How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
The first few pages that I've read are really good at describing the typical male's difficulty with talking about the relationship...
Now...all you newbies on LTA... this is NOT what you need at this point!
You as the BS need to talk and talk and talk until you can make sense out of this mess!
I am over 3 and 1/2 yrs post d-day... so...we've had years of talking...or more accurately years of me trying to get him to talk about the LTA!
Some good books for the newbies: Not Just Friends by Glass, and Transcending Poist Infidelity Stress Disorder by Ortman...
How Can I Forgive You by Spring...
If you are like me you have been traumatized by the betrayal... and may suffer PTSD type symptoms for a long time... the triggers, the downward spirals, the fight or flight reaction...
and, hopefully your IC and MC understands the PTSD type symptoms that many BS exhibit and knows how to treat them!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why is it everytime I write a long post it disappears...grrrrr

ukgirl - my H certainly affaired down. Yes, I did read that post and as long as I have breath I will never let him forget that he affaired DOWN!

And why would OW spend all those years waiting around and getting nothing but crumbs? I certainly wouldn't have put up with that. My mom used to tell my sister and I to stay clear of married men because why would you settle for pearls when you could have diamonds? So I live by that and I end up with worse than pearls...I end up with shit....FWH is a piece of shit.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Soggygranola
♀ New Member
Member # 26252
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I hope I don't sound like a complete dope, but how exactly does one figure out WHO they are so they can be the best they can be?

With my CSA I was already adapting myself to be what they either wanted me to be (using my sexuality to get the treats and special treatment I craved) or what they didn't want me to be (to avoid being touched and messed with).
I have always considered myself someone who could go with the flow of others. I adapt to their wants and desires. It doesn't usually hurt me and I get to experience a bunch of different things that way.
I have spent most of my adult life bending and breaking at times to the will and wants of my partners, family, friends.
From soup to nuts, I have NO damn idea WHO I *really* am or what *I* really want because it's always been whatever everybody else wanted. I have never had a true "self". Ever. I don't know what thoughts or ideas that I have that are truly MINE.
I guess I could relate it to someone who's been raised in a cult. They had no identity other than that which was given to them. If they leave the cult, they are wayward and without direction because they don't know HOW.
I'm not a stupid person which is why I'm so embarrassed by this, but the worst question people can ask me is "what do YOU want?". I feel like an ass when I honestly say "I don't know!".
Psyche today added Ativan to my regime. He says my persistant eye twitch is the result of stress and lack of sleep. I feel like my very carefully orchestrated self-control and composure is falling apart. He sees it. He was waiting for it to happen. For the second time in the almost year I've been seeing him, I cried. He knew something was wrong then. I never ask for help. Ever. I never will. If I ever show a sign of weakness, I'm feeling desperate. When he asked me if I had any thoughts of suicide, I knew he was worried.
He told me I was "stunning". Not just on the outside, but on the inside. I'm not used to taking compliments and if I'm so great, why does such shitty stuff happen to me? I don't know the first step in figuring out who *I* am!! Feel free to point me in the right direction!!


Me 37
Him 37
Married 10 years
He's cheated with the same OW for 7 years
D-Day 11-13-09 (a real hum-dinger of a Friday the 13th)
D-14, D-12, D-8, S-7, D-5
He's out! I feel renewed!!
He was served NYE!! Just waiting for a date!!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
SimoneDB
♀ Member
Member # 27209
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

psndhart - I'm so sorry that your WS has put you through this unecessary pain. But in an odd way, your he has made it just a little easier for you. You don't have to wonder about the possibility of reconciliation or whether you can ever trust him again. The answer is a simple no. Please talk to a good lawyer and make your arrangements before you discuss any of this with your WS. He can't be trusted.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I missed something about psandhart


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soggygranola,
Here's a tool I found online that helped me to start to figure "me" out. A few years ago I was lost and looking for direction. I turned to introspection and have a much clearer, stronger view of me and my own needs now. It does take time and a lot of digging around in one's head, heart and soul, though.

Good luck! Hugs.

http://coachingjourneys.com/pdf/truvalues.pdf


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so weird -- I told my story to a total stranger at Starbucks. I really am crazy and I said to hear that this conversation was crazy and she said "God puts people together for a reason." Which is what *I* always say . . . I felt like I'd known this woman forever, but she just moved here like last week... and somehow she had the most helpful perspective and advice.

Turns out I helped her hugely too. She got a speeding ticket and I had to tell her than in our state 25 mph over the limit is 5 days in jail and she'd better take it seriously -- so I told her what to do and also that if it didn't work she could request a continuance and hire a lawyer. She says it was her first ticket ever at 42.

Such a weird morning.

An I just an emotional slut?!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

running again, but wanted to extend a welcome to soggygranola....you have gotten some really good advice here....

and simone, welcome to you too...

m3:

An I just an emotional slut?!

this cracked me up....if you are one, so am i...

its amazing though how we can meet someone irl and feel a connection or feel "safe" with...

and yes i believe all people come into your life for a reason...

aside from my kids i am still trying to figure out the reason for pfm...

and then there are others who the only reason they are there is show you just how fortunate you are that they are not in your life permamently...of course the flip side of this one is the ones who are..



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hit enter too many times and was blind as to where the little arrow was...it was supposed to be on the

so

bad me..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:50 PM, September 24th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OOPS! a def oops...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:50 PM, September 24th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW is off and flying to her parents for the anniversary weekend. tonight she shys only her DD will be there and they will hang out together in hotel. Tomorrow is the day of the party, everyone else will arrive. She says she will not be in any photos with bil or uncle. Tomorrow night she will stay with her parents, everyone else will be at the hotel.

When I dropped her at the airport, she kissed me like I used to kiss her when she left. I thought of all the times I dropped her at the airport, kissed her goodbye, and she walked in to travel with OM. I know that is not the case today, but that is what I was thinking. Thinking it enough I almost went to go park and then walk into the terminal to check.

Last night she alternated between clingy and distant. She has said she loves me a lot lately. She talked about marriages not surviving A's. I talked about new numbers I am seeing indicate 75% of M with infidelity result in a D, more when it is the wife who cheats. I told her that if I were more of a man I am sure we would be D now too.

This morning she told me she is hugging me, holding me in bed, and being close for her, she needs it, not for me. When she now does these things I remember when I was the one wanting to snuggle, hug or hold her she would say it was too hot, I hugged too hard, my breath was bad, she hadn't showered, etc. etc. She said the talk about A's and D frightened her last night.

A year ago yesterday FWW met OM#3 to go to a local hotel for sex for the last time. A year ago today she flew out to visit her DD. A year ago tomorrow she and bil sex-texted for the last time. I found those texts still on her phone when she returned home a few days later from visiting her DD. The 28th is the day I found the message from OM#3 saying he missed her and wished she was with him, signed xoxoxo She denied it all until 10/5 when I repeated the text messages with her bil back to her word for word.

So, enough moping. My folks are coming into stay this evening. We will go see DS march at the game. Tomorrow hopes to be a take them out on the boat day. I also hope to get my dad to help me assemble the talking skull and other new props I got FWW for Halloween this year.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ats))))

you will get through this...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats

When I dropped her at the airport, she kissed me like I used to kiss her when she left. I thought of all the times I dropped her at the airport, kissed her goodbye, and she walked in to travel with OM. I know that is not the case today, but that is what I was thinking. Thinking it enough I almost went to go park and then walk into the terminal to check.

This must be so hard for you. Know that we are all thinking of you this weekend.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just a little written reflection. Trying to sort out what I think of last couple of days.

Last night H opened up a litle more. With some gentle coaxing got him to talk a little more. Throughout the conversation there were lots of "I don't remembers" and "It didn't happen that much" and "I just stopped in for half an hour and we talked - didn't even have sex:" and "I was just lonely' and "I didn't see her that often".

I'm starting to wonder if

a) They didn't really mean much to him. He was just getting what he wanted from the relationships even though he said he "really liked them" and told OW3 repeatedly that he loved her. Heard on my VAR

OR

b) He is minimising for my benefit

OR

c) He is minimising to allay his guilt!!!

He told me again that he has had NC and that he doesn't want contact. He also said that he avoids them at work as much as possible.

He also repeated that he will never, ever do it again.

I suppose it shouldn'treally matter much to me if it is a,b or c. The main thing is he is remorseful.?????

One thing he said which did bother me. He said "I know I've done a terrible thing to you and it will take you weeks or months to forget it" I told him it will be YEARS before I "get better" and I will never forget!!!!

I also told him that I struggle every day to enjoy things that I used to love and that what he has done has taken so much joy from my life. He said again that he is sorry and will do all he can to make me happy. Why isn't this enough for me???

I think in his minimising he is still not understanding the full impact. ie because it doesn't mean that much to him he doesn't really understand how much it means to me. Maybe he does in his head but not in his heart.

I think this may be why when I get upset he wants to know what he's done (like in the last 5 mins) to upset me. When I tell him its just everything he says things like "But I thought you were getting better!"

During our talks he says things like "I was so stupid", "I didn't think", "I wish I hadn't done it". Is this more minimising? I keep asking "but what did you think would happen if I found out?" and he says he didn't think about it. Maybe he thought because I was so trusting he'd lie his way out. Who knows???

God I wish I knew what was really in his heart!!!!!

Have a good day/evening/night all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I dropped her at the airport, she kissed me like I used to kiss her when she left.
Hugs Ats. We all know the feeling. It pulls at your guts. ((((((Ats)))))
You'll get through it.
I told her that if I were more of a man I am sure we would be D now too.
Not the case Ats. Being "more of a man" has fuck all to do with it. If I was "more of a woman" I should have D'd my WH. The fact was I was NOT going to let that bitch have a chance. My pride, I guess. At least on the surface. You make it sound like being "more of a man" means you should have slapped her about a bit.........totally not the case.

But you are right. Generally, if the wife cheats, the man is more likely to divorce. I think the more personally grounded and self assured the man is, the more likely he is to give it a try.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An I just an emotional slut?!

LOL – me too!!

and yes i believe all people come into your life for a reason...

On a more serious note……what do you make of MOW being so involved in my life? It’s weird.
Quick synopsis: To-be-H meets to-be-MOW/ex-fiancee at school. They have their moment lasting 4 yrs. They split, to-be-H meets me.
Some yrs later, H takes job (we move) where MOW was raised as a young girl and where her sibling is buried and at the same company where MOW’s dad was FD
H and I (no memory for me) bump into MOW’s mother in a well known store. We have three kids in tow.
MOW and I follow same educational route.
MOW’s father and mine have similar qualifications
MOW’s BH and WH have similar jobs – they could be interchangeable
I get asked to do the family tree – my mother’s side (so much easier me being up here and so close….) is from …..WHERE MOW LIVES!!! And, one of the places I should go to look up the records is….where she fucking works!! WTF do I make of this?? I even have records of family in her village which has four streets, one pub, one church and absolutely fuck all else. JFC (sorry). I feel I’ve been tipped in hot tar, feathered and tied to a post. I feel I carry a label or something. I cannot tell my brother. I can’t.

So why the FUCK is she in my life???? I want her to fuck off and be gone. There are too many coincidences and there are so many places she could have been that I have no connection with. Like Birmingham. Or Carlisle. Or Bristol. Or Salisbury. Or Liverpool. Any-fucking-where but where it is. Sheesh. Also, she did education – so did I. Her father is accountancy based – so is mine. Her mother is in education – so is mine. She is one of four children, so am I. She shares the same star sign as me. I start on the family history only to find she is on the same genealogy site. And there is more, I just can’t think right now. fWH is next to me and IL’s in the other room, so am copy pasting instead of “live”…….

Night Tribe……

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:56 PM, September 24th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura – it’s all of them.
it will take you weeks or months to forget it
He’s hopin’………..

He also repeated that he will never, ever do it again.
I suppose it shouldn'treally matter much to me if it is a,b or c. The main thing is he is remorseful.????
He's sweeping it under the carpet hon. Make it go away, he's guilty, got found out, embarrassed, etc. He just wants it to go away. Move on. Etc. Just remember to deal with how YOU feel. He's squirming, but you're hurting. And yes, he's minimising.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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