The OW is in love with my husband and wants him to leave us for her. Has for 5 years. He says it was never an option. I hope I don't have another dday.
This is also eerily similar to my husband. OW3 had been at him for months to leave me.
OW2 (3yrs EA 5yrs PA ) told me (when I was unfortunate enough to have her as my private nurse after a heart attack) that he had always told her how wonderful I was and that he'd never leave me. OW2 is a nutcase!!! He started with OW3 when OW2 became cool as she realised they had no future. He was fucking both for a period of time!!!!
Both OW2 and OW3 were furious when they found out he had cheated on them!!!!
Seems strange to find this funny but I really enjoyed their outrage when they found out. My little bit of revenge was phoning OW3 and telling her about OW2. I was furious as I'd just found out about OW1 and OW2 after knowing about OW3 for a couple of weeks. I rang OW# and said "He all yours. You can have him! He's been fucking you, me and Name all at the same time!!! She was also incensed when I told her I had an STD (not true thank God - spur of the moment lie!) and that is how I found out. Revenge can be SO SWEET!!!!
[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:24 AM, September 19th (Sunday)]
WS is still in the fog. He also just went with OW to a very romantic place when he was supposed to be at a business conference. I may never have found this out, except that a friend called me and ratted him out after seeing him there with her.
Three nights with OW in a romantic place that I should have been there with him. I am furious.
I really haven't been writing much here, because I think it's futile. I am pretty sure I am going to divorce him and let her have him. She really isn't or wouldn't be getting a prize.
I am worried that if I wait another five years to do this, he will still be having her on the side, and I will be then too old to find another life.
I really also see no point in therapy. We've already done that for at least two years after the first time I found out about the LTA. I would never be able to tell if he was being honest, because I believed him then and he wasnt'. Great deception on his part. I would never be able to know when he is being honest.
I believe I have folded the cards. I do not want to live a life of misery with him wanted to keep me as a roommate to take care of everything for him, while he has a life outside our marriage with another woman. It seems like I am just his personal assistant and she is his primary relationship. I have to accept it and take the blinders off.
I refuse to initiate anymore. I just can't do it, even subtly. I can't "cuddle him in my sleep" or ask him why. He knows I am sad, he knows we don't have sex and he knows I want him initiate and yet he still doesn't.y ego adn self esteem just will not allow me tobe the one to fix this. it has to be him.
He came home last night at midnight, when he is suppose to. We watched tv for an hour or so together, he tried to hold my hand a few times but after a bit I foudn reasons to move away. He went to get something to eat adn I was so relieved. i just quietly cried. He came back up adn just rubbed my back adn told me he loved me for a long, long time. Finally I fell asleep.
But I don't even know what that means. It reminds me of during the affair and he came home late and I just cried and cried. He laid there and held me and didn't say a word. I don't know if it's the same thing or not. I don't know if he just had no words. I coudln't even look at hiom. He stroked my hair and I wonder if I had made any mve if things woudl have happened. But I can't make any move, it has to be him. The pain is too much adn I have told him that.
I don't know. All I want to do is cry. i have gone through periods of not even thinking about this whioloe affair crap and as dday approaches (october 28), i just get worse and worse. Something is going to give soon. I hate this.
and i am so sorry that you are in this bad place..
i believe there is only room for 2 people in a marriage and all others need to go, and if he won't make her go then i am afraid i agree with you that you must....or rather he must leave....it is pretty evident then that he has made his choice and so you must make yours....
i do though think that you should be in ic, mc is a total waste of time but ic is for you and i really think you could benefit from it....you are going through your own private 9/11 and do not underestimate the fallout....and getting help in dealing with the fallout will speed up your healing...
writing here also is not just for those experiencing reconcilliation...its for dealing with the aftermath of a lta.....
and the really cool thing about si is that there are several different forums that you could find support on every subject imaginable....
laura: can your husband get another job at another hospital??? or medical facility, i do not know what he does, but there are always other options i would think for a job...
The first Dday, I did all of what you suggested Njgal. I did 180, kicked him out for about 4 months, outted him to the entire family unit, both sets of parents, and all three kids who were teens at the time.
We went to IC, MC. I thought he was done. I had all passwords to email and voice mail, etc. When I let him come back home, I sincerely thought he was being honest about reconciling then.
Well, the NC with OW only lasted so long. Evidence shows that the LTA picked right back up not long after he moved back in. He just got better at hiding it. He got a separate credit card, post office box, etc.
Ive found out more than I ever dreamed possible with the help of a PI.
The boundary that was set then was that if he ever did it again, the only option would be a D.
So that is what has to happen now. Otherwise I would just be setting myself up. I swear though, I thought that was rock bottom for him. He cried, he pleaded, told me OW was just about sex and I believed him because I was not as interested in sex as he was at that time. I can see now that the LTA is more than sex.
As sad as it is, it is time for me to move on. He is still in the home, most of the time. Sometimes he doesn't come home at all and says he is at a buddies house, but I doubt it. Hes with her. I give up checking up on him as I already know the truth.
All of the suggestions that are in the healing library I did back in 2003 only to be torn down again.
This time, I don't even want to call a family meeting. I am embarrassed and I am not sure what I am going to do here.
He loves me he says, but he also doesn't leave OW. I can feel that he loves her too and maybe in a different way, but it's still there. When he is home all he does is mope and hide. I can see that he is pining to be with OW and that being home with me is not what he wants.
Its time to let go. D is started, as it was before but this time i am following through.
and i have to say that the way you are living is really not a healthy way to live...
how old are your kids?....
ps: i concur that d seems to be your only option, he has made his choice by not giving up the ow or even getting another one, either way he is choosing a life of a cheater....
line up your ducks, line them up well before you do the deed though....
and never underestimate him....
honest: hon, check in....its been awhile since you posted...
m3: you have a pm
I have no more advice for you. I really wish I did as you sound so sad.
I'm glad I gave you a laugh.I've tried so hard to keep my sense of humour through this. I think miracle has helped me with this. She is so wise. Listen to her.
Whenever things get bad I tell myself to focus on ME. I have started a self improvement program and it's really helping. I need to be strong in case the next Dday comes. I have told my H repeatedly that if he does it again WE ARE DONE!!!
AND I MEAN IT!!! I need to be strong and I hope that if/when the time comes I have the strength to go through with the D. I do love him and I dread it but I will not be treated like garbage again. I'd rather be alone than live like that.
We have a right to respect. We have given the ultimate gift and our WSs need to respect that gift. I cannot live the rest of my life being deceived and betrayed and being "second" to another woman(s)
Stay strong PS. I think you already know what to do.
So lost...it sounds as if you still have not processed the affair..that you are still asking yourself and your husband (?) questions about the LTA... and I would guess that your husband does not want to talk about it...
have you ever gone to an IC for yourself? maybe that would help...some place where you could talk about the affair...and/or marriage counseling with your husband?
So, for today we were able to talk calmly to each other and he seemed to really listen to me without getting defensive.
Later I was driving him to the airport (again) and he told me about an e-mail he had received from a female flight attendant (the OW was a flight attendant) who was asking about working with the consulting group that my WH also works with. WH told me that he wanted to be up front that she had contacted him, that I could read the e-mail and his response, etc. I told him that this is exactly the kind of thing that would help restore trust. He should tell me before I even think to ask of ANY contact from a female, colleague or otherwise. Keep your fingers crossed tribe!
I appreciate having a place to "talk" these things through. I took the time to read through the pages from Part 20 and as usual there is a wealth of wisdom here. Truly, no one understands like this group does. Thanks for being here.
He says he doesn't talk about his needs b/c my needs are what is important now. whatever.
I first posted here in LTA XVII on April 2.
July 11 was my latest Dday- the 9 year EA went PA eight days before H moved out last December.
Turns out H spent the reunion weekend at a hotel with OW. They had planned it three weeks earlier when he decided to move out. She flew in from another state, she got a plane ticket but could not get a room. (or he offered the room-I still do not have the truth on this)
She was the second person he told (the first being his dad--to get money for the apartment deposit)
I went to be tested for STD's H did also, all negative thank God.
H did not use protection. They did not even DISCUSS protection before sex. He told me that over the years they had discussions about how she was 'cleaned out' had a hysterectomy and that she got tested for STD's all of the time & she was 'clean'. WTF?
Here is where I am now...shocked, numb, hurt, angry, and a lot of other emotions within minutes of each other. Mostly crying or angry.
H has moved back in for the most part, still does not know if he has to pay out the apartment lease which puts a strain on our finances. The legal separation is still in place so I still get alimony & child support. (Have to talk to L about this) Our mortgage is still behind because of the timing of the support payments & the courts. BUT if H had not had the EA, been talking to me instead of OW he would not have moved out so I frequently remind H that if he had not had an A & moved out we would be much better financially. (Should I keep my mouth shut & not bring this up?)
I am willing to attempt R as long as H does the requirements & steps up.
He started IC at the end of April. HOWEVER, he lied to his IC for six weeks, not telling him about the PA until July. H confessed to 1) our Pastor, 2) his IC (after foul-mouthed sailor AH (me) was invited to a session & proceeded to rip H up one side & down the other) His IC had the 'deer in the headlights' look. But at the next session (I was not there) when IC told H that if he knew I was going to bash H IC never would have let me in. H told IC that it was for the best then confessed to the shocked IC that the A had gone PA.
Then I asked H a question (we were on the phone) and he had a choice to either keep lying or confess. He confessed & blew my world up. All of the healing I had done (as related to the EA) in seven months came crashing down.
H's IC moved out of state last month. I thought he was too soft on H. Focusing more on FOO than the A. H has found a new IC (recommended by my IC) & starts tonight. I hope that the break he had in IC is the reason H has fogged-up again.
If you have read this far I truely thank you I DO have some questions that maybe you kind folks can help with.
How do I contain the anger? I went ballistic a couple weeks ago. We were watching 'Fireproof'. Maybe not a movie to watch together at this point? I had seen it before-bawled my eyes out when I watched it alone. I did tear-up this time but I shut it off mid-stream & just went off on H. Now if you know me IRL I am very mild mannered. Something about my H fucking (pardon) another woman brings out who I call sailor AH.
How do you get over (accept?) the sex part? I feel with all my being that if it was just the EA part we would be doing well in R by now, as long as H stepped up & did what I needed. I posted about my limited experience with sex before M (including rape at 16) and H's extensive experience. I feel H needs to be going 'over & above' now BECAUSE of the PA part. Am I totally off base?
H wrote NC letter & mailed in July--it was returned-wrong address. I still need that letter sent & her to receive it. Could she possibly have refused it & had it sent back. (she is a D BW, her WH had an A & OC & left for OW--as far as I know
H is working on a detailed timeline. I asked for 11-09 to 7-10(last contact from OW) It is slow going.
Gotta pull myself together, put on the 'everything is peachy' face & go to work.
I am normally a fairly intelligent person but I have been obsessed, confused & much more lately. Reading your posts does help & I would like to feel that I can help other folks here but I am so lost of late.
Thanks for listening. AH
We had another long talk this morning and I basically told him that from now on his attitude needs to be that he is GRATEFUL to me for allowing him to even try to make things right. He talks about how frustrated he is that I don't seem to appreciate the things he is doing (going to the store to buy/choose a bd gift for my mom), but I told him that he should be grateful I even let him try.
WH and I didn't talk about anything major, just superficial stuff ( the way he seems to like it)
WH kept asking if I was having a good time. He was acting pleasant enough, but I kept feeling the distance. It wasn't that WH was being mean, or distancing himself per se, KWIM?
I was typing a long post and it just disappeared on me. I'll have to get back later. WH keeps asking me what I'm doing. <sigh> It's like he can ignore me all day long, but if I start doing something, he has to know what I'm doing or he asks me to do something for him.