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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost

The OW is in love with my husband and wants him to leave us for her. Has for 5 years. He says it was never an option. I hope I don't have another dday.

This is also eerily similar to my husband. OW3 had been at him for months to leave me.

OW2 (3yrs EA 5yrs PA ) told me (when I was unfortunate enough to have her as my private nurse after a heart attack) that he had always told her how wonderful I was and that he'd never leave me. OW2 is a nutcase!!! He started with OW3 when OW2 became cool as she realised they had no future. He was fucking both for a period of time!!!!

Both OW2 and OW3 were furious when they found out he had cheated on them!!!!

Seems strange to find this funny but I really enjoyed their outrage when they found out. My little bit of revenge was phoning OW3 and telling her about OW2. I was furious as I'd just found out about OW1 and OW2 after knowing about OW3 for a couple of weeks. I rang OW# and said "He all yours. You can have him! He's been fucking you, me and Name all at the same time!!! She was also incensed when I told her I had an STD (not true thank God - spur of the moment lie!) and that is how I found out. Revenge can be SO SWEET!!!!

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:24 AM, September 19th (Sunday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
psndhart
♀ New Member
Member # 29455
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a few weeks. It's been horrid in my world (although I did just get a laugh out of Lauras post. Thank you Laura).

WS is still in the fog. He also just went with OW to a very romantic place when he was supposed to be at a business conference. I may never have found this out, except that a friend called me and ratted him out after seeing him there with her.

Three nights with OW in a romantic place that I should have been there with him. I am furious.

I really haven't been writing much here, because I think it's futile. I am pretty sure I am going to divorce him and let her have him. She really isn't or wouldn't be getting a prize.

I am worried that if I wait another five years to do this, he will still be having her on the side, and I will be then too old to find another life.

I really also see no point in therapy. We've already done that for at least two years after the first time I found out about the LTA. I would never be able to tell if he was being honest, because I believed him then and he wasnt'. Great deception on his part. I would never be able to know when he is being honest.

I believe I have folded the cards. I do not want to live a life of misery with him wanted to keep me as a roommate to take care of everything for him, while he has a life outside our marriage with another woman. It seems like I am just his personal assistant and she is his primary relationship. I have to accept it and take the blinders off.


WS lived two lives for the past 10 yrs.
Me: 56 BS
Him: 54 WS
OW: 41
Married 29 yrs.
3 adult children

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for your hugs and welcome back. I appreciate your advise. We have talked about not having sex, although not in a while. There's always an excuse. He has medication for the ED, so that is not an excuse.

I refuse to initiate anymore. I just can't do it, even subtly. I can't "cuddle him in my sleep" or ask him why. He knows I am sad, he knows we don't have sex and he knows I want him initiate and yet he still doesn't.y ego adn self esteem just will not allow me tobe the one to fix this. it has to be him.

He came home last night at midnight, when he is suppose to. We watched tv for an hour or so together, he tried to hold my hand a few times but after a bit I foudn reasons to move away. He went to get something to eat adn I was so relieved. i just quietly cried. He came back up adn just rubbed my back adn told me he loved me for a long, long time. Finally I fell asleep.

But I don't even know what that means. It reminds me of during the affair and he came home late and I just cried and cried. He laid there and held me and didn't say a word. I don't know if it's the same thing or not. I don't know if he just had no words. I coudln't even look at hiom. He stroked my hair and I wonder if I had made any mve if things woudl have happened. But I can't make any move, it has to be him. The pain is too much adn I have told him that.

I don't know. All I want to do is cry. i have gone through periods of not even thinking about this whioloe affair crap and as dday approaches (october 28), i just get worse and worse. Something is going to give soon. I hate this.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ps: while he is continuing his relationship with the ow there is no relationship with you worth saving imo....

and i am so sorry that you are in this bad place..

i believe there is only room for 2 people in a marriage and all others need to go, and if he won't make her go then i am afraid i agree with you that you must....or rather he must leave....it is pretty evident then that he has made his choice and so you must make yours....

i do though think that you should be in ic, mc is a total waste of time but ic is for you and i really think you could benefit from it....you are going through your own private 9/11 and do not underestimate the fallout....and getting help in dealing with the fallout will speed up your healing...

writing here also is not just for those experiencing reconcilliation...its for dealing with the aftermath of a lta.....

and the really cool thing about si is that there are several different forums that you could find support on every subject imaginable....

(((ps)))

laura: can your husband get another job at another hospital??? or medical facility, i do not know what he does, but there are always other options i would think for a job...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

psndhart...
I am so sorry that he is putting you through this...how cruel...
but, it sounds as if he is still living at home with you.
My advice ... at this point..is that the only hope you have of him waking up and coming out of his fog is for him to hit bottom. And, often the only way that the WS really hits bottom is when you kick them out of the house and file for divorce!
I did that when I found out about the LTA... I wasn't plotting to get him back at that point.. instead I was reacting in complete shock and disbelief about his LTA! It took 2 days of getting the info out of him and others about the LTA and then I snapped and told him to leave.. I then went on a rampage..calling everyone.. the MOWs husband... my children...our friends and family..his co-workers...his boss... I outted the affair to everyone!
If you haven't done that yet.. I do recommend that course of action.. I know some that believe in keeping it all quiet to protect their husband's reputation and to not embarrass the family but so often I see on SI what happens with that approach...it just allows the WS to go underground with the affair and continue the behavior.
In my opinion they need to hit bottom to wake up and realize what they will lose if the affair continues.
and... if the wake up call doesn't work well then, you have your answer..there really is no hope for the marriage.
I did reconcile with my husband after a 6 month seperation. So...anything is possible...but, you must be very strong.
You need to make some basic demands and insist that he do those things before you consider reconciling.
A good book about this is 'Love Must Be Tough' by James Dobson..see if you can get it... it's older and could even be in your local library...
Dobson is a Christian writer and believes in marriage but...he feels that if the husband continues to stay in contact with the OW..that the only hope you have is to use a tough love approach! he has to choose.
He gives you good advice in the book , even gives you a sample letter to write to him.
and..the main advice do NOT beg or plead for him to come back! He will not respect you. at this point the affairs are an escape from the responsibilities of married life.. he feels trapped by the marriage...so Dobson says..give him what he wants..open the cage door (if thats how he feels about the marriage) and say...you either choose me and the kids...no contact with the OW ever again... you write a NC letter to her or call her with me in the same room... and then he needs to move out to his own place... and begin going to IC (counseling) and then he needs to agree to MC with you as well.... and then... after a few months of all of this... maybe then you will take him back.








Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so lost....
my d-day was also in 2007.... and it was with a MOW co-worker.
Why do you think there continues to be this lack of connection between the two of you?
Is he reacting to your sadness ? or is he feeling guilty and that is the reason for his lack of interest in initiating sex?
what things do you think he could do to make you feel better? are there any actions he could take that could turn this around for you?
what happened when you went to MC?
and..as you see in my other posts.. I am a big believer in outting the affair.. why is it too late to tell anyone about the affair? do you think it would help you heal from this if you did talk about it with someone?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't know why I think it's too late to out the affair. I guess I don't even know how I woudl do it or hoestly have the energy to do it. when dday forst hit, all that emotion was just there. I coudl have told the world and it woudl have explained everything. but now, life is chipper and happy to the world. I don't want to burst that for me or for my kids. It makes no sense even as I say it. but to try adn tell me story? To answer all teh questions? the thought make sme feel sick.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
psndhart
♀ New Member
Member # 29455
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You Iwant and Njgal.

The first Dday, I did all of what you suggested Njgal. I did 180, kicked him out for about 4 months, outted him to the entire family unit, both sets of parents, and all three kids who were teens at the time.

We went to IC, MC. I thought he was done. I had all passwords to email and voice mail, etc. When I let him come back home, I sincerely thought he was being honest about reconciling then.

Well, the NC with OW only lasted so long. Evidence shows that the LTA picked right back up not long after he moved back in. He just got better at hiding it. He got a separate credit card, post office box, etc.

Ive found out more than I ever dreamed possible with the help of a PI.

The boundary that was set then was that if he ever did it again, the only option would be a D.

So that is what has to happen now. Otherwise I would just be setting myself up. I swear though, I thought that was rock bottom for him. He cried, he pleaded, told me OW was just about sex and I believed him because I was not as interested in sex as he was at that time. I can see now that the LTA is more than sex.

As sad as it is, it is time for me to move on. He is still in the home, most of the time. Sometimes he doesn't come home at all and says he is at a buddies house, but I doubt it. Hes with her. I give up checking up on him as I already know the truth.

All of the suggestions that are in the healing library I did back in 2003 only to be torn down again.

This time, I don't even want to call a family meeting. I am embarrassed and I am not sure what I am going to do here.

He loves me he says, but he also doesn't leave OW. I can feel that he loves her too and maybe in a different way, but it's still there. When he is home all he does is mope and hide. I can see that he is pining to be with OW and that being home with me is not what he wants.

Its time to let go. D is started, as it was before but this time i am following through.


WS lived two lives for the past 10 yrs.
Me: 56 BS
Him: 54 WS
OW: 41
Married 29 yrs.
3 adult children

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so lost: i am with njgal with her questions...

and i have to say that the way you are living is really not a healthy way to live...

how old are your kids?....


ps: i concur that d seems to be your only option, he has made his choice by not giving up the ow or even getting another one, either way he is choosing a life of a cheater....

line up your ducks, line them up well before you do the deed though....

and never underestimate him....

honest: hon, check in....its been awhile since you posted...


m3: you have a pm


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost

I have no more advice for you. I really wish I did as you sound so sad.

HUGS

psndhart

I'm glad I gave you a laugh.I've tried so hard to keep my sense of humour through this. I think miracle has helped me with this. She is so wise. Listen to her.

Whenever things get bad I tell myself to focus on ME. I have started a self improvement program and it's really helping. I need to be strong in case the next Dday comes. I have told my H repeatedly that if he does it again WE ARE DONE!!!

AND I MEAN IT!!! I need to be strong and I hope that if/when the time comes I have the strength to go through with the D. I do love him and I dread it but I will not be treated like garbage again. I'd rather be alone than live like that.

We have a right to respect. We have given the ultimate gift and our WSs need to respect that gift. I cannot live the rest of my life being deceived and betrayed and being "second" to another woman(s)

Stay strong PS. I think you already know what to do.


BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS...I am so sorry....it does sound as if you have done everything in your power to save the marriage but you can't do it alone.
He is not commited to the marriage..he is selfish and wants what he wants without any regard to the hurt he will cause you and your family.
You have no other option than to see an attorney and to file for divorce... I would do that ASAP..you have already wasted too many years of your life on this toxic man...
You deserve to have a happy life...

So lost...it sounds as if you still have not processed the affair..that you are still asking yourself and your husband (?) questions about the LTA... and I would guess that your husband does not want to talk about it...
have you ever gone to an IC for yourself? maybe that would help...some place where you could talk about the affair...and/or marriage counseling with your husband?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe!! I am back after a few days out of town with WH. I can say that things are better between us. Despite this I continue to be VERY depressed. It's not surprising really given that we are not even 3 mos. from DDay but WH has actually noticed it which is surprising. He is trying to implement some of the things the IC/MC told him to do but I think he still thinks this whole mess can be "contained" with just a little effort on his part. We had another long talk this morning and I basically told him that from now on his attitude needs to be that he is GRATEFUL to me for allowing him to even try to make things right. He talks about how frustrated he is that I don't seem to appreciate the things he is doing (going to the store to buy/choose a bd gift for my mom), but I told him that he should be grateful I even let him try. He listened and agreed with me!! I am conflicted that by trying to work through the aftermath of his LTA I am compromising my self-respect. I told him this and he asked if making a point of being grateful to me would help with that, I told him it would. (Does any of this make sense?)

So, for today we were able to talk calmly to each other and he seemed to really listen to me without getting defensive.

Later I was driving him to the airport (again) and he told me about an e-mail he had received from a female flight attendant (the OW was a flight attendant) who was asking about working with the consulting group that my WH also works with. WH told me that he wanted to be up front that she had contacted him, that I could read the e-mail and his response, etc. I told him that this is exactly the kind of thing that would help restore trust. He should tell me before I even think to ask of ANY contact from a female, colleague or otherwise. Keep your fingers crossed tribe!

I appreciate having a place to "talk" these things through. I took the time to read through the pages from Part 20 and as usual there is a wealth of wisdom here. Truly, no one understands like this group does. Thanks for being here.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((solost)))
((((psnd)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in and lurking....hugs to all of you....

(((((tribe)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little late in welcoming all our "newbies" as we like to call them here so welcome, Laura, Deep Purple and Alexa. You will, correction, already have gotten so much wisdom from everyone. This is the most wonderful place because as some of you have already said, we all know what each of us is going through and it is a tremendous comfort to share our pain with others who completely understand. So I am very happy you have found our little corner and hope you get all the support and encouragement you need at this time.
Laura - your trip sounds amazing. I can't wait to hear about the details (but not all of them ). One of the things my H and I did following d-day was to take frequent romantic weekends away and this helped so much to get our R on the right road. I am so happy that you and your H have this to look forward to.
Also, my H worked with the OW but fortunately she left immediately after d-day. I wish it was possible for your H to find another hospital because this would be a great help to you as you struggle to heal. Any chances of this?
DeepPurple - I don't know this band (and I'm not that much older than you ). I'll have to check them out on youtube. Do you have a favorite song that helps you now?
Alexa - our IC/MC also suggested that my H could have a mild form of SA. He wanted him to go to an IC who specializes in SA but my H was not interested. He didn't believe he had a problem and I didn't want to force this on him as long as he was doing everything else that I required for R. I hope your W is working very hard to find out what her issues are.
I'm glad she is working on a timeline and I agree with the others that waiting until it is complete will probably be a better way to deal with it but make sure not to take in more than you can emotionally handle. One of the biggest mistakes I made in the early months was exploding when my H would tell me something. I was just so overwhelmed with the things he was admitting to that eventually he stopped telling me. Honestly, I can't blame him because I just wasn't able to deal with his confessions. Is there some way you can prepare yourself for this timeline? Did your IC prescribe a little Xanax or other anxiety med? I wish I hadn't been so emotional because it is truly counterproductive.
Come here to vent or for support if you need to once the timeline is finished.
psnhart - I am so sorry to hear that your H has continued with his A. You have shown him that you are serious on your first d-day - kicking him out for 4 months, outing him to family and friends, insisting on IC/MC, etc., and still he continued to deceive you.
He has some very serious issues and is too toxic at this point to remain in a R with. At the very least, if you're not ready to D, I would kick him out again, maybe a little longer this time or at least file for separation. He needs another strong dose of reality. (((((Psndhart)


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he doesn't talk about his needs b/c my needs are what is important now. whatever.

(((SoLost))))
I know you don't want to be the one to ask for sex but your H did tell you that your "needs are what is important now" so maybe it is time to tell him what those needs are. I am a very strong believer in the importance of bringing back sex into the M after d-day.
Our sex life during my H's LTA was minimal to say the least so once I discovered why I INSISTED on a healthy sex life. Like your H, mine also had/has ED issues (medical problems) and just lately our sex life has been awful but I am pushing him even though I know he has real medical complications because I deserve a healthy sex life and our M deserves it as well. We were cheated for so long (8 years in my case) and I am tired of my needs being denied.
SoLost - I know you are very resistant to this but I honestly think it is time to tell your H exactly how you feel about your lack of a sex life. Who knows what he will tell you. Perhaps he is filled with shame and this is what is holding him back. The longer this continues the more likely it is that you will eventually want out of your M and I get the sense that this is not what either of you really want.
((((SoLost))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Frustrated  Posted: 7:58 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again to the LTA tribe...sorry for the long-windedness of this post.

I first posted here in LTA XVII on April 2.

July 11 was my latest Dday- the 9 year EA went PA eight days before H moved out last December.

Turns out H spent the reunion weekend at a hotel with OW. They had planned it three weeks earlier when he decided to move out. She flew in from another state, she got a plane ticket but could not get a room. (or he offered the room-I still do not have the truth on this)

She was the second person he told (the first being his dad--to get money for the apartment deposit)

I went to be tested for STD's H did also, all negative thank God.

H did not use protection. They did not even DISCUSS protection before sex. He told me that over the years they had discussions about how she was 'cleaned out' had a hysterectomy and that she got tested for STD's all of the time & she was 'clean'. WTF?

Here is where I am now...shocked, numb, hurt, angry, and a lot of other emotions within minutes of each other. Mostly crying or angry.

H has moved back in for the most part, still does not know if he has to pay out the apartment lease which puts a strain on our finances. The legal separation is still in place so I still get alimony & child support. (Have to talk to L about this) Our mortgage is still behind because of the timing of the support payments & the courts. BUT if H had not had the EA, been talking to me instead of OW he would not have moved out so I frequently remind H that if he had not had an A & moved out we would be much better financially. (Should I keep my mouth shut & not bring this up?)

I am willing to attempt R as long as H does the requirements & steps up.

He started IC at the end of April. HOWEVER, he lied to his IC for six weeks, not telling him about the PA until July. H confessed to 1) our Pastor, 2) his IC (after foul-mouthed sailor AH (me) was invited to a session & proceeded to rip H up one side & down the other) His IC had the 'deer in the headlights' look. But at the next session (I was not there) when IC told H that if he knew I was going to bash H IC never would have let me in. H told IC that it was for the best then confessed to the shocked IC that the A had gone PA.

Then I asked H a question (we were on the phone) and he had a choice to either keep lying or confess. He confessed & blew my world up. All of the healing I had done (as related to the EA) in seven months came crashing down.

H's IC moved out of state last month. I thought he was too soft on H. Focusing more on FOO than the A. H has found a new IC (recommended by my IC) & starts tonight. I hope that the break he had in IC is the reason H has fogged-up again.

If you have read this far I truely thank you I DO have some questions that maybe you kind folks can help with.

How do I contain the anger? I went ballistic a couple weeks ago. We were watching 'Fireproof'. Maybe not a movie to watch together at this point? I had seen it before-bawled my eyes out when I watched it alone. I did tear-up this time but I shut it off mid-stream & just went off on H. Now if you know me IRL I am very mild mannered. Something about my H fucking (pardon) another woman brings out who I call sailor AH.

How do you get over (accept?) the sex part? I feel with all my being that if it was just the EA part we would be doing well in R by now, as long as H stepped up & did what I needed. I posted about my limited experience with sex before M (including rape at 16) and H's extensive experience. I feel H needs to be going 'over & above' now BECAUSE of the PA part. Am I totally off base?

H wrote NC letter & mailed in July--it was returned-wrong address. I still need that letter sent & her to receive it. Could she possibly have refused it & had it sent back. (she is a D BW, her WH had an A & OC & left for OW--as far as I know

H is working on a detailed timeline. I asked for 11-09 to 7-10(last contact from OW) It is slow going.

Gotta pull myself together, put on the 'everything is peachy' face & go to work.

I am normally a fairly intelligent person but I have been obsessed, confused & much more lately. Reading your posts does help & I would like to feel that I can help other folks here but I am so lost of late.

Thanks for listening. AH


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had another long talk this morning and I basically told him that from now on his attitude needs to be that he is GRATEFUL to me for allowing him to even try to make things right. He talks about how frustrated he is that I don't seem to appreciate the things he is doing (going to the store to buy/choose a bd gift for my mom), but I told him that he should be grateful I even let him try.

Amen, Strongish!!! I am always amazed when our FWS's don't get this concept. How can they not realize how lucky they are to be given a second chance especially when we are talking LTA's????
They need to go over to JFO where A's are only ONSs or EA's of STA's and some of the BS's file immediately. Our FWS's A's lasted for years, and in some cases for the entire M. WTF?? A second chance for them is no less than a miracle, IMHO.
So good for you Strongish and good for Mr. S that he heard you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to catch up on the posts. We went away for a family weekend at a "dude" ranch. The place was disappointing, but I think the DS's had a good time.

WH and I didn't talk about anything major, just superficial stuff ( the way he seems to like it)

WH kept asking if I was having a good time. He was acting pleasant enough, but I kept feeling the distance. It wasn't that WH was being mean, or distancing himself per se, KWIM?

I was typing a long post and it just disappeared on me. I'll have to get back later. WH keeps asking me what I'm doing. <sigh> It's like he can ignore me all day long, but if I start doing something, he has to know what I'm doing or he asks me to do something for him.


{{{{{{{{{{tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm so happy to see you on here and to read that you were away on a family trip. I've been thinking of you so much just knowing that your H is home and hoping he is on his very best behavior. I'm glad you are continuing to distance yourself. Hopefully this will prevent you from any major hurts or setbacks once he leaves. Are you looking forward to him leaving or are you wishing that he would stay longer?
I can only imagine how much your sons are glad to have him home and hope they are not too upset when he goes back.
So does your H work from home then or is he just home for the day? It can be so stressful when you want to do your own thing and they are constantly looking over your shoulder. It's the reason there are days that I can't get on here myself. My H works part-time and it drives me crazy sometimes.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and so glad to hear you sounding better.
((((Honest)))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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