Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I'm stepping on any toes posting first here...

I've been wanting to post to the LTA thread for some time but it felt like I would get lost in the vastness of it. This seems like as good a time as any.

I'm just boggled at how long my WW kept up her A. 3.5 years... I know it isn't as long as others here but it was more than 1/2 or our M!

WW talks about how she was in a sad, depressed, lonely (self-induced) state when she began her A. Okay, but that doesn't explain why it CONTINUED on through all of our good times too. WW said that she was happy in our M later on in her A. If that was the case why wouldn't she END THE A?! I've asked her this question and she hasn't been able to give me an answer. She say's that she doesn't know.

Also, if she was cheating on me for more than 1/2 of our M why, now, does she want the M SO BAD? What she has perpetrated says to me that she could care less about me, our M or our future together. Why, now, is she crying and prostrating herself over the prospect of losing me?

I know no one can answer these questions but her. Maybe, though, some of you have insight into this. I have to imagine none of these questions are new to this thread.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alexa071

I've just read your story in your profile. I'm so sorry.

I don't feel I can give you any advice except to say that I believe my H is a little like your wife. If you read my profile you'll get the full story.

He now says he loves me and will do all he can to make me happy for the rest of our lives.

He really seems to mean it.

He says he was lonely when he started his affairs (16yrs ago!!) when he had a wife and 2 beautiful children and he was too BUSY to give us any of his time!!!!

I think "lonely" is a great excuse. He says he was stupid and is so sorry.

I think he is genuinely remorseful. Believe I only have a very small amount of the truth.

Actually that's wrong. I think everything he's told me is a lie except his intention to rebuild our marriage. It will be interesting to see just how much he means it - how long his good intentions last.

Can I accept a new life based on dishonesty about the past? I don't know.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to godsgirl. Having the small kids really complicates everything doesn't it? Especially so many.

Hi alexa071 -- please feel free to post here. I'm sure some of us are familiar with your situation.

Alex, an A is very exciting. It's also a way to keep a part of yourself to yourself, which feels safe to a person with intimacy issues.

My WH cheated on me more than half of our relationship as well. And introduced me to OW and had me befriend OW. And made our child best friends with her kids . . . you get my drift. I swear, in their minds we were all one happy family.

So, why does she want the M so much now? Well, more likely than not, she always wanted the M. She wanted both. Now she has to pick, and she's going with the one that's better for her.

There may have been moments she wanted a D, or not. Probably -- but it's so much easier to complain, deflect, stick with the status quo, blow off steam with OM, etc.

See, they never think they're going to get caught. So, there is no "I'm risking my marriage" on the table for them. They only figure that out retroactively, because they think they're SOOOO smart.

At the end of the day, it's going to be completely up to you. And you know what you're capable of and what you aren't. The important things right now are to (1) get off the hook legally for OC and (2) take care of Alex (and OC).

If your marriage was a boat: she blew it up. She's in the water, dazed and upset, essentially unharmed but disoriented. You and OC are in the life raft. You've got burns over 50% of your body, but they're mostly 1st degree, a few 2nd degree -- you'll be fine. OC is clueless but he knows it's not good and you and WW aren't happy.

Now, she can swim for shore, join you in the life raft or drown -- but whatever she chooses, she's going to have to do it herself. Because you cannot get out of that liferaft and leave OC. Or risk getting eaten by sharks.

So, she's got to swim for it. Maybe she'll make it, maybe she won't, but you need to start rowing pretty soon, even if she's not swimming yet.

I know many people have said this is the worst ever -- but they're confused by OC as a red herring. He's just physical proof of what happened. It's REALLY bad, but we understand -- we're all there too, but without the OC. At the end of the day, either she does the work to heal herself and regain your trust. Only you can heal you, and you will heal, whether she does what she needs to do or not. Because you're a healthy person.

I think that at least one of three things must be true of people who choose to cheat: they are so promiscuous they should not be married to anyone, the married the wrong person or they are enormously self destructive.

Miracle -- my Dad was super-duper passive agressive. By the time I was 12 I swore I'd never let him see me cry again; and I didn't for nearly 20 years; not until The Pasha went into the hospital with a 104.5 fever at 16 days old. It took 5 years for me to have him, and 2 m/c and there I thought I was going to lose him...

Anyway, when you talk about how pfm acts/acted with the kids and all your fights about that; it brings back memories.


Laura and Alex, remember this also -- the past is gone. It's a sunk cost. Miracle always says you need to choose the path of least regret. Only you know what that is.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to our corner of si alex....

i am familiar with your story, and to answer your questions....yes we have all asked them...and there really is no answer to most of them...

they did because they are broken people and they could....

m3 gave you an excellent analogy.....

most, if not all of our ws's, are not and were not capable of true love, i believe they loved us the best they knew how, their best though sucks....

as m3 pointed out, i believe you take the path of least regret....there may always be regrets, finding the one of the least regret takes time, patience and a bit of self examination...

you need to go over every option, figure out every consequence and benefit of each.....and then you need to pick the option that in 1 to 5 years time is the one that you could live with....

not an easy task....but very very doable...and if you are not sure, then you do nothing.....however, and this is a big however, when you have circumstance where time is not on your side like with the oc, you need to act asap...which means you need to weigh every option now and make a decision now.....

eg....you have time to consider your options with the marriage, you do not have that time for your options with the oc...so right now you make your decision on the oc based on what you know now and what you know your possibities are NOW.....always thinking ahead at least a year...

and lastly when you are faced with still not knowing, follow your instincts....

and in following your sich, i had responded to one of your threads that i think you should actually deal with all of that that pertains to the oc now.....and if that means involving the om, then involve the om and let him sign away his rights....the thought that this man could potentially come into your life at any point in time and turn your world and that poor childs world inside out and upside down to me would be terrifiying and not a way to live....i would get it all out and not live with anymore secrets...secrets are destructive to all involved...and dealing with it now while the oc is a baby would mean that he would be affected the least now as opposed to later...i have seen first hand a child ripped from the parents he thought were his own, 5 years later and this child still has issues because of it and probably always will....

ok coming off my soapbox now, i tend to get longwinded alot..


m3: i loved that analogy....

so if i gathered what you said correctly, you from the childs pov, felt a huge wall or rather built a huge wall between yourself and your dad....how about your mom?...how was this relationship?...and i have to say, pfm was also labeled by his ic as passive/agressive...and his relationship with his kids has gotten progressively strained as his verbal/emtional abuse escalated, especially in the last 2 years prior to d-day...

my kids also saw us being very affectionate, silly and laughing....although the year before that got to the point where it was almost non existent, and about a month or 2 before d-day it was starting to improve oddly...less pressure from his foo which had so much to do with who he was to us on the whole....

i would love to hear more if you don't mind, since you hold the pov of possibly my children and hopefully insight in who they are becomming and how i can help if possible with what they feel....


laura: it really sucks doesn't it when you feel everything that comes from their mouths are lies...i am sorry that you cannot believe anything he has said..and i know that feeling well....do you believe his words on any othe spectrums...is he a liar in life in general or just about his affairs...??


((((tribe)))


and its a new house btw, anyone want to decorate...i think we need a mudslide bar....and can we bring the cabana boys over from 19....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my mother has no boundaries at all and spends all her time telling everybody else what they should do with their lives and she knows everything. She's intrusive. She's got that Munchausen's by proxy thing. I was so mad at my Dad for not saving me from that -- but he was so checked out, gone from 5:30 am to 11:30 pm most workdays. Anyway. I doubt I could give you a viewpoint that would help you re: the mother thing -- but I can tell you that about 12 years ago, my (now X) husband had a massive nervous breakdown and I had to rush him to the ER in the middle of the night where they locked him in a padded room,etc. That scared my Dad so bad he went to IC weekly and a group therapy, weekly for TWO YEARS and took meds for depression too ever since then he and I have gotten along great and I'm very close to him, closer than I am to my Mom by far.

Soooo there is hope for pfm and your kids.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Godsgirl,
Welcome to LTA. Just because your WS is doing everything he or she should now does not make the past just disappear. It is hard to just accept what they did, release it and move on as though everything is OK. As for relating to so many areas of ICR, it just goes to show that our WSs are not healthy people. There are layers of issues that they must work through to be healthy and safe. Perhaps like you are feeling, while the WS is working on all of these FOO, personality, addiction, and other issues, who works with us the BS to heal from the impact of the betrayals. I really think the answer is we do it ourselves with some help from IC and in my case, the great support from the LTA tribe. Finally, there is a difference between walking away from your WS and walking away from your kids. I have no doubt you will always take care of your family, just don’t forget to take care of you too.

Hi Alexa071.
Welcome to your too. I have followed your posts and commented a couple of times. I “see” my FWW in your posts. Fortunately FWW is menopausal, so no OC, just a STD. However, FWW has struggled with FOO issues, personality traits, and internal wiring that does not make sense at first look. Her A’s were for 4+ years (25% of out M), but the greater damage is the 20 years of living where she was frightened, insecure, and angry. She resented that I did not “make” her happy. She was angry that she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear and then I was still upset. We are doing much better than 6 or even 3 months ago. It is only in the last few weeks that FWW has accepted some of the personality traits she needs to work on. She still struggles with depression, withdraw, and telling me the truth about what she feels. She is doing counseling work, reading, talking, and trying to do things for me. Still, there are details about her A she simply will not share with me. She does not say that she loves me.

Also, if she was cheating on me for more than 1/2 of our M why, now, does she want the M SO BAD? What she has perpetrated says to me that she could care less about me, our M or our future together. Why, now, is she crying and prostrating herself over the prospect of losing me?

I had the same questions about FWW. She had a “5 year plan” to leave me fist with OM#2, then #3. I think what happened is that in the counseling we attended after dday she had a change in perception. She realized I do (did) love her. She realized how wrong her interpretations of my actions and behaviors had been. Once this perception changed, she saw things as they really were, or should have been. She wanted us to work out all through our M, but thought she was not good enough, that I did not love her. Her OM “made” her feel attractive, smart, desired. It was hard for her to give that up until she realized that essentially they were using her for their own needs, and that I had always been here finding her attractive, smart, funny, and desiring her. It is like one of those optical illusion pictures when they ask what you see in the picture. Once it is explained, you cannot help but see the image, that is our M now with FWW.

Laura28, it is hard to understand how they can seemingly want to move forward and be a healthy and happy couple, and yet maintain these dark secrets about the A. I told FWW last night that still bothers me.

M334455, this is FWW

…they are enormously self destructive.

There may have been moments she wanted a D, or not. Probably -- but it's so much easier to complain, deflect, stick with the status quo, blow off steam with OM, etc.

The phrase “path of least regret” is a good one. It does not mean the choice the will make you happy, or is the “right” choice. It literally can be taking the shit sandwich to eat rather than the double shit deluxe with rancid bacon. I think that FWW and I have a good chance for happiness in our future, but I question if I will ever really be happy. I am reading a lot of Zen and trying just to accept, let go, and be in the moment.

I have backed way off from asking about the A and A related things. FWW has begun to bring things up to process and work through. I am happy to get this stuff out in the open, but it took a Xanax and tequila cocktail to get to sleep last night after talking about it, them.

God it hurts what she did with them.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I question if I will ever really be happy

You will if you want to be. Happiness is a choice. I know this well, because pulling yourself out of mixed mania and into a normal(ish) life is no mean feat. Happiness is a choice. It's why you can't "make" your wife happy. Nothing can MAKE a person happy -- happiness is an ACTION. Even the great American ideal "the *pursuit* of happiness" acknowledges this -- as "pursuit" is to chase -- action.

So, yes, if you want to be happy, you will. What will that take? Trial and error. You'll figure it out. I'm happy most of the time right now -- and when I'm not I bitch slap myself and get over it.

I just won't allow my WH and OW's brokenness to have that kind of power over me. Was I hurt? Immeasurably. I'll live. But truly, at the end of the day, I didn't do anything. I wasn't there. It didn't happen to me. My spouse made a choice that illustrates he doesn't really care about me that much. Ok. Wish I'd known that BEFORE I had 3 more children and took a lower paying job, etc. All I can do now is rearrange my life to mitigate the damage. Which is what I'm doing.

And, for now, like Tryn, I'm CHOOSING to love. I'm also choosing not to trust or depend on my WH. I may never do so again. I can be happy wihout trusting him. I might not be able to stay married to him long term without trusting him, but, for now, I wake up each day, make a decision to be loving and make a decision not to call the divorce attorney *today* and go on. It's not a lot, but it's where I am right now.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - you said it all. Every part of what you said is so so true. You are wise.

All of the tribe has so much to offer that I don't think I would be doing as well as I am without any of you. So thank you!

Welcome Alex and godsgirl....you'll get much help here.

Hugs to the tribe...I have nothing insightful to offer...I'm in a bad place this morning.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the quick responses!

Laura,

I think "lonely" is a great excuse.

It is funny how "lonely" WW was when I spent every waking moment with her. If I wasn't at work I was at home with her. Her lonliness was some sort of self-imposed problem. I was there being her husband all along and she just refused to see me.

m334455,

It's also a way to keep a part of yourself to yourself, which feels safe to a person with intimacy issues

This really struck a chord with me. WW has been told by her IC that she has been unable to develop intimacy in ANY of her relationships (family, friends, me).

WW has told me that the A was something just for her... I never really understood that kind of thinking. She originally compared it to my gardening saying that just like I had my interests to myself she had her A. (I've never been so angry... like my gardening that I share with my family and is sitting in the yard in public view is ANYTHING like her vile betrayal).

IWAM,

The OC matter is going to get rolling late this week or early next week. It shouldn't be a complicated matter depending on how cooperative OM is. If he chooses to (which I find likely) he could drag his feet and really make it more difficult than it has to be. Actually, as I've been typing I have made my final meeting scheduled for the 21st to finalize and file the motion.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Godsgirl and Alex.

My heart goes out to you, Alex. There are a lot of hard choices and emotions that you must be going through with OC. You are right, don't make any decisions right now, because they would be from feelings. Take as much time as you need, although you do have to do something about OC asap.

M3: thank you for your wisdom. You are right, happiness is a choice.

....they are so promiscuous they should not be married to anyone...

I think this is true of WH. One time we talked last year, I think he really opened up about his feelings and he said he didn't want to answer to anyone. He admitted that he really didn't want to be "married" to anyone per se. See, he wanted kids, someone who loves him, but not everything that goes with it.

I really have to say what you said over and over in my head!! The truth may set you free, but not before it devastates you.

Perhaps, I'm like you said, M3 about WS's that they want to keep the status quo, and Miracle the path of least resistance. I know what I must do, but so afraid to do it that I've stagnated myself. So used to being unhappy in general, it's all I know. I know what's down that road I must trod, to get out of this sitch, but it's so full of horrific stuff to go through and once I'm through?? Don't know if it will be better.

I have to keep M3's wise words in my head, "Happiness is a choice".

{{{{nofun}}}} I hope you are feeling better.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

Everytime the LTA thread moves to a new house you start talking about cabana boys & mudslides. Did us guys get to have cabana girls at the last house? Decorate this new place however you girls like. You will no matter what we say anyway. Just give us guys a place to grill and drink a few. Yes I am still up to my ass in gators.

Welcome alex. My W was very self destructive. She has borderline personality disorder. You might check out personality disorders in general and see if things like that apply to your W. Knowing these things can help you make sense of some of this, but as far as totally understanding the why and how come she did it I don't know if any of us will accomplish that. My W explained it as she was "sick & crazy" Stay around awhile. As you can see you have already been given some excellent advice and support. You meet the best and the brightest here in the LTA section of SI.

nofun.

I hope you are doing better this afternoon. Why are you in a bad place today? Talk to us please. You know it helps.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 thanks for telling me about your mom, i hope i don't remind you of her...

munchausens by proxy can be very serious...i am sorry that you had to endure that from her...


hope for pfm with our kids...i don't hold out too much hope on this one...


I bitch slap myself and get over it.

i have this vision in my head of this, and mind you i have no clue what you look like so i am using the image of baby paddy...well lets just say it really interesting.... and scary..

i love the action though behind it...i prefer though to say i pull up my big girl panties.... ...as much as i would rather pull them down for a caban boy or 2..


and yes dip, i have this thing for cabana boys and mudslides, and i probably will until i fulfill that fantasy of mine...who knows maybe i will give myself this gift for my birthday in a couple of months..


i am glad too that you dropped by at the new house to grace us with your wisdom...you are missed whilst you are chasing down your alligators...


ats: mixing again....i need one of those heads that has some hands so i shake a finger at you....

i know it hurts ats, i know it all too well..

honest: i am so so glad to see you are posting regularly again...so yay for you...

So used to being unhappy in general, it's all I know. I know what's down that road I must trod, to get out of this sitch, but it's so full of horrific stuff to go through and once I'm through?? Don't know if it will be better.

there is that quote from maya angelieu (cant spell today)..."when you know better, you do better"...

and will it be better, that depends on how you define better...and im thinkin that if you are living without depending on this poor excuse of a man, that you do not have to listen to his shit anymore, live with his words, live with his choices in your face...then yes it will be much much better...and life will be what you make of it, to quote m3(i could spell her name )..."happiness is a choice.."


alex:

She originally compared it to my gardening saying that just like I had my interests to myself she had her A.

i do not blame you one iota for being angry, im betting that there is lots more anger on the horizon...especially when they say really stupid shit like this...


fun: talk to us....we all have crappy morns...it sucks when its first thing, we have a tendancy of letting it rule our day...but like m3 says its a choice...we could bitch slap ourselves and choose to spend the rest of the day being, well happier....if not really happy at least happier...


oh and in this new house...i think we should also have a zen room for ats, and ats you will teach us all the how to's on zen...

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in and say "Hi"!

Hi Alex - Iremember talking to you - in one of the other forums -for those that didn't catch it his thread was called "Is that truth trickling down your leg" or something like that. It was definitely an eye-catcher.

I only breezed thru your post - but you sound MUCH better.

Actually - everyone sounds much better. So - that's good.

As for me - I'm aight. Definitely saw my H step it up a bit after I pointed out his lackluster efforts to him. I also calculated his child support obligations, including his share of the child care & got a really good chuckle. He's screwed! He should be doin backflips to stay in this house.

Anyway - peace to all!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I have been quiet this week for many reasons.

Sleep has been very difficult and h has been home 3 nights in a row so difficult to post. Also I have had several meltdowns with him - loads of tears- and the same old questions - why, when, who, how long, where? etc. Same old answers - I don't remember or no!!!

I think he jsut wants it to all go away. He knows it won't but he has always been a denier. When we had probs in our marriage and then later when our son was diagnosed with Marfan he just said "He'll be ok" same with son's depression and our money probs. I dealt with, tried to fix and worried about everything - and he ran away to his whores. He couldn't face our probs so went to them to make himself feel better.

I have always known he was a very selfish person but loved him anyway. I suppose that is why I'm willing to try to R even though his selfishness presevnts him from being honest about his As.

I am so grateful for all of your posts. The first dozen in this new thread all really struck a cord with me

M3

Your analogy is spot on! I'd like to add though that we are in so much pain from our burns we have to fight to overcome these to get to S. That is so hard - to stay focused on the target -R- while our wounds are so painful.

Miracle

most, if not all of our ws's, are not and were not capable of true love, i believe they loved us the best they knew how, their best though sucks....

Such wise words!! So true. Yes he is a liar in other ways. Usually small ways. I've always known and it has never really bothered me much until now. He has always lied to protect himself or make himself look better. Low self esteem I guess.

Thanks again for your humour. It always makes me smile and helps me start the day.

Gotta go. Need to get ready for work.

Love to all. Hope you have a good day/evening/night


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ats

God it hurts what she did with them.

I don't know how many times I've thought or said to him "God, it hurts so much!"

The pain is so bad. I feel for you. I can go hours and they (the affairs) pop in and out of my mind like mosquitoes - They bite and are annoying but are gone quickly. They just come to remind me and intrude in my conversations or things I'm doing. Then all of a sudden one of them stays. It morphs into a monster and starts tearing into my heart.

Then I just want to curl up and cry.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: I loved your last post. It is a very good analogy, but instead of mosquitoes, I'd say they were like yellow jackets (hornets) that still can sting hard and keep on stinging. And absolutely some of them morph into monsters, and even to a full horror movie!!!!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexa...
The truth shall set you free. Glad to hear that you are dealing with all the issues concerning the OC's paternity etc. Find out... and then deal with the courts.. The advice you're getting is good.. you do not want to have anything coming out years from now...dealing with it honestly today is a much better approach...
and the rest...getting over the LTAs just takes time...whether you stay together or end up divorcing...
Laura...why are all of these stories the same? why do they all follow the same pattern? WS has a LTA... doesn't think about the consequences...never thinks the LTA will be discovered...and then.. sooner or later... Surprise!the BS founds out and is shocked, devastated, angry, griefstricken, traumatized, etc....
and then... the questions begin... the BS cannot believe that the WS has been leading a double life and lying and deceiving for years!!! So.. to try to figure things out, to get a handle on things, in an attempt to comfort himself/herself..tthe BS starts to ask questions...and what does the lying deceitful WS do?
avoid answering the questions! the WS tries to deflect, hide, run away, avoid...and then it can escalate into angry words...you name it..anything to avoid talking about the affair that they participated in for years!!!
and we as BS are frustrated, angry, sad, confused...feel hopeless...wonder if they are still lying.. wonder if we made the right decision in trying to reconcile?
it's the same story for everyone....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

I also calculated his child support obligations, including his share of the child care & got a really good chuckle. He's screwed! He should be doin backflips to stay in this house.

its gotta be nice to be you, to know all the ins and outs of what he will have to do...and i love that he will have to pay throught the proverbial nose....with 4 kids i'm betting its a pretty number....

laura: i am glad you appreciate my humor....not everyone does...but i do, i actually appreciate my own humor...it is one of my favorite qualities...


question:

I have always known he was a very selfish person but loved him anyway.

now i know you love him, do you like him?....because not liking someone to me would make living with this impossible....and i know we (all of us) definitely do not like the people they became, or any of their behavior....but putting that aside, do you like him?...does he make you smile, laugh, generally have a good time with him...not counting in the sack...

i hope the answer is yes...
just food for thought..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - i did those calculations too. it came to just over $4600 a month. tax free. plus two weekends a month and one night a week all to myself.

he literally asked what he can do and i didn't want to tell him. so i didn't now i have to figure out why. i think its because we've had 7 fights about his contact with her over the course of the last 7 yrs. I started thinking when is he going to get the point - and then i realized duh when are *you* going to get th point, M3. KWIM?

ETA "her" is XHSGF/ow(?)

miracle - you do remind me of my mom in one way - you have this blind determination to get pfm to do ___ (fill in the blank).

i think you might do well to worry @ yourself. kids too - they're old enough thsthat they need to deal with him 1 on 1

[This message edited by m334455 at 9:44 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.