SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Both related to DD (13) and her emotional well being.

X contacted her. He last contacted her in early July via email. Told her to wish me a "happy birthday" I did not see her replay, if there was one. I snoop but not always quickly enough before she erases her messages. Before that was an email response to a vmail that she left him on Father's day. And before that was Memorial day after he told me that this "was not a good time" for him to be a father. I picked her up from what was supposed to be a month-long visitation that day. She has been with him 5 days. *I* have had NC with him since that day.

So I checked her email today. Apparently she has not checked it recently. he sent this message last week, on Sept 1:

Sorry that I have not written to you...my life is in a shambles! I am trying to recover from everything. Anyway, when will you be available for me to see you this month? Hope your school started well, I really do miss you!

Bye,

Daddy

I thought he was out of the country. Perhaps he is back. he has NOT contacted me. I am very tempted to delete the message because it seems inappropriate -- his life is in shambles??

This child has had to deal with his total abandonment. I don't want her exposed to any more.

I am very tempted to break my NC with him and tell him his message was not appropriate.

Please advise!!

ETA: I posted this in S/D also to get more responses. Also,

if I delete his email to DD I WILL send him an email from me stating that he can see her. Just that the message was inappropriate so I deleted it.

JMO, but I think you need to find out how your DD feels about her father. Is she sad that he abandoned her? Is she angry? Does she even care? (probably the most ridiculous question-sorry.)

Is she mature for her age? I know she's not an adult, but she is becoming a young woman and should have some input into her relationship with her deadbeat dad. You can and should offer guidance, but if possible, you should try to keep emotion out of it. This will be difficult.

My only experience with this was while growing up, my mother had a great deal of difficulty with my father's family; they were extremely mean to her, but she did not let that color my relationship with that side of the family. I had a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandmother and various aunts, uncles and cousins. (My grandfather was not part of the problem; he was a saint.) This was a gift that she gave me, and to this day I thank her for it. It was not easy for her, but it was selfless.

Good luck with this, honey.

DD loves him but holds him at a distance. He has hurt her. His family has hurt her (by their own actions). When he M the OW she refused to talk with him at all. But then they broke up and was was agreeable to see him again, on a limited basis.

This past summer she was excited to spend time with his family, and him to some degree. SHE set up the month-long visit herself, and then asked me if she could go (of course I said yes. I say no to very few of her requests) Then 5 days later everything went to hell and I had to go pick her up. I don;t even know exactly what happened because I did not think it was appropriate for me to question DD. She seemed confused by the turn of events, but accepting.

As far as how she feels about X

Is she sad that he abandoned her? Is she angry? Does she even care?

Yes. I am sure she does not understand what happened. On some level, she recognizes that he changed and is not the man he was (she once said to me "I love him and all. But he is a little weird sometimes"). And I am sure she blames herself on some level (she also heard him scream "I don't give a shit about her!").

She does not talk about it. She does not want to talk about it. She has thus far refused to talk about it. She seems ok with the fact that *I* am here and *I* am constant and *I* love her no matter what. Still, I worry (thus I am up at 4AM fretting about his...)

I just don't know if I should shield her from his message bout being "in shambles" and mediate a meeting for them. The BS in me says maintain NC. The mother in me says to delete his message before she sees it and set up a meeting for them. The bitch in me says delete the message and pretend he never sent it. I will ignore the bitch because that is not best for DD.

IDK; you know her better than anyone else. If it were me, I'd gently keep forcing the issue to get her to talk about him. It needs to be brought out in the open so that it doesn't fester, and by that I mean make her feel bad about it.

When my DS was younger, he would always find a way to let us know what was going on or how he was feeling about something by confiding in someone that he knew would tell us about it. Your DD knows that you read her emails and FB, so there is an avenue to bring this up for discussion. I hope that no matter what, she does not feel responsible for him. My heart just breaks for you and her.

(Edited for clarity )

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 3:25 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]