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When has it been long enough since D DAY that he hasnt had an STD check that I should walk away?

When has it been long enough that he has not protected me with the police and the USPS from the harassment that I walk away?

I am triggered in everything I do. Everywhere I go. Supposedly it will get easier but TT and more and more come out every day.

I don't want to leave, but if he was serious, wouldnt he have had an STD check by now?

I have a large list of promises unkept since D Day. In three months time from about a month ago I will reasses, but i am severely irked that is about 4+ mo since D DAY and still no action, all talk, still DEFENDING himself and her.

Can you make the appointment for him and then just TELL HIM when it is and he has to go to save his marriage. And then you go with him.

Yeah, sometimes it takes a lot of these extras we have to do but good marriages are work, right?

What kind of harassment?

4 months out is early. Recovery can take years.

[This message edited by moreroses at 8:59 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Thanks so much. I would think that is good advice but my pdoc has instructed me not to complain, whine, and to cry out of sight. (so I take a lot of showers)

On paper your suggestion looks good but the advice my pdoc gave me says to let Jim prove he is for real now.

(and the four months seems longer that the whole other part of our relationship)

I don't think he is going to get the STD check. I also don't think he is going to report her harassment. He is not really serious about r until he gets the STD check, right?

I feel so confused and so triggered

I hate this sick feeling in my stomach

I don't think he is going to get the STD check. I also don't think he is going to report her harassment. He is not really serious about r until he gets the STD check, right?

Correct, this should have been done within the first week of Dday.

I would tell him he has 24 hours to make the appt or he can pack his bags. This is your health and LIFE we are talking about.

Believe me, std's happen, my H gave me one, and they can take time to show up, AND what most people do not realize that the WH can come up CLEAN on some of the tests even though he had the STD, and passed it on to you.

That also happened to me!

But, thank god his doc explained how that can happen, and WH accepted it.

But before that, WH had accused ME of having an A because his tests came back clean...and mine did not What a fucking nightmare!

But, regardless, both of you need to be tested, and you need to accompany him to the doc when the results are explained so WH can't lie about them!

The testing should be done NOW, and repeated at certain intervals.

Be tough and insist on this. If he doesn't show enough regard for your health them he is a worthless bastard.

JMO!

Good luck

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 10:05 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I also noticed that you said he is still defending HER. Between defending her and not taking care of the harrassment or getting checked, my gut says they are still seeing each other. In that case, you are not in R. R is only possible if there is NC and he is transparent in all his moves. It also includes honesty and puting the marriage first. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing any of this.

I am so sorry.

Agree with gardenmom. At the very least, you fall well behind OW on your WH's list of priorities. That's where I was while in false R for 5 months. My WH was still seeing his AP, going for "walkies" in the office stairwell and holding hands and kissing and talking on the secret phone she gave him... and I had no idea! (Guess my PI skills need some work.) He finally knocked it the hell off when I kicked him out (I still didn't know about the continuing A, but he was still pining for her, and I got sick of it.)

Have you tried 180?

Thanks for writing guys. I have been trying so hard not to bring anything up, it's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut. but i am trying. i am trying not to help him. but i want to feel better and i think if only he ____ i will feel better, but i know it's only if he ___ on his own the relationship might work.

My thoughts are you need to put your NEEDS in writing for your benefit and his.

What are your boundaries?

What are the deal breakers?

You need to figure this out, and let him know.

I have a short list while I'm still in the day to day phase. I am also working on a long term list for what I need from a partner.

My short list included NC, NC letter, STD testing, and IC for both of us.

I'm still working on long term things that I need out of the marriage. Some long term things are a partner I can trust, transperancy, a true partner that shares the load, someone that will lend me strength when I feel weak and will take my strength when they fell week, MC, etc. It's still a work in progress.

I would not tolerate no STD testing. He tried to have me make the appointment for him. I told him I went to my OB and was not sure where he needed to go....and changed the conversation. He's an adult and can do it on his own.

((hugs))