SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time that I'm here, and I'm sure like a lot of people have thought here...I'll never be here.

But, go figure...right? I'm here now...separated, and will be getting a divorce sometime before the year is out.

The situation is this, and you've probably heard of it before... Wife meets her old high school boyfriend, becomes a friends through FB, and I, the idiot (or not), supports her in becoming friends with him.

After a while of them constantly texting each other, and other things - I find out that they been making out. So, I draw a line, and tell her either me or him. She basically tells me that it's neither of us, and she just wants her freedom, and she can't trust me for spying on her. Which I admit that's how I found out that they were lovers. But, I don't buy that she just wanting a divorce because she wants her freedom, and she just doesn't trust me.

The fact is that she wants to be best friends with this fucker who has a wife and daughter. And now, they're looking into getting a divorce now too. So, let's check the score board now...two families, and five kids between them...now broken-up.

So now, I'm pretty bitter about it all for a number of reasons. Additionally, we're separated but still living together until we get divorced and ready to move out. We're doing this for the kids, since they are young - which I have agreed to. But, she's a stay-at-home-mom with health problems, and has no money. Come on...what's is she going to do about her health problems...go to the Indian Health Clinic? I guess she can do that, but it kinda sucks.

Sorry about rambling... So, my question is...should I start moving on with my life by seeing other single women? Or should I hold back, and wait? Part of me wants to say...fuck you and what you're standing for, and I'm going to move on with my life.

There are lot's of women out there who are seeking a man with whom they can share their life with, be best friends, do everything together (or almost everything), and, build a life together. Even if it's just a friendship - part of me wants to get back into it.

She's all ready doing it - with him. Hell, she was at the Eco-Lodge with him last weekend. I'v all ready told her that I could give two shits about what they do together - just don't involve our kids (and that's another story). And, she doesn't seem to care about what I do...so why not? Part of me just wants to do this even if I just gain friendships. The other part of me says I should wait; but, I don't think she'll ever come back.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

BTW - she doesn't want to take this to divorce court. She wants to take this to mediation which I have agreed to so far. It's to her benefit anyway. But, this is besides the point. Again, sorry for rambling on. If anyone has any suggestions for letting go, and stop being bitter, please feel free to suggest. I'll be looking and reading on myself. Just ahead of time...thanks to everyone. Caio.

Wait. She commits adultery and then says she DOES NOT TRUST YOU??

The word for that is blameshifting. And just how does she expect to support herself? You should pay while she carries on?

To start seeing other people right after being smackex upside the head, IMHO, is NOT a good idea. Are u in IC? The responsibility for an affair lies SOLEY with the adulterer. The respnsibility for a sucky relationship, unless there is abuse, is shared. Looking for another partner, dating, wihout understanding yourself, xand wht you need to do do to heal, to change for yourself, will be setting yourself up for failure and pain.

You say you are living together for children's sake? For me, no way. What is that teaching your kids? What would your dating ne teaching them? I just firmly believe that jumping from a bad situation into another relationship is asking, at minimum, for heartache all around.

Heal first. Read SerJr's tactical primer. Best advice, i read it daily. Be sure you understand your state's laws. Child custody is tricky. Don't give away anything. It's YOUR call. In house separation - no, thanks. I tried it.

You feel anger now. Work through that with help. Do not,think your kids, no matter how young, do not pick up on the atmosphere. They do. And they are the ones who suffer most, as they do not have coping mechanisms. And we have to find and use our own, while taking care of the precious children.

Come here often; there are many wonderful folks here.

TJ

She has already left your marriage, anything you keep is for your children, anything she gets is for her and OM. Move on friend, let her see what her life will be like without you. Protect your banking, take her off your credit cards, let OM take care of that for her.

Personally? I would not date a guy who was claiming to be separated but still living with his "ex". Even if the guy was telling the truth, I would not invite the drama nor get involved with someone who clearly is not ready for a new relationship.

Finish your current relationship first. Get your own place. Do a little healing (and maybe some IC). THEN date.

What DCK says.

And I would never date just because I don't want to jeapordize custody of the kids.

And then she could feel OK about her choices.

I know you think you are OK, but you have a lot of healing to do. I have been asked out, but realize I need to heal from the 195 pound tumor that was extracted from my back.

Don't rush things. You don't want to be like your WW - broken attracts broken.

You want to be healthy, so you can find someone healthy as well.

I should add- it's not a race. Just because your WW is seeing someone, does not mean you have to rush out and even the score.

What she has is sick and unhealthy and based on lies.

Firstly, I appreciate everyone's response thus far. It really helps.

Secondly, to give more back ground to this - we had a pretty good relationship up until she became friends with the piss-ant shit-head. In fact, both her and I had our nights out (Dad's and Mom's night out). She would go with her friend (other Moms) and I would go with my friends to watch fights, sports and/or cards. Plus, we would have our date nights, and have a good time. So, I thought... She could have fooled me - until he came along.

Another words, I supported her in a number of things: her being a stay-at-home mom; home-schooling; her night's out (until who knows when); her crazy work-at-home businesses that she quits on; etc. I would say that I have been a pretty decent guy at being her husband. Maybe not the greatest due to my working hours in the computer business. But, I always made it a point to have time with her during the evenings after the kids were in bed, and in the mornings before the kids got up. Plus, I did all of this so we could afford the lifestyle she wanted - having a home; having a good mini-van; and being able to home-school our kids; etc. So, I thought I was doing all right - maybe not...I really don't know anymore.?

I've been racking my head trying to think how I could have made our relationship better...how I could have done a lot of things better. So, I've been doubting myself as well in as far as my relations to her. Go figure?

Never once in all that time did I cheat on her. Might be funny, but, I could never bring myself to cheat on her - even when the opportunity was there. And, I never went to a strip-club during our time together either...not even for fun or a best-man's party. I never had the itch for it...I always wanted to be with my wife...always. Now, she's gone for the most part, and just there physically - there's no spiritual attachment to her. I love her, and I care about her; but, she has made her choice, and she is firm in it. And, I cannot support her in it. In fact, a lot of times, I just want to tell her to "Fuck off!" And, "Let him take care of you..."

So, in our time together, I think I did all right by her. Sure, I wasn't perfect; but, I never abused her - either physically or mentally. Yeah, I argued with her, and raised my voice to her at certain times; and she raised her voice to me. But, we were always able to work it out.

Yet, this is what I thought the consensus should be...finish this relationship first, heal, and then start looking for another relationship.

However, there is this part of me that wants the good friendships I had before I met her. I had lots of good friendships, and the majority of them didn't include sex. Yeah - there were lots of hugs; but, nothing to do with sex. So, there's that part of me that wants to build those relationships again, and try to live through this.

And yes - that's a good word...girl..."blame-shifting." LOL. I'll have to remember that one in my discussions with her.

BTW - she has agreed to 50/50 custody of the kids; but, we've got a number of things to workout before we go mediation. Hopefully, for her sake, we can work this out in mediation.

If anyone has anymore thoughts on this, again, please feel free do post. I could use any of the suggestions or thoughts on healing, get past this, and moving on. I really want to move on with my life; but, I feel like I'm stuck. Thanks to all!

[This message edited by RunningOnEmpty73 at 4:57 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I've been racking my head trying to think how I could have made our relationship better...how I could have done a lot of things better. So, I've been doubting myself as well in as far as my relations to her.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

The WSs are a broken individuals who lie, deceive, betray and it is useless to beat yourself up over the what-ifs. You did nothing to cause this.

It's confusing, it's hard and nobody wants to be in this situation.

Let ;your self heal. Look around at the Healing Library. Keep posting here ... lots of support.

73, you set up a false dichotomy. Yes, if it is over then you should begin moving on. But, that doesn't necessarily mean start dating.

Too many of us believe that the only way to "move on" is to start dating. Why is that?

My two cents? Start moving on. Start figuring things out in your own head, grow as a person and focus on healing. That's enough to get started.

Now, by way of disclaimer I will tell you that after I had been separated for 8 months or so, I started dating a little. It was a giant mistake. I was not ready in the least - and I paid for it. I broke it off before anything could develop.

Does that make me a hypocrit? I don't think so. Date if you must - but don't fall into the trap of thinking the only way to "move on" is to start dating again.

RoE73,

In my honest (and not so humble) opinion the very last thing you should be doing is dating.

Adultery takes a toll on everyone involved. It hurts the betrayed, it hurts the betrayers (even if they don't know it) and it hurts the most innocent of victims, our children.

In the aftermath of the breakup of any relationship for any reason the people who were involved are somewhat damaged and broken. After an A when an M breaks up both people are very damaged.

To try to get involved with someone new right now isn't wise. It will likely be detrimental to you. And it will definitely be very unfair to the person you start dating.

Take some time, get some space, get some perspective, heal yourself.

We can only give of ourselves what we have to give.

If you don't heal yourself and deal with your own issues from the relationship you have nothing but damaged goods to offer.

So yes - you should start over. Start over by healing yourself, getting to know yourself and rebuilding your life and not by dating. Not yet, anyway.

I agree with the others, the first step in moving on should not necessarily be dating. I had to work on me, build my self-esteem and confidence, get a new dream for my life. The dream of a lifetime with him was over, it had become a nightmare really.

I realize its easier for me since we have no children together, I don't have to continue to deal with him.

Everyone heals on their own timeline, some faster than others. Examine why you want to date before you do. I believe that we have to be happy with where we are before we bring someone else into our lifes. Things don't have to be perfect, but you need have peace and happiness with yourself.

I'm sorry you are here.

There will be a lot of work for you to do. We're here to support.

NC, detach.

Mediation is better if you can compromise. If not trial and all her dirty laundry (affair) gets exposed.

I'm with the rest - take care of yourself and your kids first and move on solo before you start dating. I think that while yes we miss that emotional connection we had and might be able to get it again via dating, there is a revenge aspect too. When we are OK with where we are in our lives and the wish for revenge is gone, that may be the time to consider dating again.

hi,

the situation sux big time....

doing an inhouse seperation is like shredding your soul one piece at a time.... Once your clear on your legal situation you would find it a lot less stressfull if you were in your own place.... sometimes its not possible, if not, then try and go 180 as much as possible...Consider letting the kids in on the current situation, otherwise they will be extremely confused and scared, besides if your open with them they will probably surprise you with how well they take it, mine did.

As for dating, your call, I dont think its wrong once your partner has ruled out either directly or through their actions restoring the M... If you have anyhopes in that direction then take the high road.

But the others have made some good points, your probably not really ready, and anyone that is actually willing to date you right now is probably not a good choice anyway. Finally there is the pending custody ... you cannot be sure that things will remain polite, it could get real nasty, especially once the realities of money custody and CS start to hit home. If you then make a poor choice with a new partner, or have a stream of new conquests, it could be used aggainst you in a character assasination...

Personally Id take the high road.

Me ive been living in my own place now for 6 weeks, ive had one saturday where i didnt have the kids, they were on holiday with W, but i was still at marital home doing the grounds getting it ready for sale....not a lot of time to meet the new Mrs Right....and quite frankly id rather spend my time with the kids than looking in vain for her anyway.

Yes, move on with your life, but do not do it by dating other women. Being the betrayed half of a relationship does not permission to do as you please. What is inside you needs to be worked out -the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the grief. Anything you do not come to terms with and deal with from this relationship most likely will be brought into your next relationship, then the next and the next.

It is perfectly normal to want to say ‘F- you! You did it and I can too!’ Is that who you are? Who you want to be? Is sucks that this was dumped on us, then we have work, hard work, to get through it. In the end, living well will be better than any revenge behavior you could think of.

I've been racking my head trying to think how I could have made our relationship better...how I could have done a lot of things better. So, I've been doubting myself as well in as far as my relations to her.

You could have done things differently, as could she. NOTHING is an excuse for going outside the marriage. NOTHING you did caused this. Don't bother wracking your brain over what you should have done to stop her from betraying you. I've already done that for the both of us and to no avail. You don't have that kind of control over her that you could stop her from doing what she wanted to.

Take care of yourself and don't rush out there throwing your heart to the fate of another until you are strong enough to handle another rough ride.

Like some people hurt out there I felt like the only way I could move on and get through this was by dating right away and masking the pain with other people. This is not a good idea. You prolly have trust issues now. I know I do. Your focus should be on making yourself healthy for the kids. By this I mean any issues that have been created by the situation at hand. The kids will have issues with what is going on and putting your energy into making them ok will be more rewarding than hurting yourself or someone else with a relationship right away after ending a marriage. Everyone is different and I still have my days when I think "I should just say F' it and go date" But then I think could I offer this person all they would want or am I willing to take the chance of getting hurt yet? Each person is different but you sound hurt and angry and might hurt the possibility of a good relationship later on if you don't take care of yourself first. Good luck and hugs to you.

I appreciate everyone's input on this. It really helps a lot. I just wished that I wasn't so bitter and angry sometimes.

I know it's a stage, and I'll go through more of them. But, it helps to know that I have a great support group in everyone here.

Thank you all of your words of suggestion, advice and encouragement. I'm sure I'll be writing again. Thank you.

Just a thought, but does OM's wife know he is involved with your WW? Or does his wife think they are getting divorced for other reasons? If you don't know for sure that she knows, PLEASE TELL HER!!!

Also, if I were you, I would do the 180 big-time. I would also talk to a divorce attorney to make sure your rights are protected.

I'm sorry you are going through this. And no, NOTHING you did caused her to cheat. That is 100% her choice and her responsibility.

Ok, I am going to say this gently here. How long ago has this all happened?

You have small children, have you guys tried MC?

Generally from what I have heard, seen lived is a person should wait at least 6 months to a year before making a life altering decision.

This decision will affect many people besides your wife and you. It will effect your kids, extended family and friends.

As far as the dating thing, heal yourself first. You will have a much better relationship after you have healed.

You don't sound bitter or angry, that's what makes me think you might want to consider MC.

As far as legal issues of divorce...see an attorney, generally they will do a free consultation, I would see what your rights are especially because she was a stay at home mom...you will have other implications. You do need to rotect yourself for your kids.