SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are in R and doing ok-sex life is best it's been in a long time. Unsure why but seems I'm the one that would like more-may be still HB for me. Not sure yet there. R is going well-NC maintained, transparent, FWS doing all he can-showing remorse etc...no complaints there at all.

But my biggest problem is I chose to remove my wedding rings last month. I was to the point I was back fixating on the A details and would immed start thinking of it all whenever I notices those rings. It was making it difficult to work-just the sight of them during my workday-I'd get teary eyed and have trouble not crying.

MC suggested removing them for awhile to see if it would help. Seems it has. Then the other day while at a school event another parent who knows me commented on no rings and am I dumping my husband for a 'newer model'. He was right there with me-at a fundraising thing for the school.

I think on her part it was an innocent joke-no one other than a few close family knows of his A...but geeze did it hit home. Now I haven't stopped thinking about it again.

I know right now-I do NOT want those rings back on-maybe thinking not ever?!...I get to the point of looking at them and obsessing to the point of making myself sick to my stomach.

Has anyone else been through this thing with the rings? FWS has not taken his off-ever even while having his A.

But I'm at the point not sure what to do to solve my issue here.

Ohhh I do understand the ring trigger.

Took mine off when I realized that H gave me an upgrade after he consummated his infidelity with xmow and repeatedly blamed me for his poor decisions.

H didn't wear his much during the infidelity and not much afterwards. Told me that since I wasn't wearing the ring he gave me then why should he wear one and walk around looking like he is cheating on his W.

Don't wear the rings if you are uncomfortable wearing them.

Would you consider new rings at a later time?

Ya know letting go, if I knew for sure new rings wouldn't bother me like these are...I'd tell him lets go shop for new ones tomorrow.

But sadly it's too much money to feel the same way about new ones as I do about these.

I have always loved my rings-never until last month have taken them off. But now-I just can't even look at them without getting myself all worked up or just so sad.

I understand your feelings about this. I took mine off when I caught WH with OW and then realized he wasn't wearing his ring when he went to see her. Felt like I had been punched in the gut. Up until then I had never taken them off. Now they've been off for almost 2 weeks. WH begs me to put them back on but I refuse. If his meant so little to him then mine must be worthless. Don't know if I'll ever put them back on. If I decide to I may need new in order to not obsess.

I guess I am in the minority here....I never took my rings off.

Looking at them did make me think of things, but not wearing them was never an issue for me. I am married and I just couldn't imagine not wearing them on a daily basis.

My FWH and I have worked very hard (and continue to work) at our R over this last year.

This summer when I was home my anniversary band that we got when we were on a Cruise together had two prongs that were damaged. When I got home we went to our friends Diamond store and asked what our options were.

Well we ended up having the ring remade in white gold and then a new band made to go with it. I got these new rings on my 17th wedding anniversary this Aug 21st and I ABSOLUTELY love them.

I love looking at them, and I look at them and think about the recommitment to each other we have made.

I am well over 13 months past Dday. I did not remove my rings. I kept them on, but they did bother me. I felt as if they had been defiled.

My Fwh took the initiative to buy new ones and present them to me in front of our family and friends.

It DID make a difference, in a symbolic way. However he had not disclosed all of the details of his indiscretions. He in fact TT'd me for another 5 months.

Do I need a third set now?

nope

He had already discovered the long hard road to R. Not easy. Not simple. But definitely doable. The new rings represent our new journey, that requires constant loving attention and work.

The old rings represented a stagnant promise, that was horribly misunderstood.

I do think that new rings can make a difference if the intentions are true and action follows.

In the end it's not about the physical appearance of the rings as much as it is about the true commitment they represent.

I actually took my rings off about a year before the A. I had arthritis in my hands and they would swell and I was afraid I would need them cut off.

I of course went through the infidelity diet and lost 30 lbs, but I also went to IC and low and behold I like myself and the so called "arthritis" disappeared!

After the first R (which was a false R) FWH asked me to put my rings back on. Fear of them needing to be cut off was gone. I didn't want to, so I used the excuse they were uncomfortable because they now spin around on my fingers.

I haven't worn my rings now for 4 years. They don't trigger me, I just don't feel like it. I'm afraid I may even have lost them

I don't know... I never did hold a lot of value in the symbols of marriage. Rings, the marriage licence, my wedding dress. Any idiot can get married, but it takes special people to be married. We're working on it....

I won't wear my original wedding ring. Too many broken vows represented in that ring - original vows, the fact that I had just started to wear it again when I found out about Thing #2. The original ring really means nothing to me, and I'm OK with that - it's one way I've grown through all this process. I've placed wayyy too much emotional emphasis on "things" my ring included (even though that's exactly what it's supposed to be - a physical symbol of the emotional commitment). It sits in my jewelry box waiting for - -what? i have no idea what I'll do with it. Have it reset some day, made into a new piece of jewelry?

WH gave me a new band for our 10th anniversary last year. It's very beautiful and I wear it, but the attachment to it is not there. It's just a ring, just another piece of jewelry that I wear. Sad, but true.

It's strange how emotive an object can be. My FWH also kept his ring on the whole time. He hasn't taken it off. I took mine off but I think people assume it's because I am puffy from pregnancy. For me i feel bad sometimes about this because that ring is a symbol of my commitment and I am still committed to my marriage - but then I think no, my ring to him is the symbol of my commitment. His ring to me is the symbol of his - so it's off and will never go back on. To me it's a visual reminder that he hasn't got my commitment to a future yet and when I commit to a new marriage, i will expect a new symbol.

Thank you so much everyone-just reading that I'm not losing my mind with this has made me feel a little better.

Crazyforever I have a feeling I'm in the same boat as you-a new ring is going to be just that...a ring. I was SO naive when I accepted that ring and we got married all those yrs ago. But I hate that I just look at it and have bad memories of this awful postA mess-it just makes me want to literally throw up.

Africanmom I agree-and am glad my FWH never took his ring off...it was and IS a symbol of MY commitment to him.

I know I want R to work and move fwd...and I am strong in my commitment to him. But I just don't know. I think too much fear is still here that he could so easily slip again, make the mistake of sleeping with someone else again. And I have to honestly admit that is the fear that keeps me up at night. That I could be going through all this for nothing in the end.

How many time do I log on here to hear someone else who thought they were doing well in R find only that it was a false one?

But on the flip side I don't want to show that I'm not committed to R by not wearing a ring.

Just wishing there was an easy solution to all of this!

I bought myself a plain, inexpensive gold band to replace my diamond-encrusted wedding set. Those rings were placed on my finger as a symbol of promises from WH, who then broke every single one of those promises. I wrote my own vows to myself and I repeat them every day when I put my band on. They include:

I promise to love my soul,

to honor my body,

to cherish my heart

'til death.

It's not just a reminder to be good to myself, to keep my promises to myself and that I need to rely on myself. It's also easier to function when you know people aren't whispering about your naked finger behind your back! I figure people just think that I lost my rings (which would not be out of character for me).

- start t/j -

My WH just told me that he took his ring off at work beginning in Oct. 2009 when he found out that people at work knew he was having an A with his co-worker. He thought they wouldn't judge him as harshly for continuing to sleep with her if they thought he left me.

- end t/j -

That's exactly it! One more seemingly innocent comment from someone about where's the ring and don't think I could hold up.

Most days are ok for me as long as I stay busy-easy to do. But I'll tell ya, that one stupid comment from a woman I do not know well at all just hit me right upside the head. I know it was innocent enough...but now I'm worrried what the hell my sister-in-laws will say when I'm seen without it. Yes, some of them it'll be the first thing they would comment on before saying hi. Then for sure I'll be the talk of the family...latest topic of gossip on his side. I don't know how much more humiliation I can take.

But I do know one thing. I am not putting either that engagement ring or wedding band back on. I don't think that will change.

Maybe I'll go buy some fake set to wear when I have to. I'm now angrily thinking that would be the equal to the fake promises I got when we married. But then not so sure I want another type of trigger around my finger.

And have to admit that can't even wear the anniversary band he got me either-I used to wear that on the other hand. Having the same issue with that ring.

So ok you guys...when does ANY of this get any easier?

ImNellNow I just may have to renew vows with myself as you suggest-can I borrow yours?

I was hopeful that somewhere down the line FWH and I would go someplace special and renew vows-just the two of us. We got married without any fanfare...just the two of us and at the courthouse with a judge. Now thinking why bother-it didn't mean anything to him the first time...

[This message edited by thiswontdefineme at 10:11 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

twdm,

You are welcome to my vows! In fact, we should schedule a mass vow ceremony where everyone comes all dressed up and all by themselves and places the rings on their own fingers... maybe we could invite Sandra and Elin and all the other celebrity BSs and get Joan Rivers to cackle about our outfits... fun!

My original wedding set never touched my finger again after 1st D-Day many years ago....eventually we got something else...nothing fancy.

I took the something else rings off recently and realized I don't want to put them back on...

He never took his wedding band off and it hit me the other day that he wore it while he was screwing someone else...so I told him to get rid of it.

I would like something nice to wear but not an actual wedding set...he lost the privilage of me wearing an actual wedding set...

I have a group of friends that all are BS and none of us are wearing our wedding rings...so it is pretty common...

[This message edited by renee21 at 1:29 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

...but now I'm worrried what the hell my sister-in-laws will say when I'm seen without it. Yes, some of them it'll be the first thing they would comment on before saying hi. Then for sure I'll be the talk of the family...latest topic of gossip on his side. I don't know how much more humiliation I can take.

You have NOTHING to be humiliated about!!!! He did this, not you. If anyone is humiliated it should be him. I hold my head high in pride. My vows ment something to ME. His entire family knows what is going on. I kept things hush hush after DD#1, but when the PA came out I let everyone know and gave him my rings back. I told him we can talk about them later, but I cannot imagine putting them back on again. They have no meaning to me now. Instead I am wearing a much larger fancier ring that I inherited from my grandmother. That ring DOES have meaning for me. We will see what happens in the future, but today I am still taking it one day at a time.

I agree trying-I shouldn't feel humiliation -he should. And I do think he does/he's shown me and told me he does. But what I should feel and what I do feel are two different things. I'm still working on it in IC.

But you know that sterotype of the BS...it's the BS that forced the WS to have the A. Either didn't give them enough good sex etc. Always the wife's fault on TV. Heck some days I have to just turn the TV off due to seeing that crap.

One of my biggest worst triggers recently on TV is that show The Good Wife. WTH!

Would like just one show that illustrates the pain of the A and R, it's difficulties and value.

I oinly wear my rings bc they have big honking diamonds and make me feel like if i walked out i could turn them in for cash. so when i look at mine, i see money thats always with me.

Maybe its different for men. Before I found out about my wife's A, I would instinctively touch my ring whenever I looked at a pretty woman. I remember now I told this to my wife, probably while the A was going on. Now post-A I look at my ring and I think of the bond we have and how close we are together. Maybe you just need to think of different things when you look at it. Train your mind to go to happy places.

My wife actually stopped wearing her original wedding rings. Sometime as the A was going on she put on some weight as a way for her to push both men in her life away. She ended up putting another ring on as a show. One of the first things I did after DDay was get her rings resized. Know she tells me how happy it makes her putting them on every morning. And that in turn makes me happy and I think of that when I look at my wedding band.

On another note when we were first married in the Catholic church my wife had a white gold band. Later we changed to a platinum band to match her ring. We actually were able to take the new band to our priest and have him bless it. Maybe all you need is a re-blessing of both your rings and some words of love toward each other.

Best of luck to you.

I picked out my ring myself and I remained faithful. I made him remove his and find another ring to wear because it made me sick to look at it thinking he was fucking her with it on.